Saree

by Su Dharmapala

  But dey nots dere. Balini baba not dere. Mama Leela not dere. And dere be no Thomas or Henry or Mr Krishnapillay. Ands evens more strange, dere be picture of Big Sir on dining table. And in front, dere be his pants. I picks up his pants. I looks for his belt. It not be dere. I tinks dere going to be big trouble if Sir cannot find belt for going to work in little while.

  Dat when Big Sir money wallet falls out. It be full of paper money. I don’t dare touch it.

  ‘Pick it up,’ de beautiful lady says to me. I cannot say no. She is Radha.

  She come over and she show me how much paper money to take. Three pieces from de end. ‘That is all you should need, Pilar,’ she says.

  Den she walk into big room. She slowly go up de stairs around big room and take de saree dat Raju Sir make from de wall. It hang from top of staircase to floor. ‘Help me fold this,’ she says. I is scared. I no want to be thief. I no want Big Sir to hit me wit belt. But I helps her.

  She asks me to follow her more. I is very scared now.

  She take me to de railway station across from river. She show me how to buy ticket. ‘We must catch the train that is at quarter past five in the morning,’ she says. And she show me where to catch train. She climbs on train wit me. And we rides. And we rides. And we rides. I is tired. I puts my head on her shoulder to sleep. Dat when I feel my baby move.

  ‘Yes, she is precious,’ Radha she says to me. Den we in town I no know. ‘Just get off at the last stop,’ she says.

  She show me how to go to a shop. It be early evening now. She tells me to show dem de saree. I do and dey give me money. More paper money dan I know what I does wit it.

  ‘Without this money you cannot enter the ashram for life or keep your daughter safe. Put it in your pallu,’ she says. ‘Tie it nice and tight.’

  ‘Come,’ she says and she show me how to take another train. ‘Make sure you catch the train that leaves at six-thirty in the evening. Promise me you won’t miss it.’

  Dis time we no ride so long. She show me sometin out de window. ‘Remember that tree, Pilar – it is very important. You must get off the train as soon as you pass that kikar tree.’

  It be difficult to get off train because it very busy and noisy. Lots of peoples. Peoples pushing me here and dere. I is scared I nearly not gets off train. But I do. I turn around and Radha not dere. I so scared I no know what to do. My heart start to go fast. I no know whats to do.

  Dat when someone tap me on shoulder. It be another young woman. She wear white saree and she look so beautiful. Maybe more beautiful dan Radha. She show me sometin. It be a little peacock. It be so small it fit into her hands. I gives her de money in my pallu and she gives me de peacock.

  ‘Do not be afraid. Everything will be all right now,’ she says. And I follows her. I follow her out to de road and into a temple.

  Dis temple is big. So big it go up into sky! And so beautiful. It be all white and dere be peoples dressed in white everywhere. It next to a green river. So big. So beautiful. Like long green and gold lake. I take a step into de temple, de floor be very cold I tinks.

  And dat when I wakes up. I still in Big Sir house. Balini baba she be next to me. Laksman he sleep next to me. And for first time I feels my baby move. Dat when I realise it all be a dream. A beautiful dream because my baby girl safe. But very sad dream too because I no have my Laksman wit me.

  De hot season it coming now. It get very hot during day. So everytin it start early now. We wakes up just after de crows go to mountains to rest. We must makes everytin ready before Big Sir, Madame, Missy and Raju Sir dey wake up. Because even dey wake early because of heat. Heat very hard when you have baby in belly.

  De heat it more hard because Gopal not wit us no more. No one to do de big cleaning jobs. See it be Gopal job to gets up dere and cleans de ceiling fans. Dey be so dirty now. Thick dust like slime on shanty house drain. And whens we puts ceiling fan on it throw dirt everywhere.

  ‘For god’s sake switch that fan off,’ Madame she cry one day when we puts it on in de living room and dirt fall off into her cold lassi. She very embarrassed. Her friends Mrs Sharma and Mrs Patel come to take morning tea.

  ‘It is so difficult to find good help these days,’ Madame she complain.

  Mrs Sharma and Mrs Patel dey complain about deir servants too. Dat dey lazy and dat dey breaks tings. Dey never talks about how Mrs Sharma hit her servant for eating too much. Everyone on street know Mrs Sharma very stingy. Mrs Patel, her house always a mess because she gossip all de time. She go from house to house to gossip. But dey leaves very quick. It be too hot in big house.

