by Claire Adams
“Next time we go at it, it’ll be in the training ring… and you’ll be aware.”
“You really want to embarrass yourself again?” I asked, with raised eyebrows.
Justin guffawed. “Cocky. You only beat me that time because I wasn’t prepared for that reaction. Otherwise, you never would have been able to beat me.”
“Is that right?” Zack interrupted, as he walked into the kitchen.
“Fuck yes, that’s right,” Justin said aggressively. “I’m like a wild animal in a fight.”
Zack smiled and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. “Yeah, you definitely sounded like a wild animal that day… when it gets shot.”
“Fuck you,” Justin said, stomping away to the sound of our combined laughter.
“We really shouldn’t tease him like that,” I said.
“Why?” Zack asked. “He asked for it.”
I grabbed some water myself. “Want some lunch?”
“What are you having?”
“I was just going to make myself a sandwich,” I said. “I’ve been dreaming of burgers today.”
Zack smiled. “Maybe we should pay Miriam another visit?”
“I’d like that,” I nodded, wondering if that would count as a date or not. Although I had sort of initiated the topic, so I wasn’t sure if it counted.
Zack proceeded to help me put together some sandwiches for the both of us, and we stood side by side, assembling everything together. Our relationship was a strange one. Sometimes it was almost adversarial. We would piss each other off randomly, we would get on each other’s nerves, and in those moments, nothing could calm either one of us down. And then there were other times when it was so comfortable and familiar that it felt like I’d known Zack for years.
“So… did Devon talk to you?”
“Umm… he talks to me every day now,” I replied, surprised by the question. “It would be weird now if he didn’t.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I figured,” I smiled. “What did you mean?”
“Well… we were talking about what would happen once Walter Black was dealt with and there was no threat to you any longer.”
I froze for a moment, and suddenly I felt a little nervous. I had no reason to. It was a reasonable thing to discuss, and I seriously needed to start thinking about my next step in life. It wasn’t like I could stay in the clubhouse forever.
“Oh,” I said. “I suppose… I’ve been thinking about that a lot too.”
“And?”
“First, tell me what you and Devon discussed.” I asked curiously.
“Well, Devon mentioned that it might be a good idea for you to start fresh… somewhere far away like Chicago.”
I suppressed a sigh. “It doesn’t sound like the worst idea.”
Zack nodded. “You think you’d like it there?”
“I have no idea,” I admitted. “I’ve never been. It would certainly be a fresh start. But…”
“What?” Zack asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I guess I’m worried about certain things…”
“Like what?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said quickly. “Never mind.”
“Come on,” he insisted. “Tell me.”
“Well, staying here at the clubhouse with all you guys for the last few weeks….”
“Yes?”
“I don’t know… sometimes I feel like it’s changed me,” I admitted. “I don’t feel like the same girl that walked in here weeks ago.”
“You’re not.”
I smiled. “Yeah… I have to figure myself out first, and I’m worried now that… I might not fit in anywhere.”
“Are you scared that you’ve got too attached to the MC lifestyle?” Zack asked, hitting the nail on the head the first time around.
“I sound stupid, don’t I?” I said, smiling self-consciously.
“I don’t think so,” Zack said quietly.
He didn’t look at me, but I noticed his pensive expression and something about it touched me. “You know what I dreamt about last night?” I asked.
“What?”
“Motorbikes,” I admitted.
Zack smiled. “No way.”
“Yup,” I nodded. “I was on the highway riding this amazing motorbike, and nothing about that dream felt unnatural. In fact, it felt… freeing.”
“Sounds like you’ve caught the bug.”
“I’ve been on a motorbike exactly once in my entire life.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Zack replied. “I fell in love with bikes before I’d even got on one. Some things just happen naturally. Some things are just…instinctive.”
He glanced at me at that moment, and I felt a spark pass between us, and for a second it felt like we weren’t talking about motorbikes anymore. We had a connection; there was no denying it. But I had wondered if that connection was based solely on sexual tension. Now I was beginning to think that we connected on more levels, and that somehow was more terrifying. No matter how good the sex might be, it was only just a physical relationship, and some would argue that that was only surface deep.
“Zack?” I asked before I could stop myself.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t you ever get lonely?”
“Lonely?” Zack repeated, and he sounded surprised by the question. “I live in a huge house with a bunch of other men who come and go as they please. I never feel lonely. In fact… sometimes I crave loneliness.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“Do you miss not having a partner in life?” I asked, deciding to go down this road despite my reservations.
“Oh,” Zack said, with understanding. “You mean a woman?”
“Yes.”
He was obviously uncomfortable with the question. I saw the discomfort solidify itself in the mask he always wore when he was trying to hide how he really felt.
“I have tons of women,” he bragged cockily. “More than I know what to do with.”
“I’m not talking about casual sex,” I said impatiently.
“What else would I go to a woman for?” he asked.
