Pumpkin Bride: Brides of the Hunt: A Brides of the Hunt Holiday Novel

by Jeanette Lynn

  Hearing the fur suited fools collecting themselves to come after me, I cringed and popped up. “Right, well, you do better,” reaching down really quick, I gave his chest a there-there pat, “don’t hang out with those idiots, find another hobby and better friends. Life’s too short to waste being a loser. Big Foot tracking, maybe? There’s an idea, and look, you already have a fur suit, so there’s a start, right? I hear Dracula costumes are coming back? You could dress up and read to children at hospitals, put those makeup talents to good use? Do something with your liiiii-eeee-fe!” My voice tapered off on a scream as I made to take off, lecture-shouting at the downed guy I’d collided with, when Bauheg caught up to me. The second he had me clamped to his wide chest, I clawed, kicked, fought.

  In a moment of madly freaking out, I grabbed onto a furry arm, my mouth following, teeth finding purchase. Bauheg let out a shocked shout, and then he was the one flailing and screaming, if in a more manly manner. Shaking me off, he dropped me, panicking at the green smearing his teeth marked forearm. Tackle buddy came up behind me, boxing me in, sandwiching me between the two of them.

  “Curse! Wish!” Bauheg garbled out. Lifting his arm up for all to see, his other hand clamped down on my shoulder, he acted like his makeup smeared skin was proof enough.

  Joanie snorted and rolled her eyes but got right back to her bicker-squabbling. The guy I’d just knocked over, Yeti man on steroids, kept snagging my attention, distractingly so. I couldn’t say what it was. He was sleeker furred, slimmer looking, just pure muscle. He boxed me in even more as the others approached. I was essentially stuck, trapped. Rats.

  Attempting to take a step back and finding myself immediately shadowed by two towering men, I sent up a silent prayer for another distraction. I had to get the hell out of here.

  As if the already growing crowd of snow beast dressed men wasn’t bad enough, a shorter but no less impressive beast guy came lumbering up. Wildly orange eyes surveyed the scene. This one’s fur was tipped in blue like the child clinging to Rosa. A deep rumble issued from him as Rosa turned, dressed up kiddies in tow, and she grinned at his approach.

  This just settled it, they had a whole village gone nuts with this furries beastie men doing odd things business. Why and how was Rosa not in on it? And why was she not protesting louder for my release, if she wasn’t? She was not only not Yeti dressed but sounded like her head was on straight. Not that I blamed her necessarily for her hesitancy in all this, especially watching her juggling all those kiddies at once.

  The little one on Rosa’s back began to fuss, crying out loudly. “Oh, Zhuii,” she said with no small amount of relief, “can you get him for me? Poor guy needs to stretch his legs, I’m thinkin’.”

  This Zhuii gave her a quick nuzzle and then reached behind her to heft the babe at her back up, drawing him to his massive chest. A hum of a purr starting up, a wild vibration that seemed to immediately soothe the little one, he held the baby like he was the most precious thing in the world. Reaching down with his free hand, he ran his thick fingers over the top of Kehko’s head. “Kehko-bebe,” he greeted the little one with a soft smile that flashed way too many sharp looking teeth.

  “Da-mine,” she purred back with a children’s version of that crazy rumble.

  “My Lindy-mine be fine?” Zhuii asked with a look at Rosa and a quick glance at Rek.

  Rosa nodded. “Nothing I can’t handle,” she assured him.

  “Rosie-lindy sure?” he rumbled out questioningly, his heavy brow furrowing further as crazy orange eyes drifted right by Rek again. Bad blood or what? Yet again, I was barely spared a cursory glance by the male. It’s like I wasn’t even here. Brainwashed or just didn’t care?

  “If my beauty say she okay,” he grunted out, though he still seemed unconvinced, and loath to leave her, but the infant in his arms started to squall. With a quick kiss to her lips, he took the anxious baby boy in his arms for a little walk.

  Reaching into my pocket absently, my fingers brushed something that crinkled loudly. Closing my hand over the wrapped treat, I pulled it out. With a look at Rosa, who I was hoping to make an ally of in all of this madness, seeing as she seemed to be the only one with a modicum of sense, I held my very last candy—stored in my right pocket so I’d forget about it and then, surprise! Ya still have candy, ya sugar crazy bitch!—aloft and motioned to her daughter. “Would it be alright?”

