Kilo : being the love story of Eliph' Hewlitt, book agent

by Ellis Parker Butler

  CHAPTER X. The Boss Grafter

  Eliph' Hewlitt was resolved that into this interview no words regardingJarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledge and Compendium of Literature, Scienceand Art should enter. With two such favored rivals in the field, andwith such difficulty in getting into the house as he had experienced, hemeant to get well acquainted in a hurry. Miss Sally sat stiffly in herchair, steeling herself to refuse the request to buy a copy of the book.Her usually attractive face was stern, as she looked at Eliph' Hewlitt,and she watched him suspiciously as he slowly combed his whiskers withhis fingers, as if she feared this was some part of the operation bywhich he was charming her into a hypnotic state in which she would signfor a book without knowing why. She nerved herself to ward off whateverinsinuating words he should first say, and Eliph', as he studied herface, sought words that would advance him at one bound deep into thestate of being well acquainted. It was a trying moment for both.

  Then, so suddenly that Miss Sally almost jumped from her chair, Eliph'coughed behind his hand, and spoke.

  "It seems like it would be as hot to-day as it was yesterday, if itdon't shower before night," he said, and smiled pleasantly as he saidit.

  Miss Sally was taken off her guard, and before she was aware she hadanswered, quite as politely as she would have answered the ministerhimself.

  "It's awful hot," she said. "I guess Kilo's the hottest place on earthin summer."

  "Not the hottest," answered Eliph', leaning forward eagerly. "Youwouldn't say that if you had a copy of Jarby's Encyclopedia of Knowledgeand Compendium of Literature, Science and Art, and studied it up the wayI do. Page 442 gives all the hottest places on earth, with the recordhighest temperature of each, together with all the coldest places, wherethere is the greatest rainfall, and a chronological table of all thegreat famines, floods, storms, hot and cold spells the earth has everknown, from the time of Adam to the present day, with pictures of theJohnstown flood, and diagrams of Noah's Ark. This, with the chapteron the Physical Geography of Land and Sea, telling of tides, typhoons,trade winds, tornadoes, et cetery, explains why and how weather happens.All this and ten thousand other subjects, all indexed from A to Z in onebook----"

  He paused suddenly, appalled to think that he was already far from hisresolve not to mention Jarby's Encyclopedia, and, as his voice stillhung on the last word he had spoken, the doorbell rang, and Miss Sallyjumped up, happy for any interruption. She merely turned her head tosay:

  "I guess I don't want one to-day," and then Eliph' heard her open thedoor, and greet the newcomers as she welcomed them into the hall. Theywere Mrs. Tarbro-Smith and Susan, and, as Miss Sally hurried them up thestairs to remove their dusty hats, she leaned back and called to Eliph':

  "You can get right out the door," she said, "it ain't shut. I guess Iwon't have no more time to spend listenin' to you to-day."

  For half an hour Eliph' waited, listening to the chatter of voices, andthen he quietly stole from the house and stepped gently out of the yard.There was no sense in waiting longer, and he knew it.

  Mrs. Tarbro-Smith, receiving a letter from the editor of MURRAY'SMAGAZINE, had learned at length that Clarence was not typical Iowa, andshe had transferred her field of study to Kilo on his recommendation.She meant to spend the rest of the season there, and hoped Miss Sallywould take her to board. She found that Miss Sally would be glad,indeed, to have her company, and Mrs. Smith did not think it necessaryto mention that she was looking for local color and types. She waspleased when she heard that Eliph' Hewlitt, who had so interested her,was "working" Kilo.

  As Eliph' Hewlitt walked toward the hotel he felt that anotheropportunity had been lost--thrown away--by his inability to avoidJarby's Encyclopedia as a topic, and for one moment he came as neargiving up Miss Sally as he ever came to giving up anything. In thatmoment he saw the simplicity of his courtship, as he had imaginedit would be, resolve itself into a tangled affair, as all these newindividualities entered into it. Instead of being a mere matter betweenhimself and Miss Sally, it was involving men and women, one after theother. It seemed to become a fight between himself, a singer stranger inKilo, and an endless chain of interested citizens. Already there was PapBriggs, who hated book agents; the Colonel and Skinner, who hoped towin Miss Sally; Mrs. Smith, who would serve as a defense against Eliph'sattacks; and, as he walked down the street, he seemed to see in everyman, woman, and child, a possible ally of either the Colonel or Skinner.But he tucked his sample copy of Jarby's under his arm more securely,and braced up his courage. He even whistled as he approached the hotel,but, when he glanced up at the attorney's office and saw Toole and theColonel with their head together, he stopped whistling. If Toole wasgoing to take either side, Eliph' would have liked to claim him. Toolewas a smart man.

