by D. N. Carter
Paul pushed himself backwards and propped himself up against the main stone fire surround and looked to the floor. As he sat up, he clasped the handle of his sword. Alisha gasped in alarm. Quickly he looked at her. Stunned that she would even think he would harm her, he quickly let go of the handle.
“Ali, ’tis not my way to ever harm you…though I clearly have emotionally,” he said softly. Surprised, Alisha tilted her head confused by his response. She shook her head. “I do not lie when I say you are my world… and my love for you will never end,” he said and pulled himself to his feet. He took a deep breath and looked down at her. “My love is that strong for you, that…” He hesitated. “That if Nicholas has your heart too, then I will be content knowing you will find happiness with him. If you have to choose between us, then I beg you choose him for I would never be happy knowing that there could possibly come a day when you would question if you had made the right choice,” he said softly and knelt down opposite her. He looked into her eyes, the eyes of the only woman he had ever loved or would. An emptiness filled him and he was numb as he looked at her save for the pain of knowing she had been with Nicholas. He had always known of the attraction between them, but always believed Alisha would never cross that line. ‘And especially now of all times’, he thought. But then that is perhaps why she had, he told himself. He hated seeing her in so much pain and emotional turmoil and blamed himself. Nicholas was a good and honourable man, which was the only consolation he could think of. “Do not be ashamed, my love. If it is so in this life that you will love another, so be it,” he said and stood up. Alisha reached out to grab his leg and looked up at him. “But I cannot stay here.”
“Paul, yes you can and you must…if not for me, then for Ailia. She needs you,” Alisha pleaded and pulled herself up and grabbed Paul’s mantle. “We need you. Did you not hear what I said…’tis you that I love more…I made a terrible, mad mistake.”
Paul looked at her and again all he wanted to do was hold her. It surprised him that he felt no anger toward her or Nicholas. The thoughts of how he had felt for Princess Stephanie entered his mind. He was not so different. He sighed as Alisha looked deeply into his eyes. Paul understood within himself that with the promises he had made to find a way to convey the secrets of the past and the ever present threat of Turansha, he knew he would have to leave and resolve the matter one way or another. Set the codes, pass them on, form Saladin’s Templars and kill Turansha. In that instant, he had decided Alisha and Ailia’s best chances for happiness and safety lay with Nicholas. Over emotional, delusional or plain martyr attitude he told himself, it did not matter. Either way, his former life was irretrievably lost to him forever. He gently kissed Alisha on the head, her perfumed hair filling his nostrils with the smell that he loved and always reminded him of her. She wrapped her arms around his legs but he gently pulled them away. As she looked up at him, he placed the poem in her hand and closed her fingers around it and kissed her hand. As she opened her hand to look at it, he picked up the parchment tube then walked over to the door and opened it. He took one last look back at her as she slowly looked up at him. She was as always beautiful. His hand shaking, he closed the door behind him. He stood still for a moment, the world outside carrying on just as before. Sister Lucy coughed loudly from the end of the corridor. He turned and slowly walked towards her. He did not know if she knew about Alisha and Nicholas. Theodoric appeared holding his chest. He was not smiling as he normally did. Sister Lucy could see immediately the crushed emotion behind Paul’s eyes.
“She told you didn’t she?” she simply asked.
Theodoric looked at her, puzzled, then back at Paul. He feigned a brave smile at Theodoric.
“I must leave…please look after them whilst I am gone,” Paul said quietly.
“Going where…you have only just arrived?” Theodoric asked, alarmed.
“Did she also tell you they stopped before fully consummating the act?” Sister Lucy asked bluntly. A shudder ran down Paul’s spine just imagining Alisha making love to Nicholas, the pain of it physically hurting inside his chest. “Do not be a bloody fool and run from this. You damn well stay and you damn well fight for her do you hear?” she demanded.
“Paul!” Alisha called out from behind him as she stood at the doorway. “Stay,” she pleaded.
