Shellshock (Spent Shells, #2)

by Hunter, Bijou

  Suppressing her emotions was her only power. She kept the pain down deep and felt nearly nothing. I saw how closed off she was at the roadside stand. It’s not her natural state to be as robotic as the other cult women. Like Anika craving to be wild, Sunny seeks the freedom to feel.

  But after so long of suppressing her emotions, she can’t control them anymore. They tumble out of her, one after another, with no rhyme or reason.

  Right now, I sense she mourns her lost childhood and a mother she no longer remembers.

  I hand an oblivious Anika over to my sister. The child splashes wildly, laughing at how the water goes everywhere. Neri fears Anika will notice her mother crying, and then the girl will cry, and then Neri might cry. My sister isn’t comfortable with her own tears.

  But the water enchants Anika to the point that she sees nothing else. Her cheerful kicking even stirs a chuckle out of the irritated Cobain.

  Holding Sunny against me, I listen to her whisper about her mother.

  “I don’t remember if her name was Jenny or Jennifer. Was her hair dark blond or light brown? What color were her eyes?”

  Unable to answer her questions, I have no words to help Sunny. It’s possible I could locate information about her mother once we’re safely home. But that prospect won’t soothe Sunny now.

  “The pain you feel is a gift,” I whisper against her ear. “You couldn’t mourn your mother at the compound. They tried to steal your love for her. But now you’re free, and the love is returning to your heart. Yes, it hurts, and it will likely always hurt, but feeling that pain is your right. It’s a gift they stole from you.”

  I can’t be sure if my words help. Sunny was a child when she was told to forget her mother. In so many ways, she remains the same ten-year-old who arrived at that compound—still in shock over losing her mother and horrified by the new life forced on her by an evil father.

  Her body grew up, though, and I feel it reacting to my touch. The way she softens in my arms and how her lips graze my bare chest. Sunny is both an adult and a child. That’s why she can’t take charge yet or go wild like Anika does nearby.

  Sunny’s gaze finds me. “What’s a hippy?”

  “I don’t know. We can look it up on the phone.”

  Calmer now, she nods. “Later, when we’re in the room, we can check. I remember my father saying my mom was a hippy. It seemed like a bad thing, but now I think everything they hated must be good. Or at least not bad.”

  “It’s been less than seven days,” I say, swaying with her in the water. “Not even a week of freedom. If you felt no pain or fear, you wouldn't be human. Without being human, you wouldn't feel love and hope. It’s good to be human, even if it hurts right now.”

  “You’re very smart, Kai,” she says, smiling. “Where did you learn to be like that?”

  “My family, school, the world. Now that you’re free, you can learn too.”

  Sunny pulls her gaze from me and looks at where Neri lifts Anika in the air before lowering the child deeper and deeper in the water. Each time, Anika squeals louder and splashes her hands.

  “She really loves the water,” Sunny says.

  “Do you like it?” I ask. “Do you want to play?”

  “I’m not a kid.”

  “Neither am I,” I whisper and let her go as I lean back, “but I love to play.”

  I disappear under the water and reappear with wet hair. Sunny looks around the pool room, nervous about mimicking me. There’s only Neri playing with Anika and Cobain watching my sister. Realizing I’m the only one who sees her, Sunny regains her confidence and dunks her head in the water.

  Once again, she finds a way to smile through the pain. Her daughter’s giggles help, and my wet chest probably offers her a little distraction. For an hour, we goof around like the tourists we’re pretending to be.

  All while Cobain sits like a lump nearby, fingering his gun as if he senses a threat around every corner.

  NERI

  To no one’s surprise, Anika wants a nap after her time at the pool. Sunny also seems wiped out, but I suspect her fatigue is mostly emotional exhaustion.

  Kai calls to the front desk to ask if the room connected to ours is available.

  “If we remain here for an extra day, I suspect you’ll prefer more privacy,” he tells Cobain.

  My lover gestures in my direction. “I’m taking her with me.”

  “You mean next door, yes?” Kai asks without hesitation.

