by Eric Vall
Chapter 7
“I thought the idea of going to Hell was bad,” Todd scoffed as he stared out the window at passing trees, “but Washington? That’s much worse, bro.”
“Oh, it won’t be that bad,” I reassured the imp as we drove through the vast open plains of Oklahoma. “We went on a school trip to D.C. in my junior year. There’s actually a lot more to do there than you’d expect. As long as you avoid the tourist traps that is.”
“It’ll probably come as no surprise to you,” Libidine chuckled from the backseat, “but we succubi are very familiar with Washington D.C. It’s one of the biggest hotbeds of activity in this part of the world.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Todd made a “mind-blown” motion and took a puff from the joint in his hand. “Are you telling me that politicians aren’t faithful to their wives?”
“I would have figured you’d be more surprised that our high-ranking government officials knew about demons and knew how to summon succubi.” I chuckled.
Todd just shrugged. “Illuminati, bro.”
“You know, normally I’d roll my eyes and laugh, but nothing surprises me anymore,” I mused. “I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to find out the Demonic and the Divine were pulling strings behind every major event in world history.”
Todd and the succubi remained silent at my words.
“Oh, come on!” I glanced back in the rearview mirror at the girls. “You’re not saying--”
“The influence of Heaven and Hells’ forces goes back very far and goes very deep,” Cupi explained. “Maybe not every single important moment, but certainly a lot of them.”
“You have to remember, Jacob,” Sia added, “that the dealings of Earth Realm mean little to the Demonic and the Divine unless they directly interfere with their own plans. On the rare occasion that happens, then they will step in and intervene.”
“Like with Proposition Sixty-Six.” I nodded.
“Precisely,” Sia confirmed. “Although I must admit, this particular scenario is rather odd.”
“How so?” I asked the madame.
“I’ll take this one, Sister,” Libidine piped up. “What I believe Sister Superbia is saying is that normally, demons would simply force their will onto humans using trickery or brute force. It’s weird to see Forneus playing by the rules of mortal men.”
“Remember how Azazel had me torture that poor paranormal investigator, and then he tore him in half once he told us what we wanted to know?” Sia added somberly.
“How could I forget?” I shuddered. “That was fucked up.”
“That’s how some demons normally deal with humans,” the redhead explained.
“So wait,” Todd blew some of his reefer smoke out the window of Shadow, “if demons can just Hulk Hogan their way through everything, then why even pretend to be humans at all?”
The succubi remained silent as they thought about Todd’s words.
“I don’t think they know who that is, Todd,” I said with a laugh.
“Only the baddest motherfucking wrestler who ever lived!” Todd exclaimed as he jumped up onto the seat.
The imp’s tiny appendages transformed into two large, muscular human arms, and he flexed them downward dramatically.
“You know, ‘Whatcha gonna do, brother?’” He threw his voice to sound like the Hulkster.
“This guy sounds like he’s a powerful warrior of Earth Realm?” Cupi asked curiously.
“Not exactly,” I began to correct her. “He’s a pro wrestler. It’s basically scrip--”
Before I could finish my sentence, one of Todd’s human hands slapped over my mouth.
“Don’t you dare say that, bro!” Todd warned. “Don’t you go putting that evil on these girls, brother!”
I grimaced as I tried to keep my cool. The hand Todd had put over my face was really warm and really clammy, and I shuddered at the thought of what he’d done with it before.
“Shhhhh.” The imp slowly removed his grubby paw from my face as the sound slipped out. “Don’t ruin this for them. It’d be like telling a kid Santa isn’t real.”
“Like you did to my nephew?” I said with a raised eyebrow.
“Hey,” Todd shrugged with his massive arms, “you can’t blame the Toddster for the things he does while under the influence.”
“Dude,” I laughed, “you told him that Santa was part of a big government conspiracy to promote capitalism and the commercialization of Christmas.”
“I didn’t see St. Nick selling anyone soda before.” Todd shrugged and then flipped back so that he was facing the succubi. “What do you guys think?”
