by E. L. Todd
Slade came and tapped me awkwardly on the shoulder. “You’re…okay.”
I laughed. “Is that the most I’m going to get out of you?”
“Yep…for like a year.”
“Well, thanks.”
“I’m proud of you too.” Arsen’s hand was back to where it belonged. He pressed his lips to my hairline and kissed me the way I loved.
Mom smiled while she watched us. “So cute…”
“I’m going to gag.” Slade grabbed Trinity and pulled her away.
Dad rolled his eyes. “Maybe one day our kids will get along.”
“If everyone else in the world was dead,” Mom said with a laugh.
“Well, good night.” Dad grabbed Mom’s hand. “We’ll see you at graduation.”
“Good night,” I said.
Dad walked to Arsen then pulled him in for a hug. “It’s nice seeing you. Keep making my daughter smile. No one else pulls it off like you.”
Arsen chuckled. “I’ll try, sir.”
“Don’t call me sir. I sound like a stuck up asshole.”
Arsen laughed. “Whoops. My apologies.”
Mom glared at Dad. “Well, you are an asshole.”
He gave her a threatening look. “Someone’s in trouble when we get home…”
Mom rolled her eyes then hugged Arsen next. “We love seeing you. So handsome.”
Dad growled. “Get off James Dean.”
Mom laughed then returned to my father. “Jealous, much?”
“Slut, much?”
They argued all the way back to the car.
When they were gone, I turned to Arsen and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, suddenly feeling nervous.
He stared at me, and remorse came into his eyes. “I’m sorry about everything I said.”
I wanted to say it was okay, but it wasn’t.
“I take it back. I just…I get stressed out sometimes. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”
“You hurt me every time you do it.”
He took a deep breath. “I know, baby.”
“Just stop doing it.”
“I’ll try.”
I stared at him, unsure what to say.
“Can I sleep with you tonight?”
“Depends…” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“On what?” he asked quietly.
“Why were you late?”
He looked away and considered the question for a long time. “I couldn’t make up my mind.”
“And why did you come?”
He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Because the idea of letting you down hurt too much…and I wanted to be here.”
I kept my distance from him and watched his face. “That’s not good enough.”
Confusion came into his eyes. “Well, it’s the truth.”
“No, it isn’t.”
He stared into my eyes. “What do you want me to say?”
“You know what I want you to say.” I stared him down and didn’t look away.
He held my gaze then shifted his weight, clearly uncomfortable.
I didn’t back off.
He knew what I wanted. He clenched his jaw then became flustered. He felt cornered, unable to get away. “Why do I have to say it?” he whispered. “It doesn’t make it more true.”
“Actually, it does.”
He looked away and pressed his lips tightly together.
“Arsen,” I pressed.
He rubbed the back of his neck. “I just can’t…”
“Why?”
He took a deep breath then closed his eyes for a moment. “I just…can’t.”
I walked to him then pressed my face closer to his. “Why?” I repeated.
He wouldn’t look at me. “I’m not good at this sort of thing.”
“You’re good with me.”
He opened his eyes and looked into mine. “The fact you know how I feel without me saying it is more important anyway.”
“I want more.” I moved my hands up his chest until I cupped his cheeks. Then I pressed my forehead against his.
“My mom…she never told me she loved me.” His voice cracked at the end but then returned to normal. He was a master at hiding his emotions. They hardly leaked through. He kept them shut up so tightly they barely escaped. “No one ever did.”
“Arsen?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you—with my whole heart.”
He closed his eyes again and took a deep breath.
I kissed the corner of his mouth then let my lips linger there for a moment. Then I pulled away. “Now tell me you feel the same way.”
He was silent. His eyes opened again and he looked at me. But his lips didn’t move. All he did was shake his head.
“What are you afraid of?”
“That if I tell you, you’ll leave.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “When my mom dropped me off, my last words were I love you. She never said it back. Instead, she lied to me and said she would be right back.”
My heart broke. I hated hearing about his painful childhood, but I was desperate to know every detail at the same time. His pain was my pain. Together, we would carry it. “Arsen, if I haven’t gone anywhere by now, I’m not going to.”
He stared at me.
“You keep trying to push me away, wanting me to leave because you think I’m going to take off anyway. But at the same time, you don’t. Just stop trying to keep us apart. We always come back to each other.”
He rested his face against mine and took a deep breath. His fingers dug into me, wanting to hold onto me as tightly as possible. He brought me closer into his chest and tightened his hold. Then he buried his head in the crook of my neck and breathed deeply, his warm breath kissing my skin. “Why do you put up with me?”
“I already told you why.”
“You could have whoever you want. Why me?”
“You’re special, Arsen.”
“I’m just a loser…”
“No, you aren’t. Don’t say that again.”
He breathed into my neck and tightened his hold. “You give me so much joy…I feel like I only give you pain.”
“You give me both. Arsen, they’re the same thing.”
