This House (Modern Plays)

by James Graham

  Harper (stretching.) This can’t go on, Michael. We know what they’re doing –

  Cocks Of course we know, it’s what we’d be doing if we were them.

  Taylor enters, holding a baby.

  Cocks Ann, can you take this note – Oh, sorry, you’re … Joe, can you – ?

  Taylor No, he’s fine, just walked him outside to get him off. Here. (Handing him the baby.)

  Harper (bursting into gleeful ‘baby talk’) Hewo, wittle fella, who’s a bootiful boy, den, eh?

  Cocks (To Taylor) Get whoever’s on bench duty to slip this to the Minister, think it’s Joe Ashton.

  Taylor (exits) Course.

  Harrison (enters) How do. (At baby.) Well hewo / wittle one, who’s dis den, ey, bootiful?

  Harper (at baby) Who’s dis, uncle Walter? Is it, is it? Yes. Uncle Walter, yes.

  Cocks They here, Walter? Let’s get this over with. Joe, is he gonna be OK?

  Harrison I’ll get ’em in. (Exits.)

  Harper Oh ay, yeah, I’ll keep her schtum while we chitter chatter.

  Speaker The Members for West Lothian and Western Isles!

  Western Isles (entering with Harrison) Chief.

  West Lothian Hello, Michael.

  Harper Don, would you mind? The smoke. Baby.

  Western Isles Christ, babies in the Whips’ Office; what a brave new world. (Stubbing out his fag.) There you go, Joseph, I have extinguished the flame.

  West Lothian We just want to know if it’s true. Scotland and Wales Bill is going on the books?

  Cocks … Ay, it’s true.

  West Isles Hurrah! About time.

  West Lothian Oh shit. Christ’s sake.

  Cocks Tam, we know, but we’re being propped up, only bloody barely, by odds and sods, Scot Nats, Welsh Nats, folk that expect us to propose devolution as promised; if we don’t, we fall.

  West Lothian And you’ll fall if you do propose it, because I’ll tell you this, you’ll lose it in the House, and that’ll open the door for them lot over there.

  Harrison The Bill would only fail if rebels vote against it, Tam. Instead, why don’t we talk –

  West Lothian What’s to talk about?! If you devolve powers to Scotland and Wales then we Scot and Welsh MPs in Westminster will be as useful as a chocolate teapot, won’t we? You think the English will stand for us voting on laws that don’t even affect our own consituents?

  Western Isles What about a clause that says members representing Scotland in Westminster can only vote on things that affect the whole of the UK, not on matters affecting England?

  Cocks No, no. The principles of this building is that every Member of Parliament is entirely equal, allowed to vote on all matters. I won’t allow a clause that runs contrary to that.

  Harrison Also, word of warning, with the Tories dragging everything out at the moment, we’re going to have to put a Timetable Motion on it, too. Maximum of twenty days debate.

  West Lothian Twent – Hah! Twenty days?! This is about redrawing the constitution –

  Cocks Britain doesn’t have a constitution –

  West Lothian Matters which haven’t been discussed let alone attempted in the living memory of this Parliament, built to serve the whole United Kingdom. A Kingdom that is United. I thought handing power to Brussells was bad enough. This post-colonial fixation of just giving ourselves away! This Parliament was once the seat of the democratic world, now it’s the planet’s biggest jumble sale, with you tossing Scotland, Ireland and Wales overboard now too, shed some weight. It’s so bloody typical, this self-destructive, bloody country. (Exits.)

  Western Isles Well. I’ll be voting with you, Michael. And good luck to you. (Drinks. Exits.)

  Harrison (pause) Tam’s right, Michael, our members are unenthusiastic at best.

  Harper We should just kick this one over the fence, Michael. Pretend we’ve lost it. To try and pass something so, friggin’ huge without a majority. Asking for trouble.

  Cocks Well, we’re asking for trouble if we don’t, aren’t we?! (As he exits.) Is there any news on them fixing that sodding clock yet?!

  Opposition Whips’ Office. Night.

  Weatherill reclines in his chair, watching Coronation Street on the little TV. Atkins enters.

  Atkins What on earth is this?

  Weatherill From what I can gather, Hilda and Stan are off to a posh hotel for their second honeymoon. And this Ray chap is taking Deidre to the Dog and Gun ‘down Eccles way’.

