by T L Bradford
The whole Young American crew is out in force tonight. The girls huddle around Gemma discussing wedding plans while us dudes do our best to avoid getting drawn into any conversation about it.
Contentious is the best way to describe Noah’s and my relationship lately. I’m doing my best to be a team player and let his interactions with Kai roll off my back, but it ain’t easy. Noah acts like Kai is God’s gift to the masses. In the beginning, they would mostly hang out when with the gang, but the past weeks they are hanging out exclusively getting lunches and running lines together. Did Noah tell Kai about his panic attacks? Have they reached that level of comfort with each other yet?
“Hey guys look, I’ve got 10-pound balls,” Ash says as he holds up two bowling balls, laughing at his own joke.
“Ash, what are you eight years old?” Then, holding up two balls of my own, I say, “Look, my balls are blue.” Ash cracks up. Noah and Kai just roll their eyes almost in unison. Screw you, that was funny.
We break into two teams: Ash, Gemma and Kai on one team and Noah, me and Olive on the other. Sarita sits out, claiming impending nail damage. I considered myself a decent bowler until I saw the skills of the others. Damn, even Olive was outpacing me. My game actually got worse with every frame. At one point, Noah came up behind me and showed me the “right way” to release the ball, claiming my wrist was too limp.
This caused a chorus of chuckles from the booth. I felt my face go red. After still getting a gutter ball, I went back to my seat, seething.
When Noah goes up for his turn, I watch Kai. He never takes his eyes off Noah the entire time he’s up. I catch him checking out his ass when Noah leans over to retrieve his ball from the return. I’m not crazy. I saw it with my own two eyes.
I go up for my turn and, of course, get two gutters. When I return, my spot in the booth next to Noah has been taken by Kai. They are chatting animatedly about some movie I’ve no doubt never seen. Begrudgingly, I take a seat next to Gemma and wait for Kai’s turn to come back around. When it does, I take my spot back next to Noah. I see Kai look at me with an unsaid question in his eyes when he returns to sit down. I throw the same look right back. He goes back and takes the seat next to Gemma. Round 1 - Josh.
Later that evening on the ride back, Noah confronts me about my attitude. “What the hell was up with you tonight?”
“There’s nothing up with me,” I lie.
“You were straight up rude to Kai all night. Did you think I didn’t catch it?”
“You’re just imagining things. I didn’t do anything to him.”
“You didn’t have to do anything. You had an attitude all evening. Give him a break man, he’s new, and he’s trying his best to fit in. You’re not making it any easier for him.
“Clearly you didn’t get that memo when I started on the show, you hypocrite. Are you blind? He was flirting with you.”
“Oh, Jesus, here we go again.”
“Sorry, what? I tell you that another guy is trying to hit on you, and you act like I’m crazy?”
“There is nothing between Kai and me! So, drop this shit already.”
“I caught him staring at you.”
“You were probably mistaken.”
“You think I don’t know what checking someone out looks like? You really are that blind.”
“No, you are just trying to create needless drama. Let it go!”
“Don’t tell me what I’m feeling. This is pissing me off, so we’re going to discuss it! You said whenever this hiding business started to be an issue, we were going to talk about it!”
“Fine! What do you want to discuss, huh? How you were the one who insisted I accept this storyline. How you insisted you could handle this situation. How you said everything would be fine; it’s just a job!”
“That’s not fair. You know that was before he started having real designs on you.”
“Bullshit, Kai has never pulled any move on me. He’s been nothing short of a professional, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you right now!”
I’m quiet for the rest of the trip until we pull up into the driveway. Before he can get out, I tell him, “You know how I can tell he’s into you?”
“How!”
“He looks at you the same way I do.”
Chapter 35
Noah
He goes upstairs and doesn’t look back. Shortly after, I hear the sound of the shower turning on. I thought things had been going well tonight even though we were losing horribly to the other team. Josh has somehow gotten it into his head that Kai is interested in me. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Kai has been a great castmate and study buddy for line readings. We’re just friends. Josh has to understand that we can have friends, gay or otherwise outside of each other.
