by Sue MacKay
He had to get over this. As much as Lily attracted him, keeping his feet on the ground was imperative for his sanity. She had him talking when he never told people his deepest thoughts. It made him feel connected to her in ways he’d not known before. It went beyond the monumental physical attraction to places he wasn’t used to sharing. His ribs ached from the continuous pounding going on. Lily was special, and he was afraid. He could hurt them both if he gave in to this yearning for love. They must not have another fling. She’d had two failed relationships. He wasn’t adding to the list.
His pace picked up. His arms pumped, his head pushed forward, as he drove his body to work as hard as possible, trying to outrun the desire filling him, the longing for a normal, happy relationship. With Lily? Yes, damn it, with Lily. He stumbled, righted himself, and continued at the breakneck pace. These feelings slam dunked him again and again. The sense that they could have had more before had bloomed into a roaring awareness of everything about her. The vulnerability he’d felt back then had returned. Larger, more frightening. Had he got more to lose now?
Had he been trying too hard to remain single? But he had to. The five-year clearance from the oncologist was two years away. And when...if he did... No, damn it, when. No more negativity. His results had been all he could want so far. Constantly waiting for the axe to fall was wasting the opportunity to be happy. Okay, so when he got the final all-clear, he still wasn’t going to marry and have children. But he could have some fun. If he kept his heart out of the picture.
The path leading up to the camp buildings veered to the left. Max stopped and leaned over, hands on hips, his lungs burning as he dragged in air. So much for a cruisy run to wake himself up. He had been awake all right, just not in cruise mode. Lily Scott had got to him once more. It might not be as the result of a massive argument, or calling off their sexy nights, but her generosity, her smiles, her honesty were even more potent. Far more dangerous. Because he wanted her. All of her. And he couldn’t have her. It wouldn’t be fair. An expletive tore out of him.
‘You okay, Doctor?’ Ollie ran up the path, looking in a lot better shape than Max was.
‘Fine,’ Max croaked through a breath. Fine and dandy.
‘See you later.’ And the kid was off, making like there was nothing wrong with his foot. Which there wasn’t with his great attitude and determination.
‘Something I could learn from,’ Max conceded. ‘Thought I was meant to be helping these guys, not the other way round.’
Resilience was the catchword for the camp. Physical resilience. Peer pressure resilience. Mental fortitude to face what other people threw at them. All these teens seemed to have bags of it and yet there were times each and every one of them suffered doubts or hurt.
Straightening up, Max started walking up the path. He liked to think he was resilient, too. Growing up in his father’s house, he’d learned not to complain about his lot, to take life on the chin and get on with whatever was required. Cancer had underlined the lessons in a darker way. Now he had a future to toughen up about. He could not fall in love with Lily. Even if he’d started down the road already, he had to pull back. Now.
He’d start with a shower, breakfast and getting on with the day, making the most of everyone he interacted with, and being friendly but reserved with Lily when she came to the camp. He would not take the coward’s way out and find another bed to doss down on. He’d try not to upset Lily, but wouldn’t avoid her. They got on well when he relaxed and stopped overthinking everything.
* * *
When Lily joined him in the recreation hall for the wheelchair races she asked, looking directly at him, no expectation in her gaze, ‘Am I cooking for two tonight?’
He had moved in for the week and not turning up for dinner would be rude. And disappointing for himself. And going against what he’d intended. ‘If that’s all right?’ It seemed when it came to Lily he had no control over his tongue whatsoever.
Surprise filled her big, bright emerald eyes. ‘Good.’
His smile seemed to have become a permanent fixture. No wonder he was in trouble. Lily did this to him, no matter how strong his determination to remain aloof.
CHAPTER SIX
HE SHOULD HAVE stayed at the camp, Max sighed. Dinner had been great, delicious food and tasty wine, comfortable company. He’d brought coffee into the lounge while Lily had banked up the fire. As he’d sat drinking the coffee he’d tried not to look too long at her, but how could he not?
Sprawled across the couch, reading something on her phone, she looked stunning in her tight jeans and that navy jersey draped softly over her breasts. Tension started crawling through him, tightening places where he didn’t need constriction. Memories returned of the warm softness of those breasts filling his palms, the curves of her backside under his hands as he’d held her close and driven into her, those long legs wound around his waist, holding him to her as if she hadn’t wanted him to withdraw.
Max leapt to his feet. ‘Think I’ll have an early night,’ he grunted.
Lily was instantly on her feet before him. ‘Are you all right?’
‘No.’ Dragging his fingers through his hair, he drank in the sight in front of him. The vibrant colour of her eyes added to the vibrancy of the waves of thick hair spilling over her shoulders. Hair that shone in the light and had been silk to his touch last time he’d slid his fingers through it.
‘It’s early.’ Her voice was husky, and as sexy as hell.
‘I know.’ He couldn’t find it in him to lie and say he’d had a big day and wanted some sleep. He needed to get away before she drove him crazy. Crazier. He sure wasn’t telling her that. Not while he had a glimmer of common sense left in his head.
‘Max? What’s up?’
