by G. Bailey
“Operation Snowman?” He quirks a brow at me.
A big grin crosses my lips as I toss him my bag. “Let’s get wet!”
The guys all stop for a moment to stare at me, then they burst into laughter as Joshua opens the door leading to the balcony.
Fortunately, the amber warning isn’t in full swing because the snow isn’t brutal yet and I can still see perfectly well. It’s difficult not to imagine the snow-covered ground stained in blood, but with tremendous effort, I push those thoughts aside and get to rolling a snowball for the base of the snowman.
Rory stands guard. By the time we get to the head, Mrs Bitch stands in the doorway shouting at us.
“There’s an amber alert—get inside!”
A snowball just misses her, and the students gathered behind her burst into giggles before hiding away. I slide the sticks into the snowman’s side and turn my head just to see another snowball landing above Mrs Bitch’s head. She ducks inside, finally getting the hint, and Joshua tosses a snowball in the air, catching it with his other hand.
“Thought you had a good aim?” Ethan teases him, just as the snow starts to fall again.
“Oh, I do.” Joshua grins, throwing the snowball at him. “Just ask Regan.”
Ethan jumps to the side before the ball hits him. He shoves the carrot into the middle of the snowman’s face and runs after Joshua.
“I hope one of them slips and breaks their neck,” Lucas grumbles at my side, though he’s smiling while thumbing stones over the snowman’s face. “Think that’s us.”
“Nope. One more thing.” I sling Anne’s scarf around the neck and adjust it, aware of Lucas’ eyes on me as I do so. “There. Now we’re done.”
On the first floor, smiling through the window, is Anne waving at us.
I wave back, delighted she can see our little gift to her.
Now she won’t be totally alone up there.
“Get inside!” Mrs Bitch barks at us, and that does it for me.
I grab some snow into my hand and roll it into a ball, tossing it at the old bat. It hits her right in the face, much to the delight of every student present, including Anne. I know I’ll be in trouble later, but seeing Anne laugh makes it totally worth it.
I sit down on the edge of my bed as I watch my best friend run around with her guys, throwing snowballs at each other. The way Josh teases her makes me laugh as I see the pure joy on her face. The way Ethan protects her assures me she will always be safe. Nathan is her home, the place she has always looked for, and finally Lucas.
Lucas is hers. Period.
I may love him, but he was never mine and I knew that the second he met Regan back at the academy. Lucas forgot I’ve known him since we were kids and I know every single thing about him. He was my obsession as much as I became obsessed with my best friend who stuck up for me when no one else did.
My best friend who I can’t protect from her life anymore.
“You must rest, Miss Hopkins,” Mrs Anderson demands and my chest aches at the very thought of looking away from my friends right now. I ignore Mrs Anderson who flusters around and picks up my phone, handing me it. I ring my dad and take a deep breath as I wait for him to pick up.
“Dad, I need you to do something for me when I’m gone.”
“Anything.” My dad’s reply is swift and I love him so much for it.
I take another deep inhale as Mrs Anderson leaves my room. I’m about to do something Regan might never forgive me for: I’m going to tell my dad her secrets. The secrets Regan herself has never even told me before…at least not when she was awake. She talks in her sleep and has done since we were kids, and I’m about to tell my dad every single secret she’s ever uttered. He’s the only one who will be able to save her in the way I always hoped I could. I just hope Regan can forgive me in the end. I only want to help her one last time.
As I begin to tell the story of Regan Hall, a tear slips from my lashes. No matter how bad her past was, I’m going to make sure her future is amazing. Regan is going to get the fairytale ending she deserves, and before I leave her, I’m going to make sure of it.
The snowstorm lasts longer than a few days. After the fifth day, I start to wonder if Mrs Bitch deliberately chose this lodge so that we’d be locked inside and she can drink all the mulled in she wants. But on day six, the last of the wine is devoured, and still no help arrives to dig us out.
