Casting Shadows

by Sophie McKenzie

  I turned and stomped out of the room, downstairs and out to the car. I leaned against the metal, hot on my back, and gazed out towards the yard with the hen house and to the apple orchard beyond. Earlier it had seemed idyllic, but right now it felt like a prison.

  6

  I was so angry I didn’t speak to Dad for the rest of my time at the commune. He tried to talk during the journey home but I just stared out of the car window the whole way. When we got back to Mum’s he followed me indoors. I went straight upstairs but I could still hear him and Mum discussing me and Flynn in the kitchen. Mum’s voice was raised – she seemed to be blaming Dad for me thinking that living with Flynn was even a remote possibility. Normally when she picked on Dad I’d try and defend him. But, at that moment, I was glad she was giving him a hard time, he deserved it. I mean, I understood they wanted to protect me but I was going to be seventeen in a few months. When were they going to realise I was old enough to make my own decisions? I was totally fed up with them trying to run my life.

  I knew Flynn was still at work, so I called Grace from my bedroom. We talked for a while, then agreed to meet up. I got changed, ready to go out, then went downstairs. Dad was still there. He came out of the kitchen when he heard me on the stairs.

  ‘River—?’

  ‘I’m going out,’ I said.

  Mum appeared at his shoulder. Her lips were pressed together in a thin line. ‘River?’ she began.

  ‘The answer is yes, I probably will see Flynn later,’ I said. ‘So you’ll both just have to deal with it.’

  And I walked out, slamming the front door behind me.

  I knew I was being hard on them but right then I didn’t care.

  I went round to Grace’s. James was already there and Flynn joined us an hour or so later.

  We talked about what it would be like to live together at the commune. Though Grace didn’t say it, I could see she was wondering why I’d want to go so far away from all my friends.

  Flynn had other objections.

  ‘It’d be great, Riv,’ he said with a shrug. ‘But there’d still be drawbacks. We’d have your dad breathing down our necks all the time – and all that we’re-saving-the-planet-by-eating-our-own-hens rubbish would definitely wind me up.’

  ‘Do they really eat the hens on the commune?’ Grace asked, looking appalled.

  ‘No.’ I grinned, catching Flynn’s eye. ‘The hens are just for eggs. They don’t eat any meat on the commune.’

  ‘See what I mean?’ Flynn shook his head. ‘Veggie nightmare.’

  ‘I wouldn’t survive a week without a burger,’ James mused.

  ‘You can tell.’ Flynn poked him in the stomach.

  James laughed good-naturedly. I smiled, feeling more relaxed than I had done in days. I loved how chilled Flynn always was around James. Most guys seemed to wind him up but James had the opposite effect – calming him down, smoothing him out.

  So what if Dad wouldn’t let Flynn stay on the commune. I would just refuse to go too. The whole summer was coming up and, okay, so Flynn was going to have to work long hours and carry on sleeping on people’s sofas, but we would be together.

  ‘I guess we can tell other people you’re back now,’ I said.

  Flynn nodded. Then he turned to James and Grace and his face grew uncharacteristically serious.

  ‘Thank you for keeping me a secret before,’ he said to them. ‘I don’t know what River and I would have done without you.’

  Silence fell. In the distance I could hear Grace’s nine-year-old twin sisters shrieking with laughter. Across the room, Grace herself was blushing and James looked self-conscious too. No wonder . . . Flynn rarely talked about his feelings or sounded vulnerable, like he had just then. It was a sign of how much James meant to him – and, I supposed, maybe another result of his counselling sessions.

  ‘Well, that’s enough mush for one evening.’ Flynn leaned across me to fiddle with Grace’s laptop. He pressed play on a loud indie track that filled the air with a screaming guitar solo, then announced he needed a pee and left the room.

  ‘I’m gonna go too . . . get some drinks.’ Grace drifted to the door. In the past couple of months she’d grown a few centimetres and had lost the slightly waif-like little-girl look she’d had when I met her. I realised with a jolt, as she turned to face me and James, that Grace was now truly beautiful – with her sleek blonde hair and high cheekbones, she looked like a model. She smiled her shy smile at us as she left the room. ‘Be good, you two.’

