Undead as a Doornail

by William F Aicher

  “That doesn’t sound so mysterious,” I replied.

  “That was only part of the mystery. Before that, his daughter went missing. Several weeks earlier. We have not found her, but we thought she left our little village to go find someplace new. Someplace fancy like Sozopol. The farmer very scared, and we tried to help him … ease his heart. Then one night, we find him dead. In the cemetery.”

  I raised my eyebrows at Sofi. “What was he doing in the cemetery?” I asked.

  “Again, we do not know. But now we are getting reports of animals. Dead animals, at the farm.”

  “Isn’t anyone there taking care of them?” Sofi asked.

  “No, no, you do not understand. They are not dying. They are killed. We find them, and they are dead… and no blood.”

  “Some sort of disease? Something that’s getting them sick and killing them?”

  “No blood inside.”

  Yeah, that sounded mysterious, alright. And it sounded like the next logical place for us to continue our research. Apparently, Sofi was on the same wavelength.

  “Forgive me, Aleks, if this is too forward.” She reached out and stroked the back of his hand with her fingertips. “But we need someplace to stay, and it sounds like you could use some eyes on this farm of yours. I don’t suppose…”

  “In old times, we could rely on the vampirdzhija.” Aleks turned down his eyes and shook his head solemnly. “They could rid us of ustrel. They know the ways of fire. But today? Nothing.”

  “Ustrel?” asked Sofi.

  “Bulgarian vampire,” I replied. “Eats cows. Though maybe they eat goats. Never met one to ask.”

  Sofi nodded. “It sounds like you know who did this, Aleks. Why don’t you go arrest him?”

  “You cannot arrest ustrel! Invisible beast. The vampirdzhija of old, they could destroy. But arrest? You are thinking you are a comedian!”

  The first time he said the word, I wasn’t sure I’d heard it right, the man’s accent was so thick. But the second time the word “vampirdzhija” rolled off his tongue, I knew if I was going to ever come clean about our true purpose here in Bulgaria, now was the time.

  “This… vampirdzhija… it is a vampire hunter, yes?”

  The troubled police officer raised his despondent eyes to mine and nodded slowly.

  “I have a secret to share with you, Aleks. I am a vampire hunter.”

  Aleks began to laugh, then stood from his chair. “You are making cruel joke of me. I think it is time for you to leave Ravidonova.”

  I held my hands up to him like he’d pointed a gun at me and ushered him back into his seat. When he didn’t budge, I continued, “I am serious, Aleks. I hunt vampires… well, actually, I hunt all kinds of monsters. But the reason we’re here? Vampires. I swear.”

  He turned his eyes to Sofi as if expecting her to burst out into a fit of laughter at any second. But she contemplated him solemnly and said, “It is true, Aleks. We are vampire hunters, and the trail has led us here, to your town.”

  “Yes, I think it is time for you both to leave,” he said again. But as he spoke, he also began to lower himself back into his chair, a morbid curiosity starting to creep across his face. “Unless… unless you have proof?”

  My mind immediately began to race. What kind of proof could I offer that we were here to hunt down some vampires? I could have shown him the amulet, but what use would that do other to show him we had some old hunk of metal? Tear open a hole into Eitherspace with it? Yeah, it’d be a cool trick … but still not proof of vampires. Kill myself and come back to life? Another cool trick, but still not a vampire.

  “I have proof.” Sofi unlocked her phone and gave it a few taps, then handed it to Alex. “Watch this video if you do not believe us.”

  As he watched the screen, his eyes widened. Reflections of the scene playing out before him danced across his pupils, and I moved to his side of the table to look myself. There on her display, played a video of a handsomely grizzled, man, leaping and dancing his way across the floor of an old church, as other men dressed entirely in black gave pursuit. Battle ensued, and the ridiculously handsome man slammed a wooden stake through the chest of one of them, then kicked him away just before he burst into flames and exploded.

  “I look awesome,” I announced. Sofi rolled her eyes. “What? You have to admit, that’s pretty bad-ass.”

  “This? This is you! You are vampirdzhija!” Aleks cheered.