I turn off everything downstairs and check the security monitors before I head upstairs to go to sleep. He’s been in the shower for a long time. I’m sure he’s trying to avoid me. I get ready for bed and sit up waiting for him to come out. When he finally emerges, he’s dressed in boxers and a plain white T-shirt. For anyone else, this would be normal, but Josh always sleeps naked. I guess he’s trying to send me a signal.
Without making any eye contact, he shuffles over to his side of the bed and pulls the covers up over himself then lies on his side away from me, another departure from his usual sleep pattern which is always on his stomach.
It’s odd how couples develop rituals in their lifestyle over time. Most couples like to spoon together, but for whatever reason, Josh and I tend to lay directly on top of each other. Usually, I sleep across his back. That won’t be happening tonight, apparently.
I toss and turn, trying to get comfortable on my back, not used to this sleeping arrangement, when I notice the erratic breathing coming from Josh’s direction. He’s not making any noise, but I see him struggling to keep his composure. Then it dawns on me. He’s crying and doesn’t want me to see.
I have no idea how to deal with a situation like this. It’s hard enough with a female which I really sucked at, ask Gemma. How do I deal with an emotional man? I tense up, trying to think of what I should do. If I reach over and touch him, I’m sure he’ll pull away. I could apologize, but I honestly don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.
Josh is a sensitive man, something I am not familiar with given my upbringing. Sensitivity was considered weak. Weakness meant you got punched in the face. Still, I hate seeing him hurt, and I hate more being the cause of his pain. No relationship is without its ups and downs. It’s time for us to go through our trials.
Despite my better judgment, I place a hand lightly on his hip. He doesn’t pull away as I had thought he might. I turn over toward him and spoon my body against his backside. He doesn’t turn around to face me, but he does take my arm and crosses it over his body, clutching it against his chest. I release a sigh of relief and pull him closer to me. Sometimes words aren’t needed.
The situation with Josh de-escalates considerably after that night. We have no scenes together as they ramp up the attraction between Jace and Alex. Working with Kai has been a breeze compared to my initial interaction with Josh. Kai and I are very similar in tastes and temperament. It’s easy to be with him. This has made our performance on-screen play well for audiences. I was concerned that viewers would start to hate Jace for cheating on Max, and while for some diehard #JAX fans, this is true, most are intrigued by the love triangle aspect. It’s not the first time there has been a same-sex triangle on television, but this is certainly the most high-profile.
It works so well because Kai and I have a great pull and push mentality while we are working. It certainly doesn’t hurt that Kai is charismatic and charming, not to mention easy on the eyes. My vibe with him was immediate when I met him.
We’ve had a particularly long shooting schedule this week. It is dialogue- heavy, so it’s a challenge for me to get through them. Kai has been good about slowing down his usual pace to let me catch up. I haven’t told him about my
speech impediment or the panic attacks, feeling it unnecessary since the issue had improved so much since working with Josh.
We’re both tired and hungry, so Kai suggests we go out and grab some late dinner. I send off a text to Josh to let him know that taping went over and that I will be late. I conveniently leave out that Kai will be with me because I don’t want to open that can of worms again.
We drop into California Pizza Kitchen and get an XL BBQ Chicken Pizza for dinner and drink wine. We have a nice casual conversation. It’s not the first time we’ve hung out, but the first time we’ve talked about anything remotely personal in our lives. Eventually, the topic turns around to Kai being out and gay in Hollywood. I ask him how he handles the pressure and the effect it has had on his life since.
“I won’t lie; at first it was challenging. I always felt like everyone was staring at me and talking behind my back — real paranoid stuff. But, over time, aside from a few assholes that are no longer in my life, it was definitely better. I know that I can be myself and no longer have to deal with the nightmares of being found out.”
