by Sue MacKay
She tentatively sipped the hot drink. ‘Who was with you through those months?’ Did he have siblings? Parents still alive?
‘My sister and her husband were incredibly supportive, my mum stepped up in her own way, making sure I had whatever I needed, which was nice.’ He shrugged. ‘Dad was a surprise. He dropped in for a few minutes every day, said little or nothing and went away again.’
‘A man of few words?’
‘Very few, but he did tell me he was proud I’d become a doctor. At first it hurt he wouldn’t talk about the cancer but after he said that I realised he’d never known how to say what was in his heart. It was a relief really, though I still wish he’d been a little more open with me as a child.’
Talk about making up years of silence. ‘Go, you.’ There was nothing to say that wouldn’t sound trite.
Max gaped, then laughed. ‘Oh, Lily, I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand you.’
Sounded like a great arrangement to her. It might help to remember she wasn’t looking for love again, only a DNA donor. Which didn’t explain why daily that idea was twisting into something new, deeper, and filled with love. ‘We see lots of tragedies in our everyday lives as doctors, but facing it personally... Well...’ she raised one shoulder, let it fall away ‘...I haven’t a clue how I’d react.’
‘That’s another reason I wanted to change direction in my career. Surgeons spend little time with their patients while they’re conscious. Over time GPs see and hear more about what’s behind a patient—family, career or interests, illnesses, mind-sets. I also need a window to look out at the sky and trees and traffic, and that allows the light into the dark corners.’ His eyes were haunted. ‘I like to use the understanding I’ve gained to help my patients through whatever they have to face.’
She touched his hand. ‘You’re incredible. You know that? I bet it still isn’t easy.’ Lily’s stomach tightened. Nothing was. Even if she decided she wanted Max as her sperm donor, she didn’t have the right to ask him. He deserved better, to have his own needs recognised and accepted, not wrecked to satisfy hers. She didn’t want to hurt Max. ‘You’ve had a lot to contend with.’
‘Who doesn’t at some point in their lives? Anyway, let’s drop this. It’s too maudlin, and I prefer being cheerful.’
‘Then drink your chocolate. It’ll put a smile on your face.’ While giving her a moment to move past thinking of Max as a likely prospect for a father. His smile was reappearing, bringing a storm of need rushing through her. One night wouldn’t be enough. One night would lead to trouble, have her wanting to spend more and more time with Max, and then what? As he’d said, the day would come when he’d call it off—if she didn’t first to save her heart like last time. Only this time it’d be harder to do. She was beginning to think Max had always been the man for her, that she’d been in denial even when she’d been with Leo.
Max was smiling. ‘I feel like a child when I drink this. My mum used to make it for me and my sister sometimes.’
Lily’s heart lurched. He’d had it hard, growing up, which explained some of the sadness in his eyes when he was far away. Again she laid her hand over his. This sitting around talking to Max was becoming their new norm. Yet as much as she wanted to know all there was about him, she wouldn’t return the favour. Not yet. Collecting the mugs, she stood and went to rinse them. ‘I’m turning in. It’s early but I’ve got a good book on the go.’
Max leaned back in his chair, stretching his legs under the table and tapping the tabletop with his forefinger. ‘I’m that boring?’ he asked through one of those devastating smiles she lusted after.
‘Not at all.’ But a woman had to do what she could to avoid getting into situations she’d have trouble extricating herself from. Like those kisses. Just thinking about them made her knees weak and her hip press against the bench for support. They’d been moments from heading down the hall to her bed. Max had been hard, pressing against her like he’d never wanted to pull away.
‘I thought not.’ Max stood up. Came close. Lowered his head so his mouth hovered over hers. ‘A goodnight kiss, then?’
Lily swallowed.
‘Yes or no?’ Max whispered.
‘Damn you,’ she growled. ‘No.’
Liar, shrieked her body. I want every bit of him.
But she had to resist. Kissing would lead to making love, and then she’d be in big trouble. She was not ready. Forget the need filling her every moment she was with Max. She could still get hurt. ‘Sorry,’ she whispered, and turned away.
