Player

by Sean Ashcroft

  Julian definitely heard, though, judging by the way he gasped. He surged forward, crushing his lips against Isaac’s, still panting harshly for breath.

  “Always loved you,” he said in response, the words hardly more than an exhale.

  Their warmth trickled directly down to Isaac’s heart anyway, making it glow in his chest like the embers of a campfire.

  He believed it, too. That Julian had loved him for a long time, even though Isaac probably didn’t deserve him.

  He’d work on deserving him. As long as he got to keep him.

  “Bed?” he offered.

  “Bed,” Julian agreed, climbing off him and extending a hand.

  Right now, Isaac would have followed him anywhere.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “Hey, you’re Julian, right?”

  Julian turned around to see a pretty brunette approaching him, her broad smile showing off a line of perfectly straight teeth.

  He wasn’t sure what it was about the way she smiled that unnerved him, but he was on edge immediately. Maybe because she knew his name, and he had no idea who she was.

  “I, uh… yeah,” Julian responded, giving himself a moment to catch up. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure if we-”

  “I’m one of Isaac’s long line of ex-girlfriends,” she said. Julian’s stomach sank.

  Isaac had told him last night that one of his exes was at the tournament, but that he didn’t really want to talk about it. Now, Julian wished he’d pressed a little more.

  He did know it was the same one who’d confronted him last week and upset him so much. Julian wasn’t inclined to even bother playing nice with someone like that.

  “Adriana, right?” he said after scouring his brain for her name. The look in her eyes told him he’d gotten it right, which was nothing short of a minor miracle.

  “Yeah, I’ve heard enough about you to know that I don’t wanna talk to you. Good luck with the rest of the tournament,” Julian said, turning to leave.

  “Wait,” she said, putting a hand on Julian’s arm.

  Julian froze, the grip too strong for him to simply slip out of it. His instinct was to avoid hurting a woman, even if she was the one who’d grabbed him, so he didn’t want to force her to let go.

  “You don’t really believe he’s just… suddenly bi, do you?” she asked. “And that he’s been saving himself all this time for his frumpy little friend?”

  A lump formed in Julian’s throat.

  If there was any thought that could have gotten more to the core of his deepest insecurities about his relationship with Isaac, he hadn’t come across it yet.

  “He is bi,” Julian said, because he believed that. He had to believe it, he owed that much to Isaac. Besides, straight men tended to have a lot less sex with other men than Isaac had over the past week.

  So. Julian wasn’t unsure about that part, not really.

  The part he’d been struggling with the entire time was believing that Isaac might want him, when everyone else he’d ever been with was… stunningly beautiful.

  Even if he immediately didn’t like Adriana, Julian couldn’t pretend she wasn’t gorgeous. He didn’t even have to be attracted to women to know that she was cover-model beautiful.

  Like all Isaac’s other girlfriends. Because he could have whoever he wanted.

  “This is a publicity stunt,” Adriana responded. “Come on, you don’t think he’s not loving the attention? Salivating over the prospect of how many girls would appreciate an open-minded guy? Of advertising opportunities with brands who want to look diverse and accepting?”

  “It’s not like that,” Julian objected. It might have started that way, but…

  There was something between them now. It was real.

  Wasn’t it?

  The doubts he’d had in the beginning started creeping back up Julian’s spine, sending a shiver down it in their wake. What if…

  “Oh, the look on your face,” Adriana said, her voice suddenly soft and sympathetic. “He’s letting you think there’s a real connection between you. Have you had sex?”

  Julian’s eyes widened. He didn’t plan on answering, but he knew that the look on his face gave enough of an answer.

  “Right, of course, he’s still Isaac. He’s never cared who he got off with before, as long as he got off.” Adriana shrugged. “I’m sorry. But if it helps, you’re not the first. I bet he even set up one of those quirky just-for-you dates, huh? One that was so special.”

  Julian swallowed. He remembered Isaac standing in his living room with a box of Lego, grinning at him, telling him that he’d wanted to do something special.

  But that had been… it had been such a nice thing, and it had been just between them, something from their shared past.

  How did she know?

  “He did,” she said. “Wow, guess some things never change.”

  “It’s not like that,” Julian responded, unsure who he was trying to convince anymore.

  “Hey, I get it. He’s charming, he’s easy to fall for. And you guys have history, right?”

  Julian nodded automatically, regretting it the moment he did. The last thing he wanted was to prolong this conversation. He wanted to run to Isaac and…

  And…

  Crap.

  He wanted to ask. About this.

  Because some part of him was starting to genuinely doubt his best friend, and all it’d taken was a few key details.

  Guilt and anxiety swirled in his gut, making him feel sick. He wanted to cry, or scream, or… anything, anything to distract himself from the way his head was spinning.

  “I wasn’t sure about playing this for you, but… I saved a clip of a voicemail he left me,” Adriana said. “One begging me to come back to him when this was all over.”

  Julian swallowed. She couldn’t possibly have anything like that, could she? This was a bluff. She was hoping he’d say he didn’t want to hear it, that he’d just believe her to protect himself.

  No. Doubts aside, he didn’t believe Isaac would do that. That was too much.

  “Play it,” Julian demanded, intending to catch her out and put his mind at ease.

  Adriana took her phone out, tapping on it a few times, turning the volume up, and then tapping again.

  “Gonna dump Julian the minute the tournament’s over,” Isaac’s voice said through the phone speaker.

  Julian’s stomach went cold. The voice was a little distorted, but phones did that, and… he’d said Julian’s name. It couldn’t just be someone who sounded like him, or an old recording, or…

  Tears pricked at Julian’s eyes, but he didn’t plan on shedding any of them. He couldn’t, not in front Adriana.

  He still didn’t trust her, but… it was hard to deny what he’d just heard.

  Harder still to deny the panic rising in his chest, the fear that what she was saying was true, that Julian really was playing him.

  “He doesn’t love anyone but himself,” she said. “I’m sorry.”

  Julian’s head was spinning. He wanted…

  He wanted Isaac. To talk to him, to beg him to tell him it wasn’t true, that the soft I love you they’d exchanged last night was real, and not just to keep him on-side through the rest of the tournament.

  Not just insurance against this happening, maybe? If Adriana was telling the truth, maybe she’d told Isaac that she planned on telling Julian what he’d said.

  Isaac wouldn’t do that, would he?

  For the first time, Julian wasn’t sure. He couldn’t handle the thought that Isaac might hurt him like that. That he might be capable of hurting him like that. Isaac was his best friend.

  Wasn’t he?

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  When Isaac’s mom told him that Julian hadn’t shown up for his last two matches of the day, he started to worry. Was Julian okay? Where had he gotten to, and why hadn’t he told anyone if he was leaving?

  Isaac had just taken out his phone to text him when he spotted a shadowy figure lur
king in a dark corner. A familiar shadowy figure. Breathing a sigh of relief, Isaac went over to check on him.

  “Isaac,” Julian said softly, an unreadable expression on his face that made Isaac pause in his steps.

  “Everything okay?” Isaac asked. “Mom said you disappeared.”

  “I…” Julian swallowed audibly, the sound lodging itself in Isaac’s heart like a sharp-edged stone. Whatever this was, it wasn’t good.

  “Talk to me,” Isaac prodded. Whatever it was, they could tackle it together.

  “Why did you lie to me?” Julian asked, his voice cracking.

  Isaac’s heart raced. Lie to him? He’d never… at least, he couldn’t remember…

  “I knew this was temporary in the beginning and I was okay with that,” Julian said. “But then you were so sweet and you made me feel like it was just us, like it meant something, but… if you were going to break up with me the whole time, why do that?”

  “Break up with you?” Isaac asked, feeling as though he was a half-dozen steps behind Julian and flailing to catch up. “I’m not gonna-”

  “I heard you,” Julian interrupted sharply. “I heard a recording of you saying you were gonna break up with me after the tournament.”