  “Of course. What else would I mean?”

  “I have no idea.”

  Cobain frowns at my brother, but Kai’s focus is on Sunny and Anika emerging freshly showered from the bathroom. While they climb in bed, I wash up quickly before heading to the front desk to pick up our other key. There is no one around the lobby, and I notice only a few cars in the parking lot. The hotel seems nearly empty.

  Returning to the room, I ask Cobain to move next door while I speak to the freshly-showered Kai. My bad-tempered paramour senses he ought to be involved with the conversation, but he also knows we’ll wait him out. Cobain’s lack of patience does him in again and again.

  Soon, he’s next door with Robin while Sunny and Anika doze in bed. The room is so quiet that I take Kai into the bathroom to speak.

  “Papa said his ally will meet us at the safe house.”

  “Yes,” Kai patiently replies, waiting for me to tell him something new.

  “I asked who this ally was. You know how Papa told us stories, and I thought perhaps we’d heard of this man traveling to meet us.”

  “And it wasn’t someone you recognized?” he asks when I fall silent.

  “Papa was very cagey about the man meeting us,” I admit, and my voice betrays my anxiety. “He only said his name was Jonas, and we could trust him. I asked for more details, so we might differentiate this man from the others at the safe house. Papa only shared that Jonas will take care of things.”

  “Why does this concern you?”

  “Cobain has enemies,” I whisper as my hands keep busy by tying my hair into a bun. “It’s why we avoid California. Apparently, this Jonas needs time to travel to the safe house. What if he’s from California?”

  “This country is huge. Jonas could be from anywhere and still need a day to arrive.”

  Sensing my brother doesn’t care, I fight against the tension building in my gut. “Yes, but Papa didn’t want to tell me anything about Jonas. Why would he hide details from us? I worry he hopes to prevent Cobain from knowing the man’s identity.”

  “Neri, what do you think Papa is hiding exactly?”

  “What if Papa knows this man is an enemy of Cobain’s? Do you think he’s willing to sacrifice Cobain to get us safely out of the United States?”

  Kai doesn’t waste time pretending as if our father wouldn’t discard a man like Cobain. When it comes to protecting his family, Papa will sell out anyone.

  “We can’t press him for information,” Kai says after a moment of contemplation. “If Papa’s chosen to hide information, he won’t offer it no matter what we ask. He’s nothing if not stubborn.”

  “We can’t sacrifice Cobain,” I blurt out.

  “He saved our lives,” Kai says immediately. “We owe him.”

  “It’s more than that. Cobain means something to me.”

  Kai takes my hand and holds my gaze. “No matter Papa’s plan, we won’t sacrifice Cobain.”

  “Promise,” I say, tightening my grip on him. “He isn’t fragile like Sunny and Anika, but he needs our protection.”

  My brother gives me a reassuring smile. “I’m not blind. I see the way you are with him and how he can’t stop watching you. With that said, even if you two decided to hate each other tonight, we wouldn’t sacrifice him. These people, even the man Papa is sending, are strangers. Cobain is not.”

  My brother lacks the ability to look me in the eyes and lie. When he promises to protect Cobain, I believe him.

  “I’m sorry Sunny got upset at the pool,” I whisper w
hile messing with his damp waves.

  “She needs to be safe. Only then can she heal and grow,” he says, sounding sad before suddenly smiling. “Did you see how much Ani loved the water?”

  Sharing his grin, I remember how the child trusted me enough to hold her in a new situation. “Her joy even warmed Cobain’s rocky heart. I can’t wait to see her reaction to the ocean.”

  “We’ll need to watch her like hawks. Did you notice how willing she was to jump right in?”

  My brother smiles like a proud father, and I see how he already views himself that way. To think if we had taken a different route on our trip, Sunny, Anika, and Cobain would have never entered our lives.

  No doubt, Mama will call it fate like how Papa found her. She wouldn’t be wrong.

  I leave my brother to watch over his new family while I join Cobain next door. Despite sharing a door with the second room, I use the hallway without thinking.

