Old Wounds

by Ren Hamilton

  For the first time, the Schlarr’s expression seemed to really focus, looking more human as it fixed on Shep with a sad frown. “Perhaps you were not listening carefully, Zirub. Your brother Allisto is deluded. Mad. He is not the same brother you knew. And he hates you with a fire that burns too hot to ever cool.”

  “I don’t care,” Shep said. “He’s our problem. Let us deal with him. It can count as punishment because he hates the flesh. Please. Send him here.”

  The Schlarr’s expression went blank again, and stayed that way for nearly a minute, then its golden eyes focused on Shep again. “Your suggestion has been approved.”

  Clasping hands to its chest, the Schlarr faded completely, and was gone.

  Shep walked over to the wall, giving his back to them. He rested there with palms pressed against it, head of dark blond curls hanging down over his face.

  Juris approached Litner and Carbone. “Could you go upstairs and give us a moment alone, please?”

  “Is he...going to be all right?” Father Carbone asked.

  “I beg you,” Juris whispered to Litner. “He won’t want you to see him like this.”

  The desperate sincerity in Juris’s eyes was enough, so the two of them climbed back up the basement stairs and closed it behind them. As they moved to the kitchen table to sit, an anguished, heart wrenching wail sounded from below, followed by loud sobbing.

  Carbone took his seat. “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned.”

  “Apt quote.” Litner sighed as Shep’s wails echoed up through the floor. “I’m worried.”

  “About Shep?”

  “About everyone.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Shep’s in pain.” Litner’s gaze moved to the closed basement door. “And when that man is in pain, bad things tend to happen.”

  Carbone’s forehead creased with a frown. “That they do.” He nodded. “That they do.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  The end of the workday finally eased to a close, and Robin was busy shutting down her computer and locking her file cabinets. It hadn’t been nearly busy enough in the office, leaving her too much time to think about the shock of seeing Shep and Juris at Litner’s house. And wondering if Juris would call again...guiltily hoping he would. Yesterday had been the first time in her life she’d seen Shep and hadn’t ached with longing...two weeks spent in Vermont notwithstanding. Even after she’d started up with Patrick, even when she was trapped out at Forest Bluffs with him, that old, familiar place in her heart had throbbed with wanting Shep.

  That longing was all for his brother now, and while it should have been a small comfort, finally being severed from Shep, it scared her to death. Getting over Shep was something she’d tried to do for ages, but this wasn’t exactly the smartest solution.

  “Hey gorgeous, I heard you went out with the crew the other night.” She looked up at Tommy Baldwin, who leaned into her cubicle with a devilish grin. He was the kind of guy that walked the perfectly fine line between jokester and sexual harasser, constantly inquiring about her love life, or lack thereof.

  “Yeah, we had a few drinks at that new martini bar, it was fun.” She stood, grabbing her purse, hoping he’d get the hint that she was on her way out.

  “So did ya get lucky?” he asked, eyebrows twitching.

  “None of your business, Tommy.” She pushed past him.

  “Next time invite me, maybe your luck will change!” he called after her.

  “I have quite enough men in my life at the moment,” she muttered under breath. She shook her head, checking her cell messages as she walked toward the parking lot. One from Patrick...hmm. And a text message from Juris? “Wow, Juris, how modern of you.”

  When she got in her car, she reclined the seat and read the text, frowning.

  ‘Something has happened. I cannot risk hurting my brother at this time. Therefore I will not see you again. You are always in my thoughts. Goodbye.’

  She let out a breath, surprised by the sinking feeling in her chest. Wasn’t this what she wanted? She was planning to end it herself. Or try to end it. She’d even rehearsed a speech. She’d planned to tell him she had time to think about things more clearly, which she had. Shep had used the blood of her uncle, aunt, and cousin to get the brothers out of the void. Therefore, Juris was breathing air because someone in her family was dead. It was that realization that finally drove home the gravity of the situation, and the guilt of allowing this thing with Juris to happen. It was like some lingering shock had worn off, a shock that numbed her senses enough to do something so insanely stupid.

  But now she wouldn’t have to use that speech. She’d been dumped. By Juris.

  “Son of a bitch,” she said, looking out at the emptying parking lot. She felt a sting of betrayal that she knew she didn’t deserve. Something has happened. It was so vague. He might as well have said ‘something’s suddenly come up’. Heat stung her cheeks. Had he planned this? Had she allowed herself to be used? She thought of all the amorous things he’d said to her while they lay tangled in her sheets, the way she’d given in so easily, and humiliation burned. “Son of a bitch,” she said again.

  She checked Patrick’s message to distract herself from these feelings, but it was a simple ‘Call me back’, so she did. “Hey,” she said when he answered. “I got your message.”

  “Oh hey,” he said, his voice softening the way it always did when he spoke to her, and she felt another stab of regret. “Listen, do you have plans for dinner? I really need to talk to you about something.”

  “Um...” Starting back up with Patrick right now was the last thing she needed, though she craved his friendship more than ever, an aching need to see someone she knew she could trust.

  “You don’t have to get freaked out, I’m not going to read love poetry and beg you to give me another shot. There’s just something I need to get straight in my head, so I can move on.”

  Great. Now she was going to get dumped by someone she wasn’t even dating anymore. But she wanted to see him. “Okay, where and when?”

  “Black Monks Tavern, seven?”

  “Sounds good, I’ll meet you there.”

  She drove home and got ready for dinner. At least she wouldn’t have to sit home, thinking about Juris’s message. Thinking about Juris at all.

  Dumped by Juris. This was a new low.

  ****

  When she got to the tavern, she spotted Patrick’s head of short reddish-blond hair at the bar, nursing a draft beer. She was feeling vulnerable, and the sight of him there, all muscled and broody and solid, warmed her heart, and she greeted him with a clinging hug. He smiled at her, but his greeting felt cold somehow, his expression tight.

  “I got a table,” he said. “I think it’s ready, come on, over here.”

  She followed him to a table at the rear, a waitress setting down menus for them. After ordering a glass of wine and some appetizers, they were left alone.

  “So what’s up?” she said.

  His blue eyes met hers, looking far too serious to suit her mood. “This is really awkward, but it’s driving me insane. I have to know.”

  She shrugged. “You have to know...what?”

  “Why you broke up with me after you got back. After. You know.”

  She shook her head. “I thought we’d been through this already.”

  “Yes,” he said. “You told me you wanted to distance yourself from anything connected to Shep, and all the crap we went through last spring.”

  She winced. She had said that. What a little hypocrite she was. The waitress brought her wine, and Robin had never been so happy to see a glass of cabernet. She took a long sip, then looked at Patrick. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. And I’m sorry that I did. I still value our friendship, and I hope you do too.”

  Patrick leaned back in his chair, eyes cast to the side as he drummed his fingers on the table.

  She leaned closer to him. “Patrick, what is it?”

  He stared at her, al
most wincing. “Did you dump me for Juris?”

  Robin choked on that last sip of wine, feeling like the bottom had just dropped out from under her. Shock stole through her, and she stopped breathing for a moment. How the fuck...

  “How...” She shook her head. “Why would you ask me that? Why...I mean, what, Patrick?”

  “Wesley said something.”

  “Wesley? What would he know about it?”

  “So it’s true then?” he asked, that cold expression tightening his face again. “You’ve been...with Juris?”

  She looked back at him, feeling the blood drain from her face, stomach turning cold. “Yes.”

  He let out a breath, his head falling forward.

  “Whatever you’re going to say, I’ve already said it to myself.”

  He looked at her, his cheeks flushed suddenly. “But it’s Juris! How the hell did you let that happen?”

  Her lip trembled and tears pricked the backs of her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, placing a gentle hand on hers. “I’m not here to judge you. Frankly, I’m a little concerned about you.”

  She laughed, wiping her eyes. “Yeah. That makes two of us. Oh Patrick, I fucked up really bad.”