Like he was about to answer. He’d put some air between them. But his feet were weights, holding him to the floor as he drank in Lily. She was beautiful with her cute nose, lips full, smooth, pink cheeks. A pulse in her throat rose and fell in time to the rapid thumping going on under his ribs.
Placing his hands on the curves of her shoulders, he gently brought her closer and lowered his head to kiss her. Just one small, soft kiss. He had to, couldn’t resist any more.
Lily pressed closer, her mouth opening under his.
The citrus scent filled his head. Those lips blanked all thought. His mouth opened on hers, his tongue slid inside to taste her. His arms were around her, his thighs pressed against her, his reaction pressing into her belly. Oh, Lily.
Her tongue met his, danced between them. On his back her fingers were digging in. She was on her toes, stretching upward, pushing into his chest with her breasts.
He kept on kissing her. He couldn’t get enough. He’d wanted this from the day he’d seen her on the pavement outside the clinic with their patient. Her body felt right pressed into his, melding with him, becoming one. This was what he wanted, needed. And had sworn not to look for.
When he hadn’t been looking, Lily had happened, and look where they were. In each other’s arms, free to do as they wished. Except, no, he shouldn’t. What if he ended up hurting her? He knew little about strong, loving relationships. Relationships that survived no matter what, even cancer. If he screwed up he’d be heartbroken. Yes, he knew that now. He might survive the hurt, though not hurting her. But pulling his mouth away from her, dropping his arms to his sides, stepping back—that was impossible. Drawing in some air, he submitted to his overwhelming need and continued kissing her. Time became immeasurable.
Then slowly Lily drew her mouth away, gasping for air. ‘Max?’ she whispered. ‘What’s going on?’ A huge question sat in her eyes. Her arms remained around him, holding tight.
‘I want you.’
She was watching him with an intensity that didn’t bode well.
Did she see his uncertainty about the future? There wasn’t any about wanting her. But his promise to himself w
as rising again, waving a red flag. Lily would see that, even if she didn’t understand. Especially how he’d reacted to their kisses. The loving way he held her, the excitement that would be in his face and at the front of his jeans.
‘I want you, too.’ Now her arms left him, her body pulled back as she dropped back onto her feet. ‘There is a but, isn’t there?’
She could read him better than he’d expected. With his fingers, he massaged his scalp. ‘Not about taking you to bed and making love. Not at all.’
‘Then why are we standing out here?’
‘I don’t want a repeat of last time.’
Her eyes widened with disbelief. And something more. Surprise? Or understanding? Because she felt the same? What did he tell her? The truth. All of it? Or be selective? Admitting his loving feelings wasn’t wise. If she reciprocated in any small way he’d have given hope that he’d then have to shoot down by telling her why he’d never get into a permanent relationship.
Taking Lily’s hand, he said, ‘Join me on the couch. I’ve something to tell you.’
‘This is serious.’
‘Yes, it is.’ His heart was thudding, the rhythm rough. If only they hadn’t reached this point, had pretended all was okay, he could’ve continued kissing and sucking up her passion and sexiness and gentleness and... And everything about her.
‘Do your kisses usually move in this direction?’ A worried smile came his way.
‘You’ll be the first woman I’ve talked to about this.’ It was too late to pull out. Lily dropped onto the couch and shuffled that cute butt to one end. ‘I’m all ears.’ No smile of any kind now, but deep concern was coming his way.
The last thing he needed was Lily feeling sorry for him. Sinking down beside her, Max stared at his outstretched feet. ‘You asked why I changed specialties. My answer was true, but how that came about is because I loathe being stuck inside buildings and not having a sense of the outside world.’ He paused.
Lily briefly rested her palm on his thigh. ‘Go on.’
Covering her hand with his, the tension in his gut lightened. He needed her strength, her resilience. He needed Lily. Which was frightening. He had spent most of his life fighting not to need his parents, or anyone else. So why Lily? But why not? She was strong, took none of his nonsense, and could be tender towards him.
‘Max?’
‘Sorry.’ He shook his head. ‘Three years ago I had cancer.’
Her hand jerked under his.
‘Bowel cancer. I had surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and then a new treatment that’s still being trialled.’
‘That explains the hair.’
‘You didn’t think I’m going grey because I work my butt off all the time?’ It wasn’t hard to smile at her.
‘I thought you looked like you’ve been through something awful. I was right, though not about the reason. Max, your news is shocking. How did you cope? Did you stay in Auckland?’
‘I went back to Dunedin, mainly because my family’s there, though not all together.’ And they had done their best to rally round, but none of them had been used to being so close and talking about serious issues.
‘I wanted to get away from everyone I worked with so I didn’t have to put up with their sympathy. It didn’t take long to realise that’d been a mistake. Most of you would’ve given me a lot of support in the form of bad jokes and always visiting when I needed to sleep.’
She flicked a grin on and off. ‘This happened while I was still in town? Now I think about it, I did hear you’d left the emergency department.’
He nodded. ‘You’d just moved to an emergency clinic on the North Shore.’
‘Filling in time before going to Singapore.’ Shaking her head, Lily asked, ‘Where are you now with the cancer? I’m presuming you’re all right and waiting for the all-clear.’
