The Heart of Una Sackville
Page 12
CHAPTER TWELVE.
_August 20th_.It is lovely to be able to go out again into the sweet summer land, anddrive about with father and mother, and have our nice, homely talksagain. The Greaves' are perfect angels of kindness, and what we shouldhave done without their hospitality I'm sure I can't tell, but everyfamily has its own little ways, and, of course, you like your own thebest. The Greaves' way is always to say exactly precisely whatever theymean and nothing beyond, and to think you rather mad if you do anythingelse. Our way is to have little jokes and allusions, and a great dealof chatter about nothing in particular, and to think other people boresif they don't do the same. We call our belongings by proper names. Myumbrella is "Jane," because she is a plain, domestic-looking creature,and mother's, with the tortoiseshell and gold, is "Mirabella," and ourcat is "Miss Davis," after a singing-mistress who squalled, and the newlaundry-maid is "Monkey-brand," because she can't wash clothes. It'ssilly, perhaps, but it _does_ help your spirits! When I go out on a wetday and say to my maid "Bring `Jane,' please," the sight of her facealways sends me off in good spirits. She tries so hard not to laugh.
Father and I just make plain, straightforward jokes, like everyone else,but mother jokes daintily, as she does everything else. It's lovely tolisten to her when she is in a frisky mood!
We are all depressed enough just now, goodness knows, but it cheers usup a little to be together, and, in comparison with the Greaves'conversation, ours sounds frisky. Yesterday we drove up to see the dearhome, at which dozens of men are already at work. It was at once betterand worse than I expected. The ivy is still green in places, and theydon't think it is all destroyed, so that the first view from the bottomof the drive was a relief. Near at hand we saw the terrible damagedone, and, when I went inside for a few minutes, the smell was still sostrong that I had to hurry back into the air. It will take months toput things right, and meantime father has taken a furnished house fourmiles off, where we go as soon as Vere can be moved, and stay until sheis strong enough to travel to the sea, or to some warm, sunny place forthe winter. We shall probably be away for ages. No balls, Una! Nodissipations, and partners, and admiration, and pretty new frocks, asyou expected. Furnished houses and hospital nurses, and a long, anxiousillness to watch. Those are your portion, my dear!
I am a wretch to think of myself at all. Rachel wouldn't; but I do, andit's no use pretending I don't. I'm horribly, horribly disappointed!One part of me feels cross and injured; the other part of me longs to begood and unselfish, and to cheer and help the others. I haven't had farto look for my sister. While I was searching the neighbourhood forsomeone to befriend, the opportunity was preparing inside our very ownwalls! Now then, Una Sackville, brace up! Show what you are made of!You are fond enough of talking--now let us see what you can do!
_August 28th_.The spinal chair arrived yesterday when I was at the Lodge. Fathercried when he saw it. I hate to see a man cry, and got out of the wayas soon as possible, and, when I came back, mother and he were sittinghand in hand in the little parlour, looking quite calm, and kind ofsadly happy. I think bearing things together has brought them nearerthan they have been for years, so they certainly have found theircompensation.
The doctor says Vere is to live out of doors, so this morning she wascarried out on her mattress, laid flat on the chair, and wheeled to acorner of the lawn. As I had prophesied, she arranged all detailsherself. She wore a soft, white serge dressing-gown sort ofarrangement, which was loose and comfortable, and a long lace scarf putloosely over her head, and tied under the chin, instead of a hat.Everything was as simple as it could be. Vere had too much good tasteto choose unsuitable fineries, but, as she lay with the sunlightflickering down at her beneath the screen of leaves, she looked sotouchingly frail and lovely that it broke your heart to see her. Herhair lay in little gold rings on her forehead, the face inside the lacehood had shrunk to such a tiny oval. One had not realised, seeing herin bed, how thin she had grown during these last few weeks!
We all waited on her hand and foot, and walked in procession beside her,gulping hard, and blinking our eyes to keep back the tears whenever wehad a quiet chance, and she laughed and admired the trees, and saidreally it was the quaintest sensation staring straight up at the sky;she felt just like "Johnny Head in Air" in the dear old picture-book!It was a delightful couch--most comfortable! What a lazy summer sheshould have! If there was one thing she loved more than another, it washaving meals in the open air--all in the same high, artificial notewhich she had used ever since her accident.
We all agreed and gushed, and said, "Yes, darling," "Isn't it, darling?""So you shall, darling," and we had tea under a big beech-tree, andanyone might have thought we were quite jolly; but I could see father'slip quiver under his moustache, and mother looked old. I hate to seemother look old!
Just as we had finished tea a servant came up to tell father that Willand Mr Carstairs had called to see him. They had too much good feelingto join us where we were, but Vere lifted her languid eyes and said"Stupid men! What are they afraid of? Tell them to come here at once."And no one dared to oppose her.
I shall never forget that scene. It was like treading on sacred groundto be there when Mr Carstairs went forward to take Vere's hand, yet, ofcourse, it would not have done to leave them alone. His face was set,poor fellow, and he couldn't speak. I could see the pulse above his earbeating like a hammer, and was terrified lest he should break downaltogether. Vere would never have forgiven that! She thanked him inher pretty society way for all his "favaws," the flowers, and the books,and the letters, all "so amusing, don't you know!" (as if his poorletters could have been amusing!) and behaved really and truly as ifthey had just met in a ball-room, after an ordinary separation.