Luckily, we have plenty of provisions and the electricity is still going strong. I spend most of my days just hanging out with the guys and trying to distract myself from the thought of Anne upstairs. I still haven’t been able to see her since before we made the snowman. I know things are serious when I walk into Mrs Anderson and Mrs Beach whispering in the kitchen. I’m quickly shoved out of the room, but I hear Anne’s name getting mentioned and the word emergency.
When Mrs Beach takes me aside after dinner, I know from just her expression that Anne isn’t getting better.
“It’s about Miss Hopkins,” she begins quietly, and my heart jumps into my throat. The headmistress of Holly Oak academy has always looked like she’s been sucking sour lemons all day, but for once, her expression is utterly neutral, if not somewhat kind. It terrifies me more. “I know you two are close. Perhaps, tonight, you could sleep in her room with her? I think she would like to see you as I’m sure you would, too.”
I swallow the lump building in my throat, but a quiver catches my bottom lip. I bite down hard in an attempt to hide it and nod, unable to muster any words.
“She’s waiting for you,” Mrs Beach adds, stepping aside and nodding up the stairs. “Go and have a girl’s night. If you need anything, just call for me or Mrs Anderson.”
Blinking the tears from my eyes, I turn back to the guys and explain that I’m going to spend the night with Anne. They’re all supportive and Lucas even walks me to her door. I expect him to say something as we stand out in the hallway, but he just takes me into his arms and hugs me.
Once I watch him climb down the stairs, I reach for the door and quietly step inside. Anne’s bed has been moved to the window since the last time I was in here. She’s lying in bed, gazing out at the snowy mountains and beautiful scenery, but she turns when she hears me close the door. As soon as I see her gaunt face, see how much weight she’s lost in an impossibly quick time, I know why I’ve been brought here. Her bones are so prominent in her face that she looks skeletal in that big bed, puffed up with pillows, blankets, and even an IV that, upon closer look, contains morphine. She’s arrived at death’s door and it’s time to say goodbye. I numbly walk over and drop into the chair beside her bed.
“Please don’t go…”
The words tumble from my mouth before I can catch them.
Anne just smiles at me. “I’ll always be here, Regan.” Slowly, she lifts a trembling hand and I cup it with my own. My tears fall and splash onto our hands. “You know… I hate cliches… but will you promise me something?”
“Anything,” I breathe, my lips trembling.
“You and Lucas. I want you to be together.”
I open my mouth to protest, but she shakes her head, which must cause her a great deal of pain because she lets out a sharp hiss and briefly closes her eyes.
“I’ve seen the way you and Lucas are together.” Her eyes open again and there are tears glazing her long lashes. “He loves you, Regan. I know you have feelings for him, too. I just want… I just want you both to be happy. I was selfish with him even when I knew his heart wasn’t with me. I wanted one dance at a ball, one boy to hold my hand and in my head I could pretend I had an inch of real love in my life.”
“But Anne—”
“No butts. And one more thing, since… since I’m dishing out requests here on the good ol’ deathbed.” Her other hand falls on top of mine and she squeezes me with an increasingly fading strength. “As soon as you can, I want you to move away from home. Get as far away as you can and leave your past behind. Don’t look back. They’ll only try to stop you. F
ind your secret, the one you cry about in your sleep, and find peace.”
I know she’s referring to my parents and my daughter. Only Anne knows how utterly miserable I’ve been since my parents adopted me into their cruel lives.
“How can I do that without you?” Now it’s my turn to close my eyes, and I let my tears fall in a torrent. “I don’t want to live in this world if you’re not here with me. I don’t want to let you go.”
“You have to,” Anne says quietly. “But it doesn’t mean I’m gone forever. You know me. I… I like to hang around like a bad smell…” She laughs and more pain seizes her. “Ow! Why does laughing gotta hurt?”
I help her settle back on the bed where I know she’s more comfortable. Her chest is rising rapidly, her breathing shallow, and speaking alone must take so much out of her. I had no idea she was this sick. She hid it so well. Or perhaps I never wanted to see how quickly I was losing her.