  Toole and the Colonel left Miss Sally's with the attorney well pleased,and his enigmatic smile rested on his face as he led the Colonel tohis office. He handed him a chair, and made him take a cigar, and thenturned and faced him.

  "Now," he said, "what are you going to do with thosewhat-do-you-call-'ems?"

  "Them fire-extinguishers?" said the Colonel, licking the cigar aroundand around before lighting it. "Well, I ain't had much time to thinkthat over yet. A feller can't decide on a thing like that all at once.It ain't likely no one in Kilo would buy a fire-extinguisher like them,all nickel-plated, if they had their senses about 'em. 'Twouldn't benatural. I might raffle 'em off, only nobody'd be likely to buy chanceson a fire-extinguisher. I might take 'em down to Jefferson, but Idon't see as that would do much good, nobody'd be likely to buyfire-extinguishers off of me down there."

  "No," said the attorney, turning to his table and looking over somepapers, with an appearance of interest, "No, I guess not. I don't seethat you can do much of anything with them, unless you use them forornaments. It seems a pity that Miss Briggs didn't go to Skinner foradvice about that box, instead of you, doesn't it?"

  The Colonel stopped with a lighted match half way to his cigar.

  "What do you mean?" he asked, red in the face. "Do you mean that puffyold beef-cutter's got more sense than what I have, young man?"

  "Oh, no," said the attorney, carelessly. "Not at all. I wasjust thinking that if Skinner HAD opened that box, and HAD foundfire-extinguishers in it, it would have been a fine chance for him tosay to Miss Briggs, 'Madam, I am building in this town an opera house,known as Skinner's Opera House. The safety of the people of Kilo demandsfire-extinguishers in Skinner's Opera House. I will take those fournickel-plated appliances and install them in my opera house, andallow you ten dollars apiece for them, cash or meat.' But, of course,"continued the attorney innocently, "you can't do that; you haven't builtan opera house."

  The Colonel's little eyes peered at the attorney, and they were filledwith cunning. Across his hard mouth a smile crept and broadened until hehad to lay his hand across it, it was so indecently wide and exultant.

  "Skinner is no fool," continued the attorney. "As soon as he hears thatMiss Briggs has those four things he will probably rush right up to herhouse and offer to buy them. It would be a great feather in his cap withher, if he could get the credit of having thought of it. I shouldn'twonder if he had heard of what was in that box by this time. It seems apity, doesn't it, that he should get all the credit after you have doneall the work?"

  The Colonel looked at the noncommittal face of the attorney, and smiledagain. This was a sort of cunning he could appreciate, and he leanedover and gave Toole a sly poke in the ribs, to show him that heunderstood. Toole looked at him with a blank face, and at this theColonel slapped his knee, and uttered a mirthful noise that was like thesound of a man choking. He clapped his greasy hat on his mat of hair andwent out, pausing at the door to look back and grin at the attorney oncemore.

  Mr. Skinner was trimming a roast. He had just cut off a piece of suet,which he held in his plump red hand as he listened to the Colonel'sproposition to sell him four nickel-plated fire-extinguishers atten dollars each. Perhaps the Colonel spoke too impetuously; t
oocommandingly. Skinner held the lump of suet offensively near theColonel's nose as he answered.

  "Fire-extinguishers!" he laughed. "Me buy fire-extinguishers? I wouldn'tgive THAT for them."

  He shook the suet before the Colonel's eyes.

  "No, sir!" he sneered. "I wouldn't give THAT for them. And I throw thataway!"

  "Skinner," said the Colonel, growing dangerously red in the face, "don'tyou shake no meat in MY face like that! Don't you dare do it! I won'thave no butcher shake meat in MY face. You low-down beef-killer. That'sall you are, a beef-killer."

  "Mebby," admitted the butcher indifferently. "Mebby I am, but I don'tbuy no fire-extinguishers. And I don't take much stock in agents forthem, neither. No. Nor in gold bricks. Nor green good. No."