“Sometimes it’s hard for me because…you’re such a beautiful girl. You’re so perfect in every way. Just when I think you can’t be more amazing, you are. You’re so gorgeous on the inside, and you’re even more stunning on the outside. I don’t deserve you.”
“But you do deserve me, Arsen.”
He released a sarcastic laugh. “No, I don’t.”
“Then do something to make it true.”
He tightened his grip. “I’ll try…I’ll try.”
Chapter Six
Conrad
Beatrice and I hadn’t spoken in a week. After the awkward night, she went back to her apartment and didn’t call me. I didn’t call her either.
Honestly, I was a little mad. I kissed her only because I thought she wanted me to. She was sleeping in my bed, wearing my clothes, and she curled up with me like I was her lover. She did everything with me, but the second I touched her, it all went to shit.
But I had to be patient with her. I knew she was complicated from the beginning but I still chose to pursue her. And now that I cared about her so much, it was hard to imagine my life without her. She was my best friend.
I didn’t try talking to her because I thought giving her space was a good idea. After the way her father harassed her, I refused to do anything that remotely reminded her of him. I didn’t go to her apartment and I didn’t call her. I didn’t head to the library where she worked. I just left it alone.
“Is everything okay?” Theo asked from across the table.
My mind was elsewhere. “I’ve been better.”
“You want to talk about it?” Theo was in a good mood. He’d been ecstatic for weeks since he got together with Alex. I didn’t want to rain on his parade but Beatrice was suffocating my thoughts.
“It�
��s Beatrice…”
“Well, I figured that.”
“I kissed her.”
He stilled. “And…?”
“She ended it and ran away.”
“Damn, you’re that bad?”
I glared at him. “She said she just wants to be friends.”
“Then why did you kiss her?” he asked.
This is the part that made me frustrated. I launched into a detailed description of our relationship and how we slept together in my bed. Theo nodded along with my story.
“Yeah…definitely not friends.”
“Which is why I don’t understand why she pushes me away.”
“Maybe she’s gay,” he said hesitantly.
“No.” I knew she wasn’t gay.
He shrugged. “Did you ask her?”
“She’s not,” I said firmly.
“Then I don’t know…maybe she has feelings for some other guy?”
“Who?” I demanded. “She spends every waking hour with me.”
“Have you talked to her since then?”
“No.” I rested my elbows on the table. “I’m giving her space.”
“How long has it been?”
“A week.”
“That’s a long time to give someone space,” Theo said.
“Well, she’s different.”
“You say that a lot.” He played with his watch while he looked at me.
“Because she is.”
“Can I say something?” he asked hesitantly.
“Why do you think I’m talking to you about it?” I snapped.
He didn’t snap back at me, and I knew it was because I was going through a hard time. “You already put months and months into this girl. Like…eight months. That’s a long ass time.”
“Your point?” I asked irritably.
“And you still got nowhere,” he said. “Beatrice is nice, smart, and of course she’s beautiful but…I think it’s time for you to move on. This is a dead end.”
He was telling me what I already knew. “I know…I just really like her.”
“You don’t have to stop talking to her indefinitely. You can still be friends…real friends.”
“It won’t be the same.”
“Well, I don’t know what else to say.” He stared at me for a moment. “Did she at least say why?”
“No,” I said irritably. “That’s the part that gets to me the most. She won’t tell me.”
“Odd…”
“I know,” I said with a sigh.
“Well, I’m here for you, man. I wish I had something better to say.”
“No, it’s okay.” I stared at the bookshelves and tried to process my thoughts. The idea of moving on from Beatrice made me sad. I never liked a girl the way I liked her. My heart didn’t slam in my chest when other girls were near. She brought out a different side to me.
“Let’s go out tonight,” Theo said. “It’ll cheer you up.”
Nothing could cheer me up. “Sure.”
***
I headed to the library before her shift ended. I knew she didn’t want to talk to me but I couldn’t let the silence drag on any longer. When she clocked out, she grabbed her purse and headed toward the door. Then she spotted me.
She stopped for a moment and looked at me. Her hair was just as perfect as always. Every feature only reminded me how beautiful she was. When I looked at her lips, I thought of our last kiss.
Then she kept going, approaching me slowly.
I stared at her, seeing the apprehension on her face. “I’m not trying to bother you. If you—”
“You aren’t bothering me, Conrad.”
I put my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t touch her. “If you just want to be friends, I can do that.”
She studied my face.
“But real friends. Like, the kind that see each other every now and then. The kind that don’t hold hands and share ear buds. I can give you what you want. But, you can’t lead me on like that again. I really thought we had something. The fact you let it go on for so long is unacceptable. You had no right to get mad at me for what I did. You were sleeping in my bed and wearing my clothes. Any guy would have gotten the same impression.”
She didn’t argue with me. Then she nodded her head slowly. “You’re right.”
“So…I guess that’s it.” I hoped she would change her mind and say a friendship wasn’t acceptable to her. I wanted her to say she wanted all of me, the way I wanted her. But she didn’t.