  “Candy?” her eldest whispered hopefully. She gave a tug on her mama’s pants. “Peash, mama? Pitty peash with sugars on the tops?” Hooking a finger at herself, she tapped her little chest. “I be’d good.”

  “Oh. Uhm, well...” Rosa hemmed, but I wasn’t pushing it on them or anything.

  “It’s still got air in it, sealed,” I pointed out. Take it or don’t, fine with me, whatever.

  “Uhm, say thank you to,” Rosa started to say, “uh- Uhm...”

  “Mallory. Mal,” I said quickly. Yes, learn my name! I needed to make headway with someone. These two could be my in.

  “Fank you, Malldory ma’am,” Kehko dutifully replied, her little face lit up.

  “No!” Rek roared, jumping forward and slapping the candy right out of my outstretched hand as I took a few steps closer and held it out.

  “What the heee-” My gaze fell on bright purple eyes and I froze mid-sentence, backpedaling. “What the, uhm, heck, man?!” I shouted at Rek, shaking my wrist out. “Was that really necessary? It’s Halloween candy, a plain chocolate bar, you paranoid freak! Unlike some, I’m not into drugging people and dragging them off! Or dressing up in those ridiculous outfits to rob empty houses or terrorize the town!”

  A soft, growl of a whimper had me glancing to Rosa’s daughter, whose little face went from happiness to stunned gape, and finally to pained pout. “Rektal smooshded the candy, mama. He smooshded the wish’s treats with no tricks or feets.” It was then I noted the little short claws on her fingers outstretching and the extra set of arms that seemed to crop up from below the first ones out of nowhere, right as her fur darkened to a startling blue. I had to blink to make sure I was seeing this all correctly, catching it right.

  “Not Rektal,” Rek said on a snarl, glaring at me like her mispronunciation was my fault. “Not nice,” he gritted out.

  “Oi! Hey,” Joanie cut in sharply, “don’t you be talking to my niece cousin baby god child like that! What the hell’s wrong with a piece of candy from the kidnapped lady, hmm? What business is it of yours, huh? You her mama? And she can call you whatever she likes!”

  Right, so there were a couple things wrong with that and I- Nope. Not touchin’ it. Not doin’. I let it sit where it lied.

  “Where Jojo Keke get Rek Rektal from?” Rek growled softly, right into Joanie’s face. Joanie put herself between Rek and Rosa and the kids, standing on tiptoes in her funky snow boots to go toe to toe with the man. His hair began to stand on end, like there was electricity in the air.

  My gaze darted from the little girl, whose mother was trying to console her, speaking quietly to the matching blue monster outfitted husband, who had just come back up with a passed out baby snoozing on his chest and was rapid firing questions at his wife and daughter, to Joanie and Rek.

  A funny feeling, a strange niggle of a crazy idea, leapt into my overtaxed brain. Nah. No way. I took a small step back. Then I took another, and another, until I was wedged in just behind the guy I’d bulldozed and Bauheg.

  Rosa had just finished talking softly to her man, gesturing to the candy Rek had crushed, the paranoid weirdo that he obviously was, when her daughter began to softly whimper. That pouty lip began to tremble as she murmured softly, “Nice wish, only treats. For Kehkoh. I be good girl all the times. I be’d good, yes? Mama? Da-mine? Kehko good girl?”

  “Oh, honey, you’ve been the best girl, especially with your brothers,” Rosa assured her.

  “Pomdiss?” Sniffling, swiping at her cheeks, she peered up at her mother through tear blurred eyes.

  “I promise on all the promises. Rektal
,” she added drily with a dirty look in his direction, “was being a bad, bad beastie. He smooshed the lady he kidnapped’s candy! How rude, right?”

  Large eyes in such an adorable little face found his, narrowing. Small lips pursed. “Him be’ds bad. Not nice. Only the smelly feets for him.”

  “Uhm, yes, let’s go with that,” Rosa said slowly, then looked to her cousin. Frowning, she mouthed, What on earth have you been telling her?! Joanie, I’m going to murder you.

  “I said nothing,” Joanie rushed in. Way too quickly.

  There was more but Rosa caught me watching them and turned her face away more so I couldn’t catch it.

  “Why you smooshded new friend’s candies, Rektal? Daddums say meanies not nice. Meanies don’t get the Eabstor bunthy or the Sandied Claws to come. They gets coal and... and soot.”

  “Wish bad, Keke. Bad candy,” Rek insisted.

  “Not bad,” Keke said softly. “Nice wish. Candy wish.”

