by Claire Adams
“She told you that?” I asked.
“I… yes,” Devon nodded. “So anyway… this town I found, it’s similar to this one except crime rates are low, and they have a close-knit community that she might enjoy.”
“Did you read some fruity brochure or something?”
“Living expenses are cheap there too,” Devon continued, as though I hadn’t spoken. “And she’ll be able to get back on her feet soon. I have a few other options that she said she’d look at.”
“And she’s ok with moving so far away?”
“She seems to be.”
I nodded and averted my gaze, unsure of how to deal with the complex blaze of emotions I was feeling at the moment. I had assumed she was just going to be moving out of the clubhouse, and I had a hard enough time of wrapping my head around that. Now that I knew she wanted to move to another state, I had no idea how to deal with that.
“Zack?”
“What?” I asked.
“If she wants to go, you need to let her go,” Devon told me. “I know how much you care about her—that much has been evident in the last few weeks—but staying here with us might not be what’s best for her.”
“I know that,” I said. “I don’t need a fucking lecture from you.”
Devon sighed. “Fine… well, the reason I’m telling you all this is because if she is moving, I’d like to go with her. Just for a few weeks to make sure she settles in alright.”
“Oh, fine,” I nodded dismissively.
“You’re ok with that?”
“Take as much time as you need,” I said, as I stood up and headed towards the stairs. “I’m not going to stop you from doing what you want.”
I headed upstairs and paused outside my door. I had wanted to give Mila some space, but in light of the new information I’d just received from Devon, I couldn’t bring myself to pass by Mila’s room. I knocked once and waited for her to answer.
The door opened, and Mila stood there in a white dress that made her look like some sort of ethereal angel. Her auburn hair hung loosely around her shoulders, and her perfect blue eyes were bright enough that I could almost believe she was happy.
“Can we talk for a second?” I asked.
“Of course,” Mila nodded, giving me a smile.
I walked in, and Mila closed the door behind me. I saw a couple of papers with Devon’s handwriting on them, and I realized she had been going through the information he’d given her about different towns around the US. She was trying to figure out where to move to, and I felt my mood decline even further.
I made a decision at that moment. I resolve never to let her see how badly this was affecting me. If this was what she wanted, then who was I to stand in her way? I wiped my expression clean and gestured towards the papers.
“Going somewhere?” I asked.
“Well… yes,” Mila nodded. “I suppose I am soon. I can’t stay here forever.”
She was looking at me intently, and I managed to give her a small smile. “No, I suppose not. That was never the plan anyway.”
Mila nodded, and that sent a dagger straight through my chest. “Exactly,” she said sadly.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Mila
The conversation I’d had with the cops had helped somewhat. I suppose in some strange way, it was closure. I knew that Walter Black or Ghost or whoever he was, was really and truly gone. I remembered the moment I’d smashed into him. His body had felt like a boulder in my path, and even though I’d seen him collapse, even though I believed he had died, I hadn’t hung around long enough to find out.
With the car stalled and broken, I got out and ran in the opposite direction, praying that he was dead or at the very least unable to run after me. The cops had assured me that he was, in fact, dead and that there were no charges placed on me because of the fact that I had been acting in self-defense. It was really the best-case scenario considering the circumstances, and I was relieved.
But now that that particular hurdle was done with, my mind was free to think about the next decision I had to make. I couldn’t stay in the house anymore with the boys. Zack had offered me protection until Walter Black was dealt with. He hadn’t allowed me permanent residence though, nor did I expect it. This wasn’t my life… and the incident with Walter Black had made me realize that it never would be.
Zack had always been really honest about who he was and what he wanted. And now I knew I had to be honest with myself. Zack had been clear from the beginning: he was not a one-woman kind of guy. He was not big on long-term commitments. But the truth was that I was, and attempting to continue a relationship with him could only end in heartbreak… at least in my case.
I was self-aware enough to admit that I loved him. He was the first man I had ever felt so strongly about, but I knew that I couldn’t stay in this town anymore. It was too close to him. I would drive myself crazy. So my only real option was to leave. To start someplace new and hopefully with time I would learn to live without Zack.
It felt a daunting task, but it was my only option. I was thinking about that when Devon walked into the kitchen.
“Hi,” he said brightly. “You’re finally out of your room.”
“I just came to grab something to eat,” I said.
“At least your appetite is coming back.”
“Slowly,” I nodded.
“I know this is probably an annoying question, but how are you?”
I smiled. “I’m good… most of the time. I suppose I’m just preoccupied.”
“About… Walter?”
“No,” I said. “About my future… I’m thinking of leaving soon.”
“I can find you a small apartment close by,” Devon suggested.
“No,” I said. “I appreciate that but… I’m actually thinking about leaving town.”
“Oh,” Devon said, and I could tell he hadn’t expected that. “Really?”
