Mara's Choice

by Anna Jacobs

  ‘Thanks but there’s an email address. It’ll be easier for me to contact him that way. Save me a week or more of angst about what his reply may be. Only, well, I feel I need a little longer to think through the implications of making contact.’ She couldn’t help glancing up above their heads again as she said that.

  ‘Then take as much time as you need, but be certain you do what you want. It’s your decision, not your mother’s.’

  ‘But it’ll upset her big time if I get in touch with him. And you’ll bear the brunt of that.’

  He shrugged. ‘Her choice to hold a grudge all these years. My choice to stay with her … or not. And your choice what you do about your birth father.’

  She went across to hug him. ‘You will still be my father, whatever happens with this man.’

  He gave her an even longer hug in return. ‘Good. I feel like your father. But there’s no law that says you can’t have two fathers, is there?’

  ‘Oh, Dad, you’re so generous. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met.’

  He shrugged, but she could see that her compliment had pleased him. When he glanced upstairs again and frowned, she wondered if the way her mother had grown worse in the past couple of years meant she was going to need serious medical help again.

  Mara had felt for a while as if a thunderstorm was gathering over their lives. There was nothing definite, just a growing discomfort within their small family. She hadn’t realised how bad it was getting till she came back to live at home. Maybe she shouldn’t contact this Aaron, should be content with the people who’d raised her?

  Would that make her mother feel better? No. She shook her head grimly and the decision was made. She’d always longed to know what her real father was like. Always. She needed to do this.

  Mara tried writing an email to say she was interested in taking things further, but it was harder than she’d expected to deal with a complete stranger about such an intimate subject, blood relative or not. She read and reread Aaron’s letter, then read her own reply even more times, deleting her first effort.

  Did she have the right to set her mother and Phil at odds with one another when she couldn’t afford to go and meet this man anyway? Why, she didn’t even have a flat of her own in which to talk to him if he came to England, really talk and start getting to know him, not make polite and meaningless conversation as you usually did with strangers.

  When her mother and Phil had another loud quarrel the following day, the cruel things her mother said carried round the small house and showed that she not only wasn’t going to change her mind about her former partner; she was making threats about what she would do if Mara dared go and see him.

  Only, why shouldn’t she get to know her biological father? Why should Kath’s desires always take precedence over other people’s feelings?

  Chapter Two

  When Peggy Buchanan went back to the flat in Perth, she found that Mike had come home early. She was about to fling herself into his arms when something about the way he was standing with one hand behind his back made her stop and stare at him. ‘What’s wrong?’

  He held up a soggy package. ‘This. I found it in the rubbish before I went to work. The bin liner bag had split and there it was.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘How long have you been eating on the sly?’

  She shrugged. ‘Just now and then, when I get too hungry to bear it. If we were married—’

  He cut her off sharply. ‘I made it plain before you moved in that I don’t like fat women and also that I’m never getting married. You said you were OK with that.’

  She moved to put her arms round him but he sidestepped and gestured to the table. ‘Sit down, please. We need to talk about our whole relationship, Peggy. Let’s do this in a civilised way.’

  She took the chair he’d indicated, her heart thumping. She’d never heard that tone in his voice before, cold, as if he were speaking to a stranger. ‘Do what?’

  ‘Split up. You clearly can’t live by my rules and I shan’t be able to trust you again. That’s spoilt the relationship for me.’

  ‘No! Mike, no! I’ll never eat anything unhealthy again.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Peggy, but I simply won’t be able to trust you. I think it’s best to end our relationship. I was coming to that conclusion anyway. You’ve been talking about friends getting married and buying houses. I don’t intend to do that, not ever. This flat suits me just fine. I know where this is leading. You’ll be asking me to father a child for you next and that’s something that utterly repulses me.’

  He began to tick things off on his fingers. ‘I do not want – children, a mortgage or marriage. Not ever. I’m perfectly happy with my life here.’

  ‘But what would be so different, apart from the child?’

  ‘Permanency. Staleness. Toys, chaos and noise.’ He shuddered.

  She wept, pleaded, but he was adamant. This was a side to him that she’d never seen before, though she’d heard people he worked with say he could be tough to deal with.

  In the end he stood up. ‘Enough. Get it through your head that I will never, ever change my mind.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘I’ll spend the night in a hotel. When I come back after work tomorrow, I want you and all your possessions gone. If you’re still here, I’ll evict you legally and have your things packed and sent to your parents’ house in Mandurah.’

  He walked towards the door and though she jumped to her feet, the look he gave her across the room was so chill, so implacable, that the plea died in her throat.

  He was gone before she could say another word.

  She wept for a while, then fumbled for her phone and called her brother, sobbing out her story.

  There was silence for a few moments then Rufus said, ‘I doubt he’ll change his mind.’

  ‘But Rufus, I love him so much.’

  ‘That’s not love. That’s – I don’t know, obsession. It takes two to make a marriage, Pegs. To be frank, Mike Cruikshank isn’t the sort of fellow I’d want you to marry. He’s been bossing you around ever since you got together. I hate to see that. And you’ve got thinner and thinner, eating as he dictates. You’re starting to look ill. Where’s your pride, anyway, letting someone boss you around and decide what sort of body shape you’ll have?’