  “Bad wish,” Rek repeated, his voice deepening, sharpening.

  Rosa’s daughter grunted in reply but looked like she wanted to argue with him.

  The blue dude’s warning growl, baring his teeth at Rek, shut the male up real quick, but little Kehko was on the verge of tears. What the fuck, man?!

  Standing here listening to this, a grown man growl grumbling at a little girl, it wasn’t long before I was seeing red. Glaring at Rek, I gestured between him and the little girl he’d just crushed. “You could have handled that differently, you ass,” I marched right up to him, stupid idea that this was much more than it seemed on the back burner in the face of my anger. Talk about ruining the holiday for a kid. “Was that really necessary?” I demanded. Through the corner of my eye I spied another Yeti dressed man coming up on the group, this one slimmer but tall, a mountain of a male with him who gestured a lot—signing, I realized. The slimmer one, with a dirty look towards Rek, walked right up and picked up little Kehkoh, cuddling her to him close. Wrapping an arm around Rosa as she collected her son from blue furred guy, he turned with a look that promised he’d be back and demanding answers, then began to walk them off elsewhere. The two big guys left of their grouping, the blue dude and the signing one, stalked over to us as Rek sniffed and grunted out noncommittally to me, “Yes.”

  “You’re a total asshole. You crushed that little girl, you prick.” I wasn’t one for pecking around the problem. He was an ass, he’d pissed me off, I had enough of my wits about me and I was gonna let him know it.

  When he thought to lean in and bare his teeth at me, snarling softly, I bared mine right back. Who did he think he was? “You’re just a bully,” I barked, then flicked him on his slightly upturned nose. “A kidnapping, nasty, snarling, spittle flying, bully!”

  Stunned, Rek jerked back and his hand slapped to his nose.

  “Picking on little kids. Drugging. Kidnapping. Stealing. You’re just the lowest of the low. Do you care about anyone but yourself?” I was screeching at him, a shedemon let loose. “Just who the fuck, sir, do you think you freaking are?!”

  Rek, blinking rapidly as I advanced on him, took a step back with every jabbing stab of my finger to the middle of his furry chest, right between a thick slab of abs that was surprisingly pliant and felt like real skin beneath my fingertip. Kind of like Bauheg’s arm, come to think of it. There wasn’t even a hint of latex to that mouth full of fur I’d had hold of moments before. It actually tasted almost exactly like human skin, and we weren’t even going to get into how I knew what that tasted like.

  I would almost swear they really were Yeti people. Weird.

  That niggle of a thought prickled again. No. No way.

  A loud crunch beneath Rek’s foot had me pausing, gaze dropping, to gasp. “You totally really squished it now,” I grumbled, bending and slapping his foot until he stepped off the candy he’d decimated. There was no way I could save it now. Picking it up, crumbled and leaking from the ruined wrapper, I shook my head at him. “There’s no saving it now. That was the only one I had left.”

  “Wow, Rektal. You’re kind of a douche,” Joanie agreed with a pursed lipped moue that Rek glared at her for.

  “Bad female,” Rek shot back, to which she just rolled her eyes and waved him off.

  “I’m a bad bitch, it’s true, but at least I’m not such a douche I’d slap a candy out of my victim’s hand and then crush it. A candy for my niece cousin baby girl god child, you douche-y douche canoe.” Joanie folded her arms over her chest and waited.

  Rek looked like he was about to explode. Joanie looked like she was mentally counting down until he blew.

  “Not doody-doo-ed-canoe!” Rek roared, right into her unimpressed face, like that was the ultimate bad word in the stream of much worse ones that had already left her mouth aimed at him.

  “Say it, don’t spray it, baby,” she tutted, then turned and sauntered off.

  “Not baby! Not doody-canooed! No walk from Rek! Joansie comes back! Rek talking!”

  Joanie kept walking, humming. Lifting a hand, she moved her finger to some invisible beat.

  “Is she... I don’t... What just happened?” I asked nobody. And what the hell now, I wanted to ask.

  A deep, heavy snarl from the quiet guy who was rapidly signing to blue guy had me freezing. I blinked as my gaze froze on blue guy, who was looking mighty... beastly. Beastlier than beastly. Horns, extra arms and that wild blue flush just like the little girl. This- They...

  Looking to Bauheg, I blurted, “What the hell’s going on? Where the hell am I?”

