Rogue
As Aurora’s friend makes her way toward us, the overwhelming desire to grab her and pull her into my arms overrides my good senses. I’ve always known that she harbors certain feelings toward me, but I’ve brushed them off. But right now, I need the familiarity of a friend that links me to the love of my life.
“How was your drive?” I ask her as I hold her tightly to me.
“Long. How are you two holding up?” she asks as a hiccup expels from her lips. There’s so many emotions from that hitch in her breath… sorrow, fear, anger. It’s all present and I feel every one of them.
Out of my peripheral, I notice Harmony move from the spot she’s sat sentry at for hours and slowly make her way to us. Bella pulls herself away from me and kneels in front of my girl. “Hey, sweetheart.”
Harmony has barely shed a word since the loss of her mother, keeping the trend up, she lifts her small hand and issues a small, welcoming wave. “Can you say hi to Auntie Bella?” I question, urging her to speak the words aloud. She shakes her head and my world once again tilts on its axis. The horrific thoughts of losing my child inside of her own head makes me feel like I’ve let Aurora down. My job is to protect our daughter the way I couldn’t protect her.
The overwhelming sensations of losing that battle has me mentally lost. The guys think I should take her to see a shrink, but I don’t want anyone medicating and digging into my daughter’s mind. I don’t believe in invading anyone’s private thoughts; I keep telling myself that we just need to give her time. This is an adjustment for all of us.
Harmony will come around, she has to. If I lose her as well, I assuredly have no reason to go on in life. Part of my soul has been ripped from my body. All that I have left belongs to this tiny slip of a girl. Turning my attention back to Bella, I answer her previous question. “We’re holding up, by a thin thread, but we’ll make it through. Won’t we my little Outlaw?” No verbalization is shared from my girl, instead, we receive a simple shoulder shrug. “Alright, let’s help Bella get her luggage from the car.” Lifting my head up, I ask Bella, “Would you prefer to stay here at the clubhouse or at our house with Harmony and me?”
“I believe I’d like to stay with you and Harmony.” She looks my baby girl in her eyes before investigating whether that’s alright with her. “Harmony, would you like to have a sleepover with your auntie Bella?”
Harmony nods her head with a little light shining in her eyes. Maybe, just maybe, Bella will be the saving grace I’ve been silently begging for.
Chapter Six
Bella
Today is the day we lay Aurora to rest. Both Rogue and Harmony are dragging their feet, trying to put off the inevitable. I don’t want to be the one who rushes them to face her send off, so I’m puttering around the house, checking to see if anything needs cleaning. I’m already in my black wrap dress and heels so there’s not much I can do, but I can do a load of laundry before we leave the house. Deciding Harmony’s clothes is the best place to start, I head into her bedroom but stop dead in my tracks when I see her sitting in a ball. She’s rocking back and forth in the corner of her bed with a doll snuggly in her embrace. She has a death grip on the toy that I can literally see her hands turning from their ivory color to a ghostly-white pallor. Her eyes are blank, completely vacant, which has my heart skipping a beat while leaping into my throat.
The clog that lands there has me struggling to catch my breath. What do you say in an instance such as this to a six-year-old baby who’s just lost her entire world? How do you help them understand when you don’t get it yourself? I’m still wrapping my head around the concept that I’ll never be able to pick up the telephone and have endless, mindless conversations with Aurora. Walking toward her like one would a wounded animal, I slowly and easily sit on the opposite side of her. Not wanting to spook her, I say her name in a whisper. Nothing. I don’t get even a flinch of her eyes when I do. “I’m gonna go get your daddy, baby girl,” I finally admit defeat after sitting here, watching her for minutes on end. Shaking my head with worry, I go in search of Rogue.
It takes me a few minutes, but I finally find him out in the garage, sitting in Aurora’s car. His hands are tightly gripping the steering wheel as her last cassette tape she was listening to before coming home is playing loudly through the speakers. The streaming music brings back memories of days gone by where Aurora and I would just drive around town blasting music and singing until our throats became raw.
