Old Wounds

by Ren Hamilton

  She wiped the tears that had welled in her eyes. “I love him so much. Despite everything.”

  “I know,” he said, taking her hand again. “I’ll tell him.”

  She laughed as she wiped her nose, picking up her wine. “Doubt he’ll care, but thanks.”

  A waiter came over, and Shep ordered a vegetarian pasta dish, though the thought of eating made him feel sick. Robin ordered a shrimp salad. “Aren’t you getting a beer?” she asked.

  He shook his head. “I need all my senses sharp tonight.”

  She smirked. “Shep with no beer? I thought we were supposed to be acting normal.”

  He smiled. “I’ve really missed you.”

  Her fair cheeks flushed. “He can’t hear us. Don’t have to take the act too far.”

  “I’m not acting,” he said. “I’ve missed you like crazy.”

  “Do you want to talk about Allisto? About what’s happening?”

  He shook his head. “It’s said and done. Best not to.”

  She looked out at the street, and Shep grasped her hand and squeezed. “Don’t...look nervous.”

  She turned back to him. “Sorry,” she whispered. “I don’t want to fuck this up.”

  “Look upset, look happy, look any way, but keep your eyes on me. He can’t suspect anything strange is going on.”

  She leaned across the table and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, then fell back into her seat. “There. Fixed it.”

  He laughed. “If only everything was that easy a fix.”

  The waiter brought them rolls and butter, gave Robin an appreciative smile, then left.

  “Can’t take you anywhere, as usual,” Shep said. “Every man that sees you wants to possess you.” Her grin slid away, and he realized what he’d said. It sounded like spite, but in truth, Juris hadn’t even been on his mind. Until now, of course.

  “I didn’t do it to get at you,” she said. “You know that, right?”

  “I wasn’t referring to that.” He sighed and wished desperately he could have a beer. Reaching across the table, he picked up her wine and took a sip. “But I must admit, I allowed myself a fleeting moment of flattery that it was my brother and not someone else.” She looked down at her hands, saying nothing. “I was terrible to you, and I’m sorry, Robin. I’m not making excuses, but I truly wasn’t myself.”

  “I know. Juris told me.”

  “He did?” Shep had a moment of true jealousy, hot and scathing. He’d been bothered by the knowledge of what happened with Juris, of course, but had never really allowed himself to consider that they’d actually talked, and not just fucked. That they’d shared something more than physical. He’d grown so used to Robin always being his, no matter what. For the first time, he felt a disconnect, the final truth that they were no longer bonded in that seemingly unbreakable way.

  “I forgive you, Shep. Do you forgive me?”

  “There’s nothing to forgive,” he said. Then, unable to help himself, “He spoke about me? To you?”

  She seemed to recognize the angry gleam in his eyes, and crossed her arms, a defensive posture. “I don’t want to fight with you.”

  “No fighting. Although that wouldn’t seem odd to Allisto, either. We did have a turbulent relationship at the best of times.” He grinned, and it seemed to disarm her. She smiled at him, and he caught a faint glimmer of the love he used to see in her eyes.

  “This is so weird, sitting here with you,” she said. “It almost feels too normal.”

  He handed back her wine. “Yet it is anything but.”

  She glanced over through the glass window, to the restaurant inside. “I wonder if we’ll have to wait long for our food.”

  “Hungry?”

  “Not in the least,” she said. “I just don’t know what to talk about.”

  “I know how you feel. I was scared shitless just to see you.”

  She looked up in surprise. “You? Scared of me? That’s something new.”

  “I said I was sorry,” he said. “For scaring you in Vermont. I don’t know what else to say.”

  She grasped his hand, sending a rush of feeling through him. “And I said I forgive you. Shep, I’ve lost people too. I know how...I know how it feels. Like the whole world has tipped, and you’re falling.”

  He looked down, struggling to hold back tears, thinking about what he had to do later. “Not a good comparison. You lost people because of me. Let’s change the subject.”

  She shrugged. “Sure, sure. Except every single thing we have in common is an off-limits topic. The past. The people. Patrick. Allisto. Joey.”

