by T L Bradford
Monica’s home is warm and inviting. Pictures of Kai’s family adorn every nook and cranny of wall space. They are all beautiful. I see who his grandparents must be and tons of cousins. There are pictures of little Kai from what looks like elementary school looking as cute as ever. Images of Kai at dance recitals and school plays have their own section on her hutch.
“Wasn’t he precious?” she says, admiring her handsome son.
“So precious,” I say to him, mocking her words.
“Knock it off.” He grins wide.
As we sit and eat, we talk up a storm, with Monica discussing her time teaching dance and how she overcame the odds as a dancer with her short stature to become a respected teacher in the dance community. She also talked about her time on Broadway and working with some of the world’s best choreographers. She is so fascinating and engaging to listen to; I am caught up in her energy.
I hear stories about Kai growing up and how much of a little troublemaker he used to be. I would never have guessed.
“I couldn’t leave that boy alone for more than 15 minutes without him getting into something.”
“I wasn’t that bad.”
“I remember differently,” she counters. “One time Kai gets it in his head that he’s going to sneak out in the middle of the night to meet this boy at the park…”
“Ma no….” He shakes his head, pleading she does not tell the story.
Paying him no mind at all, she continues, “Well, this crazy fool goes out the window where he had a ladder waiting for him to get down. Only it was a freezing night. It had rained earlier in the day, so the ladder was a frozen popsicle. Kai steps on the thing, slips and falls two stories and is only saved by the grace of God because of the rose bushes under his window. We hear howling and screaming coming from outside. So, we go out to see what the heck is going on. There lies Kai, on his back, spread eagle, stuck on the bushes. Took us damn near three hours to get all the thorns out of his ass.”
“Bwahhaaahahaha!” I cackle.
“Damn, ma.” Kai is totally embarrassed.
“I love him so much, but damn that boy was dumb.”
“Did you get pictures?”
“Now what kind of mother would I be if I did that? Of course, I did, come over here, and I’ll show you!” She reaches over for a photo album, and it’s like she has it dog-eared because she goes right to it.
“Seriously, mom! You’re killing me here.”
“Give me that book!” I scramble to see the evidence. I’m able to evade Kai’s grasp to stop me and see the offending image. If I could die right there, I would. There’s Kai in living color stuck on the bushes.
“This is excellent blackmail material by the way.”
“Kai, you caught a cute one here. Don’t you let him get away!” I see a quick look of panic cross Kai’s face as he stares at his mom for her declaration. “I… I mean… he’s a good friend; they’re hard to find.”
I think it’s cute that he’s so concerned about how we are perceived. I honestly don’t mind it. It’s just a little awkward because we haven’t actually acknowledged that we are dating. Aside from the quick kiss when we went camping, Kai and I have not had any sexual activity beyond that. We’ve focused on spending time together and getting to know each other better. Sure, we’ve had a few physical encounters, like when he stayed over a few times after watching movies. We snuggled a little on the couch, but that was it.
I don’t know why I haven’t told him about Josh yet. Every part of me thinks he already knows, so I’m not compelled to dredge it up again. He is also being very cautious and seems to be in no hurry to rush things to a physical level yet. Part of this journey with him was to find out what it was I wanted. Is it him? Is it Josh? Maybe I don’t deserve either of them because I am a selfish bastard.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been to New York City. I always admired how the city has a lifeline of its own. You can almost put your ear to the ground and feel the heartbeat.
Kai is at his audition, and I’m supposed to meet up with him here at the café when he has finished. We booked a room here in the city because we were not sure what we wanted to do after the audition today. While I’m here, I check up on the news and add some pics of my trip to my social media feeds.
Unable to help myself, I flip to Josh’s Instagram to creep on his feed. Just as I thought, several new images of him and Sarita greet me. What bothers me is the fact that they look legitimately happy. No lies, no secrets between them. Josh is open and happy.
