Kink

by N. M. Catalano

  “So where would you like to go, Baby Girl?” John asks her, his heart swelling at the slight glimpse of the Elsie from before the accident. His girl with so much life and zest and passion. Anger and fear have moved in and what worries him the most is not knowing how long they are going to stay. Not for himself, but for her.

  “Let’s go to Sonic, then we don’t have to get out of the car. I don’t want to ruin anyone’s appetite with my disgusting face,” she decides, with a tinge of her new companions in her voice, anger and self-loathing, peeking through. Her face is down and he can tell she’s blushing from the red on her ear.

  “Hey, Angel,” he begins, “look at me.” He’s trying to lift her face towards him with a finger under her chin.

  She’s resisting and clamps her eyes tightly shut.

  “Elsie, you are the most beautiful and amazing woman I have ever met. For so long I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy………until you. You, with your passion for life, your way of making everything look and seem beautiful, your take-no-shit attitude. I adore you, all of you, everything about you. You are the most beautiful light in this sometimes shitty world that we live in.”

  A tear slides down Elsie’s cheek and John can tell she’s fighting to keep the sobs at bay.

  “You’re hurting inside right now, Angel, and I wish I could take all of that pain away. God, if there was nothing else in this life I could do besides take all of your pain away, I would die a happy man. But all I can do is give you my heart and be here for you, whenever you’re ready. However long it takes, I’ll wait.” Now it’s John who’s fighting with the lump in his throat.

  He can feel her slipping away from him, inch by inch, every day, and it’s killing him. The more she slips from his grasp the tighter he holds on. What he’s most afraid of is if he holds her too tightly, will she run?

  Elsie turns her face to look out the window at the parking lot. All of these cars, all of these people, and never has she felt so alone.

  “Let’s go Mountain Man, I’m starving,” she says trying very hard not to let her voice crack.

  *

  “Elsie, I was going to wash some clothes, is there any…,” John’s voice trails off when his eyes focus in on the scene he’s just walked in on.

  Elsie is in the shower, the air is steamy, but not enough that he can’t see the red dripping down her arm, and covering the stall floor.

  “Jesus Christ! Can’t I have any fucking privacy?! Get out and leave me alone!” she screams at him.

  He turns and leaves, closing the door behind him. He’s in shock.

  What the fuck do I do? Do I leave her in there to do what she feels she needs to? I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! he screams at himself, and at no one, in his mind. What good are all the years of training, all those hours of duty and surviving? What’s the point of all that, if he can’t even save the one person, the only woman he’s ever given his heart to? What the fuck good am I?! his mind screams as his hands tear through his hair with complete frustration and fear.

  He’s read some literature on cutting and everything says that it’s an addiction and it shouldn’t result in punishment but understanding.

  She can slit her fucking wrists, right here, right now! Oh, God, please help me help her, I beg you, for her.

  Never in all of his years on the Reservation with his fucked up mother, or his years in the military with bombs and gunfire surrounding him, did he feel this helpless.

  John hears the water turn off and the shower door open. There’s movement in the bathroom.

  Thank God! John sends out a grateful sigh to the heavens.

  He decides it will probably be best to give her some space, so he goes downstairs to keep himself busy.

  An hour later, Elsie still hasn’t come down, he hasn’t stopped pacing the floor worried if she’s ok.

  Ding dong. It’s the doorbell.

  Who the fuck is here? I definitely don’t need this right now, John thinks.

  As John walks to answer the door he hears Elsie moving around upstairs.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” John spits out. It’s Rico.

  “Elsie called me.” Rico’s voice is calm but authoritative. He’s ready for the confrontation he thinks is coming.

  John’s head jerks backwards, as if he were hit with a blow, the words are as powerful as one.

  “I’m leaving John,” Elsie’s voice comes softly from behind him.

  John turns to see her standing at the foot of the stairs dressed in a long-sleeved shirt and blue, denim, skinny jeans with her red converse. The sneakers make him think of the day of Janie’s 5K run and his heart gets squeezed again. Their first night together.