His words strike a chord in me as I have been tortured by those same nightmares since I started my relationship with Josh. I don’t like to admit it, but the stress of being in a same-sex relationship takes more work than it ever did with Gemma.
“What helps to adjust is finding someone who you connect with and feel comfortable around. It’s a rare and special thing.” Kai looks up at me through his thick dark lashes and holds my gaze…for about three seconds too long. I break the eye contact and look down at my pizza slice.
Sensing my discomfort, Kai leans back in his chair, giving me a moment to recover. I swallow hard and have no idea where to focus. He swings back and forth subtly in his chair, still watching me.
“So, tell me, who was Noah Sinclair before Americana?”
“That’s a long story for another day.”
“I’ve got the time.”
I have no idea why, but I feel compelled to open up to Kai. I’m unsure of how much to reveal, so I stick to the basics. I sit back and regard him thoughtfully. “I grew up in a small town in Tennessee with a population of 3,050.
Kai scoots forward in his chair, intent on listening to my backstory. “I always wondered about the origins of that sexy southern drawl. You hide it well, but now and then, you slip. It’s one of the more intriguing aspects of your character.”
“It’s easier to get parts when you don’t sound like a redneck hillbilly,” I half-joked.
“I agree, it’s hard to be taken seriously in the theater sounding like ghetto trash either. See, we have that in common,” he says in that deep rich tone of his. He sits unblinking, staring at me with a slight grin. Then he takes a slow sip of his wine.
Ignoring his last statement, but feeling the heat rise from my collar, I continue, “My parents divorced when I was young. Eventually, I moved with my father to Virginia; then later, I moved back to Tennessee to be with my mother and stepfather.”
“I’ve heard rumors that you come from legacy stock.”
“The rumors are half true. My father’s family comes from wealth, but my mother’s family did not. The trust fund life was not for me. I wanted to follow my own path.”
“Looks like you’ve done well so far.”
“I try, but I still have to live with the ‘Entitled Douchebag’ label no matter how hard I work.”
He chuckles, then says, “I guess we’re all slaves to labels these days.” He’s got a great laugh, warm and inviting. “What made you get into acting?”
“Let’s just say it was great therapy.” I’m not willing to delve into my private struggles.
“Point taken.”
“What about you? Where did you grow up?” I try to move the focus away from me.
“I’m a Chicago native. Growing up, it was just my mom and me. My grandparents helped her take care of me when they could. My old man split before I was born. Mom was a dance school teacher for children. If you couldn’t guess, that’s how I got into the field.
“With my mom being involved in that world, I was always surrounded by creative types. We had artists, musicians, dancers and actors over to the house all the time. Our house was creative central for the locals. It was natural for me to pursue acting and dance. I did some work in children’s theater when I was younger; then as I got older, I was in a few commercials. My mom had an opportunity to assist in choreography with a colleague of hers who started working on Broadway, so we moved to New York. I’ve been there ever since on stage and bit parts on shows.”
“I’ve seen some of your prior work online, very impressive.”
“You’ve been checking me out?” He sounds playful.
Maybe it’s the wine, but I’m feeling lively as well and playback. “Maybe so, had to know who I’d be hooking up with after all.” I get another hearty chuckle from that one. His soft brown eyes twinkle and in turn, make me laugh too.
“Alright, country boy. I got you. After passing the test, how would you say my performance ranks?”
“Meh, fair at best.” I’m being facetious, rolling my eyes and sipping my drink.
“Oh, really? Well, I guess I need to work on my technique.”
“Alright, it was better than meh, I’ll say…7 out of 10,” I joke.
“Okay, okay I’ll take that, but…you gotta let me know, better or worse than your boy Josh?”
“I never kiss and tell.” The fact is, kissing him had been great. Not better or worse from kissing Josh, just totally different.