  “Yes, yes. Vamprdzhija,” I whispered and put my hand on his shoulder. “But be quiet. We don’t know who here might be a vampire.”

  “No one here is vampire!” Aleks said, chuckling. “But you are right. We must keep this secret. Please, tell me more of your adventures.”

  While finishing our dinner and enjoying a few rounds of drinks, Sofi and I filled Aleks in on the journey so far. As we spoke, he listened with rapt attention, never once stopping us to ask questions. As far as he was concerned, everything we said was true … and the crazy thing is, it all was. Anywhere else in the world, you tell stories like this, they think you’re nuts. Apparently, things are a little different in Bulgaria.

  By the end of the night not only had we found a friend, but a place to stay.

  “I have idea,” Aleks began. “We trade. You will stay in farmhouse. Tonight. It is out of town and no one is there to watch it. You will watch the house, and we will let you stay there. Tomorrow you kill vampire.”

  Not having anything better to do, Sofi and I both agreed, and that settled it. Luck was finally back on our side. Not only had we managed to escape the immediate threat of Vampire Dave, but we’d gotten back on the trail and were closing in on him. A few rounds later Aleks before took us to the farmhouse.

  We stumbled through the door, and I collapsed on the couch. Sofi took the bedroom. We were both out before his car left the driveway.

  Chapter Twenty

  It was well past midnight when the sound woke us. A heavy pounding on the front door. Sofi was the first to wake, or perhaps she’d already been awake, and I just didn’t know it. She’s what pulled me from my slumber—her shaking my arm and poking me in the face with her finger. Whisper-shouting, “Phoenix, wake up, Phoenix. Something is outside and I think it wants to come in.”

  With how groggily I opened my eyes and the amount of time it took for me to recognize what she was saying; I should probably be ashamed to call myself a monster hunter. A real monster hunter wouldn’t sleep through a monster banging on the front door.

  A real monster hunter wouldn’t rely on the person he was protecting to wake him up, so he didn’t get turned into monster chow while he was passed out drunk on a dead man’s couch in rural Bulgaria.

  “Who’s there? Get the door,” I mumbled. “Tell them to go away. I already have some.” Before the last syllables slurred from my mouth, my head was back on the pillow, and I was again dead to the world.

  Sofi shook me again, but I didn’t budge. So, she stuck her finger in her mouth, gave it a sloppy lick, and shoved it in my ear.

  That woke me. But it was the following set of heavy knocks, followed by an ear-piercing screech, that got me out of bed. Now I was alert, or as alert as I could be after downing half a bottle of plum brandy. I leaped from the couch and searched the room, at first unaware of where I was. One glimpse of the wood-paneled walls, rickety kitchen table, and empty stone fireplace reminded me soon enough. And if it hadn’t, the dusty odor of dried goat shit floating in the air would have surely done the trick.

  “Quick, grab something. A weapon. Something to defend ourselves.” My eyes darted from corner to corner until landing on a broomstick propped up against the wall in the far corner. “Grab that and bring it to me.” I pointed in the general direction, summoning all my concentration to simply hold my hand from wavering too much she wouldn’t know what I was pointing at.

  As she darted across the room, I collapsed back on to the couch and closed my eyes. I was almost asleep again by the time she came back and dropped the broomstick on
my lap.

  “Right. The weapon. Who’s there? Go peek outside and see who it is,” I said, as I fumbled with the broom. “Ask him if he’s a vampire.”

  “You are stupid when you are drunk, Phoenix,” she replied, then mumbled something under her breath. “I am not asking if it is a vampire. Wake up and find out yourself.” She reared back her hand and slapped me across the face. That woke me up.

  Back on my feet, broomstick in my hands, I slammed it down across my knee and broke it in two. I took one of the jagged makeshift stakes into my left hand and offered the other to Sofi. She eyed it like it was a dead snake, then reluctantly took it. “In case I need backup,” I said.