  The Colonel raised his fist and brought it down on the butcher's counterso hard that the meat scales danced, and the indicator jerked nervouslyacross the face of the dial, weighing a half pound of anger. The butcherleaned back against the shopping block, and gently caressed the handleof his cleaver. He pointed to the door with his other hand.

  "Git out!" he said, and the Colonel scowled but went.

  On his way home the Colonel bethought himself of a good excuse to stopat Miss Sally's. He had left his ax there, and he went to the backdoor, this not being a formal call. Miss Sally came to the door when heknocked, and brought him the ax, and he took the opportunity to say abad word for Skinner, and he was astounded to find that she sympathizedwith Skinner on his refusal to buy the fire-extinguishers.

  "I don't wonder at it," she said, "seeing he has put so much money onthat opery house already. He's done a lot for this town that nobody elsewould ever have thought of doin'. Mr Skinner's a very public-spiritedcitizen, and to think he made it all out of sellin' meat! It must be agood business. I guess you'll have to excuse me now, Colonel Guthrie,I've got visitors down from Clarence."

  The Colonel's steps dragged as he walked home. Never had Miss Sallysaid so many good words for his rival. She had almost rebuffed his goodoffices in the attempt to sell the fire-extinguishers, and had praisedSkinner to his face.

  Early the next morning he "dropped up" into the office of AttorneyToole, and as that young man lay back in his chair, with his feet onhis desk, he told him the whole story. The attorney smiled. This was thekind of split in the ranks of the Citizens' Party that he had hoped topromote.

  "After that, Colonel," he said, when the Colonel had told him thatSkinner had ordered him out of the shop, "you ought to MAKE him buythem."

  "I wisht I could, dog take him!" cried the Colonel. "I'd like to makehim eat 'em."

  "Colonel," said Toole, "I see you are, as always, guided by a spirit ofconservative kindness. You hesitate to force that butcher to do what hedoes not want to do. The feeling does you honor, but is it business? Youhesitate even when you see how easily you could force him to do what heis in duty bound to do to protect the lives of our trustful citizens.I admire your gentleness, but I deplore your unbusinesslike moderation.You lack public spirit."

  The Colonel grinned savagely. He felt that the attorney was teasing him,but he could not quite tell how.

  "You," said Toole easily, "knowing that our town council can, andshould, pass an ordinance compelling all owners of opera houses toinstall nickel-plated fire-extinguishers--to install four of them ineach opera house in Kilo--for the protection of our people, hesitate toask them to pass such an ordinance. You hesitate because you do not wishto appear malevolent toward a rival. Now, don't you?"

  "Me be kind to that fat, pig-stealing, sausage-grinding----" snorted theColonel, but the attorney stopped him with a lifted hand.

  "Just what I said," exclaimed the attorney. "You are too kind; tooconsiderate; too regardful of his feelings. But would he be so kind andconsiderate and regardful of your feelings, if he was in your place?"

  He lowered his feet and his voice, and placed his hand on the Colonel'sknee.

  "No!" he whispered hoarsely. "No!" he cried loudly and defiantly. "No!He would not! He would use the influence you have with the citycouncil and the mayor to have an ordinance passed making YOU putfire-extinguishers in YOUR opera house, and compel YOU to buy them ofHIM. But you will not use your huge influence with Mayor Stitz and thecity council. You hesitate."

  Toole shook his head sadly; he almost wept out the last word, he seemedso heartbroken to see the Colonel hesitate.

  "Why hesitate?" he asked. "If I were not a stranger in town, as I maysay, I should beg you not to hesitate. I should beg you to act. I shouldbeg you to think of the lives of poor, helpless women and children. Ishould beg you, for humanity's sake, to go to the honorable mayor andcity council, and appeal to them to pass an ordinance compelling thisSkinner to buy nickel-plated fire-extinguishers. To compel him, Colonel!But I have nothing to say."

  He shuffled the legal-looking papers that littered his desk. TheColonel's eyes had narrowed to fine points of hate-instilled cunning asthe attorney proceeded.

  "What have we come to," asked the attorney sadly, "when the leadingcitizens of a town like Kilo neglect their duty? Are there no truecitizens left to show the mayor and city council their plain duty?"

  When the Colonel had the thing put to him in this light he did nothesitate. He knew Stitz, the mayor, and he knew that Stitz had fullcontrol of the city council. What Stitz told it to do the city councildid, and the Colonel believed he had a right to dictate what Stitzshould tell it, for he had suggested the name of Stitz as candidate formayor, and, with Skinner, had helped elect him. He went at once to themayor, and laid the case before him.

