by Claire Raye
He rounds the corner and finds me awkwardly thinking about all of this. His eyes narrow and his lips form into a small scowl as if he knows I was listening. Listening to what? Really it was nothing, but it all feels a little too secretive.
“Who was on the phone?” I ask, making it feel like it’s just a passing conversation, but it suddenly feels like all the air has been sucked out of the small space.
Caleb is looking at me, his eyes wider than just a few seconds ago and it feels like he’s processing what to tell me.
“It was no one,” he responds quickly, skirting past me and into the bedroom we share. “It was a recording,” he now adds as if that will explain away why he didn’t say anything.
I need to let it go because this isn’t my battle. He needs to make his own choices in all of this even if at times I think he’s making the wrong choices. But here I am, asking more questions and pushing him further away.
“What was the recording about?” I hear the words leave my mouth, my brain screaming at me to shut the fuck up, but I don’t. I’m going to regret this.
“I don’t know, Ruby,” he says, a sigh coming out on the end of my name, a sigh that means he’s done with this.
“Did you even answer the phone?” I ask, accusation painted on every word.
Why am I pushing this?
“To be honest, no, I didn’t. I just told you that so you’d leave me alone, but clearly that didn’t work.”
“Caleb,” I shoot back, appalled by his sharp tone and the way he just spoke to me. This isn’t like him and this definitely isn’t the way we speak to each other.
“Ruby!” he now yells, and I step back, narrowing my eyes at him because if he thinks he’s going to shit on me and I’m just going to take it, he’s wrong.
The bedroom door slams, leaving me standing in the hallway, shocked into silence. I’m not going in there because I refuse to be his punching bag. I storm out into the kitchen, swatting at an open cabinet door just as Sienna appears from our small mudroom holding a laundry basket.
“You okay?” she asks, and the way her question comes out tells me she’s been here before. “He can be hard to deal with. More so now than ever.”
I bite down on my lip and let out a hard breath, the air blowing my hair out of my face.
“What happened?” she now asks.
“His phone rang and he didn’t answer it. I asked him who was on the phone to see what he would say and he lied to me and told me it was a recording. Then after I called his bullshit, he got pissed at me and slammed the door.” I shake my head, angry but also blanketed in guilt. I have no idea how to handle this or what I’m supposed to say to him anymore. I can’t walk on eggshells, but I also can’t police everything he does. It will kill us both.
“He’s hard. Trust me, I know,” Sienna adds, rolling her eyes and raising her shoulders just a little. “You have to understand though, we grew up alone. We didn’t have anyone asking where we were going or when we’d be home. No one checked in on us to make sure we did our homework or ate dinner. No one cared about us, Ruby, so when someone does, it feels… I don’t know, intrusive, I guess.”
I don’t say anything. I just let Sie’s words sink in. I was raised differently than they were and my mom and dad were all over my ass about everything. It’s all I know and it’s the only way I know to help someone in need. But it’s time to change my thinking because right now, all Caleb needs is someone to be here with him. He doesn’t need someone demanding answers from him and asking questions and poking at him with the insinuation that he can’t be trusted.
“He’ll come around. I mean, he’ll apologize to you. The rest of this shit, I have no idea if it will resolve itself or how he’s going to get away from it, but I have to have trust in him. He needs that from you too,” Sie now says, sounding far older than our twenty-two years. “He doesn’t need a mother, he needs a girlfriend.”
“So, I’m just supposed to ignore it when he’s avoiding dealing with all of this?” I ask, motioning around the room, like Caleb’s emotional baggage is literally in the room with us.
“Honestly, yes. It’s not yours. It’s his and he has to navigate his way through it. It kills me to leave him to his own devices, but now’s not my time to step in.”
I envy her casualness, but inside I know she’s a wreck. After what happened with Caleb, I wouldn’t dare point that out to her. Given their closeness, she’s fully aware of when he might need her and she doesn’t cross that line before he makes it known.
“I hope he realizes my questions are out of concern,” I tell her, worried he’s in there cursing my name.
“He does. He just doesn’t know how to process that. It took me a while, remember?”
When Sie and I first met, we hit it off immediately, but what didn’t go perfectly was getting to know each other beyond our love of booze, movies and laughing together. She hated my motherly ways, and in the beginning, pushed back when I expressed concern for her. It was the only thing we argued about and she took all my questions as intrusive, when in reality it was all because I cared about her. I never experienced the lack of trust she lived with her whole life, so I didn’t really understand her. We both spent a ton of time learning how to be friends, and in the end, I formed one of the strongest friendships I’ve ever had in my life.
“I do and I’m glad you kept me around because I can’t imagine my life without you,” I respond, walking over and throwing my arms around her neck.
“Give him some time, but don’t let him treat you like shit. He’s going to try to drive you away. That’s what us Parkers do when we feel like someone cares too much.”
Reid walks out of the bedroom and stops when he sees me wrapped around Sienna, giving us a sly grin. “Threesome, ladies?”
“Shut up, Reid,” we both shout in unison, rolling our eyes, but I have to admit I kind of enjoy the distraction and his cheekiness.
