by Claire Raye
“I have the number of a therapist that Ed gave me. We can go together. I can go with you even if I just sit outside and wait for you.” I try my best not to be pushy or forceful, or to even make him feel like he has to go through this alone, but what I say still doesn’t feel like enough. “Sie can go too. There’s more here than just what happened with…” I don’t say Professor Keller’s name out loud, asking myself if it could be a trigger.
All of this is like navigating an unknown place in the dark, but maybe that’s been our problem all along. Too much tiptoeing around, wondering if I’ve said too much or too little. Now it’s time to just say it all.
“There’s more here than what happened with Professor Keller and Reid’s dad, Caleb,” I now say, steeling up the courage to be bold enough to crush the eggshells we’ve been walking on. “None of this is your fault.”
I run my hands up and down his back, kissing his lips, his cheeks, his eyes, in the softest of gestures, in a way that tells him he’s worthy of having his life back.
“You’re loved, Caleb. You deserve to be happy and what happened tonight wasn’t you. It was your trauma. That person in the alley, it wasn’t you.”
“Stop, Ruby,” he moans, his chest heaving again with grief and anger, the sobs returning.
“No, Caleb. I won’t stop. I won’t ever stop because I love you.” I place my hands on the sides of his face, forcing him to look at me, forcing him to see me, forcing him to hear me. “I love you, Caleb.”
Chapter Four
Caleb
I want to believe her. I want to desperately believe what she’s saying to me. But how the fuck can I? How can she possibly mean it after everything I’ve done? After everything she’s seen?
“Are you listening to me, Caleb?” she says, her hands still holding my face, not letting me look away from her as though she knows exactly what I’m thinking.
I swallow hard, nodding once as I drop my eyes, unable to watch the way she looks at me or face the truth I see in her eyes.
“I love you,” she whispers again, pulling me closer as her lips brush against mine. “I love you.”
Another sob escapes and I pull her closer, burying my face in her neck because I just can’t handle this right now. Not because I don’t feel the same way about her. I do, I really fucking do. But because I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve her or the love she gives me.
“Come on,” she eventually says, gently easing me back. “Let’s go to bed.”
We get out of the shower and dry off, neither of us saying another word. With towels wrapped around us, we walk back to her bedroom and I grab some boxers, pulling them on before turning to her. “I’ll sleep on the couch,” I say, jerking my thumb at the door.
Ruby shakes her head once as she walks over and takes my hand, her grip strong. “No, you’re sleeping here, with me,” she says firmly, tugging me toward the bed. “Where you belong.”
I let her take me, sliding between the sheets as she moves closer and wraps her arms around me, her head resting on my shoulder, just like it always does. The room is silent, the only sounds coming from somewhere else in the house as Reid and Sienna move around in the living room.
Eventually it stops, a quiet calm descending over the house, despite the craziness that still churns around inside my head. Memories and moments of tonight flash before me, like a never-ending loop that I can’t shut off.
I close my eyes and force myself to lie still as I take long, slow breaths even though my body is screaming at me to move. Screaming at me to get up, to run, to yell, to do anything to try and make this noise stop.
As if she can sense my anxiety, I feel Ruby’s hand on my chest, her palm flattening against my heart as if to still me as her soft breaths brush against my neck.
“Will you tell me what happened tonight?” she whispers.
I let out a long slow exhale, scrubbing a hand down my face and back up into my hair as I stare up at the ceiling, my other arm wrapped around Ruby’s shoulders. “You know what happened,” I eventually say, forcing the words out.
Her hand brushes against my chest. “Yeah, but I want to hear you say it.”
“Why?” The word comes out harsh and I immediately regret the way it sounds as I say, “Sorry.”
Ruby pushes up on her elbow so she’s looking down at me, her hand moving to my cheek now. “Don’t apologize,” she says, her voice firm, but her eyes kind. “You’re done apologizing for this, Caleb. I told you, none of this is your fault.”
