There She Goes

by M. B. Feeney

  She looked at her daughter’s face, seeing the colour drain from her face. It had never occurred to Melissa that Sophie might be suffering as much as she and the rest of the kids. She assumed that her eldest was living the life she couldn’t have here in London and didn’t want to be found.

  “It didn’t feel that way, and the longer I left it, the harder it became to get in contact, to even consider picking up the phone. I started having a life, even though you weren’t all part of it, it was mine and on my terms.”

  “What made you change your mind?”

  They walked back into the front room where Freddie was still sitting on the sofa, scrolling through social media on his phone.

  “Well… Freddie helped, but someone from my past showed up where I was living, and it made me realise I’d never be really happy until I’d come back and explained.”

  “So, explain.”

  Freddie watched the two women as Sophie talked. There was a lack of emotion to her voice which made him think she’d been practicing what to say, but he could see how she felt in her eyes. He could see the hurt she’d endured at school, the stress from hiding it from her mum and family, and the relief when Joan let her stay in Brighton.

  Her mum on the other hand couldn’t hide how she was feeling. Every word hurt her more than the last, especially when Sophie described what happened at school. Physical pain at hearing how her daughter didn’t want to bother her with the problems she was facing, causing Melissa to wrap her arms around herself.

  When Sophie finally finished speaking, she sat on the sofa, looking down at her hands. She was hiding herself from her mother’s reaction.

  “Sophie. Look at me.” Melissa got out of the chair and walked over to kneel in front of the girl. When Sophie looked up, her mum wrapped her arms around her and the pair of them sobbed. To give them privacy, Freddie stood up and went into the kitchen.

  He could hear the murmuring of two voices as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled the number of The Albatross Inn.

  “Good afternoon. The Albatross Inn, how may I help you?”

  “Joan, it’s me. Freddie.”

  “Oh, thank God! How’s everything going over there? I’ve been on edge ever since you left.”

  “Well, they’re talking. I can’t really judge how things will turn out though; I’m not much use.”

  “You just being there is a huge support to Sophie. Don’t sell yourself short Freddie.”

  “I’ll let you know more later. I thought you deserved to know what was going on.”

  He ended the call and went back into the front room. Sophie and her mum were sat on the sofa side by side talking quietly.

  “Mum, I didn’t get to introduce you to Freddie. He’s been a good friend to me for the last six months.”

  “Nice to meet you.” Freddie held his hand out, but Melissa didn’t take it. She merely looked him up and down, suspicion clear in her eyes.

  “This who you’ve been staying with? How did you meet?”

  “No, I wasn’t staying with Freddie, we’re just friends mum. I’ve learned my lesson.”

  All three of them knew what she meant by that, but none of them said anything.

  “Where were you staying? Where even were you?”

  “I can’t tell you that, but I was safe and well looked after.”

  Freddie saw a muscle in Melissa’s jaw tense at Sophie’s words, but she didn’t push for more details.

  “Are you planning on staying?” The older woman asked, her voice shaking slightly. It was clear she was worried this visit was a one off.

  “Honestly, mum. I don’t know. I’ve changed since I’ve been away, not necessarily for the better, but I am different. It just wasn’t fair leaving you in the dark about where I was or why I left.”

  “I know why, even before you came back. I found out about two weeks after you left.”

  “How?” Sophie was shocked and confused.

  “Katie told me.”

  At the mention of her old friend’s name, Sophie’s breath hitched. It was a minute thing, but Freddie caught it. Her mum didn’t and carried on speaking.

  “I know you two fell out when the kids at school were… well, you know. After you left and the police were trying to find out where you could have gone. They spoke to her a few times, but she didn’t know anything, and came to see me. She told me everything Soph, even how the kids at school found out.”

  “What? She knew all that time, and never told me?”

  “No, she found out after you left. One of the girls in your year had done her work experience at the clinic and saw your name. She followed it up and found out about the… your time in the clinic.”

  “It’s okay mum. Freddie knows everything. It’s because of telling him that I realised I needed to come back.” Sophie kept quiet about seeing Stuart at the bed and breakfast for fear of slipping up and telling her mum about Joan. She didn’t want to get the older woman in trouble, despite wanting to be honest with her mum. “How… how is Katie?” She couldn’t help but ask, needed to know. “I only saw her that once, so I don’t really know. Maybe you could go and see her, talk to her. I know she’s sorry for acting the way she did.”

  “Yeah, maybe.”

  Freddie could see the indecision on Sophie’s face. When she’d decided to come home to see her family, she’d never mentioned staying. The way he’d taken what she’d said was that she would come back to London, spend time with her mum, her brother, and sisters; she would take the chance to explain, make them understand why she left the way she did, and then go back to Brighton. He’d hoped she’d go back with him, but now she was her with her mum, would she want to stay?

  “I’m sure she’d be over the moon to know you’re okay.” Melissa was looking at her daughter in earnest. Freddie couldn’t blame her, it was the first time she’d seen her daughter in six months, and the pair of them hadn’t even hugged or anything.

  “Where’s Jake and the twins?” Sophie asked, suddenly looking around the front room.

  “Jake’s at school, and the twins are at pre-school. It’s their last day before they break up for the Christmas holidays. The girls go twice a week, started a couple of months ago. In fact, I have to leave to pick them up in a few minutes.” She paused as she stood up. “Will you be here when I get back?”

  “I’ll be here, I promise.”

  Watching Sophie watching her mum was a little surreal. Back in Brighton, Sophie was like an open book, and so friendly with everyone she met and spoke to. Seeing her in the tiny front room of a small council flat, she was closed off and hesitant.

  “I’ll be no more than twenty minutes.”

  Sophie walked into her bedroom and felt like she’d stepped back in time. Nothing had changed at all. Her posters were still on the wall, the duvet set was the same, and her school books were piled neatly on her desk. She stood in the middle of the room and could imagine herself sat on her bed, texting Katie about boys and homework without a care in the world.

  It brought tears to her eyes, but this time she didn’t fight them, didn’t have the energy.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Freddie asked, pulling her into a tight hug.

  “I don’t know. It’s like… I thought… I don’t even know what I expected. It’s not as if I thought mum was going to welcome me home with open arms the way it happens in films, but I kinda expected more emotion from her or something.”

  Freddie led the two of them over to the bed where they sat down, Sophie still snuggled in his arms against his chest.

  “Is it wrong I feel hurt that she hasn’t been more welcoming, crying about how much they’ve all missed me and are so glad I’m home?”

  “Not at all. We all want to be wanted and missed, but you need to consider you adjusted to not being around them. They’ve had to do the same without knowing if you were safe or even alive.”

  Sophie didn’t respond, she simply sat on her bed and cried softly.

  Melissa walked along
the streets she walked every day, not paying attention to where she was going. It hadn’t fully sunk in that Sophie was back.

  Ever since she’d left, Melissa, Jake, and the twins had struggled to adapt to life without her, not knowing where she was or if she was okay. Then, when Katie had come over and explained why Sophie had left, Melissa’s heart had broken for her eldest.

  The police were getting nowhere. They’d been to the station, checked out the CCTV; Sophie was on the footage, but no one could remember seeing her or knew where she bought a ticket to. It was a dead end, and Melissa hated the not knowing despite Sophie leaving her and Jake a note.

  Although she said she would only be gone for a couple of days, Melissa had called the police in a panic the very moment Jake found the letter in his room when he got home from school.

  She felt like a failure of a mother, not realising things had got so bad for her own daughter that the only answer was to run away. She’d known the decision to have an abortion at fifteen wasn’t easy, but Sophie had assured her that she was fine. She’d mentioned to Melissa that some of the kids at school were being little dickheads, but Melissa had made the mistake of assuming it had all died down.

  She sat in the front room, looking at a copy of the photo of Sophie she’d given to the police, smoking another cigarette whilst Jake took the twins to the park for a little while. Her heart was breaking, and she didn’t know how to cope beyond putting on an act for Maisie and Elsie. She needed to be strong for them, keep things as normal as possible for them.

  Th knock on the door was so soft, she thought she’d imagined it at first, then it happened again. Struggling to motivate herself to get up, she shuffled along the hallway to see who it was. The last person she expected to see was Katie Thomas.

  “I’m sorry Miss Jennison, but I needed to come and see you. I needed to talk to you about Sophie. I know it’s not the best time, and I should have done this so long ago and hope it’s not too late.”

  “What are you talking about Katie?” Melissa ushered her inside, hope blossoming inside her.

  “I know why Sophie’s run away, and some of it’s my fault.”

  Katie had sobbed as she told Melissa about the kids at school finding out about the abortion, about the abuse Sophie received, and about how Katie had been too scared to stand up for the best friend she’d ever had because of the messages she’d been getting too. By the time she’d realised the huge mistake she’d made by not standing up for Sophie, she’d already left, and Katie was being questioned by the police.

  Melissa had wanted to scream at Katie for not helping, but also understood how hard peer pressure was to ignore. She’d hugged her daughter’s friend as if she were Sophie and the two of them cried for the mistakes they’d made, for not helping Sophie when she’d needed them.

  With Katie’s help, Melissa was able to log into Sophie’s Facebook and Twitter accounts and when she saw the vile and disgusting messages that had been sent, she’d cried even harder for Sophie. She’d printed them out and had marched to the school, insisting that they do something about the kids who had hurt Sophie to the point she’d needed to leave, to hide.

  Katie visited her at least once a week and the pair of them spent time together, getting to know each other and to talk about Sophie, and Melissa finally managed to get Stuart’s name out of her. It took almost three weeks for Katie to tell her who Sophie had slept with, and when she finally found out, she couldn’t hide her anger at her daughter being taken advantage of by someone in a position of trust at the youth centre.

  Because there was no proof that Stuart and Sophie had been in a relationship, Melissa couldn’t do more than mention it to the police in charge of Sophie’s missing person’s case. They promised to look into the ‘allegations’ – God, that word drove Melissa insane – but made no promises that it would help. It didn’t. The police spoke to Stuart, but as Sophie wasn’t around, it was his word against hers.

  Melissa knew Katie wasn’t lying and hated him.

