Everything and More

by E. L. Todd

  “You’re still a good person—”

  He slammed his fists onto the table. “I am not a good person. Don’t ever say that again.” The crazed look in his eye told me not to argue.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  “I’m sorry this happened. I really am. Our lives could have been different. But my past caught up to me. Maybe it was a good thing…” His eyes lost their light. “You deserve someone better, not some guy in prison.”

  My eyes watered. “But I want you.”

  “Why?” he snapped. “Why? What is it about me you like so much?”

  “Everything,” I said breathlessly. “You’re so much more than this. This is just a small piece of you.”

  “You’re in denial.”

  “No,” I snapped. “I just have faith.”

  “Well, that faith was misplaced.”

  We stared at each other in silence.

  I tried not to cry.

  “Beauty.”

  My eyes turned to him.

  “I don’t want you to come back.” He stared me down as he said it.

  “What?”

  “You heard me.” His confidence didn’t flinch. “If you come again, I won’t see you. If you try to call, I won’t take the phone. If you send me mail, I won’t read it. You need to forget about me and move on.”

  “No…” The tears fell.

  “Yes. I mean it.”

  I breathed hard, unable to process what was happening.

  “Don’t come back. We’re done.”

  “Why?”

  “You know why. I want you to move on and shack up with some other guy—a good one.”

  “But I want you.”

  “Well, I don’t want you,” he hissed.

  “Liar.”

  He glared at me. “You can argue with me, but it won’t change anything.”

  “I’ll wait for you.”

  “Who knows how long I’ll be here?” he snapped. “Who knows how long it’ll be before I’ll even get a trial? Silke, pull your head out of your ass. I’m trash. I’m not good for you.”

  “That’s not true.”

  He clenched his skull in frustration. He took a few breaths before he returned to normal. But his eyes contained his hate. “I want you to know something about me. I think it will help you move on.”

  “Nothing you say will change the way I feel.”

  He rubbed his knuckles. “I sell weed because I don’t want a real job. Having a real job makes you have a digital footprint, which makes it easy for people to track you down. There’s someone I’m running from.”

  “Who?”

  “Five years ago, I knocked up some girl. It was a short-lived romance. When she told me she was pregnant, I left while she was sleeping.”

  My heart started to ache.

  “I kept tabs on her. Her daughter is five and lives in Manhattan. But I was too much of a coward to step up and be a man. I was selfish and didn’t take responsibility for my mistake. How can you possibly love me? I’m a monster.”

  “Why did you leave?” I asked, tears falling down my face.

  “Because I’m an asshole,” he said bluntly.

  “No, that isn’t why.” I stopped my lip from quivering.

  He stared at me blankly.

  “You were afraid you would be a terrible parent, like your own mom. You thought you were doing the right thing by leaving. You thought you were doing the right thing by staying out of your daughter’s life. That’s why.”

  His eyes burned with intensity.

  “And I know you love her. I know you think about her every day. And I know, one day when you’re in a better place, you’re going to go to her and be her father.”

  His eyes coated with moisture and he didn’t blink. He stared at me and then sighed.

  “Yes, I still love you.”

  He stared at his hands then looked back at me. “Leave.”

  I flinched at his words.

  “Leave and never come back.” His eyes conveyed his command.

  I didn’t move.

  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m about to stand up and walk back into my cell. Say what you need to say and leave.”

  “Please don’t do this,” I begged.

  He stared at me with no emotion. “I’m sorry.”

  “We can make it work.”

  “I don’t want to,” he said simply. “I know you think you love me. But when you’re apart from me and time has passed, you’ll realize I made the right decision for you. One day, you’ll be happy with someone. And one day, you’ll thank me for it.”

  Tears cascaded down my face.

  “Goodbye, Beauty.” He stood up then turned away.

  I rose to my feet. “Wait.” I sobbed openly. “Beast, please.”

  He didn’t turn around.

  “Tell me you love me!”

  He stopped in front of the guard, who held the door open. But he didn’t walk in.

  “Please…”

  Arsen took a deep breath then turned around. Slowly, he walked back to me.

  Everyone in the room was staring at us. Even the guards were curious.

  He stopped in front of me and looked into my eyes. His chest rose with the breaths he was taking. His eyes were coated with moisture but the tears didn’t fall.

  I grabbed his hands and felt the cool touch of metal from his handcuffs.

  He closed his eyes for a moment then looked at me. Tears leaked from his eyes and down his cheeks. “Beauty…”

  I couldn’t stop crying.

  “I love you.”

  I cupped his face and kissed him, feeling our tears meld together.

  “And I always will,” he whispered.

  “I love you.” I pressed my face to his. “I love you.”

  He moved his lips to my forehead. “But you didn’t need me to tell you that…” Then he turned around again.

  I clutched my stomach as I watched him go, feeling more pain than I’d ever known. When he was in the cell, the door closed. Without looking back, he walked down the hallway. When I could no longer see the orange color of his jumpsuit or the messy hair I loved, I sat down and tried to stifle my sobs. Everyone kept staring at me but I ignored the looks.