  “Why?” the single word leaves John’s throat in a choke.

  “I can’t do this, I’m drowning, and I’m pulling you down with me. I’m dying slowly John, and I can’t keep hurting you. That’s killing me even more,” she whispers as she walks up to him with an agonized expression on her pretty pale face.

  “Don’t go, Angel, let me take care of you,” he demands, his eyes pleading with her.

  “I have to, Mountain Man. Take care of yourself,” she whispers as she reaches up and traces his lips with her fingers. Elsie slides her hand behind John’s thick neck and pulls his mouth to hers. She brushes her lips softly against his. Their eyes meet, so many things are said with that one long look, before she walks away and closes the door behind her, leaving him alone. The thud of wood against wood rings in his ears, it seems as if his world is collapsing in on him.

  *

  John’s new lover is scotch, she takes him to a place where he doesn’t need to think, doesn’t need to feel, where every thought, every second, isn’t filled with Elsie, her scent, her laugh, the way her skin feels under his touch. And he can survive as long as scotch is numbing him to the pain.

  “Rico,” he says into the phone, after John dialed his number.

  “Yeah, Dude,” Rico answers him.

  “Make sure Elsie gets to this appointment,” John wonders why his mouth’s not working very well. He concentrates very hard at reading Rico the address and the time.

  “Got it, John,” Rico answers him, after the third time he’s read it to him.

  “And Rico?”

  “Yeah?” he asks patiently.

  “Is she ok?” John asks, pushing past that lump in his throat again.

  “Yeah, Dude, she’s ok,” he reassures John gently.

  “Good, that’s all that matters…,” John replies, before he hangs up the phone, turns the bottle upside down, and empties the scotch into his mouth.

  His new lover will block out the images that haunt him, every waking and sleeping moment, of Rico’s hands all over Elsie’s body, sliding inside of her, her lips wrapped around him, her beautiful little body writhing and moaning beneath his. He won’t hear her voice in his head calling his name, but most of all John won’t hear her say those words, ‘I’m leaving.’

  Chapter 18“At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over and life is like a song. Oh, yeah, yeah. At last, the skies above are blue. My heart was wrapped up in clover the night I looked at you. I found a dream that I could speak to, a dream that I can call my own. I found a thrill to press my cheek to. A thrill that I have never known. Oh, yeah,when you smile, you smile oh, and then the spell was cast. And here we are in heaven, for you are mine…at last…” Lyrics “At Last” by Etta James

  “Yes, Elizabeth I’m going, I promised I would,” Elsie tells her friend.

  They’ve all been so worried about me, the least I can do is go to this stupid thing, Elsie tells herself as she rolls her eyes, dreading going out for this stuffy function.

  The function is Bid-A-Date and Elsie is sure it’s going to be filled with an equal amount of southern debutante types and air-headed bimbos, all salivating over the most eligible bachelors in the area, both of which, make her want to cringe and hide.

  “I’m going for you, Liz, I know you don’t wan
t to sit there all by yourself while Mr. Man is up on stage, playing host. What the hell made him agree to do this stupid thing anyway?” she asks Elizabeth, disbelief ringing loud and clear in Elsie’s voice.

  “I know,” Elsie can hear the eye-rolling coming from the other end of the phone. “Liana booked him for this gig a few months ago. She said that it would be good publicity for his real estate development project, and, unfortunately, she’s right. Women buy homes and commercial buildings too.”

  “I hate to admit it, but you’re right. Thank God Janie’s coming too, you got her a ticket, right? I don’t want to sit there all night with you ogling Mr. Man, along with every other heavy breathing, horny, female in the room.”

  Elizabeth laughs at Elsie’s playful sarcasm. It’s taken a couple of months, but the old Elsie is coming back.

  “Yes I did, she said she was going to call you. And Rico’s going to be there as well, he’s one of the dates being bid on.”

  “Hah, you’re shitting me?! I can’t wait to bust his chops. I haven’t talked to him in a couple of weeks.”