“What was Caleb yelling about?” Reid questions, an eyebrow going up. “Sometimes he can be such a dick.” His eyes are now scrunched up and he shakes his head at his comment.
“I called him out on something and he didn’t like it, but Sie and I,” I stop, tossing a soft elbow into her side and winking at her, “had a chat and it’s all good.”
“I’m sure she told you to let him throw his fit, but I say storm on in there and tell him he’s being a dick.”
I laugh a little, the opposite approach from both of them is a little comical. Of course they view things totally differently, and not to mention the friendship between Reid and Caleb being a huge factor. It’s much easier for two guys to argue and move on, but when the relationship is like mine and Caleb’s, so new, upsetting the balance isn’t ideal. Even worse, we have all of Caleb’s issues we’re navigating.
“How about I find some balance in there?” I suggest. “I don’t think it’s as simple as just ignoring him or yelling at him.”
“You’re probably right…” Sie starts, but stops quickly when Caleb walks out of the bedroom.
His face is red and as much as I can still feel the anger radiating from him, I want to go to him and wrap my arms around him. He needs comfort over everything.
“I think we’ll…” Reid says, tossing a thumb toward the front door as he tugs Sienna in that direction with his other hand.
When the front door closes, Reid and Sienna now outside and out of an earshot, we both start to speak at the same time.
“I’m…”
“No,” Caleb says. “I’m sorry. Don’t apologize to me. I was a jerk and I know it. I shouldn’t have lied to you about the phone call.”
“I shouldn’t have asked about it because it isn’t my business.”
“It is your business because you’re the only one who’s been by my side through all of this. You’re the reason I have a lawyer and why I went to the therapist and why I know I need…” He doesn’t finish his thought. All of this is too much for him and I get that. I’m sure it’s even hard to articulat
e what it all means and what’s happening.
“I just want to be here for you and I don’t think I know how to do that. What do you need from me?”
“I wish I knew, Ruby. I wish I had a simple answer for you, but I don’t.”
I walk over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and I feel his chin rest on the top of my head. We stand like this, Caleb’s arms around me, the silence all around us. There is so much uncertainty in dating someone with mental illness, but I never want Caleb to think I’m uncertain about us. That thought has never crossed my mind.
He takes in a deep breath, his chest expanding against me and pushing me away just a little. I feel him swallow hard and take in another breath.
“It was Ed who called,” Caleb now admits. “I don’t know why I didn’t answer.” It’s like he pulls the question I want to ask right from my brain, answering it without me asking it. “I guess I just wanted to ignore things for a little while, have a sense of normalcy for a fucking second. Talking to him will remind me that I’m fucked.”
“You’re not fucked,” I assure him, my hands running up and down his back. “You need to call Ed back and see what he needs. Your court date is coming up.”
“I know, but I just keep thinking it’s all going to go to shit even though Ed says I more than likely won’t be charged.” He pauses, his breathing a little ragged and my chest tightens slowly, each inch a little more painful than the last. “More than likely,” he now mutters.
I know what he’s thinking. There’s a small chance he will be, and after everything he’s been through, his trust in those words isn’t there.
“Call Ed back,” I now say, a little more firmly, but still trying to respond cautiously. “As much as it all sucks really bad, the sooner your court date happens, the sooner this can be left behind.”
“I don’t think it ever really gets “left behind”, Ruby,” he says, quoting my words.
“Caleb, you know what I mean,” I respond back, titling my head to the side. “You won’t have to deal with lawyers and the police. All of that will be over and you can focus on getting your life back. That’s what you came to California to do.”
“Yeah, and it keeps getting more fucked up.”
He’s struggling to stay positive and maybe I need to let him wallow for a bit. Maybe he needs to feel the full weight of everything in order to move past it.
The question is how long is too long?
Chapter Fourteen
Caleb
I’m sitting in the waiting area outside Ed’s office, my mind replaying over the events of last night and the fight Ruby and I had. I wish it had been as simple as me apologizing and her forgiving me, but it wasn’t. Things were still tense between us and I know it’s all my fault.
I was the one fucking everything up and even though I’d given in and called Ed back last night like she wanted me to, I hadn’t let her be part of that conversation, hiding out in her room while I had called and then not talking to her about it afterward. We’d gone to bed under a cloud of tension and then I’d made things even worse when I hadn’t let her come to the meeting today.
I was being a dick and I knew it, but I still couldn’t stop myself. Even if I knew I was ruining the one thing I desperately wanted to protect.
I exhale, my head leaning back against the wall as I stare up at the ceiling and wait for Ed to see me. This is all such a huge fucking mess and I have no idea how to fix any of it. I’d thought moving to California was going to solve all my problems, but all it’s done is make everything a million times worse.
Fuck’s sake. Maybe I should just leave. Just get the hell out of here and stop ruining the lives of everyone who gets close to me; everyone I care about.
“Caleb?”
I lift my head to find Ed standing in his office door, a casual smile on his face. Pushing up from the chair, I walk toward him, following him back into his office, where he closes the door behind us.