It makes me think how truly awful I’ve been to him. When he was with me, it was always my rules, my way. And since he was a good guy, he always played by them. It starts to sink in how humiliated he must have felt being pushed into the backseat of our relationship. I belittled his existence in my life, which was the last thing I ever wanted to do. Fuck! How could I be so stupid? I had the love of a man who cared for me unconditionally, and I threw it all away.
As I stare at the images of Josh, I notice a change in his appearance. I compare the private pics I took of him and me with the ones in his feed. What I see in his eyes in our images is the look of a man in love, but looking more closely, there is a hint of sadness. This is true for every picture. It’s like he knew no one would ever see these besides the two of us. He would always take second place to our secret. I realize just how much my selfish behavior hurt him and how he’s probably better off without me.
“Hey, you!” I hear a familiar voice that jolts me back to reality. It’s Kai back from his audition. I hit the close button on the phone immediately. My haste must look suspicious because I see his brow furrow, but he doesn’t ask me what I was doing.
“Hi, how did it go?”
“I think it went okay. I’ve got a call back for tomorrow.”
“That’s awesome, Kai!” I stand up to hug him. He embraces me close.
“It’s a great part, not the lead, but my character has the best lines. It could lead to something more.”
“Let’s celebrate! Any place you want to go! My treat.”
“Would this be like a…date?”
“It can be whatever you want to call it.” I leave it open-ended.
I see the corner of his mouth curl into a little smile, he looks deeply into my eyes and moves in very close to me, staring at my lips. “I’d like that.” He smells so good, spicy, smooth.
Since we are in Manhattan, we opt to stay in the city and find a nice quiet restaurant for dinner. We end up at an old favorite of Kai’s, an Italian restaurant named Michelangelo’s. It’s a very intimate location, with dimmed, soft yellow lights, high-backed isolated booths, and personal attention from every server.
When we arrive, Kai receives a hug from the restaurant owner who is happy to see him back in his establishment. He gives us his best table and a bottle of wine on the house. Everything on the menu looks delicious. The smells from the kitchen are amazing. I can see why Kai loves this place.
He’s dressed in a dark suit, white dress shirt, no tie, open-collared. He hasn’t taken his eyes off me all evening, and I’m already feeling flushed from the attention. He reaches over to pour us each a glass of wine.
One of his best qualities is his confidence. When he knows what he wants, he goes after it. In this case, tonight, it’s me. I take a small sip of the wine, careful not to overindulge. Kai chats about his audition and all the other actors that showed up as well. His excitement and enthusiasm enthrall me. I’m sure his storytelling abilities come from his mother. No wonder he’s such a great actor.
“This has been such a special day, I mean, I know I don’t have the part yet or anything, but just being here with you has made the trip out here worth it.” Then he reaches across the table and grabs my left hand rubbing the backs of my knuckles. I stare down at our hands loving the contrast in the tones of our skin, the tender way he brushes my skin with his slightly callused fingertips. I turn my hand over to intertwine my fingers with his in a praying pose. He brings o
ur hands up to his lips and kisses our bound hands. He only breaks the connection once our food arrives.
True to his word, the food here is amazing. The sauce is zesty and full of garlic, just the way I like it. We flirt like crazy over dinner, teasing each other. We finish off our meal by sharing a slice of tiramisu which melts in my mouth. By the time we leave Michelangelo’s, I’m horny as hell and can’t wait to get back to our room.
The restaurant is not far from the hotel, so we walk. It’s a cool, crisp evening. The sky is clear, and the moon is bright overhead. We walk in silence, then Kai moves a little closer to me and grasps my hand as we walk. I try to be nonchalant about it, but inside my heart is racing a million miles a minute. He cocks a brow up at me and checks my reaction to his public display of affection. Surprisingly, I don’t feel alarmed or ashamed. All I am aware of is the velvety texture of his palm in mine and the warmth it brings.