“Bro, they’re demons.” I shook my head. “Christmas is, like, the opposite of what they celebrate down in Hell.”
Todd scratched the nest-like hair on his head with his human hand and then shrugged.
“Anyway, you guys never answered my question,” the imp retorted, completely unaware of the irony in his words.
“Right…” Cupi said sarcastically. “So, basically, it all comes down to what we talked about before with demons and their followers.”
“Oh yeah, that.” Todd snickered. “I totally remember everything we talked about all that time ago, but, uh, I don’t think Jakey here does. Could you give him a little refresher course?”
Cupi chuckled. “Demons need mortal followers to believe in them. One, because it feeds their massive egos. Two, because it gives them influence over the Divine’s creation, which in turn weakens their enemy. And three? Because they think it’s fun.”
“So demonic influence over mortals weakens the Divine?” I questioned the succubus.
“Right because every mortal has a soul,” the fit blonde explained. “In almost every culture and every religion, the soul is seen as the life force, the ‘battery’ of the human body.”
“The soul is the powerhouse of the body.” Todd nodded. “We learned that one in biology.”
“I don’t think-- Nevermind.” I shook my head and laughed.
“In most religions, who created the souls?” Sia quizzed.
“The Big Man upstairs.” Todd nodded.
“Precisely,” the redhead continued, “and, at least according to most religious texts, the Exalted One put a little bit of himself in everything he created.”
“It wasn’t such a problem at first when there were only a handful of people on Earth,” Cupi said as she took over the conversation once again. “But now there’s, what? Over seven billion? That’s spreading the power pretty thin.”
“With every follower Lucifer and his minions gain, the Divine’s powers are chipped away little by little,” Sia explained.
“So what, the Devil’s plan--”
“Lucifer,” Libidine corrected.
“Excuse me,” I apologized, “Lucifer’s plan is to take over the souls of all mortal men?”
“That’s more of a stretch goal.” Sia chuckled. “Even he and his minions don’t believe that will ever happen, but they’re still going to try.”
“Azazel believed it could,” Libidine added. “He thought that given time and the right exposure to the demonic, man would always prefer sin over the path of the righteous. And if they didn’t? Our former master thought that you could brute force your way into their souls through fear and intimidation.”
“It’s why he had such a massive following,” Cupi chimed in. “It’s also why he’s so dangerous.”
“So, back to Todd’s question--” I started to ask, but the blonde succubus cut me off.
“I’m getting there!” she mused. “Sheesh, and I thought I was the impatient one. Even between the Demon Kings, Demon Queens, and Lucifer himself, there are many opinions on how to influence the minds of men. Azazel thought that power and fear were the way to the gain a following. Lucifer, on the other hand, uses smooth talking and manipulation. Lilith? She’s all about desire.”
“Basically, it all comes down to the old adage of whether it is better to be loved or better to be feared,” Sia continue
d.
“Oh yeah.” Todd giggled. “We learned about that too. Ravioli or what’s his face.”
“Machiavelli,” I corrected.
“That’s what I said, Tagliatelle.” The imp nodded.
“No, Machiavelli.”
“Manicotti, got it.” Todd shot me a finger gun.
“Machiavel--”
“Bro, are you stroking out on me?” the imp asked with concern in his voice.
“I’m fine, Todd.” I sighed and then tried to get us back on track. “Well, let’s simply be glad all the demons have never stood on a united front.”
“I’ll say so,” Cupi agreed. “Personally, I think if they all banded together and tried to use brute force, they’d win over the souls of mortal men easily.”
“Cupiditas…” The madame clicked her tongue. “You of all people should know that’s not true. Fear can only get you so far. Are these people really ‘following you,’ or are they just pretending so that they can avoid punishment?”
“They’re listening either way,” the blonde argued.
“Sia is right, Cupi,” Libidine added. “Think about Earl and Azazel. We were a part of their ‘followers’ at one point. Would you say we truly believed in their mission, or that we even liked them as leaders?”