“Have a seat,” he says, gesturing to one of two chairs facing his desk.
I slump into one of them, my arms crossed over my chest in a way that I know screams stay the fuck away from me because I do not want to be here. Ed sits at his desk, reaching for what I guess is my file, which he opens and starts to read through.
I watch him, neither of us saying anything as my anger only continues to grow. Just as I’m about to stand up and walk out, Ed starts to talk.
“Alright, it’s good you’ve started seeing Liz,” he begins. “I’m going to ask her for a report, so I’ll need you to sign this,” he says, sliding a piece of paper toward me. “It’s just for—”
“What if I don’t want you to see anything she says?” I ask, cutting him off, my words harsh.
Ed looks up at me. “Why would you not want that?”
I shrug. “Because the last thing I need is for everyone to know how fucked up I am.” I can hear the anger and petulance in my voice, but I feel powerless to stop it because my anger feels like the one thing I have left at the moment.
Ed lets out a sigh, pushing my file away as he sits back in his chair and watches me. I can already feel his judgment, his annoyance at the way I’m acting.
“That’s not what this will be, Caleb, and it’s really in your best interests to have it there, to show people what you’ve been through, why you did—”
“You mean so you can tell everyone why I act this way,” I shout, standing now. I start to pace the room, my blood coursing through my veins, that same prickling feeling of anxiety dancing over my skin. My heart is racing inside my chest as my hands curl into fists by my sides.
“Caleb, I don’t know—”
“You don’t know anything about what I went through!” I shout, turning to him. “No one fucking does and the last thing I need is everyone finding out about it.” I can feel my chest heavy, my heart pounding inside my rib cage, my body primed to bolt and just get the fuck out of here.
“Enough!” Ed suddenly yells, shooting out of his chair.
His reaction surprises me and I freeze, the two of us now standing facing each other, locked in a standoff on either side of his desk. But it’s him who caves first as he exhales, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Can you sit down, please?”
I force myself to take a deep breath, my hands relaxing as I flex my fingers and walk back to my chair. Ed moves over to a small alcove on the far side of the room and opens a cupboard that turns out to be a mini fridge. He grabs two bottles of water before walking back to his desk and handing one to me. He then sits in the second chair next to me, cracking the lid on his bottle and taking a long sip before speaking.
“I have no idea what you’ve been through, Caleb,” he starts, his voice eerily calm, as if our previous outburst never even happened. “I can’t even begin to understand, despite what I’ve seen and heard from the media reports.” He pauses and I realize he’s talking about Providence, that he knows what went down back there. “But what you need to understand, what I need you to understand, is that I’m here to help you, in every way I can. And if that means we bring up your past and all the things you went through because we know it’s contributed to what happened with Aaron Keller, then that’s what we need to do. Got it?”
I swallow hard, trying to force my anger away. “You…” I have to pause and clear my throat. “You know what happened in Providence?”
Ed gives me a slow nod of his head. “I know about some of what happened in Providence,” he admits. “But I’m fairly certain that no one but you knows the full story.”
I look away, afraid he’ll see the answer written all over my face.
“I know it’s hard for you to trust people,” Ed continues. “But I’m on your side in all of this, Caleb and I need you to believe me when I say that Liz’s report will only be used if it absolutely has to be.”
“Will it…” I stop, once again clearing the lump that now seems to be permanently lodged in my throat. “Who will see it?” I eventually get out.
Ed offers me a small smile. “Only the judge and the prosecutor. If it comes to that,” he adds. “We can also request that your file be sealed should the charges proceed.”
I put the water bottle on the table beside me, my head now falling into my hands, elbows resting on my knees. This all feels so fucking overwhelming and out of my control. But more than anything it feels fucking terrifying, because I have no idea what’s going to happen.
Back in Providence, I’d been afraid, but my fear wasn’t of the unknown. Back then I knew exactly what I was afraid of and despite how hard it was, I somehow learned to live with that fear. Fear that I would lose the bar and our house, fear that Reid’s dad would come after me, just like he’d come after my dad. Fear that I’d fuck up whatever was left of our family’s legacy.
But this, this just all feels so fucking different, because I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen.
“The other thing,” Ed continues, his voice kind, sympathetic almost, “is that everything that happens in this room, stays between you and me.”
I lift my head at his words and he offers me a smile. “Really?”
“Yes, really. I’m bound by client confidentiality, Caleb. I can’t say anything to anyone about your case or you.”
I take in a deep breath at his words, my body relaxing just a tiny fraction, almost as though I’m giving in just a little and accepting that I have to trust him if I ever want this to go away. “Okay,” I finally concede.
An hour later, I walk out of Ed’s office. I can still feel the anger and anxiety swirling inside me, but it’s a little duller now. We’d talked for a long time after I’d calmed down. Mostly about my case, but also about my sessions with Liz and what and how Ed would do with the report that she’d provide him.
I’d told him that Liz had mentioned PTSD and Ed had nodded, before explaining to me how that would help because it was trauma I hadn’t dealt with that undoubtedly impacted my behavior the night I caught Professor Keller outside Ruby’s window.