  Atkins God, do people actually watch this stuff?

  Weatherill Apparently. (Chuckles at something on screen, despite himself.) Listen Chief, you don’t think we’re taking this a bit too far, do you? Somme tactics?

  Atkins Absolutely not. Well, perhaps. But we’re nearly there. This timetable motion for the Scotland and Wales Bill is practically a suicide note.

  Weatherill Well, I’ve got some wheels in motion that should carry the whole thing home. Some of the newer members, dissent over the Budget. Looking for a way to rebel.

  Atkins Really? From their own side? How on earth did you get wind of that?

  Weatherill Few tricks of the trade I picked up.

  The Commons’ Barbers.

  Speaker The Member for Nuneaton!

  Nuneaton is lathered up, getting a shave from the Barber. Weatherill enters and sits.

  Weatherill Any chance of a quick tidy up?

  Barber Course, sir. Take a seat.

  Nuneaton Bloody ’ell. ’S a pretty sharp suit you’ve got there.

  Weatherill Oh. Well, thank you. It’s Les, isn’t it? Nuneaton. Jack Weatherill.

  Nuneaton (playful gasp) The enemy.

  Weatherill Hardly. In fact, I heard, that on some things we’re on the same page … Quite a Budget this year, for a Socialist government. Cuts in spending. Higher taxes for the worse off.

  Nuneaton Well. What can you do, it’s the Budget.

  Weatherill Well, even Finance Bills go through committee. Amendments can be tabled by the Opposition.

  Nuneaton Never passed though, eh? Never happened.

  Weatherill No. No, never happened. But that’s only because the Opposition have never had Government back benches backing them up. If they did, well … anything would be possible. (Beat. Looking at him.) Worth thinking about, anyway.

  Silvester (running in, panicked) Jack! Something’s happened in the chamber.

  In the Chamber. Rotherham stands, pulling at his collar before falling back into the arms of other Members who carry him out, into:

  Government Whips’ Office. The Whips carry Rotherham in. Taylor performs CPR.

  Harrison Clear out! Give him some room!

  Cocks Brian? Brian, mate, the ambulance on its way, alright?

  Harrison Joe, go outside and meet them, quick as you can.

  Taylor He’s not … Michael, he’s doesn’t seem to be –

  Cocks takes over CPR as Silvester and Weatherill charge in.

  Weatherill What happened?

  Taylor He collapsed at the dispatch box.

  Cocks Come on, Brian, don’t be a silly bugger.

  Speaker The Member for Rushcliffe!

  Rushcliffe (entering with Silvester) I’m so sorry, Michael. Walter. We were just having a good old ding-dong, nothing out the ordinary, and then … (Seeing Rotherham.) Oh God …

  Harrison Oi, listen, he weren’t very well. He wasn’t well, OK? It’s nothing to do with you.

  Paramedics arrive in the office and take over.

  Weatherill Come on, we’d better give them some space, we’ll, we’ll –

  Rushcliffe (weeping) I’m so sorry.

  Harrison (more privately) Oi. Make sure your man doesn’t take this on himself, OK? This isn’t going to look very good, he’ll need protecting. And ‘no one dies in the Palace’, remember?

  Taylor Well, now hold on, no, it –

  Weatherill goes, with Ruschcliffe.

  Paramedics What’s his name?

  Cocks He’s the memb – I mean, Brian. His name
’s Brian.

  Paramedics Brian? You’re alright.

  The Paramedics leave with Rotherham, having put him on a stretcher.

  Taylor Michael, this whole ‘no one dies in the … ’ This, it isn’t good enough, Brian’s just … there need to be consequences –

  Cocks Oh and what do we do to them, that side? Stroke them with feathers?! No, we … (Flicking through a book.) I need to, shit, phone his wife, and …

  The phone rings. He answers.

  Not bloody now … Oh. Sorry … (Looks at the others.) Right … well, thank you for letting us know, Jack. (Puts the phone down.) Pairing. It’s back on.

  Scene Three

  The Chamber. The Members sing ‘I Vow To Thee My Country’, waving little Union Jacks.

  Speaker The Member for Ashfield! The Member for Birmingham Stechford!

  Ashfield and Birmingham Stechford step out from the Chamber, one after the other, and replace their mini-Union Jacks with mini-European Community flags, exiting.