"It's quite an age since I saw you; and now, I suppose, it is a case of`How do you do, and good-bye,'" she said lightly. "You must be longingto get away from this dull place, to pay some of your postponed visits."
"They will have to be postponed a little longer. Dudley is good enoughto say he can put me up another week or two, and I should like to seeyou settled at Bylands. There--there might be something I could do foryou," returned the poor man wistfully, but she would not acknowledge anyneed of help.
"Dearie me! Have you turned furniture remover? Are you proposing topack me with the rest of our belongings?" she cried, lifting her chinabout a quarter of an inch in feeble imitation of her old scornful tilt.It was very pitiful to see her do it, and Mr Carstairs' lip twitchedagain, and he turned and began talking to mother, leaving the coastclear for Will Dudley. He looked flushed, but his eyes were curiouslybright and determined.
"I am so thankful to see you out again, Miss Sackville," he said."That's the first step forward in your convalescence, and I hope theothers may follow quickly!"
That was his cue! He was not going to allow Vere to ignore her illnesstalking to him; he had determined to make her face it naturally andsimply, but the flash in her eyes showed that it would not be too easy.She stared up into his face with a look of cold displeasure, and hestared straight back and said--
"Are you as comfortable as possible? I think that light is ratherdazzling to your eyes. Let me move you just a few inches."
"I am perfectly happy, thank you. Pray don't trouble. I prefer to staywhere I am."
"I'll move you back again if you don't like it," he said coolly."There! Now that branch screens you nicely. The sun has moved sinceyou first came out, I expect. Confess, now, that is more comfortable!"
She would not confess, and she could not deny, so she simply dropped hereyelids and refused to answer; but a little thing like that would notdaunt Will Dudley, and he went on talking as if she had thanked him asgraciously as possible. Presently, however, the hospital nurse gave usa private signal that Vere was getting tired and ought to rest, so weall strolled away and left them alone together benea
th the tree.
We had only three days more at the Grange, and during them Racheldevoted herself as much as possible to Vere, trotting between the houseand the beech-trees on everlasting missions, and reading aloud for hourstogether from stupid novels, which I am sure bored her to extinction.Vere herself did not seem to listen very attentively, but I think thesweet, rather monotonous voice had a soothing effect on her nerves; shewas relieved to be spared talking, and also intent on studying thisstrange specimen of human nature.
"Oh, admirable but dullest of Rachels, she absolutely delights in doingwhat she dislikes! It was as good as a play to watch her face yesterdaywhile she read aloud the reflections of the worldly Lady Peggy! Theyevidently gave her nerves a severe shock, but as for omitting a passage,as for even skipping an objectionable word, no! not if her life dependedupon it. `It is my duty, and I will.' That is her motto in life. Howboring people are who do their duty!" drawled Vere languidly on the lastafternoon, as poor Rachel left her to go back to the other invalid, whowas no doubt growling like a bear in his den as he waited for herreturn. Everyone seemed to take Rachel's help for granted, and to thinkit superfluous to thank her. Even Will himself is far less attentive toher wants than my _fiance_ shall be when I have one. I simply couldn'tstand being treated like a favourite aunt, and really and truly hebehaves far more as if she were that, than his future wife. He is neverin the least tiny bit excited or agitated about seeing her.
I wouldn't admit this to Vere for a thousand pounds, but I felt crossall the same, and said snappishly--
"It's a pity she wasted her time, since you were only jeering at her forher pains. I don't know about enjoying what she hates, but shecertainly loves trying to help other people, and I admire her for it. Iwish to goodness I were like her!"
At this she smiled more provokingly than ever.
"Yes. I've noticed the imitation. It's amusing. All the more so thatit is so poor a success. Your temper is not of the quality to be keptpersistently in the background, my dear."
It isn't. But I _had_ tried hard to keep patient and gentle the lastfew weeks, even when Vere aggravated me most. I had been so achinglysorry for her that I would have cut off my right hand to help her, so ithurt when she gibed at me like that.
"I'm sorry I was impatient! I wanted so badly to help you, dear. Youmust forgive me if I was cross."
"Babs, _don't_!" she gasped, and her face was convulsed with emotion.For one breathless moment, as we clutched hands and drew close together,I thought the breakdown had come at last, but she fought down her sobs,crying in tones of piteous entreaty--
"Don't let me cry! Stop me! Oh, Babs, don't let me do it. If I oncebegin I can never stop!"
"But wouldn't it be a relief to you, darling? Everyone has beenterrified lest you were putting too great a strain on yourself. If yougave way once to me--it doesn't matter for me--it might do you good.Cry, darling, if you want, and I'll cry with you!"
But she protested more vigorously than ever. "No, no, I daren't! Ican't face it! Be cross with me--be neglectful--leave me to myself, butfor pity's sake don't be so patient, Babs! It makes me silly, and Imust keep up, whatever happens. Say something now to make me stop--quickly!"
"I expect the men will be here any moment. You'll look hideous with redeyes," I said gruffly. It was the only thing I could think of, andperhaps it did as well as anything else, for she calmed down by degrees,and there was no more sign of a breakdown that night.
After that day we seemed to understand each other better, and when I sawdanger signals I was snappy on purpose, and felt like a martyr when Willand Mr Carstairs glared at me, and thought what a wretch I was. Wewanted Vere to be resigned and natural about her illness, but we dreadedand feared a hysterical breakdown, which must leave her weaker thanever, and she had said herself that if she once began to cry she couldnever leave off.