  The two of us crept to the front door, careful not to disturb a loose floorboard. Though in hindsight with the racket I’d already made snapping the broomstick, I’m rethinking our desire to approach stealthily. I leaned against the door, and its dry cracks of paint tickled my ear as I rested my head against it and listened. Silence. Not a sound aside from Sofi’s frantic breaths and the steady thump of my heart against my chest.

  “Go over there and take a look.” I motioned toward the drawn shades of the front window. “See if anyone’s out there.”

  Sofi responded with a shake of her head that said no way in hell, asshole.

  “Just get over there and check. I think whoever it was is gone.”

  “What if he breaks through the window?” Sofi whispered in a tone that would have made a poltergeist shrink.

  “If it’s a vampire, he can’t come in unless we let him,” I whispered back. “So, he can’t come through the window. You’ll be fine.”

  “But we still have their amulet.”

  Shit. “Okay. I’ll open the door and look outside. If something comes at us, slam that through his chest. And use enough force. If you hit a rib, you’ve got to be able to break the bone.” I lifted my stake and made several stabbing motions at the door, and she nodded. “Okay, on three.”

  Sofi spread her legs apart in a wide football player’s stance, bouncing on the balls of her feet. The look in her eyes—like a gunslinger waiting to draw and cut down her opponent—that look was enough to tell me she was as ready as she could ever be. I reached out with my free hand, twisted the knob, and threw open the door.

  The chirp of bugs and the rustle of wind through the trees was all that greeted us. I poked my head out the door, scanned the length of the porch, and still saw nothing. No sign of anyone having been here. Not even faded footsteps on the front stairs.

  “All clear,” I announced. “Now, can I go back to sleep?”

  Before I could shut the door behind me, Sofi hastily rushed forward and pushed me out of the farmhouse and followed me on to the front lawn. “We will look for it.”

  “Look for what?” This lady was nuts. No way in hell was I going to go traipsing around some Bulgarian farm in the dead of night trying to track down a possible vampire—especially half-drunk and armed with nothing more than a busted broomstick. “We can do it in the morning. When the sun’s up. Safer then.”

  I took a step toward the farmhouse, but she held up her stake and threated me with it. “I am scared, Phoenix,” she said, and as tears began to well up in her eyes, she lowered her stake. “I do not like to say it, but I need you. I need you to protect me.”

  In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have believed her and her damsel-in-distress schtick. But I have to hand it to her—it worked.

  “Fine…” I sighed. “Grab us a candle or a flashlight or something so we can at least see where we’re going.”

  “We will use my phone,” she said, and out came that damned phone again. I swear, it’s like it was permanently attached to her. She flicked on the flashlight mode and held it in front of her, casting the yard in its ghastly glow.

  “Doesn’t that thing ever run out of batteries?” I asked.

  “I brought a charger,” she replied and gave me a shove from behind. “You lead. I will follow with the light.”

  “But what if something comes up from behind us?” I asked, stifling a laugh. “It’ll bite you in the ass.”

  “That would be a very lucky vampire,” she said and gave me another push forward.

  For the next half hour, we traipsed all over the yard and didn’t find a thing. I considered venturing out deeper into the fields, in case something lie in wait farther out, but my head was starting to hurt, and it sounded like too damn much work when all I wanted to do was sleep, so I didn’t bring it up. Other than the grass had grown much too high with no one around to take care of the place, nothing seemed out of the ordinary—just a dark night on an abandoned farm in Eastern Europe. Eventually, Sofi became tired of the search as well and relented with her mission to track down the dreaded doorknocker. We returned to the farmhouse and back into our separate beds.

  I made myself a promise to spend the rest of the night awake, listening for the intruder to return. I gripped the stake firmly in my hand, ready to spring into action in case my princess needed saving after all.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Turns out I wasn’t as good as staying awake and on guard as I thought I would be. Somewhere through the night, I fell asleep, and I didn’t wake until the sun’s rays crept in between the crack in the front window drapes. When I finally rolled out of bed, it was to the sound of gently scraping wood.

  “Sofi?” I called out. “Is that you?”

  “Phoenix, come see what I have done! You will be proud.”

  My stomach rumbled again as I rolled out of bed, and a wave of nausea washed over me. I prayed what she had to show me involved scrambled eggs, orange juice, and a gigantic cup of coffee. What I found was something altogether different, though no less impressive.