  After Elsie left John’s place, heartbroken and devastated that she was hurting him, while dying a slow steady death inside, she’d spent a lot of time with Rico. His presence was reassuring to her during these past few months, but without the stress of having to be the sweet lover she felt she had to be with John, and with Brian too. She was free to be angry if she wanted, or to grieve if that was what she needed. There was nothing, no history, no expectations, between her and Rico, except annoyance, and as strange as it sounds, it helped Elsie to let go of some of her anger. There was no pressure with Rico, but she felt safe, something she couldn’t get from Elizabeth and Janie. And for this, Elsie would always be grateful to Rico.

  “At least I get to spend Valentine’s Day with all of my favorite people,” Elizabeth says cheerily.

  Fuck you, Valentine’s Day, Elsie growls to herself, gritting her teeth.

  “Let’s just not even go there, ok, Liz? It’s bad enough I have to sit through the meat show, let’s not throw in the pukey hearts and flowers crap too,” Elsie grumbles.

  “Ok, ok, sorry, but it’s true. When was the last time the three of us hung out together? It’s been way too long, and I miss you…”

  “Don’t start with the emotional stuff either, Liz,” Elsie can feel the knot forming in her throat. Her friends have shown her an amazing amount of support, and love, and patience, during this whole thing. These people, her friends, are the only real family she’s ever known.

  It has been months since she did anything remotely normal. It’s only recently that she started doing the things she used to, like creating new designs and going out for walks to enjoy a beautiful day. She’s finally starting to feel alive again. Her therapist said that she’s ready for this, that it’s time. Elsie feels good about going, she feels good about herself and about making this step in her healing process. She feels ready.

  “Listen, there is something I need to tell you while we’re talking about this…,” Elizabeth begins hesitantly.

  “Now what? Don’t tell me I’m going to have to wear a tiara or something crazy like that. I draw the line at acting like a princess,” Elsie laughs.

  “Hah, no, nothing like that. But have you heard anything about the function tonight?” Elizabeth asks hesitantly.

  “No, not really, only what you’ve told me,” Elsie answers her a tentatively, waiting for this bomb, which Elizabeth sounds like she’s getting ready to drop.

  “Well…,” Elizabeth stammers.

  “Just spit it out already, whatever it is I’m fine,” Elsie snaps.

  “Ok, the men that the dates are being bid on are all men in uniform; police officers, firemen, service men…,” Elizabeth begins.

  “And?”

  “And John and Brian were both approached to participate in it,” Elizabeth says.

  “And?!” Elsie asks, getting impatient.

  “Ok, here’s the deal: John had kind of gone back to active duty status, in the private military sector, after you left him. He and Brian had agreed to participate in the function before you guys even met, probably even before we started going to the gym. I really don’t know if John’s back in the States. So I don’t know if he and Brian are still going to participate. I think Brian will. I know he’ll come over to say hi to you. And like I said, Rico’s going to be participating as well. Crazy, isn’t it Elsie, that we’re surrounded by guys in uniform,” Elizabeth finishes a little breathlessly, letting out a nervous little chuckle.

  “Yeah, it’s a real hoot,” Elsie answers her absently as she thinks about this new information.

  Wow. John. I might see him tonight. God, I’ve missed him so much, Elsie thinks as she lets all of those old feelings wash over her and her heart pounds.

  In hindsight, Elsie had gotten the feeling during a couple of therapy sessions that John had visited the therapist as well, just from the line of questioning and the things that were discussed. But Elsie was too much of a mess, barely holding onto the last tattered fringes of her sanity, to grasp it at the time.

  Her heart constricts in her chest with everything that she felt for him exploding inside of her again. She’s pushed it down, all these months, knowing she couldn’t deal with that and getting her head back on straight.

  He went back over to that shithole?! Is he crazy? If anything happens to him I’ll never be able to forgive myself, Elsie thinks as pain and fear etch into her mind with visions of John getting injured.

  “El, you ok?” Elizabeth’s voice breaks into Elsie’s thoughts.