  Government Whips’ Office. Late night, darkly lit, ‘–5’ now on the board.

  Harrison sits, his feet on the desk, listening to Wagner. He studies the record sleeve.

  Taylor (entering, slowing to a stop) Blimey, what’s going on here?

  Harrison From what I can make out, this Tannhäuser chap’s gone missing and his missus, Liz, she’s not happy. And when they’re not happy in opera they’re properly not happy. I’ve an ’orrible feeling it’s all going to go wrong.

  Taylor And why’s that?

  Harrison Well. Opera, innit. It always goes tits up in the end. (Flicks it off.)

  Lady Batley (knocking, entering) Helloo?

  Harrison Whey, Lady Broughton, how’s the Doc, all set?

  Lady Batley Yes, we ju – I just wanted to say thank you. For putting us up while pairing was off. Oh, hark at me ‘putting us up’, feel like we’re checking out of a B&B.

  Harrison You’re very welcome, love, just leave your money on the side.

  Lady Batley (laughs) Well. Just one more, erm … (Quieter.) I, I wondered about finally looking into … you know … letting Alf bow out. Finding a replacement, Batley?

  Harrison Of course, my lovely. We want you enjoying your retirement, don’t we?

  Lady Batley Thank you, Walter. Bye, then (Exits, passing Cocks coming in.) Oh, hello.

  Cocks Hi. (Enters.) Exit poll of the Ashfield by-election, unbelievable. Tories are gonna take it.

  Harrison You what? Ashfield, that’s a mining town?! What they voting Tory for?!

  Cocks Can’t fucking believe them two. Roy and David going off to Europe, thanks very much! (Replaces ‘–5’ with ‘–7’ on the board.) We finally get pairing back so the sick ones can stay home, and now the healthy ones are throwing their toys out of the pram, Jesus.

  Taylor Coventry South West is on her way down, Chief.

  Cocks Whatever happened to loyalty, eh? Compromise, seeing both sides, helping each other out. Do they want to get booted out? ’S like turkeys voting for sodding Christmas here.

  Speaker Coventry South West!

  Coventry South West (entering) Hello everyone, ooh, ’s nice in here, isn’t it?

  Harrison (gritted teeth) Would you like a drink, Audrey.

  Coventry South West Ta. Don’t bother with the posh plonk, I can’t tell Stork from butter, me.

  Cocks Audrey. Cut to the chase. Your increasing displays of disloyalty, under normal circumstances, would not only not be tolerated, but –

  Coventry South West Disloyalty? Who to? It’d be disloyal to go against my principles, surely?

  Harrison This is a hung Parliament, compromises have to be made on policy.

  Coventry South West Well, can you explain why we’ve been voted in to look after working-class interests, the underfunded parts of the country, but our Chancellor is proposing 1.25 billion pounds worth of cuts? I’m not the only one, you know, a lot of our lot agree with me.

  Cocks And how would you feel if we became the first government in living memory to lose the House and be forced into an election, eh?

  Coventry South West Well. Given that I’ve always voted for my constituents over my Party, my ratings locally are through the roof. What about you, dear, how’s yours looking?

  Cocks … Flatter yourself if you want that they voted for you personally, but they didn’t. They voted for the Party. Based on class. Based on economic group. Based on geography. Based on what their effing mums and dads used to vote for. Not you. OK? This is how it works.

  Coventry South West My understanding of this democracy is that people were sent to look after the interests of their neighbours, not just do as they were told by you lot.

  Taylor So you pay no heed of the benefits of working together as a party, with shared ideals, not on every specific detail, no, but still able to come together? In order to get stuff done. It’s not perfect, Audrey, but it’s all we’ve got.

  Coventry South West It’s only not perfect because no one is strong enough to challenge it. Well. No one was strong enough. There are ‘plans afoot’. (Drinks.) Ta for the sherry.

  She exits.

  Harrison Audrey. Audrey?! Get back here now!

  He exits, followed by Ann.

  Cocks alone. He takes an envelope from his pocket. Empties it on the desk. A cassette tape falls out. He looks around … popping it into the cassette deck of the record player. Plays …

  Walsall North (recorded, off) … Because the thing is, Michael … as I sit here. It doesn’t feel like incarceration; that did. My life did. Before … Trapped, aboard a sinking ship, that stunk of filth and squalor and death … everyone’s leaving us, Michael, can’t you see that. Aboard the lifeboats … away … to newer, safer, stronger ships … while you stand on deck with your little orchestra, playing one last tune, as the whole thing goes down …

  Opposition Whips’ Office. All Tory whips assembled, a sense of ‘preparation’.