“Fuck no!” the blonde succubus spat. “I hated Earl with every fiber of my being.”
“I rest my case,” Sia said slyly.
“Pack it up, philosophers.” Todd snickered. “We just solved the age-old mystery of Manicotti.”
“So I’m assuming that means Forneus is more of a ‘wants to be loved’ type of demon?” I asked the succubi.
“Certainly,” Sia retorted, “but I’m still surprised he’s jumping through all the hoops of running for office. That takes true dedication. Then you throw in the fact that Sister Ira, a low-level succubus, claims to be the power behind the throne? The whole situation doesn’t sit right with me, Jacob.”
“You think there’s more to it than simply getting Proposition Sixty-Six passed?” I raised an eyebrow back at the redhead.
“I don’t know.” She sighed. “Azazel and his followers have never been traditionalists, but this scheme seems too out there, even for him.”
“It means that the fucker is desperate,” Cupiditas argued. “Jacob has kicked his ass back to Hell twice now. He’s like a cornered animal.”
“That’s what scares me, Cupiditas,” Sia said grimly. “The last time he was desperate and angry, he broke a centuries-old agreement between Heaven and Hell and reignited the war. There’s no telling to what lengths he’ll go to this time.”
“Eh, it’s just Azazel,” Todd scoffed. “No biggie. The dynamic duo of Todd and his sidekick Jakey will take him out if he ever shows his ugly mug again.”
“I’m actually with Todd on this one,” I half-joked. “Azazel can’t come back to Earth at full power thanks to that banishment spell, and our powers are getting stronger and stronger by the minute. If he does find a way to come back, which he won’t, we’ll beat his ass again and send him back to Hell where he belongs.”
“I get soooo turned on when you talk like that,” Cupi purred.
“A confident man is a sexy man,” Libidine added with a giggle.
“I do admire your confidence,” Superbia chuckled, “and I do think we could defeat a weakened Azazel here on Earth quite easily. Still, my role as a madame has exposed me to nearly all of Hell’s big players, and a mere General is far from the biggest threat we could be facing.”
“So you’re trying to tell me that the King of the Fourth Circle, the Father of Warfare, the demon who literally taught mankind how to kill each other and went toe-to-toe with an Archangel, isn’t a big deal?” I couldn’t believe my ears. “What could possibly be more dangerous than this asshole?”
“Well, there’s Lucifer himself,” Libidine answered for the redhead. “That’s the big one. Then there’s the Demon Kings. There are eight other circles of Hell, you know.”
“Then there’s the Demon Queens,” Cupi spoke up. “You already know about Lilith, but there’s still one Queen for every King.”
“Hold up!” Todd nearly swallowed his joint. “Azazel is hitched?”
“Yes and no.” Liby giggled. “Demon bonds are much different from those here on Earth. The Kings and Queens of Hell are certainly ‘partners’ like in your mortal marriages, but they are far from in love. And they definitely aren’t bound to a single lover.”
“So they sleep around on each other?” I asked. “That might be a way for us to win.”
“I know what you are thinking, Jacob,” the blonde succubi chuckled. “Lilith will probably not betray Lucifer, but the other Queens might be willing to make you their king. I know the three of us have.”
“And it is wonderful!” Liby giggled.
“I feel the same, my lord,” Sia purred.
“Awww, thanks girls,” I said, and my chest warmed as I smiled at the three beautiful succubi.
“Anyway,” Cupi continued, “you’ve got nine Demon Kings and Nine Demon Queens. Then you’ve got all the rest of the generals: Beelzebub, Asmodeus, Zahhak, Namtar--”
“And those are merely the high-class demons,” Sia cut the succubus off. “There're the beasts of Hell, as well. Cerberus, Leviathan, The Beasts of the Revelation, The Four Horsemen, The Great Dragon, Blemmyae…”
“Don’t forget all the creepy shit that’s living here on Earth!” Todd added. “Like those Skinwalkers and the Shadow People.”
