The Land Where Sinners Atone

by Mason, V. F.

  When a man falls in love with a woman, he never thinks he will be the one to hurt her so much she would question her existence or hate him to the point of no return.

  In our story though, everything is backwards.

  When I hated Phoenix so much that I could suffocate on it, I never thought there would come a day where I begged for atonement.

  Atonement I would never get.

  Taking one more large gulp from the drink, I throw it over the balcony, watching it shatter into tiny little pieces on the concrete, because it doesn’t bring me my usual relief.

  Alcohol numbed the pain in the past and gave me reprieve from the all-consuming helplessness; however, there is no reprieve now.

  She is not your daughter. She is my and Sebastian’s daughter.

  I will take her away. Nothing will stop me!

  You are a monster. I hate you, Zach! I hate you!

  How can I allow it? She might not be mine by blood, but Emmaline is mine all the same.

  A memory from a long time ago plays in my head, as I grip the balcony’s railing, leaning on it and breathing heavily.

  A small girl giggles, lifting her hands in my direction, but I stay in my spot, continuing to type on the computer, and say, “One second, baby girl. Daddy needs to finish this thing, and then we can go outside.” I quickly check the report and once again glance at Emmaline as she sits on the carpet only to blink in surprise when I see her standing, mumbling something at me as she extends her hands to me. “Oh, God, are you walking?” I ask her and sit up straight, afraid to step to her for fear of her falling down.

  Instead, I grab my phone and turn on the camera, calling to her softly, “Come on, baby girl. Come here.” She presses her small fist to her mouth before squealing and walking toward me, her body moving too fast, and she sways a little, so I kneel down still recording but ready to catch her at any moment.

  Two more short steps and she is in my arms. I hug her close and lift her up, enjoying her loud giggles echoing in the empty house.

  A single tear slides down my cheek to my fucking astonishment, while just the idea of never seeing Emmaline again kills me, hitting with worse pain than even Angelica’s death.

  Oh, God, is this what Phoenix has felt in the last years, the agony that rips you in two and doesn’t even let you breathe properly for fear of the pain poisoning your blood to the point of you not being able to function?

  Maybe indeed I deserve such punishment, for I still cannot apologize for claiming Emmaline as mine.

  Sebastian might be her father by blood, but he doesn’t fucking deserve her.

  I don’t either, but at least I was there. Shouldn’t that count for anything?

  “Take me to the land where sinners atone,” I whisper without thinking, to no one in particular, “where sinners have second chances.”

  “I’m not sure such a land exists.” The softly spoken words from behind me freeze me, and I look over my shoulder to see Phoenix standing in the doorway of the balcony, still wearing her evening dress, although she’s barefoot as well. “I would have gone there a long time ago.” Her face is clean of any makeup, so she must have washed it.

  She steps onto the balcony, softly padding toward me, but I don’t dare move. She might burst into flames just like her namesake does. “You have no sins to atone for,” I reply, my voice so low it’s a wonder I can speak at all.

  “I thought I did,” she whispers. “Sitting in that cell day and night, I wished for the land where sinners atone where no one judges you for your past sins and instead gives you a chance to make everything right.”

  “And where pain doesn’t exist?”

  She smiles sadly, leaning on the railing next to me, yet keeping a space between us as she gazes into the distance. “I think pain exists everywhere. That’s what makes us human.” The harsh wind blows her hair back, and she inhales the freshness into her lungs. “You know how they say that true hell exists here on earth and not below us?”

  Still confused with her presence here after what transpired earlier, I answer, “Yes. It’s a theory that earth was once heaven, but we ruined it.”

  “I think the land where sinners atone is here. But we just can’t see it, blinded by the pain.” She turns her head so our gazes clash, her brown eyes shimmering under the moonlight. “The agony is so strong we dream about a mythical place where everything will be different. Where we can atone without scrutiny. However, it doesn’t exist. We live our lives only once. We live it here. And we can atone only here,” she says and then adds, “no matter how depressing that is.”

