by E. L. Todd
“Well, I think Rhett is sick. Hopefully, he’ll hit up the bars with me sometime,” Conrad said. “You can come too, Cayson.”
Cayson looked out the window. “No, I’m good.”
Conrad and I exchanged a look but neither one of us dared to say anything.
***
Our anniversary happened to be on a Friday so that worked out perfectly for me. Leading up to that, I pretended like I had no idea our anniversary was coming up. I acted totally normal and never spoke of any plans for the weekend.
She would be so surprised.
I made reservations for the bed and breakfast place and made sure rose pedals were sprinkled on the bed and a bottle of champagne would be waiting for us. Since this was our first anniversary together I had to make sure it was perfect.
I came home from work and Trinity was already in the kitchen. She was looking inside the refrigerator like she was trying to decide what to make for dinner.
“Hey, baby. How was your day?” I stood behind her and waited for her to turn around.
“It was okay. A lot of work.”
I waited for her to turn around. “Are you going to give your husband a kiss?”
She slowly shut the door then turned around. The look on her face was heartbreaking. She looked sad, like she assumed I forgot about our wedding anniversary. When I didn’t mention it that morning she probably assumed I had nothing planned for her. But when she saw the roses in my hand, her eyes widened and the affection immediately brewed inside.
“Happy anniversary.” I gave her a slow kiss before I handed the flowers over. I hardly ever got Trinity flowers. I usually tried to find something less cliché but I couldn’t think of anything else to hand over along with the envelope.
When they were in her hands she smelled them. A noticeable smile was on her lips. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.”
“There’s a card.”
She pulled it out and read it. When she realized it wasn’t a Hallmark card telling her how much I loved her, a quizzical look came across her face. “A bed and breakfast?”
“In Vermont.”
“Awe…that’s so sweet.”
“I thought we could spend the weekend together…staring at deer and stuff. It’s pretty romantic, right?”
“Very.” She set the flowers down then moved into my chest. “I love it. Thank you.”
I kissed the top of her forehead. “We’re leaving tonight. Is that okay?”
“Yes.” She kept her arms around my waist.
“You actually thought I would forget?” I whispered.
“No…I just wasn’t sure if you knew what to do.”
“Give me more credit than that, baby.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I will give you the credit you deserve from now on.”
“Thank you.” I squeezed her before I finally let go. “Now go pack your things.”
“Well, I got something for you too.” She pulled away with a playful look in her eyes.
“Slutty lingerie?” Girls had it so easy. All they had to do was dress like a slut and that was a gift.
“No, something better.”
I was drawing a blank. What was better than slutty lingerie?
“Wait here. I’ll go get it.”
Maybe it was a tiger or something? Or maybe it was some sex toys? The anticipation was killing me.
Trinity came back into the room holding an electric guitar with a bow on it. It was clearly heavy because she was struggling to carry it.
My jaw dropped when I saw the beautiful instrument in her hands. It was a Fender Telecaster, the nicest guitar known to man. It was beautiful and sleek, and it was a deep navy blue, looking majestic. Along the neck was her name written in black cursive.
Trinity.
She stopped in front of me and watched my expression.
I couldn’t speak because I was still in shock. It was the most beautiful guitar I’d ever seen. And the fact her name was written underneath the chords made it a million times more special.
“I know guys name their guitars sometimes...I hope I wasn’t too presumptuous.”
“No, not at all.” I slowly moved it from her hands and held it in my fingertips. “Holy shit, this is the nicest guitar I’ve ever seen. It’s…there are no words.”
She smiled. “I’m glad you like it.”
“Like it?” I asked. “I love it. My gift is so lame compared to yours.”
“Not at all.”
I felt the strings with my thumb and listened to the beautiful music it made. “This is so fucking amazing. Trinity…you’re the best wife ever.”
Her cheeks blushed. “I’m glad you like it. I thought my name would throw you off…”
“No, it’s so much sexier that way. I’ll always play it at my shows. Men name their sailboats after their wives, and musicians name their guitars after their ladies. There’s no other name I’d want engraved onto the wood.” My fingers moved along the neck and felt the sleek wood. It was perfect, hand made and gorgeous.
Trinity continued to watch me touch it.
I finally set it on the counter and gripped Trinity tightly. “You. Are. Amazing.”
The redness was still in her cheeks.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I cupped her face and kissed her. “I’m going to give you the best lovin’ you’ve ever had on this trip.”
“You always give me the best lovin’.”
“But it’s gonna be even better. You’re going to be sore by the time I’m done with you.”
“Ooh…that sounds nice.”
“So, pack your things and let’s head out. Our first anniversary is gonna be awesome. Shit, it already is.”
“I’ll go get my things.” She started to walk away.
I snatched her and pulled her back to me and gave her a hard kiss. Then I released her and smacked her ass. “Hurry.”
“I’m trying but you keep pulling me back.”
“Then run.”