  He leaned back and took a sip of his beer. “We all fuck up. But can you tell me? How this...happened? It’s just so...”

  “I know,” she said. “I was under stress, I was being held captive, and he was nice to me. He’s the one that got Shep to let me go. It was this one night when Shep was out of town and we were talking and something just...happened.”

  Patrick’s eyes narrowed. “Do you feel like he took advantage of you?”

  She shook her head. “I take responsibility for my actions. Anyway, it’s not going to happen ever again, and no one can know Patrick, please.”

  “I’m not going to tell anyone. This is between us. But you’ve been with him again, haven’t you? Since he’s been in town?”

  Confusion and curiosity muscled down her humiliation for a moment, and she asked, “How did you know any of this?”

  “Wesley said he...sensed his essence. On you.”

  She took a gulp of wine, shaking her head. “Damn freaks, can’t get anything by them.”

  “Wesley’s not a freak. He’s a victim.”

  She scowled at him. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I like Wesley, I was trying to make a joke, lighten the mood a little.”

  The waitress came over and set their food down. They waited quietly until she’d left, then both stared at the plates, silent. “Do you hate me?” she asked.

  “No,” he said. “No! I don’t hate you, Robin. But how do you think this makes me feel? I mean, I got dumped for Juris. I could even handle it if it was Shep, you’ve got history with him, but Juris?”

  “Stop...saying his name,” she said. “Please. And incidentally, there’s something worse than getting dumped for Juris. Try getting dumped by Juris.”

  Patrick’s jaw dropped. “No fucking way.”

  She nodded. “I win the loser of the month award.”

  “I can’t believe I’m asking this, but did he say why?”

  She chuckled. “Can’t risk hurting Shep. Is my life irony, or what?”

  He shrugged his big shoulders. “But he already risked it.”

  “Well, apparently something has happened. That was the message. I think it was just a blow off excuse, but who knows with that crew.”

  Pulling out his phone, Patrick scowled. “I better call Litner.”

  “No.” She stopped his hand. “Can we please, please just have one night where those...people are not the focal point? I need to put this behind me, Patrick.”

  “Yeah, okay.” He put his phone back in his pocket, then studied her. “Are you upset about it? Did you, um, have feelings for him?”

  “No, it wasn’t like that, it was just a mistake. Worst mistake ever. Are you still not judging me? Because your face is doing that thing where your forehead gets all wrinkly, like when you’re mad.”

  He held his hands up. “Not judging. Just...confused.” He leaned over, searching her eyes. “I guess what I don’t understand is, if it was a mistake the first time it happened, why did you do it again?”

  Heat stung her cheeks. “Patrick, I can’t answer that in any way that won’t be embarrassing.”

  “After all we’ve been through? Robin, I was played in a con by people I thought were my best friends for ten goddamned years. I’ve been about as embarrassed as I can get.”

  She shrugged, wincing. “Well...it was a physical thing.”

  Patrick stared back at her but said nothing.

  “It was the best sex I ever had, okay?”

  “The best.” His frown deepened. “With Juris.”

  “I know, I know. Look, maybe it was because I knew how forbidden it was or whatever, but it was just totally pure, you know?”

  “No,” Patrick said. “I’m afraid I don’t.”

  She picked at a plate of sweet potato fries. Her cheeks burned. Patrick kept his eyes on her, so finally she looked up. “What? You’re staring at me.”

  He shook his head. “I’m still trying to work out what pure means, sorry.” She remained silent, and he sighed. “Robin, I know this is awkward, but I asked the question. If I don’t like the answer, that’s my tough shit. Please. At least be honest with me.”

  She wanted to wrap her arms around him, tell him it was all right, that she hadn’t forsaken him. It was a foolish thought, because of course, she had. “Honesty. Okay. Let me explain it this way. When I was with Shep, as great as it was, there was always that thing about him; he was always holding something back. Emotionally. He’d never commit to me. That made me defensive, and it made him too...controlled. Of course now I know he was holding back a whole lot of somethings I wish I’d never learned, but too little too late. But with...the other one, it was just...he was just...”