  “Depressing is not a word I would have used under the current circumstances.”

  The silence filters around us as we both gaze into the sky. The hooting of the owls echo in the night, mixing with the chirping of the crickets.

  I can physically feel Phoenix’s pain, and my insides scream for me to wrap my arms around her, to let her find solace in my arms, yet my arms are the one place she doesn’t want to be.

  Did she come to tell me she packed all their things and is taking them both away from me, leaving me alone in this fucking huge house that is meaningless without my daughter in it?

  Without her in it?

  “I fell in love with Sebastian slowly,” she starts, her voice even as if she is talking about someone else. “At first, we became friends. For about two years. I’ve dated other guys, but it didn't click with anyone.” A sad smile lifts the corner of her mouth before she rests her elbows on the banister. “Until one day he showed up on my doorstep and offered for us to try.” My hands tighten on the railing, despite knowing I have no right to be jealous of the past when I’ve been married myself, but listening to her loving someone else, being with someone else… doesn’t bring out the best in me.

  I wish she had been no one else’s but mine, even if it’s irrational.

  “No one ever loved me before him.” She shrugs. “He taught me what family is and how to trust a person. I basked in those emotions, learning that love is the calm during the storm. No matter what happens, at the end of the day, this person will be with you.” A beat passes. “We were unbreakable. Until the unsub happened.” She wipes away the tear sliding down her cheek. “Until you happened. And the love I cherished vanished in the blink of an eye.”

  Everything in me screams to scoop her into my arms, to soothe the pain eating her from the inside out because of me, and in this moment, no matter how the idea hurts me, I wish she would have never met me.

  Never have crossed paths with that unsub.

  I wouldn't have Emmaline then, but also the woman I fell in love with despite my better judgment would have never been hurt in the most despicable ways.

  That’s what it is, right?

  Love in its rawest form, love that can never be called beautiful for how ugly it is.

  For if a man loves a woman, does he hurt her so much she no longer wants to live?

  Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer to that question.

  When Angelica died, I couldn't imagine loving anyone else; opening myself up to such pain was laughable, but here I am.

  Standing in front of a woman I should have never fallen for, with a bleeding heart ready for her to destroy even further.

  She has every right to do it and never look back at me.

  “Phoenix,” I say, ready to apologize all over again and promise her freedom and anything else she wants no matter how much it goes against everything that I am. However, if it stops her agony, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.

  She spins around and places the tips of her fingers on my lips, shutting me up, and takes a deep breath with the wind blowing her hair so much it slaps me in the face. “Sebastian’s love was the only one I knew, so I thought that’s what love was supposed to be.” She shakes her head. “But it’s not true. Sometimes, love is not the calm during the storm. Sometimes, love is the ship in the storm withstanding ocean waves one after another along with the rain, in such a way you don’t know if you’ll surv
ive it. The world around you might end at any moment, yet you are with the person you love and who stands by you no matter what. Such love reminds me more of an obsession built on lust and need. It’s not healthy. It’s probably not right either.”

  “It’s impossible to resist,” I finish for her, my lips moving under her fingers, and she removes her hand. I tentatively take a step toward her until the toes of our bare feet touch. “I’m sorry for hurting you.” She tilts her head back, and I put my hands on her shoulders. She jerks but doesn't step away. So I wrap them around her tightly, pressing her to my chest where she rests her cheek, her arms at her sides. She doesn't push me away but doesn't welcome it either.

  As long as she allows me to comfort her right now, that’s enough for me.

  “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.” I run my splayed palm over her back, noticing goose bumps breaking on her skin from the chilly weather. “For all the pain I’ve caused you, because I was blinded by the agony of losing Angelica.”

  She whispers, “I thought you don’t apologize?”

  A self-mocking smile flashes on my face. “Apparently, I do when it comes to you. But I won’t apologize for taking Emmaline. And I know you hate me for it.”

