by Claire Raye
“My name is Ed Warwick,” he says. “And I’m your lawyer.”
I flinch at his words and he obviously takes this as a sign that I don’t understand.
Smiling, he continues. “Ruby’s father called me and asked me to come and help you,” he explains and my heart sinks at his words as my head falls to the table.
Ruby’s dad knows about this. Fuck. It’s bad enough that Ruby had to see it, but to involve her parents. How the fuck am I ever going to face him now? And it’s not just him helping me out in a way that I’m never going to be able to repay, it’s that he also knows what I did tonight, knows about the line I crossed that I can never come back from.
“Caleb.”
I lift my head again, wishing I were anywhere but here right now.
He smiles at me. “This is going to be okay.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “Is it?”
Ed nods. “Yes. I know it may not seem like it, but it will be. And I’m here to help you, but the only way I can do that is if you tell me what happened.”
I scrub my hands down my face, ignoring the pain and blood on my right one. “I think it’s pretty obvious what happened.” Ed clears his throat but says nothing, as though he’s waiting for me. Eventually I pull my hands from my face. “What?”
He offers me a small smile before he reaches for a pen from inside his jacket. I watch as he clicks it once and pauses, hovering over the paper. “I don’t,” he eventually says, glancing up at me. “I think there’s a lot more going on here and I’d like you to let me help you sort it out.”
I stare back at him, wondering if he really is here to help me or this is some kind of trap. Maybe Ruby’s dad is so pissed off about what happened, what I’ve done, that he’s sent this guy to fuck with me, screw me over so I wind up in even more trouble than I already am.
But then that’s probably what I deserve anyway. I sure as shit don’t deserve redemption. I don’t deserve to be rescued either.
And as I open my mouth and start to speak, I’m absolutely positive I don’t deserve Ruby.
After what feels like forever, Ed clicks his pen and puts it back in his pocket. He’s asked me a million questions, writing everything I said down with nothing more than an occasional follow-up question if he needs to clarify something. There was no judgement on his face or in his voice, but I know that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
“Okay,” he starts, folding his hands on the table and meeting my gaze. “Here’s what’s going to happen now. I’m going to talk to the police. You’ll be charged with assault, but that’s not going to stick. We’ll deal with that one tomorrow. The first thing we are going to do is get you out of here so you can go home and get some rest and get cleaned up. I want you to get a good night’s sleep so we can talk more tomorrow. Sound good?”
“Charged?” I ask, wondering what the fuck that means exactly.
Ed nods. “You’ve been arrested, Caleb. Given what happened tonight, you will be charged, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be convicted or that we can’t get the charges dropped. We need—”
“Seriously?” I say, my tone almost condescending. “I literally bashed a guy.”
Ed holds up a hand. “First up, you are not to admit to that or say anything about what you think you did. Do not speak without me in the room, ever, and even then, only do so when I tell you to. You’ll only answer the question presented to you and nothing more, got it?”
I stare back at this guy, wondering if he actually knows what he’s getting himself into here.
“Caleb,” he says, his voice firm. “Got it?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Alright,” he says, standing. “Let’s go.”
I stand up and follow him to the door, watching as he knocks once before it opens. After he speaks to someone outside, I’m led from the room and taken somewhere else where I’m photographed and fingerprinted. At some point, someone tells me what I’m being charged with, asking if I understand and all I can do is look at Ed and say yes when he nods at me.
Because the truth is, I don’t really understand it at all. I have no idea what the fuck came over me, why I reacted the way I did when I saw that asshole standing outside Ruby’s window.
I mean yeah, it disgusted me what I saw, and it makes me wonder just how long the fucker has been doing it. But to react like that, to do what I did. Who was that person?
“Here,” Ed says, his hand on my elbow as he leads me to a small bathroom so I can wash my hands. Inside, I move silently to the sink, while Ed leans against it, watching me.
I stick my hands under the faucet, washing off the blood, which splashes in the sink before disappearing down the drain. When my hands are clean, I cup them together and splash water on my face, before finally looking at myself in the mirror.
I don’t even recognize the man staring back at me.
He looks like a stranger, a shell of a human being, with vacant eyes that are surrounded by dark shadows.
What the fuck has happened to me?
I watch the water drip from my face, my eyes searching for some sign of the person I used to be. But he’s not there and as I finally lift my eyes to the ones staring back at me, I see it.
He’s gone. The old Caleb is gone.
“Fuck,” I whisper, as my reflection suddenly becomes blurry.
Bending my head, I cup another handful of water and splash it on my face again. When I lift it this time, Ed is standing beside me, a couple of paper towels in his hand. I take them from him, drying my face off as he says, “We’ll get through this, Caleb, I promise you.”
I glance up at him, swallowing hard as I say, “Will we?”
He nods once, offering me a smile. “Yes. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I promise I will help you out with this. And tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep, things will be better.”
I scoff at his mention of a good night’s sleep, wondering if I should tell him I didn’t always have those before this happened and there’s not a chance in hell I’ll be having one tonight. Especially without Ruby beside me.