“You know something else?” Her grey lips tilt into a pained smile. “Mum wanted me to come on this trip. We had a long talk about it when I was in the hospital. The doctors said they could make me comfortable there or let me go home. But I just wanted to see my best friend one last time.”
“Oh, Anne!”
I gently crawl up onto the bed with her and nestle into her side. My tears soak her nightdress as she wraps a frail arm around me and kisses my temple. I should be the one comforting her and yet I can’t seem to stop crying. I feel Anne’s tears falling onto my head, too, and we just stay like that for a while, hugging each other and crying until we have no tears left.
“I—I love you, Anne,” I tell her between gasps.
“I love you, too,” she whispers back. “Always have and always will. Please don’t ever forget that.”
“I never will.”
I close my eyes and take a deep shuddering breath. Her coconut scent wraps around me like a weighted blanket. I breathe it in, committing everything about Anne Hopkins to my memory so that I might never forget. Her voice. Her sweet nature. Her bravery. Her kindness and compassion. I don’t know when the day of final farewells will arrive, so I savour this moment, praying I have more time with my soul sister.
As selfish as it is, I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.
Strong arms slide underneath me and lift me up. In my sleepy state, I forget where I am and wrap my arms around Rory’s neck. It’s not until I see Anne lying in her bed, her eyes gaping and unblinking, do I realise what the hell is going on.
“Anne… Anne!” I scream out her name over and over again, but Rory just carries me away. I flail and kick in his arms as hard and fast as I can. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Not yet. Anne… Anne, please don’t go, please don’t go!”
I grab Rory’s shirt and try to tear through to the flesh with my nails. He’s taking me away from her…he’s taking me away from my best friend!
“Put me down! Let me see her!”
He just keeps walking out of the room, and Mrs Bitch from hell closes the door behind her. I scream into Rory’s chest, my wails muffled by his ripped shirt as he carries me back to my own room. The rest of the guys are already waiting for me. Rory sets me down on the bed and I just crumble, breaking down like I ever never done in my entire life. The tears, the shattering wails, seem to claw out from deep within my being and tear me asunder. It’s everything I’ve been holding back finally rising to the surface.
“A-Anne’s gone… She’s really gone…”
Joshua slides behind me on the bed and takes me into his arms. He rocks me softly while Ethan and Nathan rub my legs and Lucas takes my hand. Rory stands beside us, watching, as a single tear rolls down his cheek.
“I… I thought I had more time…. more time with Anne.”
“I know, babygirl,” Joshua whispers, running his hand through my hair. “I know.”
I cry into his neck. “Why is this world so fucking cruel? I have n-nothing left for it to break.”
It’s Rory who answers this time. “You have us, and guess what, wee one?” He crosses his arms and stares hard at me. “We’re un-fucking-breakable.”
The world seems darker, crueller, without Anne here.
Never has that been more obvious than now as I sit beside her parents, staring at the wooden coffin taking my best friend away. The priest talks about Anne’s soul being with God and how she’s at peace now, free from all her pain. Her mother cries softly at my side as the priest asks if anyone wants to speak and I go to stand up, even when I have no idea what to say but a warm hand rests on my shoulder. I look up as Lucas lowers his hand and walks to the stand, clearing his throat while holding a piece of paper.
“I met Anne Hopkins on holiday and she made me scones with jam and cream on top, and from that moment on I was her friend. Anne was sweet and kind, and without a shadow of a doubt everything I strive to be on a daily basis. I am certain I am speaking for each one of us here when I say we will miss Anne’s laugh and how she gave a hand to anyone who needed one and for that, we will all deeply miss her.
Missing someone and remembering them is a way of keeping their souls alive in this world. So I ask every single person here to dance in the memories they have of Anne Hopkins and never forget.”
Tears fall freely down my cheeks as Anne’s mother gets up and hugs Lucas who has tears falling down his cheek, matching mine. His eyes meet mine and I am clueless how to tell him that was perfect, so I smile.