  Mayor Johann Stitz was an honest, upright shoemaker, and owned his ownbuilding. It had once been a street car in Franklin, and when the horsecars were superseded by electric cars, Stitz had bought this car atauction, and had paid ten dollars to have it hauled to Kilo. It had notbeen a very good car when it left the shops before it made its firsttrip, and the ten years of running off the track and being boosted onagain had not improved it much. It was in pretty bad shape when Stitzpicked it up for eighteen dollars, and it had deteriorated greatly sinceit had been doing duty as a cobbler's shop, but Stitz liked it. The tinycar stove that stood midway of one of the seats was all he needed incold weather, and the seats along the sides were a continuous spread ofcobblers' seats. He could cobble all the way up one side of the car andall the way back the other, and when he had customers waiting he alwayshad a seat to give them. He and the whole city council could hold acaucus in the car, and all have seats, and in the evenings he could takea stool out on his front or back porch and smoke a pipe in peace. Hiscar stood side by side with the round topped wagon of the travelingphotographer, who had not traveled since his felloes gave out on thatvery lot six years before.

  The city officers of the Citizens' Party, being of an independentpart, were so independent that they were worried and chafed by theirindependence. No one but a man in office knows the real blessedness ofhaving the set beliefs and an traditions of a regular party to fallback upon. The independence of the independents made their work moredifficult; it compelled them to decide things for themselves, and theneverybody complained of what they did. No independent is ever satisfiedwith what another independent does, and they lost even the satisfactionof knowing that they were pleasing their own part, which a properlyservice Democrat or Republican is rather apt to be sure of. In thisstate of things the six councilmen had thrown their burdens of decisionto Stitz. They cast the whole burden on him, saying, "Ask Stitz. He'smayor. What he says, we'll do." And Stitz never would say.

  As the Colonel entered the mayor's shoe shop Stitz was reading amagazine, which he laid beside him on the car seat while he listenedto the Colonel. A pile of similar magazines lay beside him on the seat.They were the missionary offerings of Doc Weaver, who was interestedin whatever was latest in religion, government or popular science. Theywere magazines telling of the municipal corruption of "New York, TheVile," "Philadelphia, Defiled but Happy," "Chicago, the Base," and "St.Louis, the Decayed." Doc Weaver had given
them to Mayor Stitz to showhim the evil of graft, and to keep his administration clean and pure.

  When the Colonel had laid before the mayor his request for an ordinancecompelling all opera house owners in Kilo to install and maintain fournickel-plated fire-extinguishers in each opera house, the mayor beamedon him through his iron-rimmed spectacles.

  "Ho! Ho-o!" he exclaimed, "it is to make Mister Skinner buy somefire-extinguishers, yes? So shall my city council pass an ordinance,yes? Um!"

  He smiled broadly at the Colonel, and then nodded.

  "For how much you graft me?" he asked blandly.

  "What?" asked the Colonel.

  "Graft me," repeated Mayor Stitz. "I say for how much you will graft mewhen I shall pass one such ordinance my council through?"

  "What's that?" asked the Colonel, puzzled.

  "For how much you will make me one graft?" Mayor Stitz repeated slowly."Graft! Graft! Understand him not?"

  The Colonel shook his head.

  "What is it?" he asked.

  "Graft! Graft! Graft!" exclaimed the mayor with annoyance. "Don't youknow him? When I make you one ordinance to pass, so, then you make meone graft, so! Like I read me in this book. Me to you, one ordinance;you to me one graft. So!"

  A look of dismay came over the face of the Colonel, as he frowned atthe smooth, honest face of the mayor, from which beamed eyes of childishhonesty and frankness.

  "Here in this book," said the mayor slowly and distinctly, like oneexplaining some simple thing to a child, "I read me of this graftbusiness. It is to me this graft comes. So it is by all big cities. Manwould have one ordinance. Goot! In every town is such one boss grafter.To the boss grafter gives the ordinance-wanting man a graft. So! Thenfor the ordinance-wanting man does the boss grafter get one ordinancemade like is wanted. Yes! So, it is; no graft, no ordinance! Some graft,some ordinance! I read him in this book Doc Weaver gives me as a lessonto go by. It is a goot way. I like me that graft business."