  ‘I don’t have any pride. I love him.’

  ‘Well, I’m sure he meant exactly what he said, so he can’t love you. You’d better move out. No, don’t cry.’

  ‘But where am I going to go?’

  ‘To Mum and Dad’s. They’ll take you in, just as they took me in when I was transferred to Perth for three months.’

  She could only sob.

  ‘Good thing I was working late tonight. I’ll phone Mum to let her know, then I’ll come round and help you pack. You’ll have to put some of your furniture into storage till you decide what to do.’

  ‘A lot of my stuff is already in storage because Mike doesn’t like clutter. I’d been thinking we could find a proper house to live in then I’d get it out of storage again.’ She dabbed away another tear.

  ‘Well, leave it there for the time being. Mum and Dad won’t want all of it dumped on them. They’ve got their house just as they like it.’

  ‘I suppose.’

  ‘Chin up. You’ll get through this. You won’t be on your own.’

  No, she’d known her family would help her. But that didn’t make this whole thing hurt any less.

  Sobbing intermittently, she began to gather her clothes and personal possessions, going through the flat methodically, for all her unhappiness. Mike had called her a pack rat when they first started living together. She was in one sense: she knew exactly what she owned.

  When the doorbell went, she checked who it was then flung it open. Rufus came in and gave her a big hug. ‘I’ve ordered some boxes delivered. They’re sending them express.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘Come on. Let’s get to work.’

  ‘Did you phone Mum?’

/>   ‘Yes. She says of course you can go there. They’re going out tonight but I have my key. You’re to take your old bedroom.’

  ‘Do you think they’d let me use the guest suite? I might want to – you know, be alone.’

  ‘No. Mum said specifically that you can’t use that as they’re expecting a special new friend to visit soon.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘She wouldn’t say.’

  He helped his sister pack, chivvied her along and told her to follow him down the freeway to Mandurah. ‘And for heaven’s sake, drive carefully.’

  ‘OK. OK. I’m not suicidal.’

  He gave her another hug. ‘Chin up! You don’t want people laughing at you.’

  ‘I don’t know what I want now.’

  Chapter Three

  Two days later, a lively interview for a job in Gloucester raised Mara’s hopes briefly, and cut them abruptly off forty-eight hours after that as she was told she hadn’t got the job, but they’d like to keep her on their reserve list, if that was all right.

  As if anything would come of that!

  Phil cornered her while Kath was out at the hairdresser’s. ‘Have you heard about the job?’

  She nodded. ‘I didn’t get it.’

  ‘It’s been over a week now since you heard from your birth father, love. Don’t let your mother stop you contacting him.’

  ‘She’ll go mad – and take it out on you.’

  ‘I’m used to it.’ He stared into the distance for a few seconds then went on, ‘I can’t abandon her, because I promised our marriage would be for better or worse and I always try to keep my promises. Besides, she’d never cope with the practicalities of life on her own now. She’s getting worse.’

  ‘Frankly I don’t know how you can live with her rigid rules for what to do or not do.’

  ‘Golf.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I play golf a lot more often. Or I tell her I’m off to play golf. Being retired has its advantages. I find it very soothing to be out in the open air with cheerful people, or even just to sit in the club room chatting to my friends or making new ones. The game and my golfing buddies are my lifeline. It’s still your choice what you do, but I wanted to sum up the situation: your decision not to meet this Aaron guy has left three people unhappy and the fourth is never really happy, only determined to get her own way. Think about those statistics: three to one. And then do what you really want.’

  He was right but her mother hadn’t always been this bad and that was holding her back. Mara had some good memories of their relationship from her childhood as well as bad ones.

  The day after Phil’s frank talk, he went out early to play golf. Mara abandoned the idea of a late breakfast because she knew her mother was waiting to pounce on her in the kitchen. Kath was well aware that something was going on and wouldn’t rest till she found out what it was.

  It might be cowardly but Mara crept downstairs, grabbed her jacket from the hallstand and called, ‘Just going out for a walk.’ She slipped out of the front door before her mother could protest or try to come after her. There was a large park nearby and she’d started going there on fine days for the same reason Phil played golf so often: to find some peace and quiet.

  She was still smiling when she got there but the smile gradually faded when she saw a man of about her stepfather’s age watching her. She’d noticed him twice before and there he was again today, strolling along behind her, stopping when she did. Was she being stalked now? She wasn’t putting up with that.

  Feeling safe in an open area with several other people walking nearby, she strode across to confront him. ‘Don’t tell me you’re not watching me because I’ve spotted you hovering nearby twice before. What do you do with yourself on rainy days? Stalk the family cat round the house?’

  To her surprise he looked at her with a rueful smile. ‘I must be losing my touch. But it’s such a pretty park you can’t help relaxing here.’

  ‘Well, find somewhere else to relax because I have enough problems on my plate without you hassling me.’

  When she started to turn away, he said quickly, ‘Wait! Please, Ms Gregory!’

  She paused, surprised by him knowing her name.