* * *
He opened his eyes wide, studied Lily’s tense shoulders, straight back and clenched hands at her sides. ‘Why, Lily?’
‘Because I am not ready for another relationship.’ She turned back to him, confusion puckering her face. ‘Wrong. I’m not getting into another at all.’
‘I was only thinking of tonight.’
Sadness filled her eyes. ‘I guessed as much, and while that fits with what I’ve just said, I can’t do it.’
He reached for her hand, unwound her fingers. ‘Come and sit down. I don’t want to end tonight on this note.’
She stood staring at him for what seemed a lifetime. Who knew what was whirling around in her mind? But finally she nodded, pulled her hand free and headed for the couch to drop down and grab a cushion, which she held close to her chest.
Slowly sinking down on the chair opposite, Max thought how he was going to talk to her about this without giving too much of himself away. He drew a breath. ‘I didn’t know I’d missed you until that night of the farewell party. Standing in the doorway to Reception, watching you chat to people like you’d known them for ever, it was as though something solid from the past had returned, giving me hope.’
Now she’d be getting ready to kick him out of the house. He hadn’t made any sense at all, except to himself. ‘We had our differences. Yet those are what I missed. You didn’t care what I thought about your opinions, just kept handing them out. It was refreshing, and I didn’t understand that’s what I’d enjoyed until you turned up that night.’
Shut up. There’s explaining and there’s talking far too much.
Her fingers were digging hard into that cushion. ‘Yes, that was Max. The Max I once knew intimately.’ Then she lifted a finger, doubt lingering in her face. ‘But he doesn’t sound like the man I thought I knew.’
‘We didn’t know each other. Not really.’
Lily tensed. The sound of waves hitting the beach filled the room. Light gusts of wind stirred the trees in the back yard and then she relaxed. ‘You used to infuriate me about many things. No doubt I did the same in return.’ Her head tipped back against the couch. ‘In the intervening years I’ve wondered where you were, what you were up to.’
‘Snap.’
Her breasts rose and she slowly lowered her head to lock eyes with him. ‘I had to finish our fling, Max. We were fantastic in bed, no disagreements, all about giving and taking, but I couldn’t see how it could lead to anything but trouble. Our relationship wasn’t that great, except for those few nights, and I didn’t want us ending up arguing in bed.’
He smiled. He couldn’t help himself. ‘We would’ve eventually. It was a given. We both had our own ways of getting through life and they weren’t compatible. I was selfish.’ He was comfortable with Lily in a way he’d never been. He’d told her about the cancer and how it had affected his hopes for the future when he didn’t readily tell anyone. Only his sister and one of his closest friends knew how he’d shut down on wanting a wife and kids. And now Lily did. Who was single and building on her career like there were no other plans for her future. Had her ex hurt her that badly? She’d be a great mum if the interactions with Josie he’d seen were anything to go by. ‘You ever think about having kids? You’d be great at it.’
Lily stiffened, gripping the cushion even harder, pushing back further into the couch
, making a chilly gap between them that did not bode well.
‘Lily? It was a compliment.’ Were there problems for her around having a baby?
‘Thank you,’ she muttered.
From what he could see, her face was now devoid of emotion. Which told him a lot was going on in her head. ‘Talk to me.’
Silence.
He could manage that, too. He waited, forcing the growing tension to back off, ignoring the questions that kept blinking into his mind. There was no point trying to guess what had upset Lily about his statement. He’d only make matters worse.
Her voice was thick, heavy. ‘It’s so strange you should say that tonight.’
That he’d paid her a compliment or that she’d make a great mother? He waited for more.
Lily rubbed her palms together, laid her hands on her knees, went back to holding the cushion. ‘Please hear me out before you comment.’