  Arsen was gone.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Conrad

  Beatrice didn’t answer any of my phone calls. When I went to the library to corner her, she wasn’t there. When I walked around campus, she was nowhere to be seen. Every time I texted her, she didn’t respond. All my calls went unanswered.

  I couldn’t believe this was happening.

  The last time Beatrice and I spoke, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to convince her to stay with me. Everyone was watching us, the music was loud, and Candice kept casting dark glances my way.

  There were a million things I wanted to say.

  I had to get her back.

  She had to know how I really felt.

  I avoided going to her apartment because I didn’t want her to feel scared. That was the one place where she could feel safe. When her dad stayed on her doorstep all night, I knew she was terrified even if she didn’t show it. I didn’t want to do the same thing.

  But I was getting desperate.

  Without any other outlet of reaching out to her, I waited in front of her apartment until she came home. Her bag was over her shoulder and she looked miserable. Her lips were pressed tightly together in a frown. Her eyes looked hollow. I got out of my truck then met her at the staircase.

  She flinched when she saw me, her eyes wide.

  “Please let me talk,” I begged.

  Her momentary fear vanished, replaced by anger. “Get away from me. I have nothing to say to you.”

  “Well, I have something to say to you.”

  She took a step toward the stairs.

  I blocked her way without touching her. “Listen to me. I admit I wasn’t the best guy before you came along. I’m not denying it and I’m not goi
ng to waste your time trying to justify my behavior. I was a pig that did whatever he wanted and didn’t care about anyone else. I was the guy that made girls cry. I was the guy that said I would call when I knew I wouldn’t. That’s the truth laid out.”

  She stared at me but her expression was blank. She was closed off from me, but she was listening to me.

  “The first time I saw you, it wasn’t at the speed-dating thing.”

  Her eyes narrowed.

  “You were at a keg party with Deana. I saw you across the room. I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I memorized every feature. Your green eyes stood out to me the most. I knew I had to talk to you, and I’d do anything to make it happen. And, of course, the basis of my interest was my attraction to you. Yes, I admit it. And yes, I probably would have slept with you if you let me. But that’s not what happened.

  “I chased you outside. When I caught up to you, you were getting into a cab. Do you remember it?”

  Her eyes flashed in realization.

  “When I went to the speed-dating thing, I wasn’t looking for anything specific. I just wanted to meet a new girl. I’d seen the same ones over and over again. My intentions weren’t exactly pure. If some girl wanted to hook up, I wouldn’t have said no.

  “Every girl I met was mind-numbingly boring. They all made me want to fall asleep. But when I reached your table, we hit it off. You were the coolest chick I’d ever met. You were funny, smart, and really awesome. I was already infatuated with you. Keep in mind, I had no idea what you looked like. You could have been a troll. You were so down-to-earth and cool, I didn’t give a damn how you looked. I wanted to ask you out regardless, because I’d never had a connection like that with someone—ever. And I have a feeling you haven’t either.

  “When you took off the mask, I recognized you. And I knew then that you weren’t like any other girl I’d met before. You were unique and special. You made it clear what type of girl you were. I knew I wouldn’t get a one-night stand out of you. Frankly, I didn’t want one. I worked my ass off to track you down and engage you in conversation. You think seeing me in the library was a coincidence? You think having that double date with Theo and Deana was just by chance? No, I made all those things happen.

  “I got to know who you were underneath, and I was patient with you the entire way. We were never together, and I never knew what you were thinking, but I never gave up. Sometimes you looked at me like you were attracted to me. And I made you smile and laugh. And then you started to trust me more. Then you told me one of your most personal secrets. I knew then that I meant something to you.

  “I haven’t slept with anyone since the moment we met. Stacy came to my apartment one night and asked for sex. I kicked her out. You haven’t given me anything but a kiss, and never once did I go looking for more elsewhere. I’ve never rushed a physical relationship with you. You even told me you wanted to wait until marriage and I didn’t have a problem with that. Maybe all those other things meant nothing to me, but you mean the world to me. I love you with my whole heart. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest about my past in the beginning, but I knew if I told you the truth, you wouldn’t give me a chance.”

  “Which was my own right,” she whispered.

  My heart deflated. My speech meant nothing to her. I rubbed the back of my neck. “Beatrice, our relationship started almost a year ago. You really think I would have stuck around that long if you didn’t mean everything to me? You think I would have introduced you to my parents if I didn’t imagine you as my wife someday? You think I’m doing all of this as a ploy just to sleep with you?”

  She crossed her arms over her chest and wouldn’t look at me. “I think I was just another woman to take on your sheets. I was another prize. But when I wouldn’t open my legs, it just challenged you to work harder.”

  That was a slap in the face. “The longest I’ve tried to get with a girl is a day. That’s it—not nine months.” I clenched my jaw in annoyance.

