by Eric Vall
“The Porta ad Inferos is protected by a powerful Divine spell,” Sia explained, “but once it becomes public land owned by the government…”
“Give unto Ceasar what is Caesar's.” I nodded.
“That is correct,” the redhead continued. “The spell will be rendered irrelevant.”
“And then that fuckwit Azazel can just waltz right back onto Earth like he was never banished in the first place,” Todd finished.
“Maybe,” Cupi corrected. “Nobody has ever been able to reverse a banishment spell.”
“If Sister Ira and Forneus are so hellbent on securing this land, they must have a plan,” Sia warned.
“Well fuck,” I blurted out as I leaned back on the couch. “The new congressional session starts in a week or so. We don’t have much time to get this situation figured out.”
“Ahhh, no worries.” The imp swiped his hand through the air. “We’ve beaten way bigger odds than this. For example, I ate that entire mac and cheese pizza, and it didn’t destroy the toilet upstairs. Those were some pretty bad odds.”
“I appreciate your optimism, Todd,” I laughed, “but we--”
My words were cut off by a knock at the door.
Sia, Todd, and I looked at each other in confusion.
“Did somebody forget their purse or something?” I asked as I stood up and made my way over to the mansion’s entryway.
I opened the massive wooden door, and there was Franklin and Ira’s “son,” Ralphie. Next to the boy stood a small poodle that was wagging its tail happily and drooling on the sidewalk.
“Uh, where are your parents?” I asked, rather unconvincingly. “Didn’t they take off already?”
“They did, but we found this little puppy wandering around just down the street,” the boy’s cold voice responded. “My loving Mother and Father wanted me to see if it was yours.”
I did not like where this was headed.
“Look, you can cut the crap,” I sneered at the “child.” “I know you’re not really their kid, and I’m ninety-nine percent sure that’s not a dog.”
“Oh thank fuck,” the kid said as his voice grew deeper. “I didn’t know how much longer I could keep that bullshit up. You’re right, I’m not a kid, but this is a dog. He’s my special dog, one that you’re going to be very familiar with once I send you to Hell.”
The bodies of both the boy and the dog started to contort as they were engulfed with red Hellfire. Their legs stretched and bent in inhuman ways, and snake-like hisses of pain spouted from their mouths as they transformed.
The former poodle now stood as a massive black dog with bright red eyes and blood that dripped from its mouth. Its tail grew longer and curved upward, and two large horns protruded from the sides of its head, just in front of the canine’s ears.
As for the boy, he was now a five-foot tall, obese demon with red skin and two stubby horns. Around his waist hung a loincloth that covered his manhood, but that was honestly the last thing that needed to be covered. All across the demon’s body were large, pus-filled boils that looked like they were about to burst at any second. The nasty-looking fucker was completely bald, minus a few patches that stuck up out of his boil-covered head like mud-covered grass poking through the sidewalk. In his hand, he held a flaming single-headed battle axe.
The creepy fucker whistled, and the dog crouched down and began to snarl.
“Sic him.”
Chapter 6
I was able to duck out of the way just seconds before the jaws of the hellhound snapped shut on my skull, but before I could reorient myself, the ugly fucker with the axe brought his weapon hurling down from above.
I pushed my body back with my legs, and my ass hit the floor just in time to see the axe smash into the ground a few inches from my crotch.
“What the fuck is going on in-- Holyfuckingshitballs!” I heard Todd exclaim from behind.
The hellhound leapt up at me once more, but I was able to block it quickly by tossing up a purple barrier. At the same time, I unleashed a blast of red Hellfire on the demon with the loincloth, but he skillfully knocked it away with the haft of his weapon.
“You’re one ugly motherfucker,” Todd mocked in his best Austrian accent.
“Kill them all, my pet!” the demon exclaimed, and then the hellhound turned its attention away from me and began to run back at Sia and Todd.