  “Sloppy,” Cobain grumbles when I enter. “How many eyes do you insist on seeing you?”

  I ignore his bad mood, assuming he’s tired from sleeping in a strange bed. I’ve begun to understand how his mind works.

  “I’ll take this bed,” I say, resting my bag near the one by the window.

  Cobain rolls his eyes and sits against his headboard. I crawl on his mattress and rest against him.

  “Are you agitated because we’re not traveling tonight?”

  “A day in this place leaves us a day behind schedule.”

  Straddling him, I stroke his beard. His hands don’t reach for me. He just glares at my face.

  “Do you want to keep me once this is over?” I ask, challenging myself to endure a possibly painful answer.

  Cobain’s frown doesn’t waver. “Are you looking for promises from a man who only met you a few days ago?”

  “No. I’m hoping to understand your expectations. I would like to grow more attached to you, but I don’t want to waste my heart on someone already losing interest.”

  “Do I seem as if I’m losing interest?”

  As my fingers dance across his furrowed brow, I whisper, “You seem despondent.”

  “Choose a different word,” he grumbles.

  “Cranky.”

  “Like the kid.”

  “She was very happy today.”

  Cobain almost reveals a smile but then decides he’d rather be despondent and cranky.

  “Do you loathe all children or only Anika?” I ask, prodding him with a specific destination in mind.

  “I don’t like children.”

  “Do you never intend to have any of your own?”

  Cobain reacts the way I expect, laughing derisively at my suggestion of him as a father. “Have you gone mad? A few fucks and you’re talking kids again?”

  Sighing, I slide off him but don’t leave the bed. Instead, I rest against the headboard and cross my arms.

  “I’m trying to understand if it’ll ever be safe to open my heart to you, Cobain. I have no interest in a child now, but I’ll want one eventually. As a woman, I must decide how much any man can mean to me. I’m not foolish enough to swoon for them all. I’ve let myself care for you, but I want to know if this is as close as I can allow. Your laughter tells me that we’ve reached a limit.”

  “Now, you’ll pout, no doubt.”

  My eyes surprise me by warming with tears. “I think perhaps women like my mother and Sunny draw a certain kind of man. Or only a weak woman needs a man to save her, and I’ve never been weak. However, I’ve always assumed I could find someone to love me like Papa loves Mama. Of course, I lack the softness or weakness that my mother and Sunny possess. Since I don’t need to be saved, I won’t attract a man like Kai or Papa.”

  “What do you want to be saved for?”

  “I don’t, but I would like to be loved like Sunny is,” I say, closing my eyes and imagining my brother watching over his new family. “Kai wanted her and never wavered. He looks at her in the way my father looks at my mother. I’m not like them, though.”

  “You’re like your father,” Cobain mutters as his irritation loses some of its heat. “So, of course, you won’t be treated like your mother.”

  Wiping a tear from my cheek, I shrug. “I realize that now. Kai and I told our parents that traveling to the United States would help us grow as people. Despite the troubles we’ve found, I’d say we were correct. Kai realized he’s the man he thought he was while I’ve realized I’m the woman I thought I was.”

  “Then what’s with the fucking tears?”

  “I didn’t realize there were any downsides to being this woman. Call me foolish, but I wanted to be strong like Papa yet loved like Mama.”

  “How can I love you?” Cobain grumbles under his breath. “I barely know you.”

  “You’re just a symptom of the problem. Of course, you can’t love me. Not because of who I am but because of who you are.”

  Instantly offended, he growls, “What does that mean?”

  “Your mother was strong but cold. Priscilla was likely the same. You’re drawn to women like them. Women like me, I assume. However, you know women like me can’t give you what you want. Even if you ever truly care for me, I’ll still leave you wanting because that’s who I am, and that’s who you are.”

  “You’re overthinking everything,” he says, rolling out of bed and walking to the window. “It’s your brother and his romantic endeavor with that woman. She’s a stranger, but he thinks he loves her and claims he’ll be a father to another man’s child. He’s a fool, yet you idolize him and his dumbass ideals. That’s why you’re crying. Not because you’re incapable of finding love but because no love will live up to the bullshit your brother claims to feel.”