  A glimmer of the meaning entered the Colonel's mind, but he could hardlyconnect the idea of graft with the honest Johann Stitz. As a fact, toMayor Stitz the idea of unlawful gain did not come. Graft was a way outof the difficulty of having to decide things. It was a system authorizedby the lawmakers of great cities, and a system that could operatein Kilo. Whenever Stitz and his council passed an ordinance someonecomplained, and upbraided him; he saw now why this was; they had notused the approved system. But the Colonel still frowned.

  "Well, what--how much do you want?" he asked.

  Mayor Stitz turned up his innocent face and smiled blandly again.

  "That makes not!" he exclaimed. "In the books it says much money, butis not yet Kilo so gross as New York. We go easy yet a while. It is whatyou want to graft me. One bushel apples--one bushel potatoes--that YOUmust say."

  The Colonel moved closer to the mayor. He thought of Miss Sally, and ofSkinner.

  "I will make you a present of a bushel of apples," he said.

  The mayor laid down his magazine and arose. As the Colonel watched himwith surprise, he removed his leathern apron. The Colonel folded hishand into a fist, but on the pleasant face of Mayor Stitz there was nosign of anger; no sign of righteous indignation; only a bland look ofsatisfaction.

  "Well," inquired the Colonel impatiently, "will ye put the ordinancethrough, or won't ye?"

  The mayor looked at him with surprise in every feature. Clearly thisColonel did not understand the first rudiments of graft.

  "First I must go by Mr. Skinner," said Stitz simply. "Mebby he grafts memore NOT to pass such an ordinance."

  "Look here, Stitz," said the Colonel in alarm. "You ain't goin' to dothat, are ye?"

  "Vell," said the mayor, "still must I do it! So always does the bossgrafter. Which side grafts him the most, so he does. It is always so,never different. To the most grafter, so goes he. I read it in thisbooks. When the boss grafter does not so, what use is the grafts? Howthen does he know which he shall do for, the ordinance-wanting man, orthe ordinance-not-wanting man?"

  The Colonel tried to argue with him, but the mayor was obdurate. Hewould not budge from the highest principles of graft, and, as theColonel had gone too far now to recede with honor, he secured the bestterms he could. The most he could obtain was a promise that the mayorwould not mention any names, nor so much as hint that graft had beenpromised. He uneasily awaited the mayor's return.

  Stitz returned radiant. He was rubbing his hands and beaming.

  "Fine!" he exclaimed. "Fine! I make me one boss grafter yet! MisterSkinner grafts me one roast beef and six pigs' feet. He ain't muchliking those fire-extinguishers to have. How much more will you graft menow?"

  The Colonel looked the mayor squarely in the eye.

  "Stitz," he said, "I ain't goin' to run no auction with that thereSkinner. I come to you first, an' I was the first to say I'd make youa present, an' you ought to pass that ordinance anyhow. But to shut upthis thing right here an' now, I'll do this: if you'll say you'llpass that ordinance like I want, so Skinner'll have to buy them fournickel-plated fire-extinguishers that Miss Briggs owns, at twenty-fivedollars each, I'll give you four bushels of Benoni apples, two bushelsof Early Rose potatoes, four bunches of celery, a peck of peas, andone spring chicken. And if you won't" he added, raising his handthreateningly, "I'll go to them six councilmen, an' I'll graft 'emone at a time, an' THEN where 'll your boss grafter be? You can't helpyourself."

  "Say!" he exclaimed, "ain't I a boss grafter? Apples, potatoes, celery,peas, and chickens! Five grafts for one ordinance! I do it!"

  "An' don't you say nothing about it," warned the Colonel.

  The Colonel thought there would be no harm in making a little commissionfor himself on the deal. It was not as if he had done nothing to earnit. He would have to furnish the produce for the mayor's "graft," andhe had secured the services of Toole free of fees, and he was doing MissSally a good turn into the bargain. If Skinner was compelled to buy thefour fire-extinguishers at twenty-five dollars each Miss Sally couldafford a commission of ten dollars each, and forty dollars were alwaysforty dollars to the Colonel.

  The mayor kept his promise. At the next meeting of the council theordinance was proposed, and hurried to a third reading by suspension ofthe by-laws, and the next day Stitz signed it. There was some oppositionat the council meeting, for Skinner was present, and wanted to talk,but the marshal was present, too, and at a word from Stitz, he helpedSkinner down the stairs, but gently, as a marshal owing a considerablebutcher's bill should.