  “They are good, no? For our battle.”

  Legs splayed out on the kitchen floor, Sofi leaned with her back against the refrigerator, knife in one hand and a chunk of wood in another. All around her were stacks of broken chair legs, most of them whittled down to sharp points. She scraped the knife against the one in her hand, shavings dropping to her lap like yellowed snowflakes.

  “The apprentice has become the master,” I joked. “Seriously, Sof. Those are amazing.”

  A smile crept across her face, and she brushed a lock of hair from her eyes, careful not to stab herself in the face as she did so. “I do not know how many there will be, so I am making sure we are prepared.”

  “Are you sure you’re up to this?” I asked. “I’m the monster hunter here. Not you.”

  Sofi threw a scowl my way that would turn Medusa to stone.

  “Okay. You’re a monster hunter now too,” I conceded, and her smile returned.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Later that morning, after a breakfast of dry cereal and stale coffee, another set of pounding fists shook the front door. Sofi immediately took a stake to her hand, but I motioned for her to put it back down. “It’s sunny out. No vampires,” I said.

  “Phoenix? Sofi? It is Aleks,” a voice boomed. “I am here to help you hunt the vampire.”

  I looked at Sofi, sighed, and begrudgingly opened the door.

  “See that, Aleks? That’s called the sun,” I said, pointing at the sky. “Vampires can’t go out in the sun. So, it’s not vampire hunting time.”

  “I am not stupid man,” Aleks said, brushing my rudeness aside. “I am here to help you to hunt. To find the trail. Give to you clues. Come outside, and I show you.”

  Sofi tossed her stake onto the pile, grabbed her coffee, and scurried to the door. The three of us stepped outside into the bright sun of a late Bulgarian summer, with Aleks leading the way. In the daylight, the yard seemed much less ominous than it had the night before. Yes, the grass was still in need of a cut, but besides that, the view was nothing short of magnificent. Rolling hills stretched out in every direction, with a long gravel drive cutting through it all leading out to the main road. In the distance, the hills gave way to mountains. Birds sang, and goats bleated. If it weren’t for the vamp
ires, Bulgaria sure would be a nice place to retire.

  Aleks led us across the yard and around the back of the farmhouse, up along a worn path to an animal pen and barn. A few goats wandered around aimlessly, chomping away here and there at any stray grass they hadn’t yet managed to eat.

  “This is where we found it,” Aleks said. “The dead goat.”

  I took a step closer to the fence and leaned over. Other than a few piles of goat shit, nothing caught my eye. “What did you do with the body?” I asked.

  “I burn it. Like the vampirdzhija would. To destroy the ustrel.”

  “I see,” I replied, not having the heart to tell him goats don’t turn into vampires. “Do you think it worked?”

  “Well, we have no more dead—”

  “Phoenix, over here!” Sofi shouted from the barn door. “Aleks, you too! Come quick.”

  We rushed over to Sofi’s side and immediately saw what had prompted her to call us over in such a frenzy. There on the floor of the barn, the body of a goat lay, a swarm of flies buzzing around its motionless body. I unlatched the lower half of the door and stepped in, careful not to land my feet in any of the stray piles of crap that dotted the ground.

  “I tell you there is vampire!” Aleks shouted, shaking his fists triumphantly.

  “Well, either that or El Chupacabra,” I replied. “But we’re a little too far from Mexico for that one.”

  As Aleks and Sofi joined me, the three of us knelt and examined the goat. Its body was cold but still limp. I checked the neck and found a pair of puncture wounds, each dotted with specks of dried blood.

  I stood and addressed Aleks. “Last night you said there’s a castle around here. Where is it exactly?”

  “Oh, it is near. Just outside town. But there are no vampires there.”

  I rolled my eyes at Aleks, shook my head, and put my hand on his shoulder. “Who’s the vampire hunter here, Aleks? I know vampires. It’s my job. And if there's one thing I know about vampires, it's that when it comes to setting up lairs, they can't resist a good castle.”