We walk across the lobby, hand in hand. I expect people to stare and look at us in disgust, but the reality is no one pays us any attention at all. That’s not true, we get a few brief glances, but they are appreciative ones from a few ladies. They probably think it’s cute.
I start to get nervous as we approach the room. I have no idea how tonight is going to play out, but I’m pushing myself to find out where this goes. Once the door closes softly, I try to calm myself mentally. Kai wastes no time in walking towards me, but instead of reaching to touch me, he slides my coat off of my shoulders and places it neatly on one of the beds. He then takes off his own and does the same.
“You look like a deer caught in the headlights,” he says to me.
“I don’t mean to…I don’t know; I guess I’m just…I’m just…” I stammer.
“You’re just nervous,” he completes my sentence. “It’s okay; I am too. We’re in unchartered waters here.” His voice is husky and rough.
“Yeah.” I look down at the ground.
“Let’s deal with it, then.” He moves his hand to my upper arm. He latches onto my hand and tugs me toward the outer balcony of our suite. It’s chilly outside, but this is probably what I need to clear my head.
Kai sits down on the bench outside while having me sit in the chair across from him. “Don’t look so scared; you’re making me anxious.”
“Sorry, I don’t mean to.” Wow. I am blowing this big time. I feel the familiar doubts enter my mind and reach over to touch my pulse point when Kai’s hands intercept my movement. He grabs both of my hands and looks me in the eyes.
“Noah, I’ve meant to talk to you for some time now about how I think the direction of our friendship has taken a turn. I think you know by now that my feelings for you are not exactly platonic.” I’m finally able to lift my eyes from his hands, back up to his face. “I’ve felt a real connection with you from day one and as time has gone on it has only gotten more intense. Seeing you every day has become my medicine. I can’t function without you. But you see, I have a problem.” This time it’s his turn to drop his gaze. He tilts his head down and looks at the ground between us as he tries to come up with the right words to say to me. “My problem is I have serious feelings for a guy that I’m not even sure is capable of caring for me back. I’ve gotten some pretty mixed signals from you.
“Sometimes I think you may be into me, then other times it’s like we’re just bros chilling. I guess what I’m trying to say here is I don’t want to be in this ambiguous haze with you anymore. I’m going to lay my cards out on the table and let you know I want to pursue something more with you. But first, I need to know if what I’m feeling is only one-sided or not. Am I crazy? Am I reading this all wrong? Is there any chance you want me the same way I want you?”
I take a moment to get my thoughts together, then I answer, “You’re not crazy.” I see the tension in his shoulders relax. “Kai…I’m gay.” I nearly choke the words out of my mouth. “That is the first time I’ve ever said it.” I feel his hands wrap warmly around my own; then he pulls me beside him on the bench where he is sitting.
I feel overwhelming emotion swelling in my chest. I blink back tears that begin welling in my eyes. Kai looks deeply into my eyes then tucks me in close to his chest. I let loose a pained sound and grasp his shirt tightly in my hands. Then I sob. My full body shudders from the sheer strength of the emotion that hits me like a Mack Truck.
I sit there trembling and whimpering into his chest, and all the while Kai gently holds me and rocks me back and forth, occasionally kissing the top of my forehead and whispering soft words of encouragement about how brave I am and how he’s so proud of me for finally admitting my feelings and freeing myself. We sit there for I have no idea how long.
Eventually, he leads me back inside the room and has me sit upright on the bed against the headboard. He drapes a blanket around me and hugs me close to his side, climbing in beside me. The cry drains me, and I doze for a short while with my head on his chest. He keeps watching over me the whole while to make sure I’m okay.
When I wake up, I see his wide light brown eyes staring back at me. He cups his hand on my cheek and strokes the side of my face with his thumb. We are so close. His thumb moves to my lips, and he brushes his rough fingertip across my bottom lip. On his touch, I part my lips. He licks his lips instinctually and leans in closer to me, almost touching his lips to mine. I make a move to close the last part of the distance.