“I think I need a fresh start,” I nodded. “Away from…all this.”
“Away from this lifestyle, you mean?” Devon asked.
“I don’t judge you, Devon,” I said. “Honestly, actually a part of me understands why you’ve chosen this life. There is a brotherhood here that’s hard to deny. But that’s exactly my point. It’s a brotherhood, and there’s no room for me here.”
“I’ll do some research for you,” Devon told me. “I’m sure there are tons of nice little towns you can settle in.”
“A town like this would be nice,” I said.
Devon gave me a wink and left. I put together a small plate of food and headed upstairs to my room. About an hour later, Devon appeared at my door with some information for me.
“Here you go,” he said, handing me the paper. “This might help you make your decision.”
I smiled and took the paper from him. “Thanks, Devon,” I said. “You know… I wish we had grown up together.”
He seemed unexpectedly touched by my words, and he lowered his eyes for a moment. “Me too,” he said quietly, before turning and walking down the stairs.
I turned on some music, settled on the bed, and started reading through the information that Devon had put together for me. Seeing my options there on paper made it all the more real, and I felt nervous and scared. But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes the best things could come out of fear. I had never expected to be able to defend myself, but now I had confidence and strength. And those skills had helped save my life.
I was still trying to make a decision when I heard a knock on my door. I went to answer it and found Zack standing there with an unreadable expression on his face. His hazel eyes were obviously hooded, and his body language was slightly tense.
“Can we talk for a second?” he asked.
“Of course,” I nodded.
He walked into the room, and we sat down together on the edge of my bed. His eyes fell to the papers that Devon had given me only an hour ago, but I saw no emotion on his face.
“Going somewhere?” he as
ked.
“Well… yes,” I replied. “I suppose I am soon. I can’t stay here forever.”
One corner of his mouth went up in a tiny smile that might have been interpreted as sad. “No, I suppose not. That was never the plan anyway.”
“Exactly.”
“Any place in mind?” Zack asked.
“There are two places in Devon’s list that seem like they’ll be a good fit for me,” I said. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“You know there’s no real threat to you anymore,” Zack said, almost as an afterthought. “You don’t have to leave.”
“It would be hard for me to stay,” I admitted. “After…all this.”
I was being intentionally evasive, but Zack didn’t press me further. He nodded and got to his feet. I don’t know why, but I felt my throat constrict with panic, and I reached out and grabbed his hand. He turned and looked at me with raised eyebrows.
“Did I thank you?” I asked, trying to buy more time with him.
I was keenly aware that these were our last few days together, and suddenly I was selfish and greedy for his time.
“You did,” Zack nodded. “Even though it was unnecessary.”
“No, it wasn’t,” I said. “You’re the reason I won’t be looking over my shoulder anymore… you’ve given me peace of mind. That’s a pretty big gift, and you were a great teacher.”
“Was I?” Zack asked. “I thought you felt like I was too tough on you.”
“I did,” I admitted. “At first… but if you hadn’t been that tough on me, I wouldn’t have learned as fast as I did, and I would never have been able to get away from Walter.”
“You would have found a way,” Zack said.
I stood up and took a step towards him so that we were only inches apart. I wanted to tell him so much at that moment. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to tell him that I would miss him more than words could express. I wanted to tell him that the thought of leaving him was more painful than anything Walter Black had done to me that day in Gordon’s Run.
But I knew that kind of sentiment would just make him awkward and uncomfortable. Just because I loved him didn’t mean he returned the feeling, and expressing how I felt would just create tension between us, and I didn’t want my last few days with him to be ruined that way.
So instead of telling him what I was really feeling, I swallowed the words and put my hand on his chest. I could feel the thud of his heart against his ribcage, and that told me that, at least for now, he was affected by my presence.
I leaned in and kissed him softly on the cheek. He didn’t return my kiss immediately, but a second later, I felt him give a little. Then his hands came around me, and I felt my body relax into his. We undressed each other slowly, taking our time, kissing passionately as we did so. His lips were soft and tender against my skin, and his hands were earnest as they ran up and down my body.
I pulled off my pants, and then I unzipped his. He undid my bra and threw it to the floor, and then his hands cupped my breasts and massaged them slowly, with the lightest of pressures. As his fingers encircled my nipples, I placed my hand on his erect cock and moved my hand back and forth.
We fell back onto my bed, and I was on top. So I scaled down and slipped his cock into my mouth. I sucked his penis hard, taking him as far in as I could handle without gagging. I felt his body shudder under my tongue, and I felt myself moisten uncomfortably. I felt my whole body tingle with anticipation, but it was anticipation that I was happy to postpone, because what came before was equally wonderful.
After a few minutes, Zack placed his hand on the back of my head and guided me up gently. Then he grabbed me by the waist and flipped me over so that now he was the one who was on top. Then he slipped down my body, kissing my neck, my breasts, and my stomach. He stopped between my legs and pushed them apart. His tongue against my wet pussy felt indescribably amazing, and within minutes, I could feel my orgasm coming fast and hard.