“I’m in love, Bella,” Aurora screams over the beats blasting out of the speakers.
“What? With that biker dude?” I ask, he’s the only one she’s been keeping company with these past few weeks. I’ve seen him in passing, but that’s all. I haven’t met him yet; our schedules hadn’t synced up to where we could.
“He has a name, Bell,” she giggles; it sounds like chimes are playing through her happy words. I’m not going to lie, I’m a little jealous of the glow that’s coating her face.
“Rogue is not a name, Aurora.”
“It’s his road name, the only one he allows anyone to call him by. According to him, it’s the only one that counts.” Reaching over, I turn down the volume so I can hear her clearer without all of the yelling.
“Why? If you're his woman, you should be allowed to call him by his given name I’d think,” I advise, as this causes me a bit of concern. How can she express she’s in love when she doesn’t know who she’s falling for? A man with two identities means two different sides to him. One he’ll share with the world, and one he’ll only share with her. But which one is better? Which one is trustworthy with my best friend's heart? “What all do you know about him?”
“I know enough,” she says, sending me a side-eyed glare. “I know he excites me, my heart beats faster in my chest whenever I hear his voice. My body shivers in anticipation whenever his arms are wrapped around me. My lips sizzle with heat whenever his connect to mine. And the way he looks at me, it’s as if I’m the reason the world turns on its axis. His smiles are inviting, heart stopping. I’m a giddy teenage girl whenever he pulls up on his motorcycle.”
“Newsflash, Aurora, you are a teenage girl,” I remind her.
“But he treats me like a woman, Bella. Wait until you meet him, you’ll understand once you spend some time with him.”
The blaring music cuts off, bringing me back into present times. “Did ya need something, Bella?” Rogue’s voice comes out raspy, I can tell he’s holding back his tears of sorrow.
“Harmony needs you, Rogue. She’s sitting on her bed rocking herself, not acknowledging the fact that I was in the same room, trying to communicate with her. I think you’ll be the only one who can get through to her.”
Rogue
I was sitting here, listening to Aurora’s favorite tunes when an awareness of no longer being alone hit me square in the chest. At least my instincts are still working, to a point. I wish they’d been working during the time it was brought to my attention we had a mole. A neon sign marked ‘here the bastard is’ would’ve been helpful. Especially if it had been pointing to my enemy, then, I could’ve saved the love of my life and none of us would be experiencing this endless heartbreak. I haven’t shared that during her autopsy is when they discovered my baby was growing in her belly; but not a moment goes by that I’m not wracked with guilt and pure anguish by that fact. Apparently she’d been to our physician earlier in the day and found out. I’ve imagined her shock and happiness countless times as I know she was beyond thrilled to tell of this news that fateful day. And as I relive it, I die a little more inside each time, it feels. We’d tried for years and after many losses accepted our fate and counted our blessing named Harmony. What an overly cruel and merciless world to finally give her, us, our heart’s desire only for it to be ripped away moments later.
So, yeah, I lost two people that day, only I’m the only one who is mourning them both. I’m not ready to share that news with anyone just yet, this is my burden to bear for the time being. Not
to mention, Harlow and Bane don’t need something else tossed on their plate, they’re dealing with their own grievances. I don’t think either one of them could handle one more loss piled on top of it. Losing their unborn child and being informed of the fact that they can’t produce another, has hit them both like a sledgehammer to the sternum. Bane, in a fit of rage and despair, ripped the nursery to shreds and the men went in and cleaned it back up then stored the baby’s furniture, toys and clothing. Harlow refused to even step foot inside of it. Now, it is one less thing she will have to do and this way, won’t be forced to see a room that’ll never hold their resting child.
“I’ll be right there,” I tell Bella as I gather what little strength I have left to go and care for my child. I can’t take the time to feel sorry for myself, my number one priority right now is, and will always be, Harmony.