  One day Venay make paneer dhal wit chillies. Big Sir he like paneer dhal wit chillies. He come home for lunch and he take off shirt sit down at table.

  ‘Lal, please put your shirt back on,’ Madame she says. ‘It is uncivilised to have lunch bare chested!’

  ‘Leave me alone!’ he growls. ‘What is uncivilised is not having ceiling fans work. Selvi, why haven’t you got the servants to clean them yet?’

  ‘Which servant, Lal? Which one? Since Gopal died there is no one to do the heavy cleaning.’

  ‘What about Pilar?’ he asks rudely, cutting Madame off, pointing to me. ‘She is a hard worker!’

  ‘I can hardly ask a pregnant woman to climb a ladder, can I?’

  Big Sir he look me up and down and den ignores me.

  ‘What about Thomas or Henry?’ he demands.

  Madame she lowers her voice. ‘You know they are Catholics and the priest here is quite against electricity . . .’

  Raju Sir he stand up. He well now and walk good but he still very stiff. ‘I’ll clean it after lunch,’ he says.

  ‘Raju, don’t be silly,’ Missy she says and pulls him down to his chair. ‘Get Venay or Gunay to do it, Amman. Actually, I will get them to do it this afternoon.’

  ‘Venay and Gunay are cooks. I do not want them coming into the house,’ Big Sir he snaps. ‘I don’t want them trekking their dirt in here,’ he says wiping his neck wit his handkerchief. ‘This heat is intolerable! Pilar,’ he says to me. ‘Get more hot chillies from the kitchen. Maybe I can sweat myself cool.’

  And I do. I brings red hot chillies. Vernay mixes vinegar wit de chillies. Big Sir he mixes it wit his rice and eats.

  ‘Lal,’ Madame she scolds. ‘You’ll get an ulcer from all that chilli!’

  Only Sir he go red. ‘Water! Water!’ he calls. I runs and get him water which he drink fast. It splash all over face. ‘Goddammit!’ Big Sir roars. ‘I am going to clean this damn fan even if I have to do it myself!’

  Missy, Raju Sir and Madame dey finishes deir lunch. Dey shakes deir head and den dey goes to deir rooms. Every one sleeps in de afternoon in de hot season.

  Henry bring de big ladder into de house. He sets it up and Big Sir he climb wit big dusting cloth he takes from Balini baba. ‘I am going to do it right,’ he says. Only he not big enough. He no reach de ceiling fan. ‘Damn thing,’ he says. ‘If only I could tip the blades so I can clean the sides.’

  We never understand what Big Sir tinking when he do what he does next. But he takes off belt from his pants and he try to catch blade of ceiling fan. To pull it down.

  ‘Eii!’ Balini baba she scream when she sees dis. See Big Sir pants fall down.

  ‘Shut up, you stupid woman!’ Big Sir shout, only he lets go of de ladder.

  Den he falls. We alls screams.

  Everybody crazy now Big Sir in hospital. It same hospital Raju Sir and Missy take Laksman to. Madame she stay wit Big Sir. She sleep on little bed ands I have to go in every morning to rub oil into her back.

  ‘Pilar,’ she says, ‘you have no idea how I am suffering for my husband. No idea.’

  I no tells her when I is here wit my Laksman dey no give me bed. I sleep on floor mat.

  Missy she comes and spend day wit her amman. Spend day dere and come home at night.

  ‘I have to be there for my parents,’ she cry. And Missy she cry all de time. She scared her appa die.

&
nbsp; Big Sir get angry about dis. ‘You silly women,’ he say loudly. ‘Stop crying. It is only a dislocated shoulder! The only reason I am letting the quack keep me in here is because of the air conditioning!’

  He also like dat everybody in hospital clean. Dey wash deir hands. Dey puts deir hair in net. And dey wear mask. So he lies to de doctor. ‘Doctorji,’ Big Sir he says. ‘I think I need a few more days of rest here. I can never get any at home. I am forever doing this and that.’

  Dat be lie. Big Sir do nuttin in house. And now Raju Sir work in office, Big Sir want to take holiday. Take break.

  Missy and Madame dey no complain either. Dey likes being in hospital. Dey likes fuss. When dey be in hospital wit Big Sir, lots of people come to visit. Deir neighbours, deir relatives, everybody. Balini baba and I be dere all de time. We makes tea and we give out biscuits to visitors. Like big party. So Laksman be in hospital wit me.

  Dat when I realise some people tink Laksman be Missy and Raju Sir baby.