“Yeah…I guess.”
Was this really the end?
“Well, I’ll see you around then.”
“Okay.” Her voice came out weak.
I turned around and walked away. I didn’t offer to walk her to her car or ask her if she wanted to get coffee. I pretended she was just some person that I ran into every now and then.
And it really hurt.
***
“Order another beer,” Theo said. “It’s on me.”
No amount of alcohol would make me feel better. “I talked to her earlier.”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing,” I said bitterly. “Nothing. She let me walk away and didn’t give a damn.” I stared at the table for a moment. “Yeah, I do want another round.”
Theo snapped his fingers at the bartender and a bottle appeared. “You’ll feel better soon. Chicks come and go.”
I had a feeling it would take me a while to get over her. “How’s it going with Alex?”
“Awesome,” he said with a smile. “She’s the cutest damn thing in the world.”
“Cute? She went from the most annoying thing to the cutest?”
“And sexy too.” He winked.
“Well, I’m happy for you.” I tapped my beer against his. “Bringing her to Easter?”
“I don’t know, actually.” Theo thought for a moment. “I’ll ask her but I’m not sure if it’s too soon.”
I shrugged. “It’s just Easter. It’s not like it’s Christmas.”
“Yeah.” He became thoughtful.
I stared at everyone in the bar. A few girls were dancing and I recognized some of them. A table housed four girls in short dresses. They had nice legs but none of them compared to Beatrice. I couldn’t get that girl out of my head.
Theo turned and watched a few girls giggle. “Speaking of the devil…”
“What?”
“That’s my squeeze over there.”
Alex was wearing a short dress and chatting with two girlfriends. She laughed and looked like she was having a good time.
“Excuse me.” Theo left the chair and darted toward her. When he reached her, he immediately pushed up behind her then brought his lips to her ear, whispering something only for her to hear.
Seeing them together made me sick. The only intimacy I had with Beatrice bit me in the ass.
“You’re looking good…” Stacy dropped into the seat next to me and swayed back and forth. Then she busted up laughing.
I waved her breath away, which reeked like alcohol. “Having fun?”
She laughed again. “So much fun. Hey, where’s your girlfriend?”
That made me depressed all over again. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“You don’t?” She leaned toward me and smiled. “That’s interesting…” Her elbow slipped and her face fell on the table. Then she laughed again.
Damn, she was annoying.
“I think you’re really hot.” She rubbed my forearm.
I pulled it away.
“Shit, that chick is hammered,” a guy near me said. “She’ll be an easy lay.” He walked over to Stacy. “Hey, you want a ride?”
“Sure,” Stacy blurted.
I didn’t like that at all. Stacy would have said yes to anything, even skydiving. “No.” I stood up and glared at the guy. “That’s low, man.” He knew what I was talking about.
He met my glare then walked away.
I only slept with Stacy when she was sober, not when she didn’t know her
nose from her ass. “Stacy, let’s go.”
“I want to ride you all night long!”
“Shh!” I grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet. She was unable to walk, so I scooped her up and carried her to my truck. By the time I got her in the passenger seat, she was fast asleep.
After I drove home, I dropped her on my bed then slept on the couch. Even though someone else was staying in the apartment with me, I felt alone.
***
Beatrice left a few things in my bathroom. Her toothbrush was there and so was her eyelash curler and lipstick. It was stuff that was easily replaceable but I felt guilty throwing them away. I shoved them into my bag so I could return them to her.
I finished my classes for the day then walked to the parking lot. I meant to stop by the library and see if Beatrice was there but a part of me wasn’t ready to look at her. It would just make me long for her more than I already did.
But as I headed down the path, I spotted her coming my way. I stopped when I saw her.
She walked a few more feet then noticed my presence. She stared at me for a few seconds before she walked again. When she reached me, she studied my face like she hadn’t seen it in years. “Hi…”
“Hey.” I felt awkward being near her. It just wasn’t the same anymore. Perhaps we could never be friends. Then I remembered what was in my bag. “You forgot a few things at my place.”
“I did?”
I opened my bag and pulled everything out. “It’s nothing major but I didn’t want to throw it away.”
She held everything in her hands. “Well, thanks…”
“Yeah…”
She put her bag on the ground and started to place everything inside.
“Conrad!”
I turned to see Stacy walking toward me.
God, she was annoying. What did she want?
“Your bed is sooo comfortable. I’m going to have to get drunk and run into you at the bar more often.”
Beatrice flinched while she was on the ground.
I glared at Stacy and wished she would keep her big mouth shut.
Stacy reached me and hugged me even though I didn’t return the embrace. “You’re such a good guy, Conrad.” She patted my back then kept walking.
Beatrice rose to her feet but her hands were shaking.
I felt the need to explain what happened with Stacy the other night but I didn’t know how.
Beatrice fumbled with her bag then dropped it, clearly flustered. She grabbed it and her hair obscured her face. Then she moved back to her feet then quickly turned away.