Chapter Four
Arsen
“Yeah…she had a lot of crap.” Levi put his hands on his hips as he surveyed her old bedroom. A twin bed was against the wall with two nightstands. There was another dresser and a vanity, and a closet full of clothes and keepsakes.
“At least she was clean.” The apartment I shared with my mom was always a mess. There were old cigarettes everywhere and fast food bags left on the ground. And it always reeked of garbage.
“Yeah, I’ll give her that.”
“What do you want to do with everything?”
“I don’t know.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Seeing her stuff just makes me sad…she’s never coming back. It’s where her ghost lives. But it’s too hard to get rid of her stuff. Then it’s like she was never here at all. I keep going back and forth.”
“Well, you’ll have your own family someday. It can’t stay like this.”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Maybe keep a few things, like pictures and stuff.” I tried to be as distant as possible when it came to stuff like this. If I thought about it too hard, I would get choked up.
“I guess we’ll get rid of everything but pictures and other trinkets we find.”
“We can donate it to The Salvation Army. At least then we aren’t just throwing it away.”
“True.”
We began work and started discarding everything into large trash bags. The furniture was in great shape and there was no reason to get rid of it, but I knew Levi didn’t want to see it every day. We emptied all the clothes out of the drawers and prepared to have someone pick it up.
When we moved to the closet, we started finding things that couldn’t be tossed aside so easily. There were pictures, jewelry, and shoes.
“Mom used to wear these every time we went out anywhere.” He held up a pair of black heels. “She had them for at least twelve years.” He tossed them in the bag and released a sigh as he did it.
I looked through he
r jewelry box. Most of the stuff was cheap and rusty. She clearly never owned a real piece of jewelry. “Toss this?”
“Yeah.” He opened the bag for me.
Then we got to the photo albums. They were small and only contained a few pictures but I opened them anyway. I didn’t expect to see anyone I knew. Random pictures of old boyfriends and maybe one or two of a friend. I flipped through them but stopped when I found pictures of a small boy with jet-black hair.
“What?” Levi asked.
I recognized the background as our old apartment. I was sitting on the floor with a few toys I got from the twenty-five cent machine. There was another one of me wearing a backpack as I headed to school. Then I found another one of me napping on the couch. My mouth was open like I was drooling.
I never knew she took pictures of me.
Levi continued to watch me.
“She had pictures of me…” My eyes watered as I stared at the photographs. Then I found one of she and I together. It was the only in the album. Her arm was around me and we were standing in front of the front door. I had no idea when this picture was taken. I couldn’t even remember it. Why would she keep these pictures unless…she cared about me?
“Arsen?”
I looked up. “Sorry?”
“You okay?”
“I…I don’t know.” If she’d only shown these to me things could have been different. This whole time I thought my mother didn’t love me but she still treasured me, even from a distance.
“You can keep that if you want.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded. “Of course.”
I closed the book and felt the old leather in my hands. Then I placed it aside. “Thanks…”
***
I sat at the bar and drank. I had three drinks of scotch even though I wasn’t the biggest fan of it. It was smooth and went down my pipe in the right way. With the large ice cubes and the powerful affect, it was exactly what I needed.
I used to hate being alone but now all I ever wanted was solitude.
I was hardly home anymore. After I got off work, I headed to the bar or joined Levi. Levi and I weren’t close, but we’d experienced the same event. He was the only person who truly understood what I was going through.
Silke was there but…I never turned to her. I wasn’t sure why. She’d had the perfect life with a mother and father who treasured her so deeply. I never had anything like that. In that regard, we were from two different worlds.
And I loathed myself.
I really fucked up. If I’d just had a level head none of this would have happened. When it came down to it, I was a bitter man unable to let go of the past. If I had, things would have played out much differently. At one point in time, I found myself again. But now I was lost.
My phone vibrated in my pocket so I pulled it out and checked the screen.
It was Silke. When are you coming home? She didn’t speak to me very often and constantly walked on eggshells around me.
Soon.
Abby wants to say good night.
I’d been neglecting my daughter because I was too depressed to be a father. It wasn’t fair to her and I knew that, but yet I kept drinking and drowning in my own misery.
Arsen, Abby needs you.
I couldn’t ignore Abby, not when she was directly asking for me. I reeked of alcohol and felt a little sluggish but I managed to throw the cash on the table before I walked out and headed home.
After a ten-minute walk, I entered the house and tossed my keys on the counter. I threw them too hard and they slid across the marble and landed on the tile. A migraine was thudding behind my eyes. I felt wet from all the alcohol and my movements were slower than usual.
Silke’s voice came into my ear. “Arsen?”
I slowly turned to her, feeling the room spin slightly. “Present.”
Irritation was in her eyes but she didn’t voice it. “Abby is still awake if you want to say good night.”
“Yeah…” I walked past her and headed down the hallway. Her toys were on the ground and I tripped and stumbled on the hardwood floor. I caught myself by my hands but my knee hurt because I bumped it against something.
Silke grabbed my elbow and tried to help me up.