Paul felt as if he was about to fall into a thousand pieces. Her words how he reminded her of Arri echoed in his head. He wanted to run down the corridor and hold her and never let her go, but he knew he had to leave. He looked at Theodoric and Sister Lucy.
“I cannot,” he said in a broken voice and moved to walk away.
Sister Lucy started to thump him on the chest with both hands, Theodoric immediately pulling her back.
“Yes you damn well can,” she said angrily as Theodoric pulled her further away from him. Paul looked down the corridor at Alisha, her shoulders dropping seeing he was leaving. She fell to her knees. Immediately Sister Lucy rushed toward her. “You are a bloody fool, Master Paul…a bloody fool if you go,” she shouted.
Paul took two paces back, nodded at Theodoric and without any further words turned and walked down the wide stone stairway. Princess Stephanie saw him coming down and waited for him. She smiled but instantly saw the sadness in his face. She placed her hand upon his forearm as he stopped beside her.
“I shall not be staying…sorry,” he said and walked away before she could ask why. She watched him as he crossed the main reception entrance hall and went out into the courtyard beyond.
In the stables, Paul tightened the main straps of the saddle, checked his satchels were secure and the parchment tube locked in place, then patted Adrastos. Stewart rushed over nearly slipping over as he tried to stop.
“What is this I hear, you are leaving? What is going on, Paul?” he demanded.
Paul looked at him just as Theodoric approached carrying Ailia. He sighed heavily thinking he was using her to persuade him to stay.
“I am not here to convince you to stay…Luce has told me what happened… well Alisha did actually. Personally I think you are a fool to leave as well,” he said as Ailia reached out to Paul. Paul took her in his arms and hugged her tightly. “Go if you must…but never doubt that woman has and will always love you.”
“Will someone tell me just what the hell is going on here?” Stewart asked.
“Don’t go…please,” Ailia said, upset.
“Listen my, young princess. I have to. It will not be forever…but you know there are some bad men out there who wish us harm now don’t you?” Paul said as he looked at her and brushed her fringe aside. She put her fingers to her mouth and nodded yes. “Well, I am going to sort them so they never harm you nor Mummy ever again. And Nicholas, well you know he likes you and Mummy very much. Well he will protect you while I do what I must do. So you must promise me you will be good for them.”
“Nicholas,” Stewart said aloud and looked toward the Templar office. In that instant he knew and understood what had obviously taken place. “The bastard!” he said and went to move but Paul grabbed his arm in a vice like grip, which surprised Stewart. “I am not stupid and I know what has occurred here.”
“Stewart…all is not as it seems, trust me on this. Swear to me you will help both Alisha and Nicholas. He is a good and noble man,” Paul said, still holding his arm firmly. “Swear it.”
Stewart looked at Theodoric, confused. He nodded he would.
“I…I swear it, brother, though I do not understand why.”
“And you, my little Princess. I swear to you I shall see you again. I am always with you and you are always with me, carried inside my heart, as is Arri.”
“Paul, ’tis neither wise nor safe for us to stay here in Kerak. I shall take them all back to Fustat and on to France just as soon as I am able to arrange it all. Does that meet with your approval?” Theodoric asked.
“Yes it does. The sooner the better. You are a good friend, Theo. I shall miss you,” Paul replied. “I have a great and
good family of which I am very proud,” he continued to say, looking at Stewart. “Now here. Take Ailia, her mother will worry.” Ailia clung on tighter. “Please be brave and do not cry for I wish to take the image of you smiling away with me.”
“If we go to France, will you fetch Arri and take him there?” Ailia asked.
“Perhaps…if it becomes possible…now please, I must leave now,” Paul answered.
Ailia reluctantly let go of Paul and went to Stewart. Paul hugged Theodoric and patted him on the back, Theodoric getting emotional as tears welled in his eyes. He tried to laugh it off quickly. Paul mounted Adrastos, rubbed his hand upon Ailia’s head.
“Be safe, my brother, and come back to us soon,” Stewart said.
