by Claire Raye
“I’m happy to go with you,” I quickly add, filling the awkward silence. “Maybe Sie or Reid too? We could all go. Or would that be too much?” I’m rambling idiotically and someone needs to slap a piece of tape over my mouth before I say something completely stupid. “Or maybe I should just be quiet.”
Caleb nods and it catches me off guard. It’s slow and he doesn’t make eye contact with me.
What the hell does that nod mean?
Yes, I should shut the hell up?
Yes, he wants me to come with him?
Yes, he’s going to the therapist?
Well, fuck, a nod means nothing when I asked so many goddamned questions.
Chapter Ten
Caleb
Ruby sits silently beside me, the calmness that surrounded us when she first walked out now gone and replaced with an awkwardness. I know my response is shitty and I really should give her more, but this is all just so fucking hard still.
Yes, yesterday was a good day, a fucking great day actually. And I’d do anything to make every day be like that, but I also know that is impossible. And sooner or later I’m going to have to face this shitstorm I’ve created for myself.
Ruby takes a deep breath, as though fortifying herself before she starts talking again. I don’t give her a chance though, putting my coffee mug down as I drag her back into my lap and wrap my arms around her. I lean down and press my lips to her neck, inhaling deeply and letting her scent wash over and through me, calming me like it always does.
“Yes,” I eventually say, lifting my head as my eyes meet hers.
Ruby looks back at me, a confused look on her face as she tries to understand what I’m saying yes to. I’m not trying to be a dick about it and I really do want to do this with her, it’s just fucking hard, no matter how much I know I can trust her with all of this.
“Yes, I’m going to the therapist,” I clarify, watching as she relaxes a little. “And yeah, I would like it if you came with me, but I am gonna go in alone.”
Ruby nods, opening her mouth to speak, but I drag my thumb across her bottom lip, stopping her.
“Maybe that will change one day,” I continue, even if I have no idea if it will. “And maybe some days I’ll want Reid there, or maybe Sie, I don’t know.” I pause, taking a breath as I try to remain calm, even as those same prickles of anxiety I get every time I think about speaking to a stranger about my life, start up. “But I am going to go.”
“Okay,” she whispers, her hand on my cheek as she gives a small nod.
I smile, leaning in to press a kiss to the end of her nose. “But no, I don’t ever want you to be quiet, okay?”
Ruby swallows as she watches me, her face awash with worry and concern. “I’m just…I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to say, what the right thing to say is or how to even say what I’m thinking.”
I let out a soft chuckle. “God, Ruby, neither do I,” I tell her. “But this is part of the deal, right? We talk, no matter how hard it is?”
Ruby wraps her arms around my neck now, leaning in to press a kiss to my lips. “We do,” she whispers, brushing her mouth against mine. “And yes, I will come with you today. I’ll be there however you need me.” I smile, slipping my arms under her knees and her ass before I stand. Ruby squeals, her arms tightening around my neck as she says, “What are you doing?”
I grin, turning and walking back inside the house, kicking the front door closed behind me. “The other part of our deal,” I tell her as I walk us back to the bedroom. “Sex with Ruby.”
Three hours later, we are sitting side by side in a waiting room. We are the only people here besides the receptionist, who’s busy typing away at a computer and not paying us any attention. Somewhere, music plays softly, adding a forced calmness to the space that’s clearly been strategically designed to do exactly that.
Ruby holds my hand in hers, neither of us saying anything. My eyes are on the clock on the wall, watching the hands move as they inch ever closer to my appointment time. My left leg bounces a little, a nervous energy making it hard for me to sit still, even as I have to force myself not to move.
“Caleb Parker?”
I look up to see a woman in her early fifties standing in the open doorway. She’s dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a sweater, which surprises me. I’d expected a stuffy old professor type.
I swallow hard as I nod once. Beside me, Ruby squeezes my hand before lifting it to her mouth and pressing a firm kiss to the back of it. Then she gently nudges me until I’m standing, and I walk toward this woman, who’s waiting by the door, smiling at me.
“I’m Dr Liz Watkins,” she says as she stands to the side, letting me walk into the room. “Call me Liz and take a seat wherever you like.”
I step inside, the sound of the door closing behind me feeling like a death knell. I stop, my eyes searching the room as I try to decide where I should sit. Liz walks past me, heading toward an oversized chair beside a small table. I glance at what’s left, taking in a similar chair across from her and a larger loveseat to the left of that.
“Caleb?” she says.
I clear my throat, as I walk over to the chair and sit down.
She smiles again when I finally look at her. “Can I get you some water or something?”
I shake my head, clasping my hands together between my knees as I try to control the nervous energy that’s continuing to build inside me.
Liz nods before glancing down at her notes. “Okay, so I’m going to guess this is your first time doing something like this?” she asks, pausing as she waits for my acknowledgement. She smiles when I tip my head before continuing. “Well, just so you know, everything that’s said in this room remains confidential. Between you and me,” she adds, gesturing between us. “I know Ed gave you my card, but I don’t know the reason why. You can either tell me yourself or you can sign a document giving Ed permission to give me the information.”