  “Pure?” Patrick raised his eyebrows.

  “He was himself. Unrestricted. No pretense, no boundaries. Like the total opposite of Shep. And you know how crazy I was about Shep.”

  “Wow,” Patrick said. He let out a chuckle, then shook his head. “Wow.”

  “What wow?”

  “No,” he shook his head. “It’s all right. It’s just that, talking about your best sex, you automatically compared it to Shep. My name didn’t even figure into that equation.”

  Robin winced. “I’m sorry. That came out so wrong. This is no reflection on you...us...things.”

  “Forget it,” he said.

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “We shouldn’t be talking about this.”

  He laughed. “I did ask.”

  “Yeah. You did.” She smiled. “It is really good to see you, Patrick. You always made me feel calm. Safe.”

  “Ooh, don’t say that.” He made a sour face. “I don’t want to be safe. I want to be pure. Unrestricted. No boundaries. All that stuff. I’m tired of being safe guy.”

  She laughed and it felt good, releasing some of her stress. “I’m sure you’re going to meet someone that feels that way about you.”

  He looked down, and she realized she’d hurt his feelings again. She just kept hurting him, it seemed. But he’d asked for honesty. And she’d been too taken aback to come up with a lie.

  “You know,” she said, “you shouldn’t see it as a negative. There’s something to be said for safe.” She smiled at him, desperate to temper the awkwardness.

  Patrick nodded. “Yes, I know. There is something to be said for safe. Kelinda said it to me when she dumped me for Joey. You said it to me when you dumped me for Juris. I hear what’s being said about safe. All my girlfriends are leaving me for monsters.”

  “You didn’t have to put it like that. I don’t feel good about this.”

  “I’m sorry, that sounded like a cheap shot. Does this feel good to me? No. But when I said I wasn’t judging you, I meant it honestly.”

  She searched his eyes. “Please don’t lie to me. I’ve had e
nough of that to last a lifetime.”

  “I swear.” He took her hand. “Look, the last several months have taken their toll on all of us. I had to sit with the whole houseful of them the other night for some ritual that you don’t want to hear about, trust me. I will openly admit that I’m not too steady myself these days, and it’s easy to get confused about who the good guys and the bad guys are. Especially when the bad guys include people that we’ve both loved at one time. I know, Robin. I know how confusing this has been.”

  Tears pricked Robin’s eyes. “Why are you so amazing?”

  He squeezed her hand, smiling. “Why are you?”

  She held his gaze for a long moment and had the overwhelming urge to be in his arms. Solid Patrick, a man who’d never hurt her, a man who had no secrets. The look had lingered too long, and she drew her hand back. They both looked away, pretending to be interested in their food.

  “You don’t think Wesley will say anything, do you?” she asked.

  “No, Wesley’s discreet.”

  “Well, he said something to you. He could have kept his divine little mouth shut.”

  “Hey, Wesley’s all right,” he said, jabbing his fork into a potato skin.

  “Is he still in town?”

  He nodded. “Litner wants him to stay close until he’s sure this current threat is over. But Wesley’s getting itchy, he wants to leave soon. He’s scared of Joey.”

  “Joey? Why?”

  Patrick took a bite, then looked up. “Joey wigged out on Wesley the other night at Monty’s. I thought they were gonna start throwing punches. It was so weird.”

  “Joey’s a douche,” she said. “I’m so done with him.” She looked up quickly. “Wait, what? He was trying to fight Wesley? The guy’s a cream puff, what’s Joey’s beef?”

  Patrick grinned widely. “He’s jealous.”

  “Because...Wesley was Shep’s first chosen one. Oh, that’s good. The golden boy has a weakness after all.”

  “It was strangely satisfying to see, I must admit.”

  “What did Wesley do? Was he upset?”

  Patrick laughed. “Wesley was badass.”

  “I’m sorry.” Robin cackled. “The words ‘Wesley’ and ‘badass’ don’t go together.”