  ‘He looks just like you, Shanthi,’ an old aunty say. ‘You must have got pregnant straightaway child to have such a big baby.’ Missy she not correct her. Maybe dat because sometime Missy she act like Laksman amman. One day twenty peoples come to visit Big Sir and Laksman he start to cry. De aunties and uncles dey pinch Laksman face and calls him cute boy. One uncles toss him in air and say he fat putta like his athappa.

  I tinks Big Sir nearly chokes on his chai dat someone confuse servant baby wit his grandson.

  Dat when Missy take him out. To play wit children elsewhere in hospital.

  ‘Don’t worry, Pilar,’ she says. ‘I’ll only take him to where children with broken limbs are. They have a TV in there.’

  I so busy making tea, washing cups, dat I no notice it nearly dark. Time to go home wit Balini baba. I goes in search of my Laksman. I looks through broken limb children but my boy not dere. I look in ward where dere be babies, my Laksman and Missy not dere.

  I finds dem in lady ward. Where all de sick madames and missies are. Missy find her old schoolfriend. De one Madame sends Missy to visit when Balini baba, Mama Leela, Miss Sonali and me we drinks chai and eat gulab jamun to talks about what wrong wit Missy and Raju Sir.

  I walks in. My Laksman asleep on Missy shoulder. His hand in her saree blouse and his head in her neck. Missy she sit dere and she talks to her friend. Holding her hand while she pats my Laksman wit de other. Her friend crying.

  ‘I had no choice, Shanthi,’ Missy Parvathi she cries.

  ‘It will be all right,’ Missy she says.

  ‘No, it won’t,’ Missy Parvathi she cry. ‘I can’t have any more children. The doctor told me that. Vinod is sure to take me home and dump me with my parents!’

  ‘Don’t be silly! He adores you!’

  ‘We already have two girls and the in-laws are obsessed with having a grandson. That is the only reason I agreed to it. Even at this late stage.’

  ‘Was it painful?’ Missy ask in a quiet voice.

  ‘Yes,’ Missy friend now sobs. ‘It was awful! They said I didn’t need a general anaesthetic, so I saw everything. I wanted them to stop but the doctor had already started.’

  ‘I am so sorry . . .’ Missy she say. She now gots tears.

  ‘They killed her first, you know. They killed her. They injected her heart with poison. And I saw her. When they sucked her out of me into a glass bottle, I saw her. I saw her hands. And her feet. They were so perfect.’ Missy friend cry like crazy now. She all alone. She cry for her dead baby.

  Now Missy she sob too. My Laksman he wake up. He look at Missy and touch her face. Make her stop crying. Dat when I know. Dat when I know whats I must do. My son got amman. My daughter need life. But I no know hows to do it. I no thief. I no wants Big Sir to kills me. But maybe it better Big Sir catch me and puts me in jail dan dey takes my baby out and kills me.

  De message it come just before midnight. Gopal his brother brings it. ‘You marmee say come quick. Come to poor peoples hospital.’ I leaves my Laksman wit Missy. ‘Take care of my baby,’ I says to her and I runs. I runs. I runs wit Gopal brother. De poor people hospital on other side town. It longs way. I no breath when I gets dere.

  Marmee dere. Marcel dere. Brother-in-law dere. Idiot sister-in-law dere.

  ‘Where is my Murukananthan?’ I ask. Before dey can answer de doctorji he come. He ask who Murukananthan wife be and I says me. Dey takes me. Murukananthan not dead yet. He drink poison. De doctor say it take hours or maybe even days to die.

  I sits next to Murukananthan. I cry. I is scared now.

  Marmee she come after a while. De doctorji explains to her and Marcel. Dey both scream. Dey scream at Murukananthan. ‘Please, putta! Please no die! We gets you new wife!’ dey scream.

  I hear brother-in-law talk to Gopal brother. ‘He no pay de moneylenders he borrow for shop. He start drinking down in town. Dey come after Pilar now for money. She work. She gots money!’

  I scream more inside my head. But den Murukananthan he wake for little bit. He open eyes and he vomit. Black poison. And his face it swellt. Like dead animal. So it be just before crow start to cry dat he die. Doctorji come and explain dat Murukananthan gone to God.

  Marmee she start screaming. She go crazy. First she lies on ground and she scream. Den Marmee she stands up. And she slaps me. Hard across ear. And she hits me and hits me. I lifts my hand to stop Marmee. She old but strong and her arm bony. She hit me more.