  The words hung in the air. The screaming guitar track came to an end. A beat passed in the silence. I looked at James and knew he was thinking about the same moment from the past that I was.

  ‘I told Grace about that evening you were drunk, River,’ he said softly.

  A wave of shame washed over me. Back in February, when Flynn had been in Ireland, I’d thought for a few nights he might not want me anymore. I’d got drunk at a club and, after fending off one guy whose slug-tongued attempt at kissing me had left me feeling sick, ended up making poor James kiss me on the way home in our taxi. The kiss had lasted about two seconds and meant nothing. We’d agreed we should keep quiet about it and, after a few days of feeling insanely guilty, I had actually put the whole episode out of my mind.

  ‘You told Grace?’ I couldn’t believe it. ‘Why? Was she okay about it?’

  James nodded. ‘We were out a couple of weeks ago. This guy lunged at her while I was in the bathroom. I came out to find him pinning her against the wall. I was mad at her for a bit, till she explained what happened . . . then I told her how you’d lunged at me that time and how drunk you were and how bad you’d felt . . .’

  ‘Jeez.’ My stomach knotted. I had tried hard not to think about that night for such a long time and now the memory was vivid in my head again. I filled up with a terrible, burning humiliation. I couldn’t believe how selfish, how thoughtless I had been. ‘Was Grace really cool about it?’

  ‘Yeah, she got it . . . she understood it was no big deal. We had a laugh about it, actually,’ he said.

  I chewed on my lip, still feeling anxious. I wasn’t sure I’d have been so understanding. But then Grace had always been more even-tempered than me . . . less prone to seeing things in extreme terms.

  James coughed, lowering his voice. ‘Er . . . we agreed that Flynn still shouldn’t know, though.’

  ‘No,’ I said fervently. ‘He shouldn’t. Definitely.’ I knew Flynn would never be as easy-going about the whole thing as Grace. Anyway, James had done nothing wrong. The kiss was my fault. And Flynn would find it hard to understand that.

  Later, we went over to James’s house. His parents were away for the weekend and we were planning to stay up late watching movies. I hadn’t talked to Grace about my ‘two-second kiss’ with James yet. I knew that I would have to say something eventually, but I had no idea what that should be. Anyway, it was way too risky to mention the subject while Flynn might overhear us.

  While the others were making drinks, I slipped outside into the spacious front garden and called Mum. She was predictably mad that I’d just left the house without talking to her about my relationship with Flynn. But, for once, her annoyance didn’t trigger off my own.

  After all, what could she do? I was starting to see that I had a lot more power than I’d ever realised.

  ‘My relationship with Flynn isn’t any of your business, Mum,’ I said calmly.

  ‘Well, I want you to come home so we can discuss it,’ she said. ‘I’ve had your father here all day banging on about how we have to find ‘‘balance’’ in how we treat you but as far as I’m concerned, if you’re going to behave like a child then I’m going to treat you like one. Stone’s gone out to a party so we can have a proper chat and—’

  ‘I’m not coming home tonight, Mum,’ I interrupted, irritation starting to crawl across my skin. ‘I’m staying over at James’s. Grace is here and—’

  Mum drew in her breath sharply. ‘What about Flynn? Is he there?�
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  ‘Of course,’ I said. ‘He’s my boyfriend.’

  I steeled myself, ready to argue . . . to defend myself and Flynn . . . but to my surprise Mum just sighed.

  ‘Well, be careful,’ she said. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’

  She rang off. I switched off my phone, feeling troubled. I couldn’t really work out why. Truth was, I often felt troubled around Mum. We’d got on so well when I was little – everyone always said how alike we looked and I used to love to copy everything she did. But she seemed to get so controlling once I became a teenager.

  ‘Is everything okay, Riv?’ Flynn stepped out from the shadowy wall by the front door.

  I started. I hadn’t known he was there.

  Flynn came over and put his arms around my waist. ‘Riv?’ he said.

  ‘I was just telling Mum I was staying out tonight,’ I said.

  ‘I heard.’ Flynn grinned, lowering his face so our lips were just millimetres apart.

  I kissed him, feeling the familiar shiver flood through my body. For the first time since I’d known him I felt truly grown-up. I was – for once – in control of my life.