  “Juris,” Shep said.

  She looked in his eyes. “You want to talk about Juris?”

  “I didn’t think I did.” He looked for the waiter. “Fuck it, I need a beer. One beer won’t kill me. And if my brother kills me later, I’ll wish I’d have had that beer.” He signaled and the waiter raised a finger at him from another table, one minute.

  “Yeah, get a beer,” she said. “You always could handle your drink.”

  He smiled. “I have a fast metabolism. Runs in the family.”

  The waiter came over and Shep ordered a draft. When he’d left, he looked back at Robin, who studied him quizzically. She looked away and rubbed her arms. “It’s been freakishly warm in Boston, but I forgot how cold it gets at night. I should have brought a sweater.”

  He stood and discreetly took his gun out of his jacket pocket, slipping it into his pants, then walked around the table and wrapped the jacket it over Robin’s shoulders. He smiled down at her, then returned to his seat.

  “Thanks,” she said. Raising her hands, she breathed out, “Okay, here goes. I feel like an ass, Shep. I feel really stupid about what I did with Juris, letting him use me like that. I can’t imagine what you must think of me.” She took a gulp of wine. “There. Needed to get that out.”

  He stared at her, every selfish fiber of his being wanting to leave it at that, to let it rest. She’d get over it. Let her think what she wanted. But his ever-present loyalty to all his brothers took power over his love for this woman, and he felt the need to defend Juris’s honor, despite his reluctant betrayal. “He didn’t use you,” he said, then looked away. “He’s in love with you.” When she didn’t respond, he looked back at her.

  Her mouth hung open, cheeks blushed pink. “No, he’s not.”

  Shep nodded. “He most definitely is.”

  She shifted her eyes away, taking a swill of her wine. “How can you possibly think that?”

  “Kind of known him for an eternity, Robin. Not that he’s doing a very good job of hiding it.”

  The waiter brought Shep’s beer along with their meals and set them down, and Robin looked greatly relieved. He asked if they needed anything else, and Shep thought, Yes, a gun so I can shoot myself in the head, thanks. Oh wait, already have one.

  When the waiter left, he thought they’d move on to safer topics, but Robin looked at him, her eyes raw. “What do you mean by he’s not hiding it well? Did Juris...say anything about me?”

  The disconnect he’d felt earlier widened like the Grand Canyon when he saw what was in her eyes. She still looked at him with some semblance of love, but a rush of scalding passion blew through her aura when she asked about Juris, and he almost lost his breath.

  “Son of a bitch,” he said, dropping his fork. “You’re in love with him.” He brought his fingers to his temples, looking down into the plate of pasta he didn’t want. “Holy shit.”

  “Shep...”

  He shook his head. “I just assumed...I don’t know what I assumed. But not this.”

  “I’m not,” she said. “Don’t be stupid, I barely know him!”

  He met her eyes, twisting his napkin in his hands. “You remember that night at Forest Bluffs, when I realized there was something going on with you and Obrien?”

  She let out a whistle. “Oh, hell yes. Scariest moment of my life.”

  “Exactly,” he said. “At that moment, all I se
nsed from you was fear. But when you talk about...my brother...” He blinked at her, unable to speak.

  “What?” She shook her head. “Shep, Juris was a mistake. I’ve come to terms with that.”

  “You still want him,” Shep whispered. “Desperately. The aura doesn’t lie.”

  Her silence affirmed his thought.

  They looked at each other over the glimmering candle on the table, and moments passed. “It won’t look good if we sit here not talking,” he said. “Say something.”

  She moved the food around on her plate. “When Litner told me I had to meet you for dinner, I dreaded it. But gullible me, I didn’t think we’d end up talking about this.”

  Shep shook his head. “How is Juris a better choice than me? I don’t mean that as a jealousy thing, I’m genuinely confused. You were so indignant when you found out about my plans. You claim that’s what changed your feelings toward me. You risked so much to try and stop me. Have you changed your mind now?”