  Atkins Right, everyone ready? Jack, do the honours, this is your master scheme.

  Weatherill (out the door) Please come in, won’t you.

  Speaker The Members for Coventry South West, Nuneaton and Birmingham Perry Barr!

  Coventry South West Oh. Everything’s the same in here but the other way around.

  Atkins Right, let’s not beat around Shepherd’s Bush, hmm? Just proceed to Go, and collect our £200, shall we? Or rather … four hundred and fifty million. Is that correct?

  Coventry South West Well, that’s what we’re told the savings will be. Nationwide.

  Atkins Wonderful. Of course, we on this side of the House, we like lowers taxes –

  Perry Barr We’re not against the ethos of tax-and-spend, Atkins. But it has to be fair.

  Atkins Absolutely, and rest assured, the Shadow Chancellor is very excited about your amendment, in fact given this will be the first time an Opposition amendment to a Government’s budget has been proposed by the Government’s party … I think I can all safely say we’re pretty excited to see how it goes down with your Party.

  Coventry South West The only parties I like, Mr Atkins, have jelly and ice cream and clowns prancing around.

  Atkins Well, you’ll be right at home at the Labour Conference then, but (with a document and a pen) if I may, this is your proposal. To link tax allowances with the rate of inflation, estimated to reduce the government’s tax income by … half, a billion, pounds.

  The Labour members all sign. Weatherill looks uncomfortable. Guilty, even? He looks away.

  Atkins You’re heroes, that’s what you are. Anything to add, anyone?

  Esher I don’t give a beggar’s fart, long as we shove it up their pisspipe and make it sting.

  Atkins As ever, Colonel, wise, crazy words. Good health.

  Silvester and Esher show the Labour members out. Weatherill is busying himself.

  Atkins Well, I’d say this is out greatest strike yet. Imagine the gasket that Walter will blow when he hears about this. All down to you.

  Weathe
rill Mmm. Well it was. All of us –

  Atkins Jack. I’m saying you did good. Really good.

  Weatherill (uncomfortably) … thank you.

  The Chamber.

  Speaker The question is, that Amendment 22 to the Finance Bill under the name of the honourable members for Coventry South West and for Perry Bar, be made.

  Ayes to right, 246, noes to the left, 211. The Ayes have it! The Ayes have it!

  A brief burst of ‘Jerusalem’ from the Members Chorus.

  Government Whips’ Office Jubilee paraphernalia around the room. Harper and Harrison

  Taylor strides in dressed in running attire. Seconds later, Cocks arrives, more knackered.

  Harrison (slamming the phone down) That bloody woman!

  Taylor (laughing at Cocks) Alright, slow-coach. Not bad, though, better than yesterday.

  Harrison Michael, Coventry’s at it again, stirring up trouble. Marched with the striking Asian workers at Grunwick yesterday, got herself arrested for punching someone’s lights out.

  Cocks Oh for – Right, I’ll have her! I swear to … (Picking up the phone.)

  Taylor Sure you don’t fancy a little jog, Joe? You know … keep fit?

  Harper … I’m fine, thanks Ann.

  Cocks (on the phone) Audrey. Michael Cocks. We’ve heard about your day out yesterday … Aud – Audrey, shut up a second. You’re an MP who got arrested for physical assault. Now … well, regardless, you have to do one of the following, alright? Either pay a £20 fine … Aud – a £20 fine, or you can come down here and write a formal apology now, which is it to be? … Good. (Phone down.) She’s coming down.

  Harper How are the numbers on the Devolution timetable?

  Harrison (looking at the numbers on the board) We’re not going to make it.

  Taylor … Well, you never know. Timing it with the Jubilee might work, convince people the union is strong enough to hold. And never underestimate a royal event to distract people.

  Cocks (with some newspapers) Oh Christ, papers are still full of that flippin’ budget amendment. God, and the smug look on the aristotwats faces, all poncing around here like Cheshire cats.

  Speaker Member for Coventry South West!

  Coventry South West enters.