She stops then and I find myself nodding again, although I’m not sure why. Liz offers me another smile before continuing.
“Same goes for whatever you decide to tell me. I can’t tell Ed anything unless I have your permission or a court order.” My head snaps up at that and I watch as she holds up a hand. “It’s unlikely it will come to that,” she says. “And we can discuss how to best handle it if and when we need to.”
She stops again, as though waiting for me to say something. When I don’t, she glances down at her notes again and then looks up at me.
“So, do you want to tell me why you’re here?”
I take a deep breath, drawing the air into my lungs slowly, mostly to buy myself some time before I actually have to start talking. That nervous energy has now grown, spreading through me as my left leg once again starts to bounce, my fingers knotting together between my legs.
Liz must sense my unease, because she puts her notepad down before standing and walking over to a small fridge to the left of her desk. She grabs a bottle of water before walking back, placing it on the table in front of me and sitting down again.
“I know this isn’t easy,” she says. “I know it’s quite possibly the last thing you want to be doing right now, but can I just say, it will help. I know it doesn’t feel like it and honestly, it probably won’t for a while, but it will happen. One day you’ll be able to look back on all of this and realize that coming in here was the best thing you could have done.”
I nod again, still unsure what to say, what she wants me to say. My head is a mess, a whirling mix of emotions and memories and feelings that I can’t even begin to make sense of myself, let alone explain to her.
As if she can sense I don’t know how to begin, she clears her throat before sitting back in her chair a little. “That woman out there,” she starts, gesturing toward the closed door with her pen. “She’s your girlfriend?”
I meet her gaze in silent acknowledgement.
“What’s her name?”
“Ru—” I have to clear my
throat. “Ruby.”
“Would you like her to be in here with you?”
I shake my head before she even finishes her question.
“Okay, that’s fine,” she says. “But if you ever do want her in here, that’s also fine. These sessions are all about you, Caleb and to do that, we need to make sure you’re comfortable. Okay?”
“Okay,” I say.
Liz smiles, as though me actually acknowledging something verbally is a huge step and in this moment, I can understand why she’s a therapist, because it almost puts me at ease. “Okay,” she repeats. “So should we start?” When I don’t say anything, she waits until our gazes meet. “Do you want to tell me why you’re here?”
I’d like to say it all just falls out of me, but it doesn’t. Instead, images of that night and what I did, flash through my brain, assaulting me with the reality of my situation and everything I stand to lose in this moment.
The anxiety ripples through me, reminding me of just how fucked up I am, just how close I am to losing my shit and bolting from this office. Running out and hiding away from everything that I’ve done and everything that’s about to come next.
“Caleb?”
But I can’t do that. I can’t run anymore. Not now, not when I have Ruby out there, waiting for me, expecting so much of me. So, instead, I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly before I tell her the reasons. “I beat the shit out of my girlfriend’s professor after I caught him jerking off outside her bedroom window.”
Liz says nothing, a silence descending over the room that’s only broken by the slow ticking of a clock somewhere that I can’t see. Eventually she scribbles something down on her notepad before lifting her head to meet my eyes. She offers me a warm smile that strangely doesn’t show any pity or judgment or anything else I expected to see.
“Okay, so while your methods might not have been the best,” she says, pausing to give me a wry smile. “I do get why you did it.”
I actually feel my jaw drop in surprise. How the fuck can it be this easy?
But then she clears her throat, glancing at her notepad once more before looking up at me. “But,” she continues, smiling once more. “I don’t think this is where any of this started.”
“What do you mean?” The question is out of my mouth before I can even stop it.
Liz’s smile widens a little, but it’s kind. “Caleb,” she says, her tone almost motherly. “I know you probably think you’re hiding it well, but I’m here to tell you’re not.”
“What? What do you mean?”
She shuffles a little in her seat but it’s not from discomfit, more like she’s settling in for the long haul. “I think this all stems from something much deeper,” she starts. “Something you’re afraid to share with even yourself, but something which clearly hurts you very deeply.”
“How…” I stop, swallowing hard as I actually have to fight back the sob I feel rising in my throat. “How can you possibly know that?” I ask, my words barely a whisper.
She smiles again, this time the sympathy radiating through loud and clear. “You aren’t my first case of post-traumatic stress disorder,” she says, her words so matter of fact it’s impossible not to hear them. “But the good news in all of that, is I definitely know how to help you.”
My head falls, my gaze dropping to my hands, which are still locked together between my knees. “Really?”
Chapter Eleven
Ruby
I’m sitting in the waiting area, the receptionist mindlessly typing away at a keyboard while my thoughts are going a mile a minute. It’s hard not to wonder what Caleb is telling the therapist. I worry about his honesty and how forthcoming he’s actually going to be. I realize this is only the first day and it may take time for him to open up, but I hope he’s at least talking.
The receptionist looks up at me, smiles gently as I bite at the loose skin around my fingernails and it feels like she’s questioning why it’s not me in that room. I can’t seem to hold still and my mind is all over the damn place. I suddenly want to ask her if she knows what they’re talking about, and not because I want to be nosy, but because I want this to work. I want Caleb to find relief in this. But I wouldn’t dare ask.