I recoiled from him and looked down at the breadboard in front of me. “You know what? Forget I ever said anything. It was a stupid question to ask in the first place. Of course you’re not capable of having a real relationship with a woman because women are only commodities and possessions in this kind of lifestyle. I shouldn’t even be surprised.
“Scratch what I said before. I don’t have anything to worry about where leaving this place is concerned. I don’t really belong here. I never did. I’ve just clung to this false sense of security because it’s easier than focusing on the fact that Walter is still out there and waiting for revenge. The truth is, once he’s found and out of my life for good, starting new someplace far away sounds perfect. In fact… I can’t wait to leave.”
“Great,” Zack responded, in a tone that suggested he was equally offended by what I had just said. “I’m sure you’ll find a straight-laced guy who’ll bore you to happiness.”
“At least I’ll be happy,” I said, dropping the bread in my hand and walking away from him.
He abandoned his task too and turned to me. “Please… that’s not happiness. It’s just another form of entrapment. It’s just socially acceptable, so you’ll convince yourself it’s what you want.”
“What the fuck do you know about what I want?” I demanded.
“More than you do.”
“You’re an asshole.”
Zack walked towards me until we were almost nose-to-nose. He was very much taller than me, but I didn’t let that intimidate me. I pulled myself up to my fullest height and stared him down.
“Sure,” he agreed. “I’m an asshole, and you’re hopelessly in love with me.”
I bristled at his words and stared at him in shock.
“What?” he challenged. “Nothing to say now?”
; “I… that’s… You are dreaming—dreaming—if you think I’m in love with you.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” Zack laughed. “I’m sure it makes you feel better.”
“I don’t have to tell myself anything,” I stormed. “You are the last man on earth I would ever fall in love with. You’re arrogant and rude and violent and—”
“Strong and confident and passionate and exciting,” Zack interrupted. “And you know you’re attracted to me. You’re just scared to admit it.”
“Why would I be scared to admit that?” I demanded.
“Because you’re scared of me,” Zack said unapologetically. “And you’re scared of the life I live.”
I stared at him for a shocked second, and then I turned and walked out of the kitchen without another word.
Chapter Nineteen
Zack
She had been avoiding me for almost three full days now. It was almost certain proof that what I’d said to her had hit close to home. It had to be, right? At least that was what I was hoping for, and the thought that I was right kept me going. It was really my only source of happiness because the Walter Black trail had gone cold.
I was riding my guys hard to try and find some leads, but the truth was I had done my own share of digging, and I’d come up blank. Which only proved that Godwin was deeply involved in this whole set up, and I was sure it was exactly that—a set up to lure me to my fall. It would be sweet revenge for Godwin after what had happened with his son and the former glory of his club. Which was not to say that he hadn’t still retained some of the mystique, but it was a much smaller club with a much smaller hold.
He had also lost a lot of money during the turf war, and he wasn’t likely to forget that easily either. But there was one thing that gave me some measure of comfort in all of this. It was clear that Godwin was weary of coming at us directly, out in the open. He was resorting to these backhanded methods, hoping to piss us off so badly that we came at him.
He was scared to be the first one to break the truce, and a part of me liked to think he was unsure about the turnout of another fight. Which was why he was being so shady about how he was approaching this. I wondered who this new guy Walter Black might really be. But in the end, I decided it didn’t matter. He was a threat to Mila, and I was going to make sure he could never come after her again.
Mila… I sighed inwardly every time I thought of her. She had barely even trained with me the last few days. The first day she had told me she was sick, and she hadn’t trained at all. The second day she had shown up only in the evening after spending most of the morning in her room. Then, she had trained only with Devon and Red, before retiring back to her room with a small plate of food. Then yesterday she had trained with me only for an hour, during which she didn’t say a word to me except to heed my instructions. Then she had run to Bones the moment he entered the training ring and didn’t look my way once.
I had given her the space she obviously needed, but part of me was confused. Maybe she wasn’t avoiding me because I had been right. Maybe she was avoiding me because I was so completely wrong that she didn’t want to encourage my beliefs by continuing to spend time with me.
I thought about going out tonight and getting laid by some random woman whose name I would never ask and whose face I would forget by tomorrow. But even the thought of sleeping with another woman at the moment made my stomach turn. It was the first time I’d ever experienced something like that, and it was alarming in and of itself.
“Hey, man,” Lonny said, walking into the living room. “We’re going for a ride today. You want to join?”
I paused, seriously considering it. “All of you?”
“Yeah.”
“Someone has to stay behind to make sure Mila is safe,” I pointed out.
“Red’s not coming with us, right?”
“Red’s not spending the night at the clubhouse at all,” I said. “In fact, he left a few minutes ago. He’s spending the night with his new girl.”
“Fuck, I forgot about Mila.”
I pursed my lips together; unfortunately, forgetting about Mila was not something I had managed to do since she walked into my life. Or to be more accurate, since I’d stormed her apartment and staged a fake kidnapping attempt with her brother.
