by D. N. Carter
“Ali…look at me…we have been over this so many times,” Paul said softly and raised her chin with his right hand to look up at him. Her eyes were filled with emotion but looked beautiful. “We can never undo what was done…but my trust for you is stronger than ever before. We have started to make a new plate remember.” Alisha closed her eyes, a single tear running down her cheek. “It was something that had to happen,” Paul explained. Alisha opened her eyes wide with surprise at his remark. “Kratos taught and showed me many things whilst I was with him. If you had stayed with me out of guilt, that would have been wrong. If you had to choose between us, I would have told you to choose him,” Paul started to explain and paused seeing the look of panic register upon her face. “To choose him for if you stayed with me and things did not work, you would always regret the choice and resent me. But you came back to me with no doubt left in your heart as there had been before…this I know and feel and that is far more important to me than the physical act that occurred. I will not lie, it hurt and at times it still does, but I need only look in your eyes, your cheeks as you smile, the way your hair hangs over your shoulders…and that you are the mother of two miracles granted unto me,” Paul explained and cupped her face in his hands. She blinked as another tear fell. “You need never apologise again or do penance for I know the pain and regret you torture yourself daily with. ’Tis not what I wish…for I wish to see you laugh again…as you did today.”
“And Arri…what of him?”
“Arri is a scar cut deep within our souls…it will never fully heal and nor should it for we shall never forget him.”
“Never!” Alisha replied emotionally and bit her bottom lip.
“I learnt that true open and honest pure love is not just about forgiving, but understanding and dedicating a commitment to protecting that person’s heart with the same passion you use to guard your own. That is how I feel for you. And Arri…not a day passes when I do not think of him. A thousand reminders a day touch my soul and he would not wish to see you suffer that much I do know. Grief as I said never ends…but it does change, its sharp edges softening with time. It is a passage and path we must all walk but it is not a place to stay or dwell within. Grief is certainly not a weakness when it eats away at your very heart and crushes your soul, and nor is it a lack of faith for it is simply and truly the price we pay for loving so much.”
“They are beautiful and touching words…but how do you know about Arri?”
“I just do. I know he watches us.”
Alisha gulped emotionally as both eyes dropped a tear.
“The intensity of my love for him was such that I face an equal intensity of pain and sorrow so deep…that I do not know how to even breathe at times,” she replied sadly. “I love you and I want and need you now more than ever,” she said softy and kissed him, her lips gently pressing against his, the intensity of her embrace surging though his body reminding him of their first embrace. She pulled away and opened her eyes searching his. “If you will have me again, I wish to be with you joined as one.”
Port of La Rochelle, France, Melissae Inn, spring 1191
The old man stopped talking and sat in silence for a few minutes that seemed to take an age to pass. Simon looked at Gabirol, who shrugged his shoulders. Ayleth held her hands to her mouth anxiously.
“Are you all right?” Miriam asked softly and leaned over toward him placing her hand upon his left hand.
“Oh forgive me. ’Tis the late hour and I tire,” the old man answered and looked at her. He placed his right hand over hers and immediately she felt a sense of great calmness overcome her. She let out a gasp and laughed lightly at the emotion that swept over her. “I am sorry…,” he smiled and released her hand.
“How did you do that?” Miriam asked, perplexed, and rubbed her hand, smiling.
“I have no idea,” the old man replied and smiled broadly.
“So did he lay with her?” the Genoese sailor interrupted, Sarah giving him one of her looks and frowned hard. “Just curious.”
The old man nodded his head yes and then took a small sip of drink from his rose hip water filled glass.
“’Twas like the first time all over again…the intensity of the act but also with the added deep and true love of two people that have shared much…and lost much together. ’Twas neither awkward nor filled with thoughts of Nicholas as one may have expected. Paul slowly undressed her, then she him. They bathed together and afterwards, by the light of a single candle in the bathing chamber, they lay down upon the deer pelts and furs set up upon the raised lounging area. As they joined and became as one, outside in the distance Thomas and his men sang a song, their harmonies filling the evening air with a beautiful sound that made people stop where they were to listen.”