If only it was that simple. It could be if you let it. ‘Yes. And no.’ When she fixed that concern on him again, he hurried on. ‘I am healthy, fit and have no symptoms. It isn’t easy to let go the fear of cancer returning, though. I’ve got a little way to go for the all-clear, and I hope when that happens I’ll move forward with being positive.’
‘You already are. Did you not hear yourself? You said when the all-clear happens. Sounds positive to me.’
Her tender smile pierced his heart when he didn’t have a heart to give, despite his growing feelings for Lily. He needed her in his life. Standing up, Max paced across the room, returned to sit down closer. ‘I hadn’t thought of it like that. Not that it changes a thing. I worry that if I do get ill again I could hurt anyone I become close to.’
‘Not even if you hurt someone by walking away when she wanted to be with you?’
Was she talking about herself? Or speaking generally? ‘Better sooner than later.’
Suddenly she was staring at him hard. Searching for something. What was the question? He might be able to save her from whatever was causing this. ‘Lily? What is it?’
She shook her head. ‘No, it doesn’t matter.’
‘Come on. Spill. I’ve told you something I never share.’
For minutes he thought she was going to ignore him. Then her chest rose, fell and she faced him. ‘You indicated you weren’t going to have a family. Does that mean you could if you wanted?’
Where was this going? This wasn’t something he’d expected to talk about when he’d started down this track, but he may as well tell her. It couldn’t hurt. ‘My sperm’s in the bank. I didn’t want to do it but my oncologist talked me into it by saying best to cover the options, and that a time might come when I’d regret not doing so, and if I didn’t nothing was wasted. So I gave in and went ahead.’
‘You don’t think you will have children, do you?’
‘I have no intention of it.’
His own kids? His heart squeezed painfully. It would be super-fantastic to be a dad. But what if he left them without a father? ‘I don’t want to leave my kids without a dad, and that could happen if the cancer returns.’
‘Kids lose their parents for all sorts of reasons. Wives lose their husbands, too. You might live till you’re ninety and be as grumpy as hell. That’s far more likely than you having a relapse.’ Her smile had returned, but it wasn’t as straight and happy as before. More as though there was still a question lurking in the background.
‘Thanks for your support,’ he muttered.
‘You’re welcome.’ She stood up. ‘That coffee’s not doing me any good. I’m making hot chocolate. Want one?’
Was this the end of the discussion? He wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or disappointed. ‘I’d love one.’ The whole telling Lily thing had gone more smoothly than he’d expected. ‘Why did you ask that particular question?’
* * *
Lily carefully spooned chocolate granules into mugs while the milk heated in the microwave. Could she tell him? With his fear of the cancer returning, he’d probably be furious if she offered to have his child, say she didn’t understand. Which she didn’t, quite. But he’d want to be a part of the child’s life if she used his sperm. He thought that if he fathered a child it could be left without a dad but she wasn’t planning on having a father in the picture anyway. At least she hadn’t been until Max had come back into her life.
The romance had been growing on her side, and that had started her thinking they could do this together. Now that romance and his statement of no children reminded her of Leo. They’d supposedly been in love and he hadn’t told her he didn’t want children.
But Max wasn’t Leo. He hadn’t held back from telling her anything so far. It was early days, but now she understood he probably never would admit to it if he ever fell for her. He was set on remaining single and not involving children in his life in case the worst happened. For that, she could only admire him and believe in him more than ever. But despite that, the idea of Max as the fa
ther of her child was growing stronger every day. As were her feelings for him, and that might make having his child and remaining uninvolved impossible.
Not long ago she’d thought they’d barely be able to tolerate each other and now she was wondering about asking if he’d have a baby with her. If that’s what a few heated kisses did then she’d better pull on her wet suit for the duration of his time here. It was hard work getting the tight-fitting suit off at the best of times. A passion-killer for sure.
‘I don’t like it when you go quiet.’ Max half laughed, half growled. He’d shared a lot, and now the doubts over his actions would be setting in.
‘Just assimilating everything.’ Glancing across to the lounge, she found him watching her far too closely.
‘It’s a biggie.’ He nodded.
‘Why you? When you were young and fit? A doctor even. Yes, I get that’s irrelevant, but hell.’
‘Thank you.’ He slumped. ‘I thought I was strong, but listen to me whinging like someone stole my ice cream.’
‘Come on, Max. You are strong. You took a massive hit, but you’re here, getting on with life, if not in the way you might’ve once envisioned. I haven’t been in your shoes, but it seems extreme to not want to try for a happy future that includes your own family. If that’s what you want.’ It was becoming important that he did for himself, not her.
‘You’re right.’ He turned away.
The microwave stopped and Lily retrieved the milk, poured it into the mugs and stirred vigorously. ‘Here you go.’ She sat at the table, elbows on top and her chin resting in her hands as she waited for Max to join her. If he joined her.
‘I saw wives and husbands visiting their terminally ill spouses, kids seeing their parents fading away before their eyes. It was horrific. The brave faces, the downright sad ones, the despair and the hope. I do not want to put anyone I love through that.’ He slid onto the opposite chair.