  “No!” She scowled at him. “I’d do anything to have you give that up. You can’t sterilize people, Shep. I’m not some pro-lifer, but there are people that are meant to be born, and you want to interfere with that. I can’t come to terms with it. Why should your idea of what the world should be take precedence over others? It’s selfish and it’s wrong, so wrong.”

  “That’s what I thought you’d say. But Robin, Juris has the same plan I do. And he will be involved in executing it. You realize that, don’t you?”

  “Maybe he feels differently now.”

  Shep felt like a cannon ball had just slammed into his gut. “Did he...did he say that to you? That he feels differently about it now?”

  She put down her fork and tilted her head back, looking up at the stars. “We’ve been here a half hour and this is already a disaster.” She looked at him. “You have to do something very trying tonight. I don’t want to upset you.”

  “What did Juris say to you, Robin?”

  She pushed her plate away and picked up her wine. “That he loves you beyond reason and will do anything you ask.”

  “What did he say about the plan? He fucking talked to you about the plan?” His voice raised and she flinched.

  “No,” she said, and he read the lie in her aura. “He didn’t.”

  He grabbed her hand and tried to make it gentle. “I need to know. Please.”

  She pulled her hand back. “This is getting out of hand,” she said. “Juris didn’t say anything against you, Shep. He only mentioned that his views of things have changed, the longer he’s been...in the flesh.”

  Shep couldn’t find his voice, so he simply stared at her.

  “But he was just talking shit,” she said, waving a hand dismissively. “Telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. And he’s not in love with me. He dumped me. He chose you, okay?”

  “If Juris is unhappy, I need to know. I care for you Robin, I always will. But I care for him more.”

  “He’s not unhappy.” Robin grabbed his hands and held them tight. “He’s conflicted.”

  “About what?”

  She let go of him and threw her arms up. “Okay fuck it. I don’t owe him anything. Juris said that the longer he spends away from the light or whatever, the more he loves this world. And he knows you hate it. So it causes him grief.”

  Shep fell back in his chair. “He loves this world.” He shook his head. “Why didn’t he just tell me that? I would have understood. There are things I love about it too.”

  “Then why are you trying to destroy it?” She took a sip of wine, the alcohol seeming to make her bolder.

  “I’m not,” he said. “If anything, I’m probably going to improve it. I thought Juris understood that. I thought they all understood that. I had no idea...are they just blindly following me out of loyalty?” he said softly to himself. “Have I been making them act against themselves all this time?”

  “Shep.” She leaned toward him. “Your brothers, at least judging by the one I know, don’t just love you. They worship you.”

  “Do they? The entire reason we’re here tonight is because one of them wants me dead.”

  “That’s different and you know it. The way Juris talks about you, I’d give anything to have someone love me, admire me like that. When I watched his face the night he talked about you...my guilt about betraying you was overshadowed. Because his guilt was so much worse. I’ve loved you all my life. But he’s loved you for eternity. I can’t compete with that. And I would never be stupid enough to try to.”

  Shep took a hearty swill of his beer, then set it hard upon the table. “And my love for them has caused me, and is still causing me pain that I can’t endure.” His control left him and his head bowed as the tears came.

  “Oh my God,” Robin said. “Shep, I didn’t mean to upset you this badly.”

  “It’s not you. Robin,” he said, his voice hitching. “I might have to kill Allisto tonight. I can’t. I can’t.”

  He heard the screech of metal as she dragged her chair closer, then her arms were around his shoulders. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I am so, so sorry for you.”

  He wrapped his arms around her and they rocked together. “It’s my fault,” he whispered, his voice shaking. “Allisto. Everything. It’s my doing.”

  “It’s all right,” she said, her breath hot against his cheek. “It’ll be all right.”

  “I brought them here.” He pulled away from her and wiped his eyes. “I exposed them to all this. I put them in danger.” He ordered himself to get control, but he’d been in control for so long, the emotional release sprang through the gate, galloping full speed after being locked up for ages. “And now...how am I supposed to do this? He’s my brother! I can’t.”