“Didn’t anyone disturb them?” Ayleth asked, embarrassed.
“Nearly…for Sister Lucy came looking for them and having been informed by Master Roger they had gone to the bathing chamber, she sought them out. She almost disturbed them, but saw them in time and slowly, as well as very quietly, backed out and stood guard almost at the doorway. Princess Stephanie appeared and asked after them and went to enter but Sister Lucy barred her from entering with one of her looks and slight shake of her head. Princess Stephanie realising what was obviously taking place sighed very visibly. Sister Lucy sat her down upon one of the stone benches set inside the entrance and comforted her. She understood herself only too well that deep empty and utterly hopeless sense of unrequited love that she clearly recognised in Princess Stephanie’s eyes for Paul.”
“I think it is beautiful,” Sarah remarked staring off in a world of her own as she spun her hair around her finger. Stephan smiled at her seeing her deep expression.
“It was indeed for both felt they had truly and openly joined as one soul. ’Tis an experience few of us are privileged to have. If such a thing as the Hieros Gamos does exist, that true sacred marriage, then they both partook of that mystery that night. ’Twas such an experience that Paul wrote Alisha another poem the following day which he presented to her as they both sat with Ailia and admired the bright blue colours of the Dome of the Rock. Recalling what the female had told him previously beneath the pyramids, he did indeed write her stating he would always return to her no matter the length of time he was ever gone, to always wait.”
“I would love to have read that,” Ayleth remarked.
“You can for it is within the pages of Paul’s folder,” the old man replied and pointed to the leather journal. “I know she would not mind if you read his words. They shared an experience that bound the chains of love between their hearts that would never again come undone. ’Twas far more than a physical act for it was a spiritual act.”
“You mentioned that Thomas and his men sang a song they could all hear. What was that?” Peter asked.
“’Twas a song they always sang having been taught it by their forefathers and theirs before them. It recounts a prophecy when the lion walks with the lamb and the dark sun has passed and Aquarius sits in the heavens’ place, when the goddess of love is joined with Jupiter at the feet of the Virgin, then shall all the world be as one…never to be undone. ’Tis a song that has to be heard to appreciate how the sounds and harmonies touch the soul…and even if you do not understand the words, for they were spoken in the language of the forest, they echo within the soul… some to the point of moving them to tears,” the old man explained.
“This is burnt around the edges?” Gabirol remarked as he removed a small parchment note that had been in a fire.
“Yes it is, but the words are still visible,” the old man replied.
“’Tis in French this time,” Gabirol remarked and flattened the scorched note. “Shall I?” he asked, looking up briefly at the old man. He simply nodded yes. Ayleth nodded yes too immediately eager to hear Paul’s words and so he started to read it. “Now that you are again back with me here, I have nothing to fear. With you is where I belong, and together we are eternally strong. T
here are no words to describe how beautiful and special you are or that can express my love for you. To put them into words would be to define them, to quantify them, which limits them, imposing a beginning and an end, for there is no definition fitting enough. I love the taste of your sweet tender kiss, never I pray to again miss. The way you hold me so tight, everything is forgiven now and so truly right. So know always, no matter how far or out of sight I may be, I shall always return to thee…my wife and her eternal loving embrace, the one whom I honour with total love, devotion and grace.”
“Simple but beautiful,” Ayleth commented and sighed.
“Words when written from the heart need not make sense or read particularly well to others, so long as it is felt and understood by the recipient, that is all that matters,” the old man said looking at her.
“Oh for such words to be spoken just once to me,” she said out loud then immediately blushed, realising her words.
“Your time will surely come…it will,” the old man smiled reassuringly.
“How did the note become burnt?” Simon asked.
The old man, his smile vanishing, looked at him.
“Alisha and Paul managed to stay in Jerusalem until the end of February, by which time Taqi’s bandages were due to be removed, but also word arrived of Reynald’s imminent arrival.
