Miss Mapp

by E. F. Benson

  CHAPTER IX

  Captain Puffin found but a sombre diarist when he came over to study hisRoman roads with Major Flint that evening, and indeed he was a sombreantiquarian himself. They had pondered a good deal during the day overtheir strange reception in the High Street that morning and therecondite allusions to bags, sand-dunes and early trains, and the morethey pondered the more probable it became that not only was somethingup, but, as regards the duel, everything was up. For weeks now they hadbeen regarded by the ladies of Tilling with something approachingveneration, but there seemed singularly little veneration at the back ofthe comments this morning. Following so closely on the encounter withMiss Mapp last night, this irreverent attitude was probably due to someatheistical manoeuvre of hers. Such, at least, was the Major's view, andwhen he held a view he usually stated it, did Sporting Benjy.

  "We've got you to thank for this, Puffin," he said. "Upon my soul, I wasashamed of you for saying what you did to Miss Mapp last night. Utterabsence of any chivalrous feeling hinting that if she said you weredrunk you would say she was. She was as sober and lucid last night asshe was this morning. And she was devilish lucid, to my mind, thismorning."

  "Pity you didn't take her part last night," said Puffin. "You thoughtthat was a very ingenious idea of mine to make her hold her tongue."

  "There are finer things in this world, sir, than ingenuity," said theMajor. "What your ingenuity has led to is this public ridicule. You maynot mind that yourself--you may be used to it--but a man should regardthe consequences of his act on others.... My status in Tilling iscompletely changed. Changed for the worse, sir."

  Puffin emitted his fluty, disagreeable laugh.

  "If your status in Tilling depended on a reputation for bloodthirstybravery," he said, "the sooner it was changed the better. We're in thesame boat: I don't say I like the boat, but there we are. Have a drink,and you'll feel better. Never mind your status."

  "I've a good mind never to have a drink again," said the Major, pouringhimself out one of his stiff little glasses, "if a drink leads to thissort of thing."

  "But it didn't," said Puffin. "How it all got out, I can't say, nor forthat matter can you. If it hadn't been for me last night, it would havebeen all over Tilling that you and I were tipsy as well. That wouldn'thave improved our status that I can see."

  "It was in consequence of what you said to Mapp----" began the Major.

  "But, good Lord, where's the connection?" asked Puffin. "Produce theconnection! Let's have a look at the connection! There ain't anyconnection! Duelling wasn't as much as mentioned last night."

  Major Flint pondered this in gloomy, sipping silence.

  "Bridge-party at Mrs. Poppit's the day after to-morrow," he said. "Idon't feel as if I could face it. Suppose they all go on makingallusions to duelling and early trains and that? I shan't be able tokeep my mind on the cards for fear of it. More than a sensitive manought to be asked to bear."

  Puffin made a noise that sounded rather like "Fudge!"

  "Your pardon?" said the Major haughtily.

  "Granted by all means," said Puffin. "But I don't see what you're insuch a taking about. We're no worse off than we were before we got areputation for being such fire-eaters. Being fire-eaters is a wash-out,that's all. Pleasant while it lasted, and now we're as we were."

  "But we're not," said the Major. "We're detected frauds! That's not thesame as being a fraud; far from it. And who's going to rub it in, myfriend? Who's been rubbing away for all she's worth? Miss Mapp, to whom,if I may say so without offence, you behaved like a cur last night."

  "And another cur stood by and wagged his tail," retorted Puffin.

  This was about as far as it was safe to go, and Puffin hastened to saysomething pleasant about the hearthrug, to which his friend had asuitable rejoinder. But after the affair last night, and the darksayings in the High Street this morning, there was little content orcosiness about the session. Puffin's brazen optimism was but a tinklingcymbal, and the Major did not feel like tinkling at all. He but snortedand glowered, revolving in his mind how to square Miss Mapp. Allied withher, if she could but be won over, he felt he could face the rest ofTilling with indifference, for hers would be the most penetratingshafts, the most stinging pleasantries. He had more too, so hereflected, to lose than Puