by Eric Vall
Of all the people in the world, my parents were the ones who could always see through my bullshit. It was gonna be real interesting explaining this one.
Chapter 8
Kansas City was somewhat northwest of our trajectory, about two hours’ drive from where we had crossed over into Missouri. As I drove Shadow down the interstate, eventually I saw the familiar skyline of K.C.
It wasn’t as glamorous as New York or Los Angeles. Hell, it wasn’t even as iconic as some place like Denver or Fort Worth. The largest building in the whole city was only a little over six-hundred feet tall, and there were only a handful of structures that could technically be considered skyscrapers. Not more than a few miles from the outskirts of the metropolitan area laid a bunch of farm land, which only helped give the city a more midwestern feel.
This place may have been given the nickname of “Cowtown,” but it was my home, and a part of me was happy to be back.
“When was the last time you were home, Jacob?” Libidine asked excitedly from the backseat.
I thought long and hard about the succubus’ question. “Probably last year, around the holidays.”
“That long?” The curvy woman sounded surprised.
“It’s a twelve-hour drive,” I explained to my friends, “or a three-hundred-dollar plane ticket. We were both afraid Lola couldn’t make it that far, and neither of us could afford to buy two round-trip tickets.”
“The modern life of the mortal man fucking sucks, dudettes.” Todd shook his head and frowned. “It’s all work, work, work. Bills, bills, bills. That’s why I didn’t hesitate to have Cupi take all my Earthly responsibilities away and give me this smokin’ hot imp bod.”
“He didn’t even wait for me to introduce myself.” The blonde succubus laughed.
The tiny imp kicked back the seat of Shadow slightly and took another deep puff of his joint. “Even with the revelation that Heaven and Hell are real, I still wonder. Is that all man was put on Earth to do?” He pondered. “Or is that merely a social construct of our capitalist society?”
“Oh God.” I laughed. “Todd’s getting philosophical. Somebody take that weed away from him.”
“I’m telling you, bro,” the imp protested, “you should be writing down all the shit I say when I’m high. Type it up, publish it, and it’ll sell like a condom at an orgy after somebody yells, ‘Chlamydia!’”
“That’s… That’s an odd analogy,” Sia mused.
“But it’s clever, isn’t it?” The imp giggled. “Blame the weed. It makes me a million times smarter. A book of ‘Toddisms’ would make so much money that we wouldn’t even need to own the strip joint anymore.”
“Speaking of which,” I said as I looked back at Sia in the rearview mirror, “how’s the Velvet Lips doing, Ms. Manager?”
“The last time I spoke to Oliver, he said that the residuals from our battle were all cleaned up, but they were still looking for dancers,” the redhead explained. “He graciously offered to act as the hiring manager for the auditions next week.”
“That dude’s, like, a thousand years old.” Todd shuddered. “His battle station definitely isn’t fully operational, if you get my drift. I hope he brought a lot of little blue pills along.”
“I’m still surprised Oliver handed over the reins of this mission to Jane so willingly,” I pondered. “He kinda comes across as a tightwad control freak.”
“But not too many, that can cause a heart attack,” the imp continued with his original thought as if I hadn’t said a word. “Then again, the dude might have a heart attack just by having a bunch of sexy titties bouncing around in his face.”
“The Cult of Azazel was prone to orgies before they switched masters,” Sia chimed in. “I’m sure he will do fine.”
“Seriously, Jakey,” Todd was now in full-on baked mode, “why did you have to ban the one place where an imp can fuck a human and nobody bats an eye?”
“I never banned--”
“So, it’s okay when your dick is acting as a lightning rod for a demon’s Hellfire powers, but not cool when it’s a bunch of mortals doing it for fun. Got it.”
“It’s not-- The most I’ve ever been with at once is two!” I argued. “It’s completely different.”
“That’s going to change soon, though,” Cupi whispered into my ear.
“Ohhh.” I felt my face flush, and my heart began to pound faster in my chest.
“It has to!” The blonde giggled. “Your powers aren’t going to get any stronger until it does, or until you add a new succubus to our group.”
“And if Sister Ira is as stubborn as we all know she is,” Liby added, “that could take quite a while.”
“I rest my case.” Todd giggled. “Bring back the cult orgies, bro.”
“They never left.” I rolled my eyes. “I simply told them not to do it when I was around. Have you seen most of my followers? Like, eighty percent of them are over the age of sixty.”
“That’s a lot of droopage.” Todd’s face contorted into a look of disgust. “On second thought, maybe I’ll keep saving myself for the perfect woman.”
“I’d say that ‘the perfect woman’ doesn’t exist, but I’ve already met three of them.” I smiled in the rearview mirror.
“Noooooooo,” Todd hissed. “Bro, that’s the corniest thing I’ve ever seen, and we drove through Nebraska for a full day.”
“Did it work?” I chuckled.
“You’ve already wooed us, Jacob,” Sia giggled, “but it’s always nice to hear flattery. You may have just earned something special next time we make love.”
“Uh oh,” Libidine cooed. “That ‘thing’ is supposedly so legendary. I’d love to see it.”
“Why’d you put the child-proof locks on these doors?” Todd demanded in a panic as he tugged at the handle.
I shook my head, laughed, and then pointed at the sign on the highway ahead. “We’re almost to my parent’s place. When we get there, can we not talk about orgies and special sexual favors? Please?”
“We’ll do our best, but no promises.” Liby chuckled.
“You’ll get no such promise from the Toddster,” the imp in the passenger seat said with a shake of the head. “The pores on my mental filter are wider than a porn star’s assho--”
“Todd!” I cut him off. “You’re not really going to be saying anything. At least, not unless you’ve figured out how to control your transformation powers yet.”
The imp’s arms had returned to normal, probably thanks to the relaxing powers of the ridiculous amount of pot he’d smoked.
I could explain to my parents why I was traveling with three beautiful women, but a three-foot tall, cloven-footed imp who also was my childhood best friend? Probably not.
“What do you mean, bro?” Todd asked. “Your parents love me. Especially your MILF of a mom.”
“I’m unlocking those child-proof locks for you now,” I half-joked. “But seriously, you’re gonna have to go incognito for this one. There’s not an excuse in the world I can think of to describe why my best friend is now a tiny demon.”
“There are, like, a million reasons I can think of,” Todd protested.
“Like?” I tried to call him out.
The tiny imp turned his head and stared at me as he tried to think of a clever answer. His eyes were completely bloodshot, and his mouth hung agape as if he were in a trance. Todd sat there in silence for a solid minute before he finally shook his head.
“You got me beat.” He sighed. “It’s a shame, too. This was finally gonna be the time where I sealed the deal. Get your dad out of the house… Pour a couple of glasses of red wine… Put on some Marvin Gaye…”
I outstretched my hand and engulfed Todd with a blast of green Hellfire. Before he could say another word, I made the imp disappear.
Todd’s tiny frame reappeared on the hood of Shadow. His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull when he realized he was on the outside of our vehicle traveling at seventy miles-per-hour. Though I couldn’t
hear it over the sound of the radio, Todd’s mouth opened wide in a horrified scream.
I only left him out there for a few seconds, and then I used another spell of jade flames to bring him back into the car.
Todd put his hand over his heart, let out a huge sigh of relief, and then leaned back in his seat.
“Gonna stop talking about my mom?” I asked as I raised an eyebrow.
“Point taken,” he panted.
“You were never in any real danger.” Libidine chuckled. “Jacob was holding you in his spell the entire time.”
“Tell that to my empty bladder,” the imp sneered. “I hope Shadow needed a wash.”
“Well, she does now,” I joked.
“Was that completely necessary, Jacob?” Sia asked from behind. “Todd was just being humorous.”
“Jakey always gets mad when I talk about his mom being a--” Todd started, but then I shot him a dirty look. “I mean, yes, it was totally necessary. I’ve completely learned my lesson, and I won’t talk about how hot his mom is ever again.”
“Good.” I nodded. “Because we’re literally a few minutes away, and we’re gonna have to put on our best acting faces for the night.”
“Only a night?” Libidine said in a disappointed tone. “We’re not on a time crunch or anything. Can’t we stay longer?”
“As much as I enjoy spending time with my parents, I don’t think we can keep up this charade for that long,” I explained. “Seriously, do you think Todd can remain invisible and near-silent for a week? Do you think I won’t slip up and spill the beans at some point?”
“Jacob’s right,” Sia agreed. “Statistically, the longer a lie goes on, the harder it is to keep hidden. Though I’m still not sure I understand why we have to hide in the first place.”
“Because,” I retorted, “in my experience, mortals don’t really handle the whole ‘there’s a demon in my presence’ thing too well. Not to mention, my parents are kinda old-school and traditional when it comes to things like religion and social norms like only dating one girl at a time. They would freak the fuck out if they find out everything we’ve been doing in the last few months.”
“So you’re worried about your parents getting mad at you?” Cupiditas was unconvinced.
“I’m a demon slayer with badass Hellfire powers,” I told her. “I’m not afraid of what they’ll say, I’m afraid of what they’ll do. They might go to the police or their priest or something. Then word spreads quickly, and suddenly all our enemies know about Jacob Ralston’s parents.”
“No bueno,” Todd agreed. “That’s like, supervillain tactic number one: Going after the loved ones.”
“Exactly.” I nodded as we pulled off onto my parents’ road. “The less they know, the safer they are. Promise you’ll all do your best not to say anything?”
“We promise,” Sia spoke up from the backseat. “The last thing we want is to drag more innocent mortals into this conflict, especially ones that mean so much to you.”
“I’ll be like the wind.” Todd giggled. “Silent, but deadly.”
“I appreciate it, guys,” I said sincerely. “You really are the best friends a guy could ask for.”
“When I’m not making jokes about your mom,” Todd said with a raised finger.
“Yeah, there is that.” I chuckled. “Sorry I teleported you out the window of our moving vehicle. That may have been a teensy tiny overreaction.”
“No harm, no foul.” Todd shrugged. “I knew you weren’t gonna actually hurt me. Who would be our resident rascal if I was gone? Could you imagine Star Wars without Han Solo?”
“Well, Sister Ira is pretty crazy,” Cupi suggested. “She’s not as witty as you are, but some of the stuff she says is batshit insane. It was always good for a laugh.”
“The Toddster cannot be replaced.” I shook my head. “He’s one of a kind.”
As the words left my mouth, I turned into the smoothly paved driveway of my parents’ house.
There it was. My childhood home.
The two-story, white and red house was built in the early sixties, but my parents renovated it when I was just a small boy. It hadn’t changed too much since I lived here. The shutters were still the shade of crimson that my mom always thought was ugly, but Dad never bothered to repaint. He had, however, got around to replacing the shingles on the roof, but only after one literally fell off and put a massive dent in their minivan when I was fifteen.
“It’s weird being back at this place,” Todd observed. “You may have been here last Christmas, but I don’t think I’ve been at your place since… high school, at least?”
“Yep,” I confirmed. “Back in the day when our biggest worries were who could ‘pwn the most noobs’ and who was going to pay for the pizza that week.”
“Bro, those are still top priorities for moi,” the imp corrected me as he turned invisible.
I killed Shadow’s ignition, sighed, and then got out of the Jeep. I opened the back door for the succubi, and the girls each slid out of the vehicle onto the sleek pavement of the driveway.
“So this is your childhood home?” Cupi said as she took in the sight. “Believe it or not, even though I’ve known you for months, I didn’t have the slightest image in my brain of what it’d look like.”
“Me too.” Libidine shrugged. “We’ve been alive for so long that I’ve started to kinda stop viewing time as a linear object. It never even crossed my mind that you had a whole past before you summoned us.”
“I did,” I shrugged, “but now that I’ve met you guys, I never want to go back to it.”
We finally arrived at the small green door at the front of the house.
“Are we ready for this?” I asked the group.
“As ready as we ever can be.” Cupi nodded.
I reached up, balled my hand into a fist, and then rapped three times on the door.
There was silence from the other side, and my whole body felt like it was being overtaken with anxiety as we waited for somebody to answer.
“Maybe nobody’s home?” Sia asked.
“No, that’s their car in the driveway.” I pointed to the silver minivan with the tiny dent in the hood. “They’re definitely here. They’re probably just not expecting company.”
“Maybe we’re interrupting sexy time?” Todd’s disembodied voice suggested.
“Do you want to go on the roof this time?” I asked playfully. “I’ll--”
Before I could finish my sentence, I was interrupted by the sound of the locking mechanism of the door.
There was a loud creak as the green door swung open to reveal my dad, in all his glory.
Dad was wearing a red and white flannel shirt with baggy bootcut jeans. Upon his button nose sat a pair of large coke-bottle glasses with rims so thin that they looked like there were none at all, and his balding head shone in the afternoon sun. My dad was tall and lanky like me, but the pouch-like state of his belly told us that he hadn’t been exercising as much as he should have.
When he saw us, he did a double take, rubbed his eyes, and then stared in disbelief.
“Jacob?” He grinned. “What are you doing home?”
“Hi, dad.” I smiled and went in for the hug.
“And who are these three?” he asked as he glanced over at the succubi.
“They’re friends from school,” I lied. “We’re carpooling on our way to a school trip. I thought maybe we could all stay the night?”
“Any friend of Jacob’s is welcome in our home, anytime!” Dad proclaimed before he called over his shoulder. “Honey, you’ll never guess who’s here!”
“Who is it?” I heard my mother’s voice call out from somewhere inside the house.
“I’ll bring him to you!” Dad chuckled as he wrapped me with a brief embrace, and then smiled at the girls and me. “Well, don’t stand outside in the cold, come on in.”
“It’s the middle of the afternoon,” I heard Todd’s voice snicker as we entered the house. “Good ol’ Mr. Ralston
.”
We passed through the main hallway of the house, past the closet where I’d always hung my coats as a child, past the markings on the kitchen doorway with the lines indicating how tall my brother and I had grown, and past the dinner table where the four of us had spent almost every night together. The carpeted floor of the old dwelling creaked underneath our feet a few times as we walked, and I also noticed that some of the wallpaper in the kitchen was peeling.
Once we were through the kitchen and dining areas, we entered into the small but comfy family room that I was so familiar with. There, on the large gold-and-black reclining couch, sat my mother.
She was sitting there in a green pullover sweater and a pair of pajama bottoms, with her brown hair hanging down over her shoulders and her legs propped up in the reclining position. When she saw us enter the room, her eyes lit up like diamonds, and she leapt out of the chair to come and meet us.
“Jacob!” Her voice was filled to the brim with joy, and a second later I found myself in a tight bear-hug. “This is a great surprise!”
“I’m glad to see you too, Mom,” I grunted through the powerful embrace.
She finally let me go, and I had to take a second to recapture my breath.
And I thought Azazel’s grip was strong.
“And who are these three gorgeous ladies?” Mom walked over and gave each of the succubi a hug as if they were her own children.
“They’re friends from school,” I lied.
“What are you doing back in Kansas City?” my dad asked. “I thought you were too busy with school and work and keeping Todd in line to make it back here?”
“Well,” I explained, “the girls and I are doing some traveling. One of my political science classes offered us an all-expenses-paid trip to Washington, D.C. as long as we provided for the travel costs. Hence, me and a couple of my buddies decided to carpool and split the cost. We were passing through, and I figured we could stop by and visit for a while before we continue on.”
“That’s marvelous!” Mom jumped up and down happily. “You know how happy it makes us when you come home.”
“We had no idea who pulled in.” Dad shook his head. “We didn’t recognize the black Jeep. Is that your car?”