  She sighs heavily, her breath puffing and warming my skin, and I close my eyes, resting my chin on top of her head, and inhale her familiar lavender scent that calms parts of me that I thought were untamable.

  We stay silent for a while as I rock her back and forth, enjoying these last moments of her in my arms where the world is right with my daughter sleeping in her room. Where both my girls live with me and under my protection. The killer might be on the loose, but he won’t come to my domain.

  I let all those emotions sink into my bones, enjoying how they spread through me, giving me an illusion of happiness where I no longer have secrets from Phoenix.

  A woman who I would have treated like God’s gift if she only would have let me.

  However, my nirvana ends too soon when she leans back, freeing herself from my hold, and murmurs, “It’s too windy.” She turns toward the door and disappears behind it while I follow, ready to see her walk out of my life with Emmaline as I stand like an idiot doing nothing about it.

  Because I have no fucking right to stop her.

  I pause though when I see her stop in the middle of the room, flipping her hair over her shoulder, and she looks at me over it, pointing at the zipper. “Could you please help me with my dress?” I stroll toward her and place my fingers on the zipper before stilling my movements.

  She wants to change her clothes and run away, right? Which means she asks me for help, because there is no one else around. I doubt Phoenix wants to stand naked in front of me even for a fraction of a second.

  She feels my hesitation and asks, “What’s wrong?”

  “I can wake someone up from the staff.” I inhale her scent one more time to forever memorize it in my brain and go toward the door. “They will help you.”

  She catches my wrist, and I half turn to her while our gazes clash, and she says, “I don't need them.”

  My bitter laughter echoes in the room. “I know, darling. That’s your personal way to torture me, but I can’t take it. I won't stop you from leaving.” Is this what she is afraid of? Otherwise, why would she prefer my help over theirs?

  “I made a choice, Zach.”

  “Yes, and I don't blame you for it. But please know this. I will not stay away out of Emmaline’s life.” I might give Phoenix the freedom she seeks; however, my daughter will always be mine.

  I don’t give a fuck what society says.

  “No, I didn't think you would.” She pulls me closer, and I follow, because I’m a whipped fucker when it comes to this woman. She laces her fingers with mine and lifts them between us. “You could never be my calm.” Right, all I bring to her is destruction. “You’re my ship in the storm. Oddly enough, I think no matter what happens, you will actually stick by me. I can’t explain it. This is crazy.” She raises her other hand, tracing her finger over my nose to my lips and then chin where she cups it gently. “My worst nightmare… but my only salvation. The devil and the angel, the man I hate and love at the same time.” My heart pangs painfully when she utters these words, joy and dread filling it at the possibilities they hold. “I’m probably making a wrong choice.” Her thumb rubs my cheek, and I kiss her palm, needing to feel closer to her but maintaining the distance between us. “I don't care though. All the right choices so far haven't brought me much happiness either.”

  Thousands of thoughts flash in my mind at her confession, wanting to say so much, yet I manage to utter only, “I love you, Phoenix.”

  She freezes, swallows hard, and closes her eyes for a moment before snapping her brown orbs to me again with some of the sadness gone from them. “I love you too, Zachary. The crazy kind of love that should be illegal.”

  She yelps when I pull her toward me swiftly, her words giving me the green light I need along with profound relief, knowing this woman is not going anywhere or sending me to rot in hell for eternity. “You’re not leaving me.”

  “No. Are there any more secrets?”

  “None.”

  “Good.”

  “Good,” I reply and then growl when she laughs, the sound warming me from the inside out and becoming my solace in the storm that is our love.

  I place my mouth on hers, and she instantly opens, our tongues dueling against each other as the kiss becomes hotter and deeper with each swipe.

  With this kiss, we cement our claim on each other, the desire to be together despite all the difficulties connecting us in a way we thought was impossible after our previous experiences.