  I drew back and studied Flynn’s face. I loved him so much. We fitted together so well now. In one sense, we always had. But, for the first few months we’d gone out, Flynn had pushed me over having sex and though I’d said no, I’d always felt awkward about it. For ages now, he hadn’t brought it up but it was still there, a conversation that went unsaid.

  ‘I’m ready.’ The words came out of my mouth before I knew I was going to say them.

  Flynn knew what I meant. I could see it in his eyes.

  ‘You sure?’ He tilted his head to one side and raised his eyebrows.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘More sure than anything.’

  We went inside. Flynn said something to James and Grace, then took my hand and led me silently up the stairs to the room we’d stayed in before at the top of the house. It looked just the same as it had done then: fresh and clean with its blue matching bedspread and curtains. My heart beat fast as we closed the curtains. Flynn switched on the lamp that stood on the floor in the corner – it cast a soft glow into the room. Then he wandered over to the bed and kicked off his shoes. He lay down and held out his hand for me. His eyes were dark gold, almost amber – like a lion’s.

  ‘Are you really sure?’ His voice was low.

  ‘Yes.’ I bit my lip. ‘But I’m scared.’

  I lay down beside him and leaned against his chest. His heart was pounding.

  ‘Me too,’ he whispered.

  I drew back and blinked up at him. ‘You?’ I said, genuinely shocked. I couldn’t see why Flynn should be scared. He was pretty vague about his exact experiences, but he’d slept with at least two other girls and it wasn’t as if we hadn’t done almost everything else together already. I rolled my eyes, trying to make a joke of it.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ I said. ‘I thought at least one of us would know what we were doing.’

  Flynn laughed. ‘I don’t mean I’m scared of the sex,’ he said. ‘I mean . . .’ His face reddened a little. ‘I mean I’m scared of not being able to make it good enough. For you.’

  My throat felt all choked. I couldn’t speak. We stood quite still for a few seconds, then Flynn started unbuttoning my top. ‘You look great in this,’ he said huskily.

  He started stroking his hands over my body. Wherever he touched it was like he was setting fire to me – all I could hear was our breathing – quick and uneven. After a while, he stopped and took a condom out of his pocket.

  I held my breath.

  Of course, in the end, going all the way wasn’t the big deal I’d built it up to be. It certainly didn’t last as long as I’d expected. Afterwards, we held each other. My mind raced in about twenty directions. It was done. I had done it. And I’d been totally wrong about it. About what it meant. I’d imagined it would give Flynn power over me. But the way it was between the two of us, it was about each of us giving up power, about being vulnerable. Being close to each other.

  Flynn lifted his head and smiled. His eyes were soft, almost dreamy, as he kissed my nose. ‘That was amazing.’

  I smiled at him, and then this great swell of emotion surged up from my stomach. This was it. This was it. I couldn’t be closer to him than I was right now. I didn’t want anything to change. Ever. My face crumpled and I burst into tears.

  Flynn stared at me in horror. ‘No. Oh God, River. I’m sorry. Oh God, I’m so, so sorry if that was rubbish for you. I promise I’ll make it better next—’

  ‘Sssh.’ I shook my head, pressing my hand against his mouth. ‘I’m crying ’cos I’m happy. ’Cos it was wonderful.’

  ‘Really?’ Flynn stared at me for a second.

  I nodded. Then I sniffed and wiped my face.

  Flynn hugged me again. I could almost feel the happiness coming off him in waves. ‘Was it really . . . okay?’ he said. He raised his eyebrows, trying to look all ironic and sophisticated.

  I laughed. ‘You just want me to tell you it was wonderful again.’

  Flynn leaned over me. His eyes glinted in the dim light from the floor. He ran his hand down my side and leaned closer until his mouth was right over mine. I shivered, wanting him to kiss me so much I couldn’t breathe. ‘It’ll be more wonderful next time,’ he murmured. ‘I promise.’

  7

  I went home late the next morning in a daze. I’d switched my phone on as I walked away from James’s house, expecting there to be a million messages from Mum and Dad. But there weren’t any. I pocketed the mobile and turned onto Crouch End Broadway, wondering what that was about. My head was still full of making love with Flynn – what we’d done last night wasn’t so different from how we’d been together before, and yet it seemed to take us to a new level, to something bigger and stronger than we’d shared before.