“Please inform Tenno and Percival after I am gone at least an hour, for you know they will try to follow me. And…and tell Nicholas….tell him,” he paused as he led Adrastos out of the stable. “Tell him I still love him like a brother too.”
“Paul, ’tis far too dangerous to be out there alone, you must not go. There must be another way surely?” Stewart remarked.
“Believe me, what dangers are out there are nothing compared to the dangers of loving a beautiful woman,” Paul said and tried to laugh. “Besides…I shall not be alone and I have this,” he continued and placed his hand upon his sword. “Fear not, I am not going off to do some foolhardy reckless suicidal action. I have an entire family under threat I must protect and secure their futures. And I can only do that alone.”
Stewart grabbed Paul’s leg as he rode past him.
“Let me come with you?” Stewart asked.
“No, my brother. Where I am going no one else can go,” Paul replied and paused as he looked at Stewart then Theodoric. “This is something I have to do alone…but I swear it, I will return.”
“You make damn sure you look after yourself do you hear? And you better return,” Stewart remarked, emotion welling in his eyes.
Paul looked at him and smiled. So much had changed between them since La Rochelle and for the better, he thought.
“Don’t go getting yourselves killed in the mean time because of Reynald,” Paul remarked then smiled at him and Ailia, bowed his head, faced forward then immediately rode Adrastos toward the main gates, glancing briefly back to see Princess Stephanie watching him, puzzled. As he approached the main gate, he looked up in time to see Alisha looking down through the opened wooden shutters at him. She went to raise her hand but stopped herself, seeing that he was actually going. She clasped her chest as a pain shot through her and she gasped taking in a sharp breath. Sister Lucy stepped into view beside her and gently pulled her away from the window. Princess Stephanie saw them but by the time she looked back at Paul, he was out of sight and gone.
Theodoric stood beside Stewart holding Ailia in his arms.
“Well…now correct me in case I am wrong, but he did not say we could not mention this to Thomas and his men now did he?” Theodoric asked and rubbed his chin.
When Paul reached the furthest summit from Kerak heading north, he looked back. He felt betrayed and broken, yet his heart remembered everything of Alisha and his children. He placed his hand over his chest. ‘A heart’s memory’ he said aloud to himself then continued on his journey.
PART XII
Chapter 67
Wilderness of the Soul
Port of La Rochelle, France, Melissae Inn, spring 1191
“I would have killed Nicholas for sure,” the Hospitaller remarked and shook his head.
“Why did Paul not confront Nicholas?” Ayleth asked.
“What do you do when people whom you love and care more for than yourself do that to you? But Paul knew he needed to get himself as far away from both Alisha and Nicholas as quickly as possible for he feared that if he actually saw him he may have said or done something he would regret,” the old man answered.
“So Alisha ended up with Nicholas after all?” Gabirol asked.
“Let me explain what happened next,” the old man answered and paused as he considered how to explain matters. “Alisha could not face Nicholas at first, the shame she felt was so terrible a burden to carry. ’Twas Theodoric who spoke with him first. He made him swear not to reveal to anyone what had happened between them, especially to Thomas and his men for he feared they would have run him through on the spot such was their love for her and Paul. Stewart had stood with Theodoric, and true to his promise to Paul, he did not make issue with him, though if looks could kill, Nicholas would have most certainly dropped dead on the spot. It was plain enough to see in Nicholas’s eyes and whole demeanour how broken he too felt.”
“So what happened?” Simon asked impatiently, outstretching his hands.
“Theodoric had a good idea Paul would seek out Turansha and revenge, but he also knew how dangerous that path would be for him. The Devil looks after his own as they say and Turansha certainly was in league with some kind of evil force. It was agreed that Stewart must go with Ishmael, for Tenno refused to leave Alisha and Ailia’s side ever again, to seek Paul out before he became truly lost to them. When Percival found out, you can imagine, there was no stopping him from going too. When Brother Teric learnt he had left alone, there were some very unholy choice words thrown about.”
“But Stewart was the Gonfanier was he not?” Gabirol asked.