I put the club before my wife and daughter long enough. For now, I need to be a father. I’m still keeping tabs on my club and running things, I’m just not as hands-on as I was before Rora was violently taken away from me. I contemplated for a moment, a short period of time, of grabbing Harmony and putting this life behind us. But that was grief overtaking common sense. I’m too damn blood-thirsty to walk away. I need my vengeance, I need to ensure my daughter’s safety, and as long as I’m running; that’ll never happen. I’ll always look over my shoulder, I’ll always be a target, and I need my brothers at my back to help ensure Harmony’s safety.
I watch silently as Bella walks back into the house, then I allow my emotions to show on my face briefly before shutting off Rora’s car, shutting the garage door and entering my house. I go straight to Harmony’s room, and when I see her, I rush over to her and pull her into my arms before sitting back on her bed.
We’re already running behind to get to Rora’s funeral, but they will have to wait on me anyway to begin. I rock my girl and speak softly to her, “We’re gonna go tell Momma goodbye and send her off to become an angel. She’ll always be watching over us, protecting us, loving us and cheering us on. She’ll never leave you, baby girl. She’ll always be with you in spirit and in your heart.”
“Momma will be there?” My little Outlaw asks me, the first words she’s really even spoken that aren’t completely muffled. If I hadn’t been paying close attention to her, I’d have missed her question. She’s speaking like a meek mouse—scared, her voice quivering. But she spoke, and no words have ever sounded sweeter to this father’s ears.
“She’ll be there, sweet girl. She’ll be sleeping deeply and won’t respond to you, but she’s there, never doubt that.”
“Can I bring my doll?” Harmony questions. Knowing that she needs something to help comfort her, I agree to let her bring her baby with us.
“Yeah, baby. You can bring her with us.”
Walking into the small chapel where Rora’s services will be commencing, the mood is dark and somber. There’re crying women, men whose eyes are misty, but you can feel the anger welling up inside of them. The room is thick with tension and a variety of emotions, but I understand it, I feel it deep within my soul. I’m thankful that they are holding it back, for Rora, for Harmony. I, however, need to feel it, allow it to fuel me and keep me from crumbling in despair. Nods of heads greet me, then eyes shift to my daughter who’s hanging onto me with a death grip. Her head is buried in my shoulder as my sleeve and cut become coated with tears. Gathering my courage, I walk her over to the casket so that she and I can say our final goodbye and send her mother off.
The reaper came too early for my love; I’d take that motherfucker out if I could. Instead, I’ll have to settle for the man who delivered her to him. When the casket comes within touching range, Harmony nearly flies from my arms, reaching out for her mother. I grip her tightly to me. “Momma!” she bellows as endless tears stream down her cheeks. “Let me go, I want my momma!”
The room around me goes silent, there’s no quiet murmuring or talking any longer. Just complete silence for a short amount of time until I hear a few crashes behind me, and I know that my men are about to lose their shit. I don’t have it in me to wrangle them up and put them in their place, I have a distraught daughter who’s all but begging for her mother to open her eyes. To hear her. See her. Wrap her arms around her. None of which is going to happen… not ever again.
I begin walking the room with her in my arms, she never stops wailing, begging for me to take her to her mom; but I can’t, not yet, I wasn’t prepared for her reaction to seeing Rora in the confinement of that box that she will forever rest in now. I knew it was going to be rough and tough, but I never foresaw her trying to get inside with her mom. I should have, they had a close, tight-knit relationship. I’m always one step ahead of others, but this time, I lacked that feat. I was one step behind, that cannot happen again. Not for anything or anyone. I have to lock my emotions down; I need to be the president that the men have come to expect me to be.
When the pastor announces everyone needs to take a seat, I briskly walk past the casket and place Outlaw in my lap. Her eyes stay glued to her mother's body, she once again becomes silent and zombie like. The only signs of life in her are the way her eyes are scanning Rora.