  “This is the worst thing in the world and I don’t know what to say to you.” Robin grabbed him and hugged him tight. “Except I love you, Shep,” she said, her own voice laced with tears. “I always will. Your brothers aren’t the only ones. You’re not alone. You’re not.”

  He knew she meant that she loved him but not that she was in love with him. But when she said it, her aura was true, and her aura gave him the full picture. She loved him because of their history, their friendship, and who he was at his core. It was no longer romantic love. But it was enough.

  He took that love and left the restaurant, after Litner’s allotted amount of ‘after the check’ conversation. Their interaction after his breakdown had been honest and comfortable, and he knew that whatever happened, she’d been the first romantic love of his life. And he’d been hers.

  There was someone in this world, outside of his family, that loved him. An earthbound bond he hadn’t had to forge with blood and manipulation. It tethered him. Grounded him. And made him feel just a little bit stronger.

  When he got into the car, he changed the earpiece to two-way communication, and set out to find his brother. The one who didn’t love him anymore at all. The one who wanted him dead.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Shep maneuvered the car down the empty back road, the moon and headlights only paving his way a few narrow feet ahead. What he wouldn’t have given for some nice, bright streetlights, but darkness shrouded.

  “Still there?” he asked.

  “We’ve got you,” Palumbo’s voice answered. “Nothing yet, just keep it at the speed limit, even a little slower.”

  Shep let up on the gas a bit and struggled to maintain his focus. His muscles tensed all over and he felt like a machine, stiff and unyielding. Fingers biting into the steering wheel, he took a sharp corner on the narrow road, heart drumming. Maybe nothing would happen. Maybe Allisto would take the night off from his maiming, and they’d all meet tomorrow in the sunny kitchen, formulating a new plan. The thought was comforting. Delay could be a godsend.

  “Shep,” Palumbo’s voice buzzed in his ear. “You’ve got company. Two if by sea.”

  Shep’s muscles tensed all at once. “I told you, no code words.”

  “He’s in the air.
About thirty yards behind you.”

  “Shit.” Shep pulled over to the side of the road and put it in park. “I’m stopped,” he said. “Take out his ability to fly but do not kill him. You hear me? Do not kill him!”

  “In our sights, Shep. He sees you. He’s heading down to the road. Locking on target now.”

  Shep waited, his palms sweating, still gripping the wheel. The wounding would only make Allisto angrier. But they couldn’t allow him to fly away. Not again.

  Time seemed to tick on for too long, and his heart thudded, threatening to bust out of his chest. “Are you still there? Did you miss? I’m sitting—”

  “Target is down,” Palumbo’s voice buzzed in his ear. “Repeat, target is down, about forty feet behind Shep. We’re moving in. I repeat, all units. We’re moving in. Target is down.”

  Shep got out of the car. He looked down the dark, empty road, and started sprinting.

  Allisto would be wounded, surely weakened. If he could just talk to him, reason with him, then maybe he’d remember who he had been before. What they had all been to each other.

  His shoes slapped on the asphalt as he ran, nonhuman health working to his advantage, making him strong and fast. Allisto.

  And then he saw him, writhing in the middle of the road, both of his wings charred, frayed stumps on his back. Oh, shit. He’d thought the soldiers were only going to clip one wing, not obliterate both of them. Allisto was going to be raging. Shep almost fell forward as he stopped too fast. “Allisto?” he called out. “It’s me. We need to talk.”

  Allisto’s body stopped writhing, and he twisted about, pushing himself up on his hands and knees. “Brother,” he said, eyes blazing gold in the darkness. “You took my wings.” He panted for a moment, wincing. “Just like you did before.”

  Shep took a tentative step toward him. “I love you, Allisto. The cherubim created an illusion. They made me think you’d been destroyed. I wept for you, for months. I still do.”

  Allisto raised himself up, facing Shep on his knees. As his shoulders trembled, bloody stumps of wings shimmied like leather frills behind his bare shoulders. His face was beautiful in the moonlight, framed in that lustrous dark hair. It was like looking into a mirror for Shep, but Allisto was much more exotic, his individuality in physical form so beautiful. Shep could not destroy him. He simply could not.