“I almost forgot about the creatures from the other realms.” Sia laughed. “Thank you for the reminder, Todd. There are--”
“I get it.” I raised a hand to silence all four of them. “There are a lot more threats out there than just Azazel and the Seventy-Two Servants. But right now, they’re the ones that keep crossing our path, so they’re the ones we’re gonna have to deal with first. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting really sick of these fuckers.”
“You also can’t move on until you’ve banged all his succubi,” Todd added with a raised finger. “That’s the most important mission of all.”
“Yes, it is,” Libidine said with a soft sigh. “As happy as I am to be free of Earl and Azazel, I do miss our sisters.”
“It’s alright, Libidine,” Sia reassured the dark-haired succubus. “I’m confident that they will all join Jacob in due time. Then he will have tremendous power.”
“Yeah, I’m not too sure about Ira,” I mused. “She seems pretty crazy and determined to finish her mission.”
I glanced up and noticed a passing sign on the highway.
Welcome to Missouri, the Show-Me State.
“So was I, if you recall,” Sia argued. “I eventually saw the error of my ways. Give her some time. Sister Ira will soon learn that sometimes the grass is actually greener on the other side.”
“Speaking of the other side,” Todd grinned, “we’re home, bro!”
“This is your home?” Libidine asked and then happily looked out at the landscape surrounding us. “Did you live out here in the forest?”
“That would explain why Jacob likes camping.” Cupi snickered. “It’s his natural habitat.”
“It’d also explain why you two were living in such a terrible apartment when we first met,” Liby added. “You guys don’t take pride in your Earthly possessions.”
“Uh, sure,” I lied. “That’s definitely it.”
“I thought it was because we were both working shitty jobs, and I was blowing all my money on weed and occult books?” Todd rapped on his chin, deep in thought.
“That too.” I sighed. “That too, but we don’t have to worry about that anymore. Now, we can get the best hotel rooms money can buy. Speaking of which, the driver’s starting to get tired, and Missouri is about the halfway point of our trip. I was looking up some awesome resorts around Springfield--”
“Brooooo,” Todd cut me off. “Why waste the money on the hotel when we could just go stay with your parents? Ka
nsas City is right on the way.”
“I’d love to meet Jacob’s parents!” Libidine giggled happily. “They must be something special since they created an amazing guy like him.”
“Come on,” I laughed nervously, “you guys don’t wanna go to our old house in the suburbs and sleep in my old full-sized bed and listen to stories about my childhood, do you?”
“That sounds incredible,” Cupiditas gasped. “We’ve been living the high life every single day since we’ve been with you. I’d love to see you back in your natural element, back down to your nitty-gritty roots.”
“Eh, I still think the hotel would be better.” I shrugged.
“You’re not embarrassed by us, are you?” Sia asked sheepishly.
“Of course not!” I reassured the redhead. “It’s just that it’s gonna be hard to explain to my parents why I’m traveling with three super-hot demon women and an imp to the nation’s capital to murder another demon who’s posing as a congressman.”
“Nonsense, my man.” Todd slapped me playfully on the shoulder with his still-human arms. “You’re the greatest bullshitter I’ve ever met. You’ll figure something out.”
“Guys, I seriously don’t think--”
“Ja-cob’s house! Ja-cob’s house!” Todd started a slow chant.
The succubi joined in on the chant, and soon, the entire cabin of Shadow was ringing out with calls to stay at my parents’ house.
“Alright!” I finally conceded. “We can stay at my old place, but we have to be really careful not to tip my parents off about what we’re really doing. They’re pretty old-fashioned, and I think they’d freak if they knew I was dabbling in the occult.”
“I think the ‘dabbling’ was done a long time ago,” Todd cackled. “You’re balls-deep now.”
“I guess I am.” I smiled at the imp.
I turned the wheel to the right and headed toward the exit for Kansas City.
“Next stop, Jacob’s house!” I weakly laughed.
The entire car erupted in cheers as we turned onto the exit ramp, but I could feel the knot in my stomach tying tighter by the minute.
I was on my way home with three sex-crazed demons and a tiny imp by my side.