“Yes he was…but Master Jakelin and Brother Teric knew full well his service was required to seek Paul more than the Order’s needs at that time.”
“And Alisha?” Sarah asked.
“Alisha,” the old man repeated and paused. “Remember how Kratos had once taken her aside and imparted a secret? Well, as she clutched the very first poem Paul had ever written to her, only then did she recall the words Kratos had told her…that a day would come when a great calamity would befall her…and that when it did, she must remain strong and forgive herself for her actions, lest she destroy herself, for it would not be her fault alone. When Paul had been missing at sea and then beneath the pyramids, both times she had thought that is what he had been referring too, but as she sat alone in that cold and empty bed chamber, only then did she finally realise what his words had really be preparing her for. Upon reflection she realised that in making love to Nicholas, she had been trying to block out the whole world…its darkness and pain with all its loss, even if only momentarily. She is not the first to do such a thing and she will certainly not be the last.”
“I think it cruel Kratos even said such a thing in the first place,” the farrier remarked.
“Forewarned is forearmed. Besides, Alisha thought that if Kratos had known that years in advance, then other things he had said about events to come would also happen. That gave her the smallest thread of hope to cling onto…for Kratos had said, in time they would be together again and always.”
“Yes but I bet he did not say whether in this life or the next?” Simon stated and folded his arms cynically.
“No he did not,” the old man sighed. “But it was enough to make her get up, fired with a renewed determination within her to get through the ordeal and she recalled the words of advice she had heard Tenno tell Arri many times…to look up, get up and never give up…and nor would she until she had gotten Paul back.”
“I am guessing Paul must have been found as his sword and shield is here now?” Simon asked.
“Could have found him dead!” the Genoese sailor stated bluntly.
The old man looked at the Genoese sailor and shrugged his shoulders.
“Speaking of prophecy, for surely that is what Kratos and the other people of light imparted as you have revealed thus far, then what of the secret or prophecy the woman of light or angel, told Paul at Arri’s grave?” Gabirol asked.
“I shall come to that shortly,” the old man replied quietly.
Crac de Moab, Oultrajordain, Kingdom of Jerusalem, December 7th 1186
Alisha sat on her knees upon a fur skin rug in front of a large fire, just staring at the flames in a daze, her eyes wide. She held
her hands across her tummy and gently rocked herself back and forwards. When Paul had left, Sister Lucy had pulled her away, only for Alisha to collapse to her knees. She could not cry any more, nor speak, in a state of total shock for all that had happened. Whilst Sister Lucy organised her a hot bath, Ailia asleep in the small side room, Alisha felt empty, an emptiness she had never experienced before. ‘A waking death,’ she thought to herself. How could she hope to get Paul back, especially as he was now alone in a land full of danger? It was getting dark outside as she turned slowly to look out of the window. Tenno’s words echoed through her mind, yet she wondered how or even where to begin. She knew Tenno was close but he kept himself almost hidden from her now, but always there protecting and watching over her and Ailia.
“Ali,” Sister Lucy whispered as she approached. “Ali, my child.”
Alisha heard her words, but in her mind it was Firgany she was hearing and sensing. She looked up slightly, enough to see her dagger placed on the fireside mantle, one of the last things Arri had ever touched. She focused upon it. Her heart physically ached for him. She tried to take comfort from all the experiences and events she had seen and witnessed that in her mind confirmed life went on after death. She prayed Arri was okay and with Raja and Firgany looking down upon her. Though probably ashamed of her actions she thought and sighed. With sadness heavy in her heart and on her face, she looked at Sister Lucy.
“Please…when you first loved Theodoric, you were betrothed to another…did you break your marriage vows to make love to him, or did you wait?” Alisha asked hesitantly, searching Sister Lucy’s eyes for her reaction.
“Aye that I did,” she answered and feigned a smile. “But ’twas different from your circumstances…for Theodoric was and is, and shall always be, the love of my life. ’Tis not so with you and Nicholas is it?” she asked and clasped hold of Alisha’s hands.