“How was that for you, anyway? Kissing, boys?” He’s trying to draw me out and ask me the question that is on the tip of his tongue.
“What do you want to know?”
“How on earth does a straight country boy from Tennessee end up on a show making out with guys, huh?”
“It wasn’t always in the plan, that’s for sure. It was a choice from the studio. I could put up or shut up, and I was not going back to serving drinks to rich LA assholes.”
“You mean ‘Entitled Douchebags?’” he mocks me.
“Exactly!”
“I’ve got to hand it to you. There aren’t many straight actors that dare to take on that type of role. They feel it would damage their masculine credibility.”
“In all honesty, I did have my apprehension in the beginning. It was a huge step. I wanted to be true to the character and was afraid I couldn’t do it service, or worse end up offending the LGBTQ community for my portrayal. It was a thin line I was treading. Ultimately it ended up working out, though because I found a great partner.”
“Ah, yes, Josh. It must have been quite the transition for two straight guys to become Couple of the Year suddenly.”
“We haven’t exactly won that title yet.”
“Yeah, yet. You guys have it in the bag. How did you make it work, so…convincingly?”
I feel where he’s going with this, so it’s time to deflect. “Josh and I are best friends. We vibe off each other. So, our being together was no big deal.”
“Does he feel the same way?” Kai knows I’m not going to admit to anything about Josh directly, so he’s trying through the backdoor.
“Of course, he knows he’s an important person in my life.”
“How important?”
“I know if I need someone, Josh would be the first person I turn to.” I’m getting edgy. He looks at me closely, then leans back and takes his final sip of wine. Then he backs off, knowing he’s gone as far as he can with me.
“It’s very important to have someone like that in your life. I’ve been wanting to tell you how much I’ve enjoyed being with you on the show. The entire cast is great. It’s better than anything I expected. If you don’t mind me saying so, I think we work well together. It’s been an…eye opening experience. I only hope that we will be able to convey as much honesty in our portrayal as you do with Josh.”
His words have made me feel restless. I need an exit strategy. “It’s late;
I need to be getting home.”
“Yeah, text Josh to let him know you are on your way.” He has a smug smile. With that, I pack a hasty retreat out of there.
Chapter 36
Josh
I’ve been checking my texts for the last few hours and still no word from Noah. He said taping went late, so I shouldn’t wait to eat with him. I stopped by the Thai place and picked up our usual orders. I love the veggie curry, while Noah gets the spicy pork. I’m rarely in the house alone, so I kick back with a beer and watch a movie on Netflix. Per usual, I fall asleep, and when I wake up, Noah is still not back.
It’s just past 11:00 pm and I’m starting to get worried. I’m not one to check in on him all the time. It’s just unusual for him to be out of contact for so long. I send him a quick message.
Getting late. I was a little worried. Are you okay? - Josh
I don’t have to wait long before I see the chat bubble pop up.
I’m on my way home now. - Noah
I let loose a sigh of relief and gather my things before I head for bed. I’m washing up a few dishes in the sink when I hear the front door open. Noah walks in looking tired and a little disheveled.
Wiping my hands quickly on a nearby dishtowel, I walk to Noah and place a kiss on his lips. “Hi, baby, I missed you today.” I cup his cheeks, and he grabs me around the waist and pulls me close to him. He tips his forehead to mine and breathes me in loudly.
“I missed you too, babe.”
“How did it go?” I try looking into his eyes.
“Okay.” He looks down at the ground.
“You’re pretty late; was there a problem?”
He pauses for a second as if struggling to come up with a reason. “The issue was me. I have dialogue-heavy scenes in the next few episodes. I kept fumbling my lines. I was getting nervous and couldn’t keep the words straight in my head. I forget how much easier it’s gotten with you.”
I turn his head back to mine and watch his expression. “Baby, anytime you need me; I’m here, okay?” I rub my hand along the new stubble on his jawline. “Just call me. I’ll walk you through.”