  “Here,” he said simply, watching me avidly, though I noted he was keeping an eye on blue beasted out guy and his snarling friend.

  Reaching out, I gave the fleshy meat under Bauheg’s arm a hard pinch.

  Bauheg hissed, jerking back to cradle his arm. Glowering at me through his one good eye, he grumbled, “What you pinch Bauheg for?

  “Yeah, man, why you pinchin’ Booger?” Joanie called out jokingly as she came traipsing right back up like she’d never left, Rek free. Rosa came up behind her and stood next to her, the snarling angry white furred Yeti male, if this strange hallucination I found myself in the middle of was to be believed, shifting until he was standing behind her protectively. Reaching out, he absently began rubbing the fur pelts piled on Rosa’s shoulders, held on with some kind of clasp.

  Glancing from Rosa, who appeared to be with not only blue guy, but white snarling guy who signs, and maybe even the tall guy who’d walked off with her a little bit ago, that was a lot of happy wieners to contend with. Wow. That was all I had to say about the idea of all that... uhm, yeah.

  Letting that niggling in my subconscious that kept surfacing poke its head free, the idea just sitting there to percolate, not willing to touch it just yet, I took a deep breath, sucking it up, and reached behind old Booger to give one of those firm looking buns a good ol’ squeeze. If ever there was a true test, what was the best place to give a grab, yes? Maybe, just maybe it was one part revenge for the crap he and his cohort had pulled, and, also, call me plain curious—or a creep, Yeti freak, whatever—I’d have this out and settled.

  My hand squeezed a well-muscled globe of warm, fur covered flesh.

  Ol’ booger buns, as I’ve decided I shall be calling him henceforth, jumped like I’d just goosed him and let out a startled yelp.

  Leaning towards tackle buddy and away from Booger as he leapt and slapped his hands to his ass cheeks, Booger gave me a startled look.

  “Babashaga,” Booger B sputtered with a maidenly gasp, staring down at me, bug-eyed.

  Joanie chuckled, nudging Rosa to tell her cousin in a loud whisper, “Did you see that? She totally just copped a feel of Booger’s buns. Good god, maybe there’s something to the method of their madness.” Clapping her hands together, she burst out laughing. “Look at his face,” she went on, while I stood there and more or less turned three shades of pale as hell meets pink.

  “Jo...” Rosa, fighting a smile at Booger’s stunned bun’s loo
k, brought her hand to her mouth, as if sensing she was trying to be the sensible one in all of this and failing, and shook her head.

  “So, you got a name, pumpkin?” Joanie gave me an arch-browed stare.

  “Uhm, yeah...” I said slowly, yet made no move to offer it up.

  “Pumpkin,” Rosa murmured, her eyes narrowing thoughtfully.

  “You know, because of the hair,” Joanie offered, twirling her fingers near my head.

  “I’m sure she’s gathered that, ruby red,” I quipped, cocking a single brow to give snarky Miss Joanie an equally haughty look full of smartassery.

  “Pumpkin butt,” Rosa blurted finally. “Right?” she said after the longest pause I coulda sworn I heard crickets—if, like, maybe alien Yeti land had ones.

  “Bute,” I corrected. “Buh-yute. But, yeah, sure. Pumpkin butt, that’s what the assholes in middle school used to call me. Mally Pumpkin Butt. Her last name can be mispronounced butt and she has orange hair, her daddy calls her his pumpkin and kids overhear shit, let’s think up a stupid nickname and hope it follows her along at random moments into adulthood.” Throwing my hands up, I had to wonder just how freaking small a Universe this was to be coming across this yet again, and here of all places. “Why don’t we all just say it a few times to practice it so everyone has a chance to memorize it, hmm?”

  “Touchy,” Joanie stage whispered to Rosa with wide eyes. “Probably shouldn’t tell her Hector was your cousin, either.”

  “He’s your cousin too, fool,” Rosa hastily added, a tinge of pink to add to the embarrassment in her tone perfecting her trifecta of dig me a hole to bury my head in look of mortification.

  “Was. By marriage. And I’ve since unclaimed his ass. Ahem. That moron ain’t been part of mi familia in years, not since he told me after the folks broke up that made us not cousins by marriage anymore. Hecto Jr is all yours, sweetie.” At a funny look from the gathered furry gogglers, Joanie announced quite grandly, like she was imparting some insane piece of gossip, “He’s the one who made up the stupid name he tortured her with. They were a few grades below us but we’d heard all about it.”