His lips move slowly over mine as if trying not to spook me. Trust me; I have no intention of running from him. His lips are strong and seeking. He tastes just as spicy and raw as his scent. Kai plunges his tongue into my mouth, exploring every curve and surface he can reach. He grabs the back of my head to pull me even closer.
I take possession of his mouth as well, placing my hand on the base of his head. I tilt his head upward so that I can rain kisses down his throat and jawline. He moves his head slightly to the side to give me full access. I latch my mouth onto his pulsing artery and suck hard. I hear him moan and begin to writhe, searching for more skin to touch.
Then, I’m on top of him and pulling off his dress shirt, peeling away the layers that keep us from each other. He does the same to me until we are both naked and twisting over each other to find every position we can in the desperate quest to explore each other’s body. I cup his balls and feel their heavy weight. He growls deeply. I feel him up from the long thick shaft to the tip, his body growing taut and tense. Seemingly unable to take the torture anymore, he sits up and flips our positions, putting me underneath him. He hovers over me and appraises my body.
“Goddammit Noah, you are beautiful!” he says gruffly, then takes my mouth again. He kisses every square inch of my body, leaving me shaking and quivering. He moves his heavy hand between our two bodies and wraps his hand around my throbbing cock. He starts moving his hand in a slow jerking motion in rhythm to my breathing, which is quickening in pace. He brings us closer with his arm. This pulls my torso up, flush to his body. Then with his thumb, he rubs small circles on the back of my neck in my highly sensitive spot. It’s a familiar feeling. Too familiar. This is Josh’s go-to move for me when he wants to make me cum.
I open my eyes and instead of looking into the whiskey-colored eyes bringing me ecstasy, all I see are a pair of hazel orbs staring back at me. I suddenly and unexpectedly scream out my release and shudder uncontrollably in his arms. I then tuck my head into Kai’s chest and feel him tighten his hold around me as I come down from my high. I’m having trouble catching my breath, whimpering softly and trembling.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…what’s going on here? Noah, are you okay?” I refuse to lift my head from his chest. “Is there something wrong? Baby, talk to me.” His use of the term of endearment makes me freeze in place. Then slowly, I lift my head to him.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Sorry? Sorry for what?” He sounds confused.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Kai.”
The confusion in his eyes blends into one of reluctant understanding. He’s quiet for a littl
e while.
“It’s Josh, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“You were together for a while, I take it?”
“We were.”
“I thought so.”
“I want this to work so badly. Kai, I really do.”
“So, did I. But I can’t make you love me if you’re still in love with someone else.”
I sit up and move next to Kai’s side. He looks so heartbroken. I hate I’m the cause of his pain. I’m always causing everyone pain.
“I’m so confused right now, Kai. I don’t know what I want.”
“I don’t think that is true.”
I sit back against the headboard, and my mind begins to reel. Is he right? Am I still in love with Josh? How is that even possible? I have a great guy right here in front of me who is all the things I’ve ever wanted in a lifelong partner. And to top it all off, he wants me too? There should be no hold up. A relationship with him is a no-brainer. Kai and I should be moving forward and having our happily ever after. And yet…there is this niggling feeling of doubt I have about my feelings for Josh being over.
But Josh has already moved on and with a woman no doubt. Why am I even contemplating this? The man hasn’t even spoken to me in over three months. I think again about something Josh always said about me. I like to play it safe. I never take the risk, not when it really counts. I have a choice, right here, right now. I can play it safe and try to convince Kai that I am over Josh. Or, take the risk that even if I choose Josh over Kai, Josh still may not want anything to do with me.
Not when it counts.
I lean forward and put my head in my hands. “Please, don’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you. You mean too much to me.”
“I still want you in my life.”
“It’s going to take time. I’ll need some time to think.”
“Thank you.”
“I had to give it my best shot. I took a risk. Either way, it was worth it.”
“You are going to tell him, right?” Gemma asks me between sips of her too hot Spiced Apple Cider.