She lowers her head to my shoulder again and I almost smile at the no-bullshit, tough love approach she’s now taking with me. She’s always been good at calling me out on stuff or telling me things she knows I don’t want to hear, but this feels different now.
“Tell me what happened.”
It’s not a question this time and as much as I don’t want to talk about it, I know she’s not going to let up until I do.
Exhaling, I keep my eyes on the ceiling. “When I came home,” I start, my heart already racing in my chest as I go back to earlier this evening and all the things that happened. All the things I saw and all the things I did.
“When I came home, the trash was knocked over. Again.” I pause, taking another deep breath. “I was cleaning it up when I heard a noise.”
Ruby’s hand brushes against me again, but she says nothing, her head still resting on my shoulder as she waits for me to continue.
“I saw him outside your window. He…he was…fuck, Ruby, you know what he was doing.”
She doesn’t answer, just presses her lips to my neck, a silent encouragement to keep going.
“It all happened so quickly,” I say, my eyes closing as the scene plays again for me. “I knew what it meant, what he’d been doing all this time and I…I just… Fuck, I just snapped. I don’t know what came over me.”
I pause, my heart racing, my breathing ragged as though I’ve run a marathon. Ruby says nothing. She just lies against me, her head on my shoulder and her hand on my chest.
“I didn’t feel like I could stop,” I eventually say, my hand gripping my hair as waves of anxiety crash over me. “But at the same time, it’s like I wasn’t even there, like I was watching a stranger beat the shit out of him.”
I stop talking, unable to continue. My head feels like a fucking mess, my brain overwhelmed by an endless stream of images and sounds, words and emotions I can’t block out, no matter how hard I try. I have no idea how the fuck I’m going to sleep tonight, or even how the hell I’m going to lie here like this.
God, I’ve got no idea how Ruby can even stand being this close to me.
We lie in silence for a while longer, the only sounds are of our breathing in the darkness of her room. Eventually, I feel her moving against me, see as she once again props herself up on her elbow and stares down at me.
“First of all,” she whispers, her thumb brushing across my eyebrow. “I want to thank you for—”
“Thank me?” I interrupt, incredulously.
Ruby’s thumb moves to my lips, silencing me. “Yes,” she whispers, her eyes meeting mine. “Thank you for looking out for me, for protecting me from…from him.”
“Ruby,” I groan, my eyes closing.
She doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything, even though I can feel her watching me, her thumb still brushing against my mouth. Eventually I open my eyes and meet hers.
“Why don’t you believe me?” she whispers.
“About what?”
Now it’s Ruby exhaling, her hand moving to mine where it grips my hair still. She pries my fingers loose before interlocking hers and moving our joined hands to rest on my chest between us.
“About everything,” she says. “About this not being your fault, about you protecting me, about…” she pauses, trailing off before she whispers, “about me loving you.”
I push my head back into the pillow, my eyes moving to the ceiling again because it hurts just to look at her, to see the way she looks at me as she s
ays these things, waiting for my answer. An answer I just can’t give her right now. Ruby sighs as she lowers her head to my shoulder again and I know she’s frustrated.
I move my hand down her spine, my fingers slipping under her t-shirt and resting against her lower back. Her skin is warm beneath my touch, the weight of her body against mine a comfort, despite the war that’s raging inside me. I want to tell her how much she means to me, how much I want to believe everything she’s saying to me, but I can’t get the words out.
“I don’t want to be like this,” I eventually confess, my words barely audible. “I hate who I am right now. I hate…”
Ruby moves again, this time so she’s lying beside me, the two of us sharing a pillow. I roll my head so we’re facing, and she cups my cheek, offering me a small smile.
“It won’t always be like this,” she whispers. “But until it isn’t, please let me help you.”
And before I can say anything more, she presses her lips against mine, silencing the protests she knows are coming.