The seriousness in her voice and face nearly had him telling her she didn’t have to say anything if she didn’t want to. The moment she told him what was on her mind he knew there’d be no avoiding a truth he might not want to hear, let alone accept. But this was a new relationship for them, one where he didn’t poke fun at her and instead listened and helped if possible. ‘Go on,’ he answered with as much gravity as he’d heard in her voice.
‘I do want to be a mother, have a child of my own.’ Her breast rose, held there for a long time. As it fell back into place the words gushed from her mouth. ‘On my own. I’m not interested in another relationship. I’ve had two failures. There’s only so much rejection and hurt I can take.’
He should be pleased to hear she wasn’t interested in a permanent relationship because he’d always know he was safe if they were to continue what they’d started tonight. But he wasn’t pleased. Not one bit. Disappointment rattled him, shocking in its intensity. Why, when he wasn’t going for permanency? ‘Two mistakes doesn’t necessarily mean the next time you fall in love it won’t work out.’
‘I’m not prepared to risk it. Anyway, you’re not meant to be commenting, at least until I’ve finished what I’ve got to say.’ Another pause. ‘This might shock you. I am looking to see if I can find a sperm donor I can agree to. It’s freaky, but I so want to be a mum. If I can’t have a husband or partner who loves me then I’ll go it alone. It won’t be easy, especially as I’ll continue working, but it’s been done before and I’ll manage.’ She drew another breath.
‘You probably think I’m being selfish, that all kids deserve, need two parents, and to an extent you’re right. But there’re plenty of kids out there with one parent and who are growing up surrounded in love and support. That’s my promise to any child I’m lucky enough to have.’
Her eyes hadn’t left him throughout the whole time she’d been talking. Looking to see if he flinched, or flattened his lips, or got angry? Then she should be surprised because he felt nothing but admiration. ‘You’re one gutsy lady.’ It would be hard, lonely and difficult to juggle work and a baby, but if anyone could raise a child alone and do it well, then here she was.
One well-shaped eyebrow lifted and her gaze lightened. ‘Safe answer?’
‘Absolutely.’ Max itched to brush the stray strands of hair that had fallen over her face. ‘Seriously, it’s no surprise about you wanting to take on such a huge project.’ He put a finger to her lips when she made to speak. ‘That’s not being derogatory. This will be a lifelong commitment, more than anything you’ve undertaken before or probably ever will.’ Lily wanted a child, and needed a donor for that to happen.
Was this why he’d given in to the oncologist’s suggestion of saving his sperm in case he changed his mind about becoming a father? But even if he got over his hang-ups and offered his sperm he’d be worried about leaving his child behind later. If he wasn’t prepared to follow through on his feelings for Lily then he sure as hell wasn’t offering to be the genetic father of her baby. ‘I take it you’ve done a lot of thinking and research about this?’
‘Loads.’ Lily relaxed enough to tuck her legs under her backside. ‘You continue to astonish me with your belief in what I do. I only hope you’re right.’
Tonight had been an evening of opening their hearts to each other. Strange how much more relaxed about everything that made him feel. The edginess he’d carried since his treatment had quietened. Not disappeared, but it was definitely less apparent. Long may that last. ‘You won’t let your child down, Lily.’
‘My biggest problem is fear of letting myself down.’
‘Both those men really did a number on you.’ His heart ached for her. How could two men have been so cruel to beautiful Lily? Was he biased, by any chance? Of course he was. The thought of anyone hurting her drove him mad.
‘They did, but I’m over them and getting on with what’s important to me.’
‘You think you’re over them when you’ve altered your dreams for the future because of how they treated you?’
‘That’s enough, Max. I have told you more than I’d once have thought possible. Don’t think it gives you the right to start telling me where I’m going wrong.’ She said it with a smile, but there was steel running through the words. Steel best not ignored.
‘Okay. Think I’ll turn in.’ He wouldn’t get any sleep, but he couldn’t sit here with Lily any longer. She pulled him in, made him hungry. He wanted her beyond reason, yet he also wanted to make her happy, not only in the physical way but in every way possible. That just wasn’t going to happen so it was best he give up now while he was ahead. Ha. Ahead of what? Already his body craved her and his mind taunted him with what could be if he let go the past. Forget being ahead. He was so far behind it was painful.