  “Yeah, I’m good. And it’s cool, I’ll be fine if they’re there,” Elsie says. She’s trying to put up her tough girl façade, her go-to defense mechanism.

  It will be so good to see him, the thought floods her mind and warms her body. A giddy smile spreads across her face before she can stop it. Calm down Girl, don’t let Elizabeth know you’re looking forward to seeing him, he might not even be there tonight.

  “Ok, then. I think Janie said something about picking you up, so you two can ride together and not walk in alone.”

  “I’ll give her a call now. And Elizabeth?”

  “Yes?”

  “Happy Valentine’s Day,” Elsie manages to get out as a swell of love and caring fills her suddenly.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day, El,” Elizabeth tells her best friend, the strong emotion evident in her words.

  *

  Elsie’s hair is a little longer now, she’s wearing it in a new style, and it gives her a whole different look. She’s lucky her hairdresser agreed to come over to her apartment and do her hair for her, sensing Elsie’s hesitancy. Elizabeth set it up for her, they go to the same salon.

  As she looks in the mirror to give her reflection a final once over, before meeting Janie to leave for the Bid-A-Date function, she starts to worry her lip.

  What if he doesn’t like this look? What if he hates me for leaving the way I did? What if he didn’t care that I left at all?

  Hope, fear, apprehension, desire, uncertainty. All of these emotions, and more, are swirling within Elsie, taking turns trying to grab ahold of her and control her. Some want to disable and cripple her, and suck her back into the cold dark place of despair she’s worked so hard to break free of these past months. Others are trying to motivate and entice her, pushing her forward so fast that she would ultimately spin out of control and crash head-first, also sending her back into a place of despair and confusion.

  No, she is now able to recognize those self-defeating emotions and choose not to give them a place inside of her. It’s a day by day battle, sometimes minute by minute, but she’s in control, it’s her life, her mind, she’s at the wheel, and it’s so empowering.

  This is me, Elsie thinks, I am who I am. I’m not what happened to me. I am beautiful and strong, and I’m going to kick some serious ass tonight!

  A warm smile of relief spreads across Elsie’s face. She knows now, right at this moment,
after all the pain, all the tears, heart aches and sacrifices, she is finally free.

  *

  The night is very cool and the stars are crisp. It’s just like every other Friday night in Downtown Wilmington, people walking and laughing, thinking that maybe tonight they just might get lucky. And if they get really lucky, they’ll meet that someone special.

  Elsie has allowed herself to relive some of those magical moments she spent with John. The words were hard to recall, but the feel of his skin, how his fingers and lips stroked her skin, how safe and adored she’d felt in his arms, all of those memories came pouring out like a dam breaking inside of her. She’d locked them up in that special place, where she kept them tucked away until she was ready for them again. Her hand reaches up to touch her fingers lightly along the choker that John had given to her that night. The simple gentle touch makes the breath catch in her lungs and sends electric ripples through her body. This is the first time she’s taken it out of its pouch since she left his house.

  I wonder what his reaction will be when he sees it…

  Elsie and Janie walk through the lobby on their way to the hall where the Bid-A-Date function is being held. The place is filled with giggling females, all talking about how they hope to get a date with a hot man in uniform. Janie and Elsie look at each other and roll their eyes, then start to laugh to themselves. They’re laughing at the women, not with them.

  When they get to the entrance of the hall, Elsie hesitates a moment. Janie notices the apprehension and walks her to the side, their arms hooked together.

  “You ok Kiddo?” Janie asks Elsie, squeezing her hand comfortingly.

  “Yeah, I’m good. I was just checking out everyone’s clothes. We are the best dressed bitches in this place,” Elsie tells her friend.

  They say if you act it then you’ll be it. Elsie’s making every attempt at being strong and brave. But inside she’s scared shitless.

  “You’re damn right, we’re the best dressed bitches here, the three of us! A very dear friend of mine made these dresses, she is the most amazingly talented designer. One day she’ll be so famous she won’t have time for me,” Janie beams at Elsie.