The next morning, I’m lying on my back, still staring at the ceiling when I feel Ruby moving beside me. She rolls over, her arm sliding across my stomach as she pulls herself closer.
“Did you get any sleep?” she asks, her voice husky.
I scrub a hand down my face before holding it out in front of me, staring at my bruised and bloodied knuckles. “No.”
Ruby shuffles in closer, her lips against my neck. “You want to try and sleep now or you want me to get you some coffee.”
I let out a long exhale. “Stay here,” I whisper, turning to press a kiss to the top of her head. “I’ll get us coffee.”
I slide out of bed and grab a t-shirt, pulling it on before heading out to the kitchen. When I round the corner, I’m surprised to find Reid standing at the counter, waiting for the coffee to finish.
“Hey,” I say, walking into the room.
He glances back at me. “Hey, how you feeling?” He turns and leans back against the counter, arms crossed over his bare chest, his tattoos on full display. I take in all the ink he has on his arms and torso, my sister’s name, which is tattooed across his chest, almost like a brand or a neon sign advertising to the world how much she means to him.
“Shit,” I say, walking over to grab two cups.
He nods once. “Hardly surprising. Am guessing you didn’t sleep?”
I shake my head but say nothing.
“Yeah us either,” he adds.
I turn to him. “Seriously?”
He shrugs. “Seriously,” he repeats. “This affects you, so this affects us, Caleb.”
I exhale, mirroring his pose beside him. “Reid, you guys, you…shit, you don’t need to be caught up in this bullshit. This is my problem, not yours.”
Reid moves quickly, so he’s standing in front of me, his hands on my shoulders as he locks his gaze with mine. “Don’t,” he says, his voice firm as his hands grip my shoulders tightly. “Don’t you dare fucking say that, okay?” he adds. “We’re family, Caleb and family sticks together, so you’re stuck with us, whether you like it or not, alright?”
I stare back at him, see the mix of anger and concern in his eyes as he watches me.
“We’ll get through this. You have a lawyer now and you know there is so much more to this than just an assault charge.”
“Yeah but he’s a fucking professor, Reid,” I say my arms out as if to say how the hell can I even go up against that? “Who the fuck’s going to believe me?”
Reid shakes his head once, his eyes never leaving mine. “I do,” he says firmly. “So does Sienna. Ruby too.”
I groan my head falling into my hands now as I wonder how the hell I managed to get into this fucking mess. “Is Sie really okay?” I eventually ask, lifting my head again.
Reid’s face softens a little as he shrugs. “She’s about what you’d expect,” he says to me. “But don’t worry, I’ve got her.”
I nod. “Yeah, I know.”
“How about, Ruby?” he asks, dropping his hands. “Are things okay with you two?”
Now it’s me shrugging, having no fucking clue how things are, despite Ruby’s confession. It’s only three words, but they are three powerful words. Words that mean more than anything. Words I desperately want to say back to her but know I can’t.
“Talk to her, Caleb,” Reid says now, his voice quieter. “Talk to all of us, you can’t bottle this shit up anymore.”
I nod, moving to pour the coffee. “She wants me to see a therapist,” I admit, as I fill the four cups sitting on the counter.
Reid moves so he’s standing beside me, his hand on my shoulder again. “I think that’s a good idea,” he says.
“You do?” I ask, glancing at him.
Reid gives me a smile, his brow raised as he says, “Fuck, Caleb, honestly, I think all three of us probably need to see one,” he says, chuckling a little.
I feel a small smile tug at my mouth as I turn back to the coffee.
“You know we’ll go with you if you need us, don’t you?” he adds.
“Yeah,” I reply, letting out a slow breath as his hand slides to my other shoulder and pulls me against him in a half hug. “I know.”
Chapter Five
Ruby
The therapist’s card has been sitting on my dresser undisturbed for the last couple of days. It’s not my place to nag him to call her even though that’s exactly what I want to do. I can’t let him continue to wallow in his own self-pity and hide out in our bedroom.