“You’ve got a lot of balls coming here,” I warned the fucker as I hopped up to my feet and sprouted my blue horns. “This whole place is filled with spellcasters who are quite literally willing to fight to the death for me.”
“My pet will take care of those pesky mortals,” the demon mused, seemingly unconcerned, “but you’re all mine, Ralston!”
Ralphie swung his axe horizontally to try to go for the killing blow, but I was too quick. I cast a green portal up in front of the blade, and it suddenly reappeared beside the ugly bastard as it plunged into his side.
The ugly demon let out a grunt of agony, and I quickly closed the portal around the pole of his weapon. The axe was snapped in two about three-quarters of the way up the shaft, and he was forced to pull on the stubby handle to get the massive head out of his body. Blackish-crimson blood splashed onto the floor of the mansion as the demon gripped the now-shortened battle axe in his right hand. In his left hand, the fucker held the broken pole like a makeshift spear.
My opponent made a move like he was going to swing the axe, but then struck out with the metal skewer.
I tossed down another green portal to redirect the thrust, but this time the fucker was prepared. He jerked his head to the side just as the spear reappeared and tried to turn his head into a kebab. At the same time, he swung the enchanted red axe at my feet, and I had only seconds to react.
I leapt up into the air, created a purple barrier underneath my feet, and used that to propel myself over him. I landed upright on the floor behind the fucker and unleashed a bowling ball-sized blast of Hellfire directly into his back.
The ugly demon’s body was sent hurling through the air until his momentum was finally stopped by the marble of the left staircase with a terrible crash.
With the big guy down for now, I took a brief moment to check on my friends.
Todd was now riding on top of the hellhound with his tiny mitts wrapped around its horns. Meanwhile, Sia was trying to hit the lightning-fast beast with blasts of her black Hellfire.
“Get him outside!” I ordered. “With a little bit of backup, we’ll make short work of these assholes.”
“You heard the man, Cujo!” Todd snickered and jerked his hands to the left.
The hellhound’s momentum was turned in the same direction as his head was yanked, and he disappeared through the threshold that led to the kitchen. A second later, I heard the shattering of glass and a handful of shouts from outside.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the massive demon leap to his feet.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Sia called out as she blasted a beam of black Hellfire at the ugly fucker. Her attack caught the fucker just as he was leaping over the edge of the staircase, and he was frozen in time and space.
Most importantly, he couldn’t attack or defend himself.
As the demon struggled to breathe, I used the opportunity to create a purple circle of Hellfire all around his body. Sia cut off her spell, and I slowly started to close the walls of the magic prison around the demon.
“No, wait!” he begged. “I’ll tell you whatever you need to know!”
“We already know everything,” I sneered. “We know about the Porta ad Inferos. We know that your ‘parents’ are both demons trying to find a way to bring Azazel back from Hell, and, most importantly, we know that you tried to come in here and attack us in our home. For that, you’re going to die!”
Despite the ugly fucker’s pleas, I continued to close the purple barrier around him. I could hear his bones breaking as they were forced out through his muscles and poked out through his flesh. Once I heard the wet p
op of his spinal cord, I released my spell.
The ugly fucker’s mangled body collapsed to the floor in a bloody heap.
“Now let’s hope Lassie out there is as easy to kill as his handler.” I nodded to Sia, and then we both ran toward the action outside.
I was definitely not prepared for what I saw when we reached the door.
Several of the cultists’ bodies lay across the yard. They were all still alive, but they were way worse for wear.
All the way out by the pergola, I saw Todd riding on the back of Cupi as she hovered in the air, just out of the dog’s reach. Libidine was beside her sister, fluttering upon her bat-like wings as she unleashed handfuls of glowing yellow spears down at the hellhound.
Meanwhile, Jane and Oliver were on the ground, leading the group of cultists. They were firing spell after spell at the dog, but he was too fast as he charged and spun past the mystical projectiles.
Every now and again, a spray of crimson would fly into the air when the hellhound went in for the kill, but thankfully my people got away without getting mauled to oblivion.