  My house was only fifteen minutes’ walk away from James’s and it felt good to be strolling along in the sunshine. Above me, the sky was clear – it looked like today was going to be another beautiful day. I sighed with contentment. And then I saw Emmi. She was walking towards me, her eyes focused on her phone. She glanced up. Saw me. A second later and we were right in front of each other. We stopped walking. I gulped, feeling awkward.

  Up until Flynn’s return in March, Emmi had been my best friend. Smart, pretty and outrageously self-confident, she had taken me and Grace under her wing during our first term at Langton Girls Grammar nearly six years ago. The three of us had been inseparable.

  ‘Hi, River.’ Emmi sounded guarded.

  Well, her tone wasn’t really surprising. The two of us hadn’t met up out of school for weeks. I was the one who’d withdrawn, but Emmi hadn’t helped. You see, at the start of the year Emmi’s boyfriend Alex had accused Flynn of stealing his iPad. But I found out, back in March, that Alex had only pretended the iPad was missing in order to get his parents to claim a better version on the insurance. For reasons which I couldn’t now remember, I’d promised never to tell Emmi that I knew.

  Like most of the other things I’d ever promised to keep quiet about, this had turned out to be a mistake. It’s hard to be best friends with someone when you’re keeping such a massive secret from them. Anyway, like I said, Emmi hadn’t made it easy to carry on being friends. Even though it was obvious, when the iPad turned up, that Flynn couldn’t have stolen it, Emmi still made snide comments about him . . . about how I was better off without him. This was bad enough when Flynn and I were apart but it was doubly hard to take once we were secretly back together.

  ‘Hi, Emmi.’ I smiled. ‘How are you doing?’

  Emmi shrugged. ‘Fine.’ She looked angry. Was that because I hadn’t called her? The truth was that I’d wanted, many times over the past three months, to tell Emmi that Flynn was back from Ireland and that we were seeing each other again but it was just too risky. I couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t tell Alex and, if Alex found out I was sure he’d try and get Flynn into trouble again.
Still, now I’d told Mum and Dad, it didn’t really matter who knew.

  ‘It’s good to see you, Riv.’ Emmi sniffed.

  I peered more closely at her. Perhaps she wasn’t mad at me after all. She seemed more miserable than cross. Under her expert make-up, her skin, normally smooth and tanned, was blotchy and the whites of her velvety-brown eyes looked pink and sore. Had she been crying?

  Are you okay, Em?’ I couldn’t believe she wasn’t. Emmi was always so sure of herself . . . and she led a charmed life. At home her parents spoiled her, at school the teachers loved her and she was universally popular. Alex adored her and, wherever she went, boys fell at her feet. I couldn’t imagine what would make her so upset.

  Emmi’s mouth wobbled. Huge tears welled up in her eyes and her mouth crumpled.

  ‘Oh, Emmi.’ I forgot the distance of the past few months and just felt for my friend. I put my arms around her and she sobbed into my shoulder. ‘What’s the matter?’

  Emmi pulled back, sniffing and wiping her eyes. ‘Nothing.’ A fresh tear trickled down her cheek.

  ‘Emmi?’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘Come on.’

  ‘Okay.’ She sniffed again. ‘Me and Alex split . . . he dumped me.’

  My mouth fell open. I couldn’t imagine why Alex would give Emmi up – she was gorgeous and smart and, I knew for a fact, most of his friends envied him massively for having her as a girlfriend.

  ‘What? Why?’ I said.

  Emmi’s cheeks pinked. ‘He found me with someone else.’

  I stared at her. ‘Who?’

  ‘No one you know . . . just a guy I met the other day. It didn’t mean anything.’ She sighed. ‘It didn’t mean anything. I was just messing about.’

  ‘Did you explain that to Alex?’ I said. My mind flashed back to that kiss with James. That had meant nothing. Less than nothing.

  Emmi nodded. ‘Thing is . . .’ she hesitated. ‘It wasn’t the first time it . . . that had happened. Alex said he couldn’t trust me anymore.’

  ‘Oh, I see.’ I guess that did put a different slant on it. Still, poor Emmi. And poor Alex.