  With this kiss, I give her all of me and take everything she offers me in return, mainly her trust and belief that I can make it all better.

  With this kiss, I promise to never hurt her again willingly and to cherish her till the day I die.

  With this kiss, I thank her for giving me another chance, when I don't deserve her. She wraps her arms around my neck, lifting on her tiptoes and pressing herself so tightly against me I don't know where she ends and I begin.

  She accepts everything this kiss entails and moans into my mouth when I brush my tongue against hers. I press my thumb on her chin, opening her wider for me, giving her an open-mouthed kiss that sends pleasure through me. My dick instantly becomes hard and my blood boils with the primitive need to claim my woman once again, so there is no doubt in anyone’s mind, especially hers, who she belongs to.

  We break the kiss, and I spin her around, biting her neck. She arches her back toward me, and I murmur harshly, “I’m ready to get you out of this dress and fuck you hard and so deep you will feel me inside you for days.” Licking over the bite I’ve given her, I slowly pull at the zipper, and the back of the dress slides apart, showcasing the smooth skin of her back. “Any objections?”

  “No.” Her voice is hoarse, and she threads her fingers in my hair, needing to connect with me too it seems, but too bad, since I have different plans for us. Gently, I remove them from my hair and let her hand drop by her side with her groan of protest.

  “Not yet, love.”

  In the future, I will give her all the time in the world to play and do whatever the fuck she wants with me. Right now though?

  It's my time to feast.

  The minute the zipper reaches the end, the silky dress falls by her feet, leaving her naked to my gaze since I’d confiscated her panties in the library.

  I smile, thinking about the passionate encounter, my dick straining harder in my pants, but instead of focusing on it, I rub my finger over all the faint scars on her skin that are not visible through the clothes.

  The reminder of what I’ve done to her, bringing her so much pain, and looking at them now hurts me as much as if someone stabbed me in this moment.

  She stills in my embrace, darting forward as if wanting to escape me from seeing the most vulnerable parts of her body. “Shhh,” I whisper
into her hair as she trembles, her heart galloping under my palm. “Let me.” She exhales heavily and nods, while I slide my lips from her neck to her spine, trailing my tongue over every scar before giving it feather-like kisses, apologizing to her in the only way I know how.

  With my touch that asks for forgiveness but also shows her they don't matter to me. They will always be there to remind me of what I’ve done, never letting me forget, and I will surround her with so much love that gazing at them in the mirror, as she probably does, won’t bring up pain again.

  I fall on my knees, placing one last kiss on the puckered skin above her ass cheek, and bite on it to her loud gasp, which transforms into a groan. I leave the imprint of my teeth on it before sucking it, wanting my marks of ownership all over her so she never forgets who loves her the most in this world.

  Maybe then, with time, all the memories of those scars will vanish from her brain. “You have the smoothest skin I’ve ever touched, love,” I whisper, slowly turning her around until my mouth is inches away from her pussy, already coating the insides of her thighs with its juices, and I lean closer, scooping it with the tip of my tongue. She moans, lacing her fingers in my hair, and slowly slides her legs apart, allowing me to slip my tongue between her folds. I groan when the taste of her hits me, and I give it a deep kiss, probing her with my tongue before licking all over her pussy and trapping her clit between my lips.

  “Zach,” she says, gripping my hair harder and rolling her hips closer to me, and I give her a long lick from top to bottom, swirling my tongue inside before sliding back up and then biting her navel to her moan.

  Tracing the faint, barely visible scar from the C-section she had to deliver Emmaline, I kiss it, whispering after each kiss, “You. Are. The. Most. Beautiful. Woman. To. Ever. Exist.” Lowering my mouth back to her pussy, I open her up with my fingers, swiping my tongue over her lips one by one before sucking on one, each lick making me addicted to her taste. I growl into it, wanting nothing more than to permanently reside in this heaven with her scent and taste filling every part of me.