  “Don’t you wish you might find a woman who awakens that part of you? Perhaps, you need a broken woman you can save.”

  Cobain shoots me a dirty look. “I don’t want to be anyone’s hero or whatever romantic fuckery you have festering in your head. I know you think your parents share a beautiful fucking poem of a relationship, but it’s just as likely that he wanted a partner and picked a broken woman unable to tell him no.”

  “Mama tells him no plenty,” I say, lifting my chin defiantly.

  “Don’t get any ideas of kicking me in the balls again, Neri. I know how you work now.”

  Shrugging, I allow a little smile. “You might be right. My father was a lonely broken man craving someone he could trust with his heart. My mother was a lonely broken woman desperate to be loved. It might have been as simple as they were desperate enough to assign love to each other,” I say and then climb out of bed and walk to my suitcase.

  “However, even if that’s true, they’ve remained together for decades and still crave each other. Is that not a miracle in a world that offers so little beauty? People smarter than my parents have failed at marriage and parenthood. It’s very likely I’ll one day marvel at Kai and Sunny’s long life together.”

  “While you’re alone in a house full of cats,” he grumbles and rolls his eyes.

  “Why would I be alone? I might not be capable of the love my parents share, but I’m plenty capable of finding a husband. I’ve had several very interested suitors. One particular man might work,” I say and then sit on my bed.

  “Not now, of course,” I add. “He’s too needy, and I’m too independent. But in a few years, if he’s still interested, I could see myself marrying him and living a normal life. True, I’d have my secrets, but he seems wise enough not to ask about them.”

  “No man will wait years for you to get your shit together, Neri. You’re hot, but not that hot.”

  “He finds me fascinating,” I say, reclining on my bed and thinking of Manuel.

  “And what do you see in him?”

  “He’s satisfactory. Smart, good manners, doesn’t send my father into a violent rage. Plus, he’s never stood too close to my mother. For some reason, many men feel the need to enter her personal space. She exudes something that makes them suicidal. But
not this man.”

  “Why don’t you use his name?”

  Seeing Cobain’s glare, I fight a smile. “If you join us in Nicaragua, I’m sure we’ll remain lovers for a time. Then when things end, you’ll find someone like Sunny to fill the hole in your heart. I’m certain you and I will still be friends. Of course, your wife won’t want to know we were once lovers. I don’t mind lying. I do it all the time.”

  “You still haven’t explained why you’re afraid to share this man’s name. Is he real, or is this your way of stirring up my jealousy?”

  “You’ve seen all the tricks, have you, Cobain?” I tease as he glares at me. “No, the man is real. I just suspect that you might feel the need to harm, or at the very least, intimidate him when we first arrive in Nicaragua. You like scaring people. Why not intimidate a man seeking to court your current lover? I don’t want you to do anything rash to my possible future husband. Especially to the parts that might create my possible future children.”

  “I don’t care about your pretend boyfriend, Neri.”

  Laughing is a mistake, but he’s so obviously jealous that I can’t help myself. “I hope you like Playa Cielo. There’s quiet if you want it, and people when you’re lonely. Assholes to kill when you’re restless and pretty tourists to fuck when you’re horny.”

  “Fucking paradise, huh?” he growls, coming at me.

  Throwing out my hand, I insist, “No.”

  He pauses his sexual onslaught and mutters, “No, what?”

  “Whatever you want right now, the answer is no.”

  “What if I want to offer you a buffet of orgasms?”

  Waving away such a proposal, I insist, “I’m not interested.”

  “Why, because I won’t profess my love and worship you like Kai does his broken woman?”

  “No, because I’m in a pensive mood, and you’ll fuck all the sense out of my head.”

  Cobain allows a smile. “I’ll fuck you stupid for sure, Neri James.”

  “Later. First, allow me to accept the world as it is rather than how I wish it would be.”