  “From Adriana?” Isaac asked, his brain replaying their last encounter for him almost immediately. He’d had a bad feeling about it then, and he’d been waiting for it to come back and bite him since.

  He just hadn’t expected it to be this fast.

  Julian nodded, looking at him as though that confirmed everything.

  “She played you a recording of me saying something like ‘gonna break up with him after the tournament,’ right?” He couldn’t remember his exact words, but he remembered being goaded into saying so.

  The look on Julian’s face was enough to break Isaac’s heart, but the fact that Julian had believed her… that hurt, too.

  Shit, that was like a slap in the face. Julian had seen how much Adriana had hurt him. Why would he suddenly confide in her?

  “Then she didn’t play you the I’m not at the beginning,” Isaac said. “Come on, man. You can’t tell me you believed her.”

  Indecision flashed over Julian’s face.

  It felt more or less like Isaac imagined being stabbed in the chest would.

  Julian was supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt. Julian was supposed to be his best friend, the one person he could rely on. And he’d heard from one jealous ex-girlfriend and now he was taking her side?

  Shock and anger bubbled up in Isaac’s gut. He’d trusted Julian. Trusted him with his secrets, with his heart, and this…

  It hurt.

  “She made several compelling arguments. Do you take everyone on special little dates?” Julian asked.

  “Am I in trouble for being a good boyfriend, now? Of course I do. What the hell does that mean?”

  Julian opened his mouth to respond, but it was too late. Panic rose in Isaac’s throat, the overwhelming sense of grief at not even being able to rely on his childhood best friend making his pain overflow.

  Everyone else treated him like he was an asshole, but this was the first time Julian had done it.

  “You believed her over me,” Isaac said. “After you saw me in tears when she got mad at me over you. You listened to her lies about me and you didn’t even ask me for my side of the story first. I trusted you. I…”

  I love you, Isaac didn’t say. The sense of betrayal was too raw right now, too fresh.

  He did love Julian. He loved him with all his heart.

  But he’d never expected this. Not in a million years. Julian was smarter than this, loyaler. Always had been.

  At least, Isaac had always thought he was.

  “It’s not fair,” he added when Julian didn’t immediately respond. “You’re supposed to be on my side. You’re supposed to be my best friend. I deserve more than this from you.”

  Julian swallowed again. “Congratulations on winning,” he said, his voice thick and rough. “I watched on my phone.”

  Isaac didn’t know what to say to that. It felt sickeningly like a goodbye.

  Gut churning, he turned on his heel, taking two steps away before a pang of regret hit him.

  He’d been too harsh with Julian. He’d let his surprise and his anger at Adriana get the better of him, attacked the wrong target.

  Taking a deep breath, he turned back.

  Silent tears rolled down Julian’s cheeks.

  “You never wanted me before,” Julian said, his voice so soft Isaac had to strain to hear it. “Why would I believe you want me now?”

  “I did want you before,” Isaac said. “I just… I didn’t know how I felt. I didn’t know what I felt. I didn’t understand.”

  Julian sniffed, wiping tears away from his eyes forcefully. “You’re the one who walked away,” he said, an edge to his tone this time. “You were my best friend, and I loved you so much it hurt, and you just… walked out of my life one day. Got too busy with your own. And then you were back and I was so excited to talk to you again that I ignored that, never once mentioned it, but… you were back because you wanted something.”

  Isaac’s stomach knotted up.

  Julian wasn’t wrong.

  He hadn’t intended it to be like that. He’d seen an opportunity to reconnect with someone he regretted drifting away from, someone he’d never stopped thinking about.

  But he’d had time to do that before, and he hadn’t.

  In hindsight, he could see it was because he still hadn’t figured out his feelings around Julian. He could see what had pushed him away, when their lives had split off on different paths. Why he hadn’t done more than sent Christmas and birthday cards, and not always.