God, fuck, Ruby.
How the fuck am I going to get through this without her? Because there’s no way she’s going to stick around after this, not after what I’ve done.
“You ready to go?” Ed asks, moving so he’s standing beside me.
I look at him and see the kind face staring back at me, eyes that don’t hold any judgement or pity. “I don’t know,” I admit, swallowing hard. “Where am I supposed to go?”
He smiles now. “Home, Caleb.”
My head falls as I let out a sob that I quickly disguise as a cough. Home. Where the fuck is that anymore? I don’t have a home. I’m not even sure if I have a family either. Jesus, Sie and Reid, what the hell are they going to think of me and what I’ve done?
I feel a hand as it grips my shoulder, squeezing gently. “They’re all out there waiting for you, Caleb,” he says softly. “They’re waiting to take you home.”
I nod, moving past him without looking at him. I hear him move quickly, reaching for the bathroom door and opening it. I walk through and pause, waiting for him to lead the way and then the two of us walk silently out of the station.
I feel the judging eyes of a million strangers as I walk past with my head down, as though I’m already admitting my guilt. I’m not sure how I could possibly deny it anyway. I know what I did. People saw me do it. A man is beaten to shit because of me.
I pause as soon as I think it, because I still don’t know what the hell happened to that asshole.
“Ed,” I say quietly.
Ed turns to me, a questioning look on his face.
“The um, the guy I—” I stop at the look he gives me, his eyes quickly flicking around the room.
“He’ll be fine,” he says quietly before turning and walking toward the front reception area.
I exhale a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding and follow him out, nervous about seeing my sister, my best friend and Ru
by.
As soon as I walk out though, Sienna jumps up and runs to me, throwing her arms around me, her mouth at my ear as she whispers apologies and reassurances that I don’t deserve. I see Reid watching us as he walks over, a soft smile on his face as he steps up and wraps his arms around the two of us, just like he did back at the safe house in Rhode Island.
“Are you okay?” he asks quietly.
“No,” I choke out.
I feel his hand on my back, hear his voice as he says, “We’ll get through this, Caleb, just like we always do. The three of us, we’re not going anywhere okay, we have your back.”
I have to squeeze my eyes shut just so I don’t start sobbing as he and my sister hold me.
Eventually they slowly pull back, moving to the side as I turn and face the one person whose reaction I can’t predict, but who I so desperately want to wrap me in her arms.
Ruby.
Chapter Three
Ruby
We stand staring at each other, suspended in a moment that should be private, but has the prying eyes of what feels like the world on us. Caleb is a wholly private person to begin with and this exposure has to be completely ruining him. The police now know what happened in Rhode Island, they know what happened here, and with a lawyer involved, he has access to everything Caleb has kept as a well-guarded secret.
My heart is shattering in my chest, but it’s nothing in comparison to what he’s going through and I know he needs me. Without thinking about what anyone will say or how anyone else will react, I walk over to him.
It feels like the world is moving in slow motion, and despite the small distance between us, reaching him feels miles away. When I finally do, I don’t wait, I don’t stop and ask, but instead, I wrap him in my arms, pulling him close. My body is small and my arms thin, but I cover him with everything I have and he melts into me. With his face buried in my neck, I can feel the wetness of his tears and as much I want to leave, he’s clinging to me with a fierce desperation.
“It’s okay,” I whisper, shushing him a little, but it does nothing to calm the chaos I can feel radiating from him. I need to get him home and out of this environment.
As much as I don’t want to pull away from him, we can’t stand here outside the station trying to cope with what happened, and this is not the place to ask how it all transpired.
“We need to go,” I tell him, my hand resting against his cheek. His eyes are swollen and bloodshot, almost sunken in and unresponsive. He’s lost.
I look over at Reid and without words he goes to retrieve the truck, leaving Sie, Caleb and me waiting. I turn to Ed and give him a grateful smile. I don’t know him, but he knows who I am and he knows my father. It’s the reason he dropped everything to come and help us.
Sie guides Caleb over to the curb as they wait for Reid and I walk over to talk to Ed. I have no idea what to say to him, but I need to say something. He’s come here in the middle of the night to help us when he didn’t have to.
“Ed, I’m Ruby. You went to law school with my dad,” I say, my approach casual, but my words are laced with apprehension.
“Of course, I recognize you, Ruby,” he replies with a jovial quality to his tone and it makes a weak smile pull at my lips. “Your dad talks nonstop about you and your sister.”
I have no idea what it is about what he’s just said, but it causes me to break down, tears now streaming down my cheeks. I cover my face with my hands, sobbing into them as Ed rests a heavy hand on my back.
“It’s going to be okay, Ruby,” Ed says. “This isn’t the first time I’ve seen something like this on a college campus. It happens more often than you would think.”
Ed has no idea what led to any of this and how far this sets Caleb back in his recovery. This isn’t just a drunken college kid taking something too far. What came out in Caleb when he saw Professor Keller in our alley was an act of vengeance; something he firmly believed would end his emotional pain. Something he hoped would validate everything he’s been through, but in reality, all it did was add to his wounds.