Hospitallers’ quarter, Jerusalem, Kingdom of Jerusalem, February 22nd 1187
Alisha, escorted by Tenno, stood in the cold early morning air with Ailia watching as Stewart dressed in his full Templar fighting order tightened the saddle straps around his horse then pulled down the black and white blanket with the Templar markings on. He smiled when he turned and saw Alisha with Ailia stood by her side, though she was shivering with the cold. Tenno simply nodded slightly. Several Templars stood readying their horses and equipment alongside a contingent of Hospitaller knights showing their opened cape modifications Master Roger was implementing.
“What brings you here this early hour?” Stewart asked and approached them.
“I heard you were leaving on a joint patrol today with the Hospitallers… and Paul, he does not sleep well these past nights…I fear he still harbours a fever he has not had time to recover from. Attar gives him that drink, cuafi, but that does not seem to help,” Alisha explained just as Brother Upside and Nicholas appeared leading their horses to join the men. Upside elbowed Nicholas hard, Alisha feigning a look of disapproval to him. “Brother Upside…there is no need of that upon Brother Nicholas.”
“Yes there is. There is always reason to knock this one about,” Brother Upside joked in reply.
“Good morning to you,” Nicholas said politely and part bowed his head. “We have Thomas and his men attending today too. ’Tis a pity Paul does not join us for his company would be most welcome,” he continued and looked at Ailia and smiled.
“My papa is not too well, Mr Templar,” Ailia replied and half hid herself behind Alisha’s dress.
“Is he not?” Stewart asked, concerned.
“He has a slight fever still that is all or I am sure he would have joined you. I came to bid you all a safe patrol and to return speedily for we have need of leaving soon for Tortosa.”
“Then please pray tell us when you plan to leave for I am sure Brother Teric can clear it with Master Jakelin for us to escort you,” Nicholas said, Tenno nodding in agreement.
“I am sure we can do that,” Stewart agreed then stepped closer. “Ali…I know you well enough so please, why have you really come to see us this early hour?”
Alisha blushed and laughed nervously as she held Ailia’s hand tightly. Nicholas and Brother Upside listened intently their curiosity roused.
“Paul speaks in his sleep…or has done several times these past few nights,” she began to explain quietly. “He calls out that girl Tara who was killed and also Elek…but,” she hesitated as she looked down at Ailia and rubbed her hand through her hair before looking back at Stewart. “But he also calls out for your mother. ’Tis something he has never done before. Then when he wakes he speaks of having to serve as a knight…Both Orders want him and he is torn and says that perhaps he owes a debt of duty for all that everyone has done…yet I for all my selfish sins do not wish this of him.”
“We can break his legs so he can never join either,” Brother Upside interrupted, looking serious, causing Ailia to frown at him. “I was joking.”
“Then best we get you all away from here and back home to where you truly belong,” Stewart replied and placed his hand upon her shoulder reassuringly.
“’Twas after he wore the mantle and took Gerard’s brief commission…it somehow affected him,” Alisha explained as Tenno nodded in agreement.
“Then we must dissuade him of any such ideas,” Nicholas said and knelt down to look at Ailia. She smiled at him. “You have your mother’s eyes, young lady, and I bet your father’s heart. What do you say about your father staying here as a knight…with us?”
Alisha looked at him and frowned hard but Nicholas just winked up at her then looked back at Ailia. Briefly she looked at Alisha then back at Nicholas.
“My papa has done enough,” Ailia said quietly and shook her head no then quickly looked up at Alisha.
0 - 0
“There is your answer. She misses nothing despite her young age,” Nicholas said and stood up. “Advise Paul to have your brother ready to leave when we return. None of us can afford to delay any longer…agreed?”
“And if Master Jakelin does not approve?” Alisha asked and held Ailia close to her side.
“You know he will…if not, he loses a knight,” Nicholas replied and bowed his head slightly.
“And I was just getting used to this again,” Brother Upside remarked and pulled a face as he tugged at his mantle, making Ailia laugh lightly.
Alisha looked at Stewart as he nodded in agreement the same.