  ‘What? What?’ I cries.

  ‘My boy! My boy!’ she cries. ‘He dies! He kill himself! You gets baby girl in belly and he kills himself!’ Marmee she scream. She tries to kick me in belly but I steps away. ‘Filthy widow! Get out of my sight!’

  Marcel and brother-in-law dey come to me. ‘Get out,’ my brother-in-law shout. ‘Unlucky woman! Get out! You are dhosai. You bring dhosai!’ Dey push me. Dey push me straight out of hospital door into street. I falls. I falls into drain. ‘Go,’ dey say. ‘Go back to village! Your sister-in-law takes job! Big Sir no keep dhosai widow like you in house.’

  I looks at dem. I no know what to tink. I no tink. I stupid girl from village. What I know? I walk to temple. I sits dere and I pray. I pray for long time. Maybe God will help me. I pray so hard maybe dat why I hears my name when de pusari toll de bell. ‘Pilar . . . Pilar . . .’

  I look up. I see Radha. She walk. She look at me and she ask me to follow her. I follow her. Back to Big Sir house. It be exactly like my dream. Only when I gets to house, Radha not dere. I walk in and dere be no one at house. De house be empty. No Balini baba. No Henry or Thomas or de cooks. I go upstairs. I cannot find Missy, Raju Sir or Madame.

  Den I go downstairs. I see dat dey put Big Sir picture on dining table. His pants on floor like de day he fall from ladder. So I go out de house and I knock on neighbour door.

  ‘What happens?’ I ask de servants in other house.

  ‘What happen to you?’ dey ask first. ‘You look like you see ghost.’

  ‘Nuttin. But where my Laksman? Where Missy?’

  ‘Didn’t you hear? Just after midnight they got a telephone call that Mr Govindarajan got sick and died.’

  I go back into house. I do like my dream. I takes enough money for train and I takes de saree from de wall. I walk down to train station and I takes train. I no understand how dis happen but it happens. And I know my baby safe and my Laksman he be safe too. Maybe dis be Radha plan.

  The Second Drape

  Mysore, Karnataka, India, 1989

  ‘Arrrggghh!’

  ‘Eiiii! Eiii! Eii! Eii!’

  ‘Oooh oooh oooh!’

  Sarojini thought she’d heard every sound under the sun during the throes of passion. There were those who screamed. Those who cried. And even those who resorted to animal sounds as they reached the pinnacle of their ecstasy; woofing like a dog or grunting like a pig. But never before had she heard anyone call out for their mother as they spilled themselves inside her.

  ‘Surely that has got to be wrong?’ she grumbled to her housemate Ka
lpana. ‘Why would anyone think of their mother right at that moment?’

  ‘Surely the one thing you should know by now is that there is no right or wrong when it comes to sex,’ Kalpana observed acerbically as she came over to squat by the drain to brush her teeth. ‘Was it the business man from Bangalore?’

  ‘No, the teacher from Puducherry. His wife is in hospital here in Mysore.’

  ‘Hmm . . . such a handsome young man. Who would have thought it?’

  ‘That he is not having sex from his wife? The woman has a heart condition!’

  ‘No!’ Kalpana said before spitting noisily into the drain. ‘That he would have hang-ups about his mother. I think there is a name for that disease . . .’ she said, tapping her head with the end of her toothbrush to recall the name of the condition.

  Sarojini rolled her eyes. For quite some time now Kalpana had been seeing the Chief Psychiatrist at the Mysore University Hospital and so she fancied herself one, too. She was forever trying to pick apart people’s conversations now and give them mind diseases.

  ‘That Poornima – she has this crazy person disease . . . Nar – something. Who can remember these fancy ferenge words . . . but I can describe it. It’s named after a Greek god who saw a reflection of himself in a water hole and fell in love with it and fell into the water and died!’

  ‘She is but sixteen. If you don’t love yourself, then you never will,’ Sarojini replied exasperatedly.

  To which Kalpana just sniffed. She liked to think of herself as a perfect embodiment of devadasi. A detached provider of a service that necessitated the same degree of dedication and education as required by a doctor or teacher. ‘The karma sutra has 1250 verses and comes in thirty-six bound volumes. I doubt any green horn village school teacher has read half as much.’

  ‘Neither have you,’ Sarojini muttered to herself as she followed Kalpana into their small home as she kept muttering names of disease. ‘Was it schizophrenia? Or was it hypomania . . .’