  “I...I told you about my life. I told you about my mother. My dad only married her because she was pregnant with my brother. And that happened because he just wanted to sleep with her. Now I’m going through the exact same thing…”

  “I’m in love with you.” I got in her face as I said it. “How many times do I have to say that? You aren’t pregnant with my kid. We aren’t even having sex. The most we’ve done is kiss. How can you possibly compare me to your father?”

  “How could you lie to me like that?” she whispered.

  I gripped my skull and sighed. “I already said. I knew you wouldn’t look past it and give me a chance.”

  “You had nine months to tell me but you never mentioned it.”

  “It just didn’t come up. And I was waiting for the right moment. But my past shouldn’t matter. It’s my past for a reason.”

  “Candice told me everything you did to her—everything.” Her eyes coated with tears. “How could you do that to someone?”

  “Because I was a dick,” I said simply. “I admit it. I was cold and cruel. All I wanted was to get laid with no commitment. You won’t hear me say otherwise, Beatrice. But I promise, I’m not like that with you.”

  She covered her face. “I feel stupid.”

  “Don’t,” I said. “There’s nothing to feel stupid about. I didn’t trick you.”

  “But you only wanted me in the way all other men do.”

  I stepped closer to her. “Beatrice, perhaps this is a news flash to you, but physical attraction is the foundation of all relationships. A guy is never going to spot you from across the room and say, ‘Wow. She has a great personality’. Sorry, it’s never going to happen.”

  She shook her head, not appreciating my sarcasm.

  “I am different than all those other guys. I got to know you with a mask on. I had no idea what you looked like and we hit it off. We’re meant for each other, beautiful or not.”

  She wouldn’t look at me.

  “You think I don’t have to constantly deal with women throwing themselves at me because of my family’s wealth? Believe me, I do. I can’t tell if they like me for me, or just the security I can provide. Most of them just want to be Mrs. Preston without a prenup. When I found you, I immediately knew you weren’t like that. You didn’t care about my wealth or connections. And that made me fall for you harder.”

  She shouldered her bag and stared at the ground.

  “Beatrice, please let this go.” My voice conveyed my desperation. “Please.” I came closer to her, my face an inch from hers.

  She still wouldn’t look at me.

  “We’re too damn good to throw away.” My hand moved to her hip. When she didn’t pull away, I knew the touch was okay. My face pressed against hers and then I grabbed her other hip.

  She breathed hard but didn’t say anything. Her eyes were closed.

  I moved in then pressed my lips against hers. They were warm and wet. Her lips were immobile in the beginning, but then they reciprocated, meeting my kiss with the same hunger. My hand moved into her hair and I deepened the kiss, showing her how much I loved her with my touch alone.

  Our lips suddenly broke apart and she stepped away.

  “Don’t push me away,” I whispered.

  She touched her lips without looking at me. “I…I can’t.”

  My eyes burned in pain. “Beatrice, please.”

  “I just can’t look at you the same as before. I thought the man I’d end up with would never do anything like that.”

  I sighed. “Beatrice, no one is perfect. Not even you.”

  “But that…I can’t look past.”

  “That isn’t fair,” I argued. “I never treated you like that. I’ve always respected you, right from the beginning.”

  “No.” She looked at me, emotion in her eyes. “When you first saw me, you chased me down and said I was hot. You wanted to take me back to your place and take me on your sheets along with every other girl you lied to. That’s what you wanted from me.”
>
  “So what?” I said. “It’s not what I want anymore. I want you for my entire life. Doesn’t that mean something?” I tried not to yell but I was too upset.

  She tried to move past me to the stairs. “No, it doesn’t.”

  “I’m not moving,” I argued.

  “Move,” she commanded. She stared me down with authority.

  “Please don’t do this,” I begged. My eyes started to burn with tears. “Please.” When I blinked, the moisture continued to pool.

  She averted her gaze, unable to see the emotion in my face. “Conrad, please go.”

  “You’re really going to end this?” I whispered. “Over something that happened before we even met?”

  She was quiet for a long time. “And how long will you be around after you get what you want out of me?” Anger was heavy in her voice. “How long will it be before you get tired of me?”

  “Since I’ll be married to you, I would assume never.” I got in her face again. “I wouldn’t be willing to wait until marriage if you weren’t special to me.”

  “Or because you’re sleeping with other women on the side.”

  I stepped back, feeling cold. “How dare you say that to me. I’m with you every second of the damn day. When would I have time to cheat on you?”

  “You just told me Stacy came to your apartment in the middle of the night.”

  “Then I threw her out on her ass!”

  Beatrice pushed me out of the way. “Good bye, Conrad. Don’t speak to me again.”

  I watched her walk up the stairs, feeling sick. “I may not be perfect, and I may not be as smart or beautiful as you are, but I’m honest and I wear my heart on my sleeve. There was never a day we spent together when you didn’t feel loved and important. I was patient with you and gave you everything you needed. Good luck finding someone else who’s willing to do the same thing.”

  She stopped on the stairs.

  I turned around and marched to my truck without looking back. Once the door was shut, I felt the water burn in my eyes. I blinked a few times so the water would dissolve. I breathed hard before I regained control of my emotions. Then I drove off.