“Thank you…all of you. Please be safe,” Alisha said, her voice full of emotion. “Thank you.”
Alisha opened the bed chamber door slowly to see Paul kneeling beside their only single travelling trunk. He was still dressed in only his white night gown. Sister Lucy gestured for Ailia to keep quiet and to follow her as Tenno held the door ajar. Alisha mouthed a thank you to him as she entered the room quietly. The door shut with a slight clank of the handle but it did not disturb Paul, who was clearly deep in thought as he folded his Templar mantle. She stood in silence and watched him for several minutes as he ran his finger over the Templar cross. He opened the trunk and saw the silk scarf Firgany had given Alisha years previously on their sea voyage together. He recalled the words he thought Firgany had said warning him of Taqi being assaulted by Reynald.
“I forget…I am sorry. I shall remind her to wear it,” Paul spoke out to himself still unaware Alisha was in the room. He pulled the scarf to his face and smelt it, her perfume upon it. “I love her with all my heart and all my soul, Firgany…and I miss your wise counsel.”
“And I love you too,” Alisha said softly and stepped towards him.
He opened his eyes, surprised but pleased to see her as she quickly knelt down beside him. She cupped her hands around his face and kissed him on his lips. When she finished she stared at him whilst still holding her hands to his face. She smiled, her eyes filled with emotion as she looked into his seeing a sadness she had never seen before. She shook her head to question him but he feigned a brave smile and sat up straight.
“I am sorry if I kept you awake again…’tis the dreams this place causes me to have,” he explained then lifted up her scarf. “And this, I forgot to ask you to wear it again as your father asked me too.”
“What…how do you mean? I mean when?” Alisha asked, looking puzzled.
“The night we took Taqi from Reynald. ’Twas Firgany that appeared to me…in a dream too. He told me that Reynald was beating him and also asked me to remind you to wear your scarf to remember him by.”
Alisha sat back upon her legs and rested her arms down. She sighed but s
miled at the same time. Gently she took the scarf, Paul’s yellow and black with crimson thread headband falling from it. He laughed to himself seeing it fall to the floor.
“I do not need any scarf to remember him by…and you can tell him that next time he appears,” Alisha replied and pulled Paul closer, wrapping her arms around his neck tightly. “But what else troubles you in your dreams?” she whispered.
“Tears…so many tears of war. ’Tis all I see. I saw a pigeon bring a message from Al Rashid in a dream about Taqi. Then it really happened a few days later when Attar recovered it. Now I am torn for this sense of guilt that keeps hitting me that I too should stand and fight alongside my friends and brother either as Templar or Hospitaller…yet my own selfish needs always call me back to you. Am I so wrong to think such selfish acts?”
Alisha shook her head no as tears welled in her eyes.
“You know, I have so stopped trying not to cry these days for it is all I seem to do. But you…no it is not selfish to wish it so for I too feel it and wish it too. So let us cry the tears of war that it may wash away the pain, blood and sorrow and go home…a home we should never have left… please.”
“I thought I was taking us to a better life,” Paul replied sadly.
“You did. We must never forget the unbelievable sights we have seen. The true friends we have made along the way…and those we have lost. And when we return, then together you and your father can do what is required of you so the whole world may one day learn the truths of this world…that is your destiny…so let the tears of war fall where they may for it is not a fight you have started.”
“No it is not…but I fear it is one I should finish…and I know Abi thinks the same.”
“Then finish it where and in the best way possible…by educating people to that which they have all lost sight of and forgotten. Awaken the true spirit within people, then and only then will the tears of war finally stop falling, and that as we both know is not a naive or foolish hope for we have seen what is possible,” Alisha stated, her tone almost pleading with him as she grasped his hands tightly. “This place, whatever forces are at work here, they debilitate and exhaust you and for that reason alone we shall leave upon the return of Stewart’s patrol,” she explained as Paul stared into her eyes. “Until then, you must rest…and I shall lie with you.” She rested her head against his chest and held him as he gently placed his arms around her and simply held her.