The rest of the funeral is full of hymns and songs until her coffin is lowered down and I realise that is the last time I will be close to Anne ever again. I climb out of my seat the second I’m allowed to and rush to the back of the church and out of the doors. I feel so empty as I endlessly walk past gravestones and towards the forest at the back of the church. The trees blur past like dots in a painting and I only stop when I get to a creek.
On the other side, two small deer lap at the water and their heads shoot up when they see me. A sob catches in my throat as one of the deer’s eyes is the same colours as Anne’s.
“It’s time for you to go and be forever missed,” I whisper to the deer and some part of me feels happiness as the deer runs into the forest, its friend running after it.
I know it’s not Anne…but it doesn’t matter. It was my only way of saying goodbye.
Arms wrap around me and I’m cocooned in Ethan’s scent as he holds me to him, and he isn’t alone. Joshua places his hand on my head, stroking my hair and Rory’s hand rests on my own at the back of Ethan’s neck. Lucas and Nathan sit behind me, stroking my back as Nathan rests his head between my shoulder blades.
If I fall, it seems I’m not alone in the dirt anymore.
Even with Anne gone…I’m not alone.
“They watch you like you are going to disappear at any second.” Anne’s father pats me on the shoulder while the band plays Anne’s favourite songs at the wake. I didn’t hear him sneak up on me. I follow his gaze to my guys sitting around a table, doing exactly what he just mentioned.
“I’m so, so sorry for your loss, Mike,” I tell him and he nods. Anne’s mother and father got divorced years ago but he never stepped out of Anne’s life, he was always there for her even when Anne’s mother remarried. Anne explained that it was a friendly divorce and they are still friends to this day. I’ve always admired her dad. It takes a good man to stick around like that.
“Anne is—” He clears his throat and it hurts my heart. “She was very much like her mother. I almost felt I had given her no genes at all.” He laughs to cover the pain and I do exactly the same. “Anne told me all about you from the first day you met right down to the last. See, I’m a detective as you well know, and if you ever need my help, Regan, you have it. No questions or demands. Anne made me swear to make you this offer and one more thing.”
“Yes, sir?” I shakily ask.
“If you want to disappear, completely, from everyone, even your parents—yes I know who they are—you need only tell me and it will be done.” His serious tone doesn’t match the
smile he plasters on his face. I try to do the same, even when I feel insanely empty inside.
How could he possibly know who my parents really are? He likely doesn’t.
He can’t.
The thought of being taken away from everything is tempting, though. A fresh start with a new identity, a hidden one only me and my guys know about. I could live in the middle of nowhere and be free for once. Really free. If only it was possible. I know too much and my parents would never let me go.
“Anne was amazing at knowing what I might need before I ever knew I wanted it.”
Mike’s smile turns into a slightly proud one. “Now that she got from me. Perhaps my daughter was more like me than I realised.” He looks over his shoulder and then back again. “Do excuse me, Regan. Enjoy the wake.”
“Of course, Mike,” I reply and he nods once before disappearing into the crowd.
Anne has literally given me a ticket away from my life…and I’m never going to be able to thank or repay her. I look out the window at the blue skies. Well, I will certainly try and hopefully, wherever she is, she might hear me as I whisper, “Thank you, Anne Hopkins.”
They say grief gets easier with time. It’s been three weeks since Anne’s funeral and while the pain has dulled a little during the day, it’s still unbearable at night. I guess it’s because, without the guys and classes to take my mind off things, I have time to think. My mind has always been a terrifying place. For the most part, I’m able to distract myself, but lately, my nightmares have been returning, and in each of them is Anne’s dead body and Adam’s bellowing screams.
I’m not really surprised when I wake up screaming for the third night in a row. I kick my covers off and throw my legs over the bed, taking deep breaths in through my nose to calm myself down. Too focused on settling my racing heart, I don’t hear Rory step into my room. It’s not until he’s bending down in front of me and takes my hands into his own.