“Can you heal any of them?” I pointed to the bodies of the fallen cultists.
“On it,” the madame nodded, summoned a gold flame into her hands, and tended to the wounded.
From all the way across the yard, I tried to throw up an emerald portal at the beast’s feet. The little bastard must have seen it coming because it jumped into the air and completely avoided the trap. A few more spells flew past the dog as it hung in the sky, but none of them connected.
“This fucker’s fast,” I growled. “We may not be able to hit him, but we can at least keep him from killing any more of our men.”
I reached out with my right hand and created a massive wall of purple fire between the hellhound and the cultists. They’d be safe for now, especially as the hellhound bounced off the first time it tried to break through.
The dog continued to dash back and forth, avoiding the succubi’s attacks and trying his damnedest to make a dent in my barrier. I was fully focused on the thing as I planned a way to take it out permanently when...
“Jacob, watch out!” Cupi called out from above as she unleashed a blast of blue Hellfire behind me.
I turned around to see the ugly fucker’s single-headed axe frozen in the air. Had the blonde succubus been two seconds later, it would have caved in my skull. Behind the floating axe stood the nasty-looking demon. Despite the beating we had given him back in the house, and the fact we’d turned his spinal cord into jelly, the fucker looked as good as new.
“Didn’t I just fucking kill you?” I asked and shot a blast of red Hellfire with my free hand.
The ugly fucker rolled out of the way of the attack. When he came to a stop, he stomped his foot into the ground, and a shockwave was sent hurling through the dirt toward Sia.
I tackled the madame out of the way of the attack just before it could connect.
“A boy and his dog!” The ugly fucker laughed. “It’s a trope as old as time itself.”
“Bro, did you seriously just give away your one weakness?” Todd called out from above. “What a fucking idiot.”
“It’s called a strategic revelation,” the demon retorted. “I like to give a little bit of mystery to my prey before--”
“You have to kill him and the dog within a few minutes of each other, or else they’re just gonna keep coming back,” Todd explained.
“How did you kn--” the fucker started to ask as his eyes opened wide with fear.
“You need to work on your riddle skills, bro!” The imp cackled as Cupi released her blue spell and flew off to fight the hellhound.
“That’s actually great.” I summoned red and green Hellfire into my hands. “That means I can kill you as many times as I fucking want.”
I reached up, engulfed the battle axe with jade flames, and then hurled it at the boil-filled demon. He jumped out of the way of the strike, but I had anticipated that and was already prepared. I fired off a shot of red Hellfire directly into his trajectory. The blast hit the demon and spun him around like a top.
As if we had planned it, Sia then unleashed her black flame around the spinning demon to hold him, and then I summoned the emerald fire again to guide the axe back around.
This time, it didn’t miss. It struck the fucker in the side of his head and exploded it like a gore-filled balloon. The demon’s headless body crumbled down onto the grass and spewed blackish blood like a water fountain.
“Alright,” I said as I turned back toward the hellhound, “we only have a few minutes to finish this killer demon dog before his master returns.”
“Do you have a plan?” Sia asked hopefully.
“Do I ever not?” I shot her a knowing smile.
“That does not make me feel better,” she laughed.
“Ever seen how a rancher corrals his herd?” I asked, hoping to reassure the succubus. “I’m gonna need your help on this one.”
The redhead’s eyes lit up with recognition when she realized what I planned to do.
I reached out and tossed up a purple barrier in front of the hellhound, who quickly darted around it, and a split second later, Sia fired a blast of red fire toward the dog’s feet, but he jumped up to avoid it. As he did so, I created another barrier, but this time it was below his feet.
The hellhound backflipped off the barrier, but I was able to toss another one underneath his trajectory while he was still in the sky. The dog looked confused and jumped again to avoid an incoming attack from the succubi.