  “Mummy, can we go to the park on the way home today?” Maisie asked her as soon as the girls were let out of the pre-school, jolting Melissa from her thoughts.

  “Not today babies. I have a surprise for you at home.” She just hoped Sophie was true to her word and was still there.

  The entire way home, the twins badgered her to tell them what the surprise was, but she refused to give in. When they arrived outside the front door to the flat, Melissa couldn’t help but hesitate and hope she wasn’t about to be made to look like a fool in front of her daughters. She unlocked the door and could hear Sophie’s voice, soft and low, coming from the front room, relief washed over her as she ushered the twins inside.

  The two of them went flying into the front room and stopped dead. Both of them and Sophie looked unsure how to react; eventually, Elsie realised who was sat on the sofa opposite them and as she screamed Sophie’s name, flung herself into her big sister’s arms. Maisie soon followed and the three of them stayed that way for a long time.

  Melissa couldn’t cope and went into the kitchen to try and calm herself down. Her emotions were in overdrive, all fighting for attention, and she didn’t know how to cope with the overload.

  As she opened the window and lit a cigarette, Freddie joined her.

  “Thank you.” Melissa said to him without looking at him.

  “What for?”

  “Bringing her home. I know she probably won’t stay, but she came back. From what she’s said, I have you thank for that, so I’m giving credit where it’s due.”

  “All I did was drive a car; Sophie made the decision all by herself.”

  “Be that as it may, I still appreciate you bringing her home.”

  “You’re more than welcome.”

  Sophie tucked the twins into bed, tears pricking at her eyes. She’d missed them so much, and even in six months, they’d changed so much. The pair of them had been all over her the entire afternoon, and insisted she be the one to sit in the bathroom with them while they had a bath, and then put them in bed – after reading a story naturally.

  By the time she’d finished with them, her mum had washed up and tidied the kitchen while Freddie and Jake sat in the front room, bonding over some video game Jake was playing.

  Ever since he’d got back from school, Jake hadn’t seemed to know what to say to her. He didn’t hug her the way the twins did and didn’t pepper her with questions. At almost thirteen, he’d perfected the ‘teenage grunt’ that boys seemed to learn by osmosis or something. He’d dumped his bag in his room, changed out of his uniform into sweats, and sat on the front room floor playing video games.

  “Are you back?” He asked as Sophie walked into the room and sat on the sofa, pulling her legs under herself. “I mean… for good?”

  Panicking, Sophie looked at Freddie for support. He merely shrugged his shoulders. She knew it was her decision, not his.

  “I don’t know Jake, I really don’t.”

  “Why wouldn’t you come back? Mum sorted all those dicks at the school out, so no one will bother you anymore. You can come back, and everything round here will get back to normal.”

  Not once while he was talking, did he look at her, but now he did. His brown eyes were wide, but there was a new hardness to them that hadn’t been there before she left.

  “Things might be different, but I’ll always remember the horrible things they said to me, and they’ll always be thinking them.”

  “Then go to a different school. Make a new start, but here, at home.”

  “Jake, leave your sister alone. She’s old enough to make her own decisions, and this is one she needs to make on her own.”

  Sophie looked over at her mum who stood in the doorway, a steaming cup of tea in her hands. Her face was closed off from showing any emotion as they locked eyes.

  Sophie was beginning to wonder whether she’d made a mistake coming home rather than sending the letter and following it up with a phone call.

  Sophie and Fre
ddie walked around the estate she’d grown up on. There wasn’t much to see, but she’d needed to get out of the house. After Jake had practically begged her to stay, and her mum had shot him down, Sophie felt uncomfortable.

  Her mum had made up the sofa for Freddie to sleep on while Sophie had gone into her old room. For almost the entire night, she lay in bed unable to sleep. Her mind was in overdrive as she considered all her options.

  If she stayed, it meant no longer being able to see Freddie, and leaving Joan to deal with the bed and breakfast all on her own – not that she couldn’t cope; Sophie had made sure everything was ready and the place would practically run itself, but she’d been looking forward to it.

  If she went back to Brighton, she wouldn’t see her family every day. Yeah, having taken the first step in returning home had opened the door for her rebuilding the relationships with her mum, Jake, and the twins, but she wouldn’t be with them all the time.

  She honestly didn’t know what to do. It was almost Christmas, Freddie should have been on his way to Glasgow with a couple of his friends to visit one of their families, but he was with her in London supporting her in the mess that was her life.

  “Are you okay?” He asked as she led him through the buildings towards the small playground she and Katie used to hang out in.

  “I honestly don’t know. It hasn’t exactly gone how I’d expected, but I guess it’s my fault. I’m the one who left, I’m the one who changed their lives, and I’m the one who came back and caused uproar again. Maybe I should have stayed away.”

  “No, don’t think that. Despite her reaction, your mum was so pleased to see you. She hid it well, but I could see it. The same with Jake. He’s thirteen, he’s not allowed to show emotion, believe me, I was that age once.” Freddie smiled at her, the two years age gap between them seemingly more than it was at that moment. “They’ve adapted to life without you and the not knowing where you were or if you were okay, and now they have to adapt to having you back.”