Seeing Professor Keller outside out my bedroom window was the epic trigger that caused Caleb’s overreaction to the situation. He isn’t equipped with the ability to separate out what happened to him with Reid’s dad and what he believes will continue to happen if he isn’t always on the defensive. While what Professor Keller was doing was gross and wrong and disgusting on so many levels, Caleb’s handling of it was something he’s now going to have to live with.
He firmly believed my life was in danger, that Professor Keller would’ve taken things to the next level if he hadn’t been there. And while no one can possibly know the answer to the what-if scenario that played out in Caleb’s mind, he was firmly rooted in a place that told him to defend.
“Caleb has PTSD,” I admit quietly behind the comfort of my hands, my words muffled.
“Combat?” Ed asks, with a bit of confusion as we both now look over at Caleb.
“No. He was attacked in his house…” I stop, pausing to gather my thoughts, but Ed picks up in my silence.
“That changes quite a bit about this situation. It explains his reaction to finding someone outside your home.” He purses his lips and gives his tongue a click before rifling through the leather bag he’s holding. He pulls out a card and hands it to me. “Help him get in touch with this woman. She’s a therapist I recommend to my clients. It will be easier for us to get the whole thing dropped if he…” His words take a brief pause, searching for what to say without it sounding like going to a therapist is the easy way to get his charges dropped. “Just have him get started,” Ed now says with certainty and all I can do is agree.
It feels like it takes forever to get home, the traffic is heavy, but the air in the car is heavier. The silence weighs on all of us, no one knowing exactly what to say and Caleb stares out the window almost catatonic. Reid pulls the truck up in front of the house and with my hand resting on Caleb’s arm, I whisper that it’s time to get out.
“What?” he says, finally saying something more than muttered apologies and garbled thoughts.
“We’re home,” I respond, keeping my voice low and my words comforting. I push a smile to my lips, but it’s obviously forced. Everything about this interaction feels fake. I’m trying too hard to make Caleb think that being home will now end this nightmare.
I know better than this. Our home is now a trigger. The alleyway will always be where he beat up Professor Keller, where he will always question what lurks in the darkness. But I still lead him out the door and up the front steps with Reid and Sienna pulling the truck around to the alley after we’re inside.
Without words, I take his hand in mine, his knuckles scabbed and still a little bloody, as I lead him into the bathroom.
We don’t talk. No words need to pass between us to know how we’re feeling. The heartbreak and the anguish, the worry and the fear, grip us like a vice. I can feel it in my soul, in my movements and in my heart. The darkness that blankets Caleb is so thick I feel like I could touch it and as I remove his shirt, I rest my hand over his heart.
I feel the slow steady rhythm tapping under my palm and for a few seconds it reminds me he’s alive and well and we can fix this. I move my hand and press a kiss to the same spot and I hear Caleb’s breath catch in his throat, a choked back sob that he doesn’t want to let out.
But I want to hear it.
I reach back and turn on the shower, the water drowning out the sounds in the bathroom, giving us the privacy I know he’s craving.
“I can go,” I say, as I begin to clean the broken skin on his knuckles with soap and warm water from the sink. “But I don’t want to.”
“Stay,” he mutters, collapsing on the toilet, his hand in mine still as I finish cleaning off the blood. There are no more words exchanged between us as I undress and Caleb does the same, but this isn’t the undressing we’re used to. This is comfort and peace and the admittance of weakness and needing help.
Caleb st
eps into the shower first and I follow behind. He lets the water fall over him as I wrap my arms around him, my head resting on his back. I can feel his body shudder, the angry sobs leave his body in deep heaving breaths.
He turns in my arms, facing me now, his head dropping to my shoulder and everything about his posture and his demeanor is a silent cry for help. His body has been fighting a war within itself for so long and this is what it looks like when it finally breaks free, when he finally falls apart.
This whole time he’s been here, building his life back, working and starting a relationship with me, he’s just been surviving, not healing and I should’ve recognized this.
The simple innate things we all grow up learning; that we’re safe and people are good, and we can trust others, were already missing from Caleb’s life long before everything happened with Reid’s dad. But all these things were then compounded when he was attacked.
There’s so much more to deal with than just what happened with Professor Keller. It goes back a hell of a lot further than that. Closing my eyes to what he’s dealing with won’t make it go away and that’s what I’ve been doing all this time. I will be his voice now. I will fight for him when he can’t or won’t.
We stand together, wrapped in each other’s arms and I just hold Caleb as he cycles in and out, his body never really coming down from the adrenaline rush.
He doesn’t move away from me, his hands holding me so tightly like he fears I could disappear at any moment as he says, “It’s not my past. It’s my fucking present. It’s every day of my fucking life.” I can hear the fear and the rage in his words, the tightening of his grip on me, and the scrape of his stubble as he clenches his jaw.
I don’t know how to respond to him but staying silent seems wrong. It feels like I haven’t done enough to acknowledge his trauma and if I continue to ignore his small cries for help, I’m doing him no good by being here.