I jerked away. “I got it.”
“You’re drunk.”
“You should be a detective.” I got to my feet and smoothed out my shirt.
She gave me a death threat with just her eyes. “I don’t give a shit if you’re drunk. Don’t talk to me like that.”
“Or what?” I leaned toward her, trying to intimidate her with my size.
She slapped me hard across the face and made me stumble against the wall. “That’s what.”
I didn’t feel the pain because I was numb but I hit the wall at a weird angle and that put me off balance.
“Now say good night to your daughter and sleep on the couch.” Silke stormed off and entered the bedroom.
I rubbed my cheek before I entered Abby’s room. She was lying in her bed with the pink blanket over her shoulders. I took a seat beside her then rested my hand on her arm. “Awake, sweetheart?”
She turned over and looked at me with sleepy eyes. “Daddy?”
“Just came to say goodnight.”
She blinked her eyes a few times as she tried to wake up. “Night, Daddy.”
I kissed her forehead then tucked the blankets around her.
“Daddy?”
“Hmm?”
“Why aren’t you home anymore?”
“Work…I’ve been busy.”
She stared at me like she didn’t understand what I said. “Why are you different?”
“I’m not different.”
“You are different,” she whispered. “You aren’t the same…”
My heart squeezed in pain. “I lost someone I love…it’s been hard.”
“Like Mommy?”
I nodded. “Yeah…like Mommy.”
“I’m sorry you’re sad, Daddy. When you’re sad it makes me sad too.”
I closed my eyes because her words pained me. “Thank you, sweetheart.” I leaned down and gave her another kiss. “But Daddy will be okay. Now you get some sleep. You have school in the morning.”
“Okay…” She closed her eyes again then released a deep sigh.
I left her bedroom then returned to the hallway. I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping with Silke tonight so I returned to the living room and lay on the couch. There wasn’t a pillow or blanket but I didn’t need them. I stared at the ceiling for a long time before I closed my eyes.
The sound of footsteps emerged down the hallway, and I knew Silke had more to say. I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep.
Her voice came out as a whisper. “I know you’re going through a hard time right now but that doesn’t give you the right to treat Abby and I like this. You’re stronger than that. You need to snap out of it and lean on us, not hurt us.”
My eyes opened. “She kept pictures of me.”
“Who?”
“My mom. I found them in her closet. She took pictures of me when I was a little boy…she had them the whole time. If only I just listened to her…maybe things would have been different.”
Silke approached the couch but didn’t sit down. “You had every right to be upset, Arsen. It was smart of you not to trust her. No one blames you for that.”
“Well, I lost my mother and I could have saved her. But instead, I chose to be a jackass.”
“You weren’t a jackass, Arsen.”
“I said some terrible things.”
“And you apologized to her.”
“On her death bed,” I said bitterly. “It was the last conversation I had with her. I could have had a relationship with her if I just looked past my anger and gave her a chance. Now I’ll never get that chance again.”
Silke remained rigid and didn’t make a move. “I think—”
“I think you have no idea how I feel so you should just back off. Instead of hound
ing me you should support me.”
“What do you think I’ve been trying to do?” she snapped. “Every time I come near you, you push me away.”
“Because I don’t deserve you. We are from different worlds, Silke. I’ll always be a dark and fucked up person.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is,” I snapped. “And we both know it.”
“So, your response is to push away the woman who loves you more than anything?”
I kept my mouth shut.
“What does that solve, Arsen? Your mother wouldn’t want you to destroy your family just because she’s gone. Instead of focusing on the past you need to make the future better. Love us and nurture us. Don’t punish yourself. That doesn’t fix anything.” She left the couch and moved back into the hallway. She was still pissed off at me. If she weren’t, she would have invited me into the bedroom. She closed the bedroom door but I knew she wished she could slam it.
***
Ryan stopped by the shop. “Want to get lunch?”
“My schedule is pretty busy today.” I didn’t get up from my desk and greet him.
He sat in the chair facing my desk. “How about I pick up some sandwiches and bring them back here?”
“I’m okay.” I just wanted to be alone. I’d known Ryan long enough to know when he was up to something. Silke obviously spoke to him, and now he was intervening on her behalf.
“Arsen, I’m always here to talk.”
“I know. You made that clear.”
He didn’t move from the chair. “Silke says you’ve been drinking a lot…staying out late.”
“I’m not breaking any rules.”
“And you’re distant and detached…”
“I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
He drummed his fingers on the armrest. “When something happens to one of us, it happens to all of us. Talk to her about it. You don’t have to shut the world away while you work through it.”
“I’m fine.” My voice came out as a whisper.
“You don’t look fine.”
I slammed my fists on the desk. “Just give me some space, okay? Both of you are hounding at me like dogs. I can’t get over this in a day and you need to be more patient.”
“We don’t expect you to be over it,” he said calmly. “But we expect you to grieve in an appropriate way. What happened to opening up to Silke? She said you haven’t said a word to her.”