I continued to create purple platforms underneath the hellhound, slowly raising him higher and higher up into the night sky. Finally, once he was nearly two hundred feet in the air, I dismissed my spell, and all the Hellfire platforms evaporated into thin air.
The demonic dog snarled as it plummeted back down to Earth, but the monster was silenced when it smacked into the ground with a bone-crunching thud. It was this dog’s day.
“Holy fuck, we did it!” I let out a sigh of relief.
The succubi landed back down on the ground next to me, and Todd slipped off Cupi’s shoulders.
“Eat shit, assholes!” I heard a familiar voice scream from behind.
I turned around to see the ugly fucker’s axe hurling right at my face.
Just before the attack connected with my skull, I saw a blur of red flash past my face. There was a wet “thunk,” and Todd’s body flew back and collided with my own, knocking me to the ground.
I looked over at the imp and saw the massive axe sticking out of his body. Todd was heaving with each breath he took as he barely clung to life.
I felt an unbridled rage pour up into my body from my very core. This fucker hurt my best friend. Fuck this ugly bastard and his fucked up dog.
This ended now.
Still, on the ground, I unleashed a blast of red Hellfire upon the ugly demon like none I’d ever created before.
The demon’s body lit up like a candle, and he shrieked in agony as every inch of flesh was scorched off of his bones and then his bones were turned to ash. When I released my attack, there was nothing left of the asshole.
I looked up to make sure that the dog was still dead, and then I ran over to check on Todd. The poor guy was still alive, but he was in rough shape. The imp grimaced in pain with each breath that he took, and blood oozed out of the massive wound on his chest.
I reached down and took Todd into my arms.
“Annnndd IIIIIIIIII will alllwaaays love yoouuuuuu.” My friend weakly coughed and then spat up some blood.
“Thanks, bro.” I smiled at the imp in my arms. “You totally saved my life.”
“That’s… that’s why I’m Kal-El and you’re Jimmy Olsen,” he wheezed with a chuckle.
“Let me see him,” Sia demanded as she ran over.
“What do you think?” I asked as she studied Todd’s wounds. “Can you fix him?”
Superbia closed her violet eyes and concentrated. The air around the succubus bec
ame warmer and warmer as her right hand began to glow with a golden flame. The fire grew more intense and illuminated the entire area around the redhead. Sia reached out and touched Todd’s body, and the flame spread from her open palm to all around the figure of the fallen imp.
Slowly, the protruding axe began to dissolve. Once it was gone, the golden fire encircled Todd’s puncture wound, and his skin began to close back into itself like the iris of a camera. Even the broken horn jutting out of the left side of the imp’s head began to regrow.
Sia relaxed her magic and stepped back to admire her work.
Todd sat up and felt at his body, and then his horn. “Holy shit! The Toddster lives to fight another day!” The imp jumped down out of my arms, ran over to the redhead, and hugged her leg tightly. “You’re my new favorite, Strawberry Shortcake.”
“It’s the least I could do.” Sia shrugged.
“Thank God we have a healer in our midsts now.” I let out a sigh of relief. “I don’t know what I’d do without our little imp around.”
“The group would be a lot less sexy, that’s for sure,” Todd noted with a snicker.
“What do we do now?” Jane asked somberly.
“I want to find whoever is responsible, and make them suffer,” Oliver hissed.
“I think we all know who’s responsible.” I nodded grimly. “Azazel and Forneus. This is my fault, guys. I should have never let that asshole into our home.”
I felt Libidine’s tender hand as she placed it on my shoulder.
“It’s not your fault, Jacob,” the curvy succubus said as she tried to comfort me. “We all agreed to this. It was the only way we were going to figure out what Azazel and Sister Ira were up to.”
“Oliver’s right,” I growled. “We need to go after Forneus and make him pay, and we have to make sure that asshole Azazel never steps foot on Earth ever again.”
“I sense a road trip coming on…” Todd giggled.
I looked around at my friends and my followers.
“We need to head to Washington, D.C.”