Yes, my heart breaks for him and I know better than to tell him to get over it, but he needs to take the initiative and see this thing through. Without this therapist’s help his charges will stick. Ed has told him this and the scoff Caleb let out quietly wasn’t lost on me. He’s bitter right now and his conversations with Ed have left him feeling like admitting he’s crazy will force lenience upon him. He isn’t looking for excuses or band-aids for this, and there are even times it feels like he’s looking for someone to just publicly shame him, like he feels he deserves it.
It’s this ugly cycle of self-loathing and abuse that he needs to pull himself out of and this isn’t something he can do on his own. While Sienna and Caleb were young when their mother died, she obviously struggled alone. I will not allow him to go down the same path.
Caleb is sitting on our bed, his phone in hand as he scrolls along not really acknowledging me. There’s nothing insulting about his silence, and I’ve given him a pass on a lot of things, but maybe it’s about time I begin to push back just a little.
“I have to go return some books on campus,” I say, a little louder than necessary in the hopes it grabs his attention. It’s been getting harder and harder to get through to him, especially since he’s been off work for the last few days. His disconnect from the outside world is something far more concerning than his arrest.
But luckily he stands up and walks over to me, a simple smile on his face as he slips his arms around my waist. I’m hoping he doesn’t realize what day of the week it is or that this was the day I used to have class with Professor Keller. The university has made no mention of the conflict of interest yet and I’m sure they won’t, given he’s only the assistant professor of both of my courses. While finals are over, grades aren’t due for another two weeks. He still has time to fuck me over and use what happened with Caleb as his reasoning.
“Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?” he asks, and as much as I want to dance for joy at his request, I know this isn’t a quick fix. And the possibility of him being up for this in several hours diminishes as the day goes on. He’s motivated right now, but that can change at the drop of a hat.
“Yes, I would love that if you’re up to it.” I push up on my toes and lightly kiss his lips. “There’s something else I would love,” I add, knowing I’m about to kill his mood.
“What’s that?” he responds back, his fingers slipping under my shirt and tracing a few small circles on my stomach.
O
h the normalcy of what’s happening between us right now feels amazing and I’m about to ruin it.
“I’d love it if…” I look up at the ceiling and off to the side and over to the dresser where the card lies. I pretty much look anywhere but at Caleb, making it obvious what I’m about to say isn’t easy, but I’m hoping this new surge of normalcy will hang on long enough for him to hear me.
“Just say it, Ruby,” he insists, smirking at me and it’s so hard not to look at him and see everything I love about him, everything that makes him wonderful.
“I think you should call the therapist today,” I blurt out now, looking down at the ground, afraid I’ve just killed his good mood.
He steps back, but I step closer, and now it’s me slipping my arms around his waist. I rest my head against his chest as he lets out a long slow exhale.
The silence passes between us, lingering with several beats of our hearts, but Caleb hasn’t pushed me away and it feels like he’s at least giving what I’ve said some thought.
“I’d rather talk to you,” he now admits, and I feel my heart clench in my chest, tightening almost painfully. He isn’t trying to make me feel guilty, but I do. I want to help him, I really do, but we’re well beyond that. I can be empathetic, and I can listen, hell I can even give my advice, but none of this is where our relationship should be and I’m afraid it will drive a wedge between us.
“I know and you still can. You can tell me anything you want, but the therapist specializes in PTSD. She can help you better than I ever could.”
“She’s going to ask about my family. She’s going to label me immediately as soon as I tell her my mom took her own life and my father was an alcoholic.” Everything is said with a bite to it and I do understand his hesitation; it’s the same conversation I’ve had with Sie when she was trying to process what to do with her dad’s death.
I’m not in his position so I have no idea how I would feel, but I imagine it would be similar. No one likes to feel judged or labeled and the stigma of mental illness in this country immediately deems you broken and unable to fit in.