  “So forgive me for not being entirely sure of your motives,” Julian said.

  “Jules,” Isaac whispered, regretting the nickname the moment he said it when Julian glared at him.

  “I believe you,” Julian said. “For the record. But I deserve more, too.”

  He did. He did, and Isaac had just been the monumental asshole everyone said he was.

  Adriana might not have managed to break them up with her cliché little plan, but Isaac might have just done the work for her anyway.

  “I’m sorry,” Isaac said, unable to put everything he wanted to say into words. He could see he’d hurt Julian, and that Julian had been putting up with a lot of crap from him lately.

  From his perspective, he must have felt pretty used.

  And that was all Isaac’s fault. He hadn’t meant it like that, but he had a way of coming off as selfish when he was just… an idiot. He wouldn’t have intentionally hurt Julian for anything. Not for the world.

  “Yeah, but what are you sorry for?” Julian asked.

  Isaac wasn’t sure how to answer that. His head was spinning, his stomach aching.

  Everything was going to hell and he didn’t know how to stop it.

  Julian sighed heavily, pushing away from the wall he’d been leaning against. “I need some space,” he said. “I’ll see you at the charity dinner tonight, as promised.”

  “Thank you,” Isaac said softly. He’d been wrong.

  He didn’t deserve better. He didn’t deserve Julian at all, and he might have just lost him forever.

  Julian walked away, his footsteps echoing in the mostly-empty arena. Isaac watched his back, his heart sinking all the way down to his gut.

  He had to fix this. He’d just realized he was in love with his best friend, he couldn’t lose him now.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Though he’d promised Isaac that he’d attend the charity dinner after the tournament as promised, Julian found himself hovering outside, unwilling to go in. His stomach had been in knots all day, guilt at not believing Isaac and fear that he’d lost Isaac’s trust sitting heavy.

  He didn’t want to lose Isaac, though he was afraid he already had. He should have just trusted him, and he hated that he hadn’t been able to.

  Dou
bt had gotten the better of him, and it might have meant he’d lost the most important person in his life.

  On the other hand, Isaac had been unfair to him. He’d had good reason to be insecure, and instead of seeing that and acknowledging that he’d made a mistake, he’d thrown Julian’s insecurity in his face.

  It was a mess, and Julian wasn’t sure how they were going to fix it. Or if he even had the strength to.

  “Julian,” Mrs. Hudson’s familiar voice rang out, making Julian turn around automatically. “I missed you earlier today.”

  Julian wet his lips, unsure how to tell Mrs. Hudson what had happened. Or if he should tell her at all.

  Why hadn’t Isaac told her?

  “Are you okay, honey?” she asked, apparently seeing the indecision on Julian’s face.

  Julian sighed as though the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders, still not sure what to say.

  “That’s the exact sound Isaac made when I asked about you,” Mrs. Hudson said.

  That made Julian look up, searching Mrs. Hudson’s eyes, the faintest hope that maybe he hadn’t lost Isaac welling up in his chest.

  “You boys had a fight, huh?” she asked softly.

  Julian’s heart sank again. If it was that obvious, Isaac was probably still mad.

  “I don’t know what it was about,” she continued before Julian could confirm her suspicions. “And I don’t need to. Because I do know you’re always happier when you make up.”

  Every fiber of Julian’s being wanted to believe that, but… maybe he and Isaac had told each other some home truths that needed telling, and maybe they weren’t going to get past that.

  Julian had been too insecure to trust that Isaac wasn’t just using him. He knew better now, knew by Isaac’s reaction that everything he’d felt and said had been real, but…

  That hurt had been deep. And so had Julian’s answering one, Isaac’s flat refusal to accept his mistake still burning in the pit of his stomach.

  “Yeah, I guess,” he said, not wanting to have to discuss this with Isaac’s mother. She loved them both. He didn’t want to have to say anything bad about her son to her, unless it was in the vaguest terms.