The minutes tick by slowly, each minute passing in what feels like hours and I feel like I’m going to cry. The stress of wondering if Caleb is having a hard time is eating away at me and my heart is now racing. As hard as it was to get him here, it’s equally as hard for me to just sit back and let it play out.
Just when I feel like I might climb out of my skin, the door opens and Caleb emerges looking exactly the same as when he went in. No red-rimmed eyes, no flushed cheeks or clenched teeth. He looks back over his shoulder and says something to the therapist. It isn’t loud enough for me to hear him, but she smiles and he nods his head, walking right over to the reception desk.
“I need to make a weekly appointment,” he states and I exhale a hard breath. I have no idea why relief washes over me in a wave, nearly rooting me to the chair, but hearing him say he’s returning eases some of my worries.
I stand and wait near the door, not wanting to make him feel like I’m intruding as he finishes up making his appointment. The relief is still there, but also still lingering are my worries. I guess I’ll always be fearful of what’s to come because what we are dealing with is unpredictable. I’ve never once been afraid of Caleb, only afraid of the toll all of this is taking on him.
“Ready?” he asks, slinging an arm around my shoulders as he reaches for the door handle.
“Yes. You good?”
“Yep, all good, Ruby,” he replies, not giving away too much.
We walk in silence out to the car. Neither of us wanting to talk about what we both know is passing between us. I don’t even know if it’s appropriate for me to ask how things went. He doesn’t need to tell me specifics or really anything. I guess I just want to know if he feels like it will help.
I climb into the car, letting out a long sigh as I fall into the driver’s seat. It’s what Sienna calls “the mom sigh”. She says I do it when I have something to say, but don’t want to come right out with it. I try to control it, yet it always seems to slip through. And if Caleb knows me as well as Sienna does, he knows exactly what my sigh means.
He lets out a breathy laugh and when I look over at him, he’s smirking.
“You’re easy to read, Ruby,” he quips, that adorable smirk still plastered on his face. He runs a hand over my hair and wraps his fingers around the back of my neck. “Come here.” I lean close and he kisses me, his lips resting against mine for a few seconds and then he says, “You can ask me. Just because you ask doesn’t mean I have to answer. You can always ask me anything you want.”
“Anything?” I question, furrowing my brows and narrowing my eyes. My look only makes him laugh more.
“Anything, but like I said I might not answer.”
“Okay. How’d it go today?” I ask, testing the waters with an easy question. He could just give a simple one-word answer. He could elaborate if he feels so inclined. Or this could be one of those times when he chooses not to respond.
“It went well. You obviously know I now have a standing appointment. I’ll meet with her every Wednesday at ten. Late enough that I can still grab any deliveries at the bar, but early enough I can still get back before the lunch crowd.”
“It sounds like you have a pretty good plan.” He’s far too casual about all of this. Something feels strangely normal, like he didn’t just leave his therapist’s office and possibly have a life-changing discussion.
“Yep, and with us running regularly and the routine you have in place, I think things will be really good.”
I don’t know why I doubt him right now, why I can’t just put my worry aside and give him the benefit of the doubt. It feels like it stems from what happened with Professor Keller and how it felt as if he was recovering only to have an incident like that set him back.
“What did you talk abo
ut?” I blurt out, clenching my teeth in response to my own question. It’s a very bold move.
He laughs, his head falling back against the headrest and I find myself feeling a little embarrassed at his response. “Just going right for it, huh, babe?” Caleb says, a twinkle to his question, playful and flirty.
“I don’t know. Am I supposed to ask? Are we supposed to talk about what you talk about in therapy or is it like Fight Club?” I throw my hands up, confused and unsure how I’m supposed to handle this. Ignoring it seems wrong, but flat out asking him seems even weirder.
“Ruby, stop making this weird. If you think I’m going to walk into the house and Sienna isn’t going to hit me with a million more awkward questions than this, you’re dead wrong. Talking with you in the car is like the warm-up for Sienna.”
“Okay, so…”
“So I talked about you,” he says, his words catching me off guard.
“Me?” I ask, incredulously, my hand going to my chest, my nose wrinkling up in confusion.
“Yes, you.” He takes my hand in his and brings it to his lips, kissing each one of my knuckles softly. “Because my therapist asked about you.”
“Are you fucking with me?” I ask, shooting him a side eye.
“You’re killing me here. She asked because she said sometimes it’s easier to start with things you want to talk about. It helps create a level of comfort. She asked about how we met and how our relationship is going.”
“What did you tell her? I think our relationship is going well, right?”
Again, Caleb is laughing at me. I’m worried this woman is judging me for getting involved with him. She doesn’t know how I held back, how I knew it was wrong because of what he’d been through.
“Yes, Ruby, our relationship is going well. I told her I felt like you’re the reason I was there and you’re the reason I wake up in the morning and want to be better. I want to be better for you and for our future. I want to be able to give you everything you give to me.”