CHAPTER SEVEN
LILY’S ARMS WERE tense from the vibrations coming from the chainsaw as she sized up another tree that had come down during last weekend’s storm. This one was at the back of the camp where no one usually went. It could stay there for another time, but she needed something to concentrate on that didn’t have anything to do with Max and what she’d told him last night.
Pulling the goggles over her eyes, she chose the first branch to remove and set to work, focusing on the tree and how it was balanced on strong branches and not wobbling as the saw slid effortlessly through her target. The branch fell to the ground. One down. The second one was as easy. A well-sharpened blade made life a lot easier.
She sighed. If only it was as easy to fix the niggling sense of hope for her and Max finding their way to each other. Fix as in get together romantically or get on with their lives separately, not this hovering in between state. They’d come so close to kissing and making love last night that she still couldn’t breathe properly. Her head ached with need, her heavy heart thumped with sadness, and she’d berated herself all night for saying no.
To have said yes would’ve been wonderful, and brought on another headache, only this one filled with worry that she was already on the slippery slide into love and loss and pain. Max was getting to her, and it was getting harder all the time to maintain her resolve not to fall in love again.
But she wasn’t here to think about Max. Attacking the next cut too hard, she slowed, drew a breath and continued more carefully.
A while later she paused to study the pile she’d made. Not a bad morning’s work. Killing the motor, she put the saw aside, relishing the sudden quiet. Then her skin tightened. She wasn’t alone. Spinning around, she relaxed enough to be friendly. ‘Max. Hello.’
‘Morning.’ He sauntered towards her.
She wasn’t fooled. There was a wariness in his gaze, in the way he was tightening and loosening his fingers at his sides. He needn’t worry. She wasn’t raising the subject of last night’s conversations. She’d opened her heart about having a child, and he hadn’t laughed or thrown it back at her. When they weren’t in sexual overdrive they were getting on so well it was amazing. So much so she�
�d had to get away while it all sank in, and she figured where she was going with this. Yet he’d found her and that made her happy. Damn it all. She wasn’t supposed to happy about that. ‘Did you have breakfast here?’
‘Yep. Thought I’d stay out of your way for a bit. Obviously not for too long, though.’ His smile warmed her throughout. ‘How’re you today?’
Happy. Confused. Worried. Happy. ‘Just fine.’ It all came down to Max how good she felt. And confused, and worried, and happy. ‘Aren’t you refereeing a game this morning?’
He shook his head. ‘Everyone’s inside for talks until eleven. Logan suggested I come over and see if you needed help moving this. Looks like I’m too late. Want a coffee instead?’
When she nodded, he picked up the saw and walked beside her towards the camp kitchen.
Loud shouts of laughter reached her ears. ‘Morning break for everyone. Let’s move it.’ She picked up her pace and Max matched her. Kind of in sync. As they were becoming about a lot of things. They’d been fully in sync when they’d made love. Sex, Lily. Not making love. The love word didn’t come into anything to do with Max, then or now. Even if she wanted it to, it couldn’t. He’d made it clear he wasn’t looking for a woman to share his life with. And she’d done exactly the same in different words, for different reasons. Yet it felt as though neither wanted that any more.
He’d make a wonderful father.
She slowed. Yes, he would. But he wasn’t going to be one. He’d saved his sperm. He didn’t want to use it. He might change his mind. He might not. He could be her donor. He’d probably say that was too weird.
Max slowed for her to catch up. ‘Where’ve you gone?’
Wouldn’t he like to know? Probably not. It would be too much. ‘Dreaming of a hot scone soaked in melted butter.’
Max laughed. ‘I hope you’re in luck.’
The plates were still half-full of scones, and the coffee pot in the kitchen for the staff had just been refilled. Sinking onto a chair, Lily stretched her legs and rolled her shoulders. A tightness had built up from holding the chainsaw so long.