“I can ask Devon to stay with her,” Lonny suggested.
“He wasn’t going to ride with you?” I asked.
“No, he was, but I figured it’s his sister, he wouldn’t mind staying behind after all.”
“Scratch that,” I said. “I’ll stay. I’m not in the mood to ride tonight anyway.”
“Sure?”
“Yeah, you guys go ahead.”
Lonny nodded and headed out. In fifteen minutes, I heard the revving of powerful engines and one by one, each motorbike took off, creating grating music that somehow managed to be soothing to my ears. Only a true motorbike lover would feel that way; I knew that much. When the boys had cleared the house, smoky silence descended, and I was aware that Mila and I were the only ones in the house anymore. And knowing the boys, we probably would be for a while.
A few minutes later, I saw Mila appear on the staircase. Her expression was searching, and I knew she had heard the collective sounds of the motorbikes leave.
She saw me, and I saw a veil go up across her face. She hesitated slightly, wondering whether she should come down or go back up to her room.
“Where is everyone?” she asked.
“Just left,” I replied. “On a ride.”
“Oh,” Mila nodded. “Red?”
“Left for the night.”
“Tony?”
“Spending the weekend with his kids.”
“Devon?”
“He’s on the ride with the boys.”
She seemed to realize at that moment that the two of us were completely alone together. I knew she was about to head back to her room.
“I don’t bite, you know,” I said, hoping that would bait her into staying.
She raised her eyebrows. “I know.”
“I’m just saying… in case you were scared to be alone with me.”
“I’m not scared of you… period,” she snapped back, with fire in her eyes. “I’m not scared of you, and I’m not scared of the fucking life you live.”
She had taken the bait, and I had to fight back a smile. “Sorry… I just like to call it like I see it.”
She stormed down the steps and sat down opposite me. “If I were so fucking scared, I wouldn’t be here, ok? I would have run a long time ago.”
I smiled, and that caught her off guard a little. “What?” she demanded.
I shrugged. “Nothing, it’s just that you sounded a little like one of us just then.”
Her eyes went wide for a moment, and I saw a fleeting flash of panic set in her eyes. Just as suddenly as it had appeared, it vanished leaving behind a certain amount of bracing calm.
“Where do you guys go when you ride together?” Mila asked.
“Wherever,” I said. “Doesn’t really matter. The point is simply to ride. We usually find a nice little watering hole somewhere to sit down, grab a couple of beers… meet a couple of women.”
“Is that what you do, too?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
Mila looked down for a moment. “How many women have you been with?” she asked, out of the blue.
I raised my eyebrows, not having expected that question. But Mila didn’t look like she was taking it back. It was clear she still wanted an answer. I wasn’t exactly sure where this was going, but I knew I had to be honest.
“More than I can count,” I replied. “I lost track a long time ago.”
“And it never gets… empty?” she asked.
“Why should it?” I countered. “Sex with strangers isn’t something that ever gets old. There are no strings, no unnecessary commitments, and no responsibilities. You meet, you fuck, and then you forget. It’s simple, it’s easy, and I would even call it poetic.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. I could see her expression clearly now. She was looking for a fight, and I was rising to her bait just like she had risen to mine a few moments ago. She was frustrated about something, and she wanted to let off a little steam. I recognized the feeling. I felt it too a lot of the time.
“What’s pathetic about it?” I asked.
“You’re a grown man who is terrified of his feelings.”
“I’m actually very aware of my feelings.”
“Bullshit,” Mila said immediately. “You have no clue.” Mila rolled her eyes. “I’ve been here for six weeks now,” she pointed out. “I haven’t seen or heard of you bringing home a woman even once since I’ve arrived.”
I paused. She had noticed. “So… what’s your point?”
“Something has stopped you from sleeping around with random strangers since I came here.”
I saw the point she was trying to make. It was the same one I had made about her the other day, and when it was thrown in my face, I didn’t like it one bit either.
“That’s nothing but a coincidence,” I said defensively.
“Is it?”
“I’ve just been busy running around trying to find your boyfriend—”
“Ex-boyfriend,” Mila corrected quickly.
“Whatever… that I haven’t had time to concentrate on anything else.”
“You did have time to take me out to dinner once though… remember?” Mila pointed out.
“That was…” I stumbled over my words, realizing that I didn’t have an excuse I could give her.
“That was what?” Mila persisted. “That was kindness… sentimentality… what was it, Zack?”
“It was pity,” I snapped. “I felt sorry for you… that’s all.”
“Fuck you,” Mila said, rising to her feet. “I thought you told me you were always honest. Where’s the honesty in that lie?”
I stood up to, completely losing track of anything smart to say. “Just so you know, I’ve fucked tons of women since you came here. I just haven’t brought them here… out of respect.”
I saw Mila pause for a moment, wondering if that really was true. I could see her doubt and uncertainty, and it hurt me a little, despite the fact that my intention had been to create it in the first place.