Time flies by, quicker than was expected; I was lost in my head, my own world where my woman was alive and at our side. Ridiculous seeing as we're here to send her off to a better place.
As the funeral begins to wrap up and we prepare to carry her casket to the hearse, I sit Harmony down as Bella and I make our way to the front to thank everyone for coming.
I shake a dozen hands before looking over to check on my little Outlaw. When my eyes land on where she should be, I become scared shitless when I see nothing but an empty pew.
Harmony
When all the adults leave me alone; my body begins to shake as fear takes hold of me. I don’t want to be by myself, all I want to do is stand up and walk over to my momma. I know she must be feeling scared just like I do and I want to keep her company. Sliding down from the seat, I quietly step on the tips of my toes as I go to her. When I get there, Momma’s still sleeping. “Momma, it’s time to wake up now. I miss you; Daddy misses you; we need you to wake up and come back home. Please Momma, please open your eyes and wake up.” She doesn't answer me, instead she stays fast asleep. “You missed breakfast, you told me we always need to eat breakfast to fuel our bodies for the day. I ate, Momma, I didn’t want to, but I did. I wanted to wait for you to eat this morning, but Auntie Bella said I needed to eat all of my food so I could come see you. I’m here now, Momma, and I ate like a big girl. I cleaned my room like you said to do every day. I’m being a good girl, Momma, won’t you come home now? I promise I’ll always be good if you don’t leave me.” Why won’t she wake up and talk to me? Is she going to heaven because I was a bad girl? “I’ve been waiting for you to come back home for a long time now. I swear I’ll clean my plate, wash behind my ears, brush my teeth and pick up my room. You won’t ever have to tell me to do it again, I’ll do it all by myself. Just wake up and come home!”
My knees won’t hold me up anymore and I crumble to the ground.
Be my good girl, whispers in my mind. Always do what your daddy tells you.
“I will, Momma, I promise.” Standing back up, I put my doll in the box with her. I don't want her to feel lonely. Until she comes back home, Dollie can keep her company and keep her from getting scared.
Chapter Seven
Rogue
I begin rushing down the aisle, intent on finding Harmony. When I hear her speaking to her mother, my heart shatters. When I see her legs go out from underneath her, I start to head that way until she picks herself back up and places her baby doll in the casket with her mom. I hear a gasp next to me and my head swivels in the direction the sound came from. Bella is next to me, tears falling freely from her eyes and her hand clamped over her mouth. Instinctively, I pull her into my side. I wait until I feel like me swooping Harmony in my arms will be appropriate. What kind of father would I be if I don’t
allow my girl to say what she needs to? When Harmony turns, she looks destroyed. I don’t wait any longer to head for her. Letting Bella go, I slowly walk to my daughter. “Hey, baby,” I say as I take a knee before her. She opens up her arms and I mirror her. She rushes over and jumps up, landing in my embrace. I stagger a bit, but catch us before my own legs give out.
“Momma’s gonna keep Dollie so she’s not scared or by herself, okay?” she asks with her head still tucked in my neck.
“That’s perfect, you’re such a good girl, my little Outlaw. I love you so much, Harmony.”
“I love you too, Daddy.”
My men lead the hearse to the cemetery as I ride behind my woman. She may no longer be of this world, but I will always, no matter what, have her back. Bella is driving behind me with Harmony in the vehicle with her. My little girl is only responding to the two of us, so I let her ride with Bella. I watch as the men don’t stop in the parking lot, instead they make a row with their bikes that lead from the lot to her final resting place. As I get off my bike, I head toward Bella’s car and pull out my daughter. We silently watch as the engines begin to rev in succession as Rora is carried down the aisle they’ve made with their bikes. This is their way of honoring her life and showing her a respectful send off. It’s the biker way of things.
Rogue's Retribution: Twisted Iron MC Page 6