  ‘Have you got a minute? I’m not stalking you in the way you think, I promise. I’ve been hired to find you and give you a message. Today I’ve been waiting till you got somewhere quieter in the park to do it.’

  ‘Well, that’s a new excuse for pestering a stranger!’

  His smile crinkled his eyes at the corners and made his whole face light up. He didn’t look at all threatening now, so she waited, curious to see what he’d say next.

  He spread his hands in a helpless gesture. ‘It does sound a bit corny, doesn’t it. And it’s going to sound even cornier when I tell you that I’m a private investigator sent by your father to ask you something important.’

  ‘I talk to Phil every day and if he needs anything he asks me straight out.’

  ‘I meant your birth father. Here’s my ID.’ He pulled out a laminated card with his photo on and held it out to her.

  She gasped and looked at the card, then studied him carefully. Actually, he was quite pleasant looking, with the sort of face you’d buy a used car from. ‘What’s this alleged birth father’s name?’

  ‘Aaron Buchanan and he lives in Australia or he’d be speaking to you himself. You two haven’t met yet, but he’s hoping you will.’

  It was so unexpected she turned all wobbly at that and had to sit down on a nearby bench.

  He came to stand nearby. ‘Mind if I join you?’

  She waved one hand permissively and he sat down at the other end of the bench.

  ‘My name’s George, by the way, George Walters. But you probably saw that on my ID. These are my personal contact details, which I don’t give to everyone.’ He fumbled in his pocket and took out a business card, offering it to her.

  She glanced at it only briefly before shoving it into the side pocket of her shoulder bag. When she felt she could control her voice, she asked, ‘What’s the message?’

  ‘First, Aaron wanted to be sure his recent letter got through to you.’

  ‘Yes, it did.’

  ‘You didn’t reply. He’d really like to meet you.’

  ‘I’d like to meet him too, but I’m out of work and I haven’t the money to go gallivanting off to Australia.’

  ‘Would you agree to meet him if he paid your fare?’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Yes. He was a bit worried because he’s written three times now and you haven’t replied.’

  ‘My mother has been intercepting the letters. I caught her red-handed a week ago, so his third letter did get through to me. It’s a lot to take in. She’d destroyed the others so I don’t know what was in them.’

  ‘Ah. I see. Do you know much about him?’

  ‘Nothing whatsoever. It came as a big shock that he was even alive because all my life I’d been told he was dead.’

  It was George’s turn to look shocked.

  ‘I’ve never even seen a photo of him,’ she added wistfully.

  ‘That’s easy to remedy.’ He got out his mobile phone, fiddled around with it and held it out to her.

  The man on it looked like an older, masculine version of herself. There was no mistaking that determined chin or the way his dark hair grew. And his eyes were very similar to the ones that looked back at her from the mirror every morning.

  ‘You’re so like him physically, Mara, that I have no doubt you’re his daughter. But he’ll take a DNA test should you wish. If you’ll give me your email address I’ll send this photo to you now. And may I take one of you to send to him? He’s desperate to see you now that he’s found out about your existence. I’d have taken a photo before but he said it seemed unfair to do that without asking you.’

  ‘He’s being very scrupulous about all this.’

  ‘He’s a decent, honest chap. I’ve known him for years.’

  And su
ddenly her decision was made, because, as Phil had said so sadly, the numbers were three to one in favour of her doing it.

  She couldn’t raise a smile but looked steadily towards the mobile phone until George had clicked it a couple of times and lowered it.

  ‘Um, what happens next?’

  ‘You really do want to go and see him?’

  ‘Yes. Give me another day to tell my mother. It – won’t be easy.’ She’d have to get Phil’s advice on how best to do that.

  ‘All right. He’ll pay your return fare to Australia and help you through the formalities. I’m assuming you have a passport?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘Good. Oh, in case you’re worried about the cost, he’s not short of money. He’s been very successful in business.’

  ‘I can’t believe it.’

  George gave her another charming smile. ‘He’ll be over the moon. I’ll see how he wants to arrange it all. I’m assuming you don’t want me to come to the house, given your mother’s attitude, so maybe we could meet here again tomorrow? If it’s raining there’s a café at the other end of the park.’

  ‘I know the place.’

  ‘I should have had an answer from Aaron by then. He doesn’t hang about when he wants something. Ten o’clock suit you?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Words still seemed to be in short supply in her brain.

  ‘If anything happens to prevent our meeting or to prevent you going, could you please let me know, Mara? It’d be beyond cruel to raise Aaron’s hopes then dash them.’

  ‘I won’t do that. My mother will try to prevent me. She’s desperate to stop me meeting him, but now that I’ve decided, I won’t go back on my word.’

  ‘Is there any way she might be able to prevent you coming to Australia?’

  A huff of cynical amusement escaped her. ‘No. And as I lost my job recently, I’m free to do what I want.’

  She glanced down at her watch. ‘I’d better get back now. If I’m away too long she’ll make an even worse fuss. I’d rather she didn’t suspect anything yet, so definitely don’t come to the house. I’ll tell her later, when Phil’s back from golf.’