The moment my body stilled in the aftermath of my first orgasm, Zack pulled himself up once more and entered me gently. We fucked passionately… and as beautiful as it was, I felt so very sad that I thought I was going to start crying right then and there. I wanted to tell him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to admit that I’d fallen in love with him. He had told me from the beginning that that was not who he was; it would be naïve now to think I could just tell him how I felt and expect the answer I wanted from him.
As we came to climax together, I wrapped my arms around his body, and I felt my body shudder with relief as the orgasm rocked us both. I felt a single tear slip from my eye, but I managed to wipe it away against the sheets before Zack could notice.
Lying there in his arms, I stared up at the ceiling, and I realized how significant this moment was. We were two mismatched people who had come together unexpectedly and found solace and strength in one another’s company. And perhaps because we were so mismatched, it was hard to communicate sometimes. It was hard to be vulnerable, so when the time came, I knew we wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to one another.
But perhaps we had already done just that… the only way we knew how. We had expressed the significance of our relationship wordlessly, just now, with our bodies and our entwined limbs. It was the only way I knew to say goodbye.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Zack
“Where’s Mila?” I asked as I stepped into the house.
Devon and a few of the other guys were playing darts in the living room, and he looked up when he saw me. “Uh… I think she said she was going for a walk.”
I glanced at the staircase, and I noticed a bag there that I had seen in Mila’s room before. I knew I shouldn’t have asked, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Whose bag is that?” I asked.
“Mila’s,” Devon replied, turning his attention back to the dart game.
I wondered if he was being purposefully evasive, or if he was really just that involved in the dart game. I decided to leave it at that.
“Do you know where?” I asked instead.
“Where what?” Red asked.
I sighed in frustration. “Do you know where Mila went for her walk?”
“Just up the hill, I think,” Red replied.
I turned and headed in the direction of my childhood home. I was pretty sure that was where she was headed. It was nice and lonely; the boys didn’t often go down there out of respect for my parents’ memories, and it was a special spot for the both of us. We had formed a stronger connection while we had walked through the empty rooms of that house.
As I came up along the slightly slanting hill, I saw Mila at the top, staring down at the house. Again, I had the feeling that she was some ethereal being that didn’t really belong to this world, much less my world. She was wearing a subtle yellow dress with a flowing skirt that blew softly in the wind. It created a beautiful contrast against the brightness of her auburn hair that held bright streaks of red where the sunlight fell.
Her back was to me, so I couldn’t see her face, but I imagined she looked sad. That was how she had looked the last week after she had made her decision to move to Maine. She and Devon had planned everything between them, and they were planning on heading out early tomorrow morning. Devon would stay with Mila for a few weeks till she got settled in, and then he would head back.
Mila and I had spent the last week spending as much time together as possible. We had fucked often and passionately, and we had spent hours talking late into the night, but never about her impending departure. It was always about something unrelated, something safe and removed from the act of leaving.
Several times during the week, I had come close to telling her to just scrap her plans and stay here with me. It was completely out of character and strange for me to even think that I’d come to this point in my life, but I could no longer deny the fact that Mila had changed me. I was no longer the hardened man I used to be. I was no longer jaded and cynical and uninterested in long-term re
lationships. Suddenly, I wanted so much more than the life I was living.
That alone was hard for me to believe. I had never imagined I would ever reach a point when I was unhappy with my life. I had always thought of myself as lucky… to be free and independent and removed from the restraints and judgments of society. But now I realized that there were parts that were worth the fight, and it took Mila’s entrance into my life to make me see it.
Mila was so wrapped up in thought that she didn’t hear me coming until I came to stand beside her. She gave a start of surprise, then when she realized who it was, she smiled.
“I didn’t hear you coming.”
“You were busy thinking.”
“True,” Mila nodded. “Lots to think about.”
“Really?” I asked. “I thought everything was sorted out for you. You have your fresh start.”
“Right,” Mila nodded, but she seemed uncertain.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“No,” Mila replied, a little too quickly. “No… nothing’s wrong.”
“You’ve been a little… different all week,” I pointed out.
“Have I?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I could say the same thing about you.”
“Have I been different?” I asked, realizing she had turned the tables on me.
“I think so,” Mila nodded. “Almost like you wanted to tell me something all week that you’ve been holding back.”
It was on the tip of my tongue. I was about to tell her the truth and say, “I love you, Mila, just stay here with me. And if you don’t want to stay here with me… I’ll follow you wherever you want to go.”
The words didn’t sound so crazy in my head, and I contemplated saying them out loud for a moment. But then my courage stalled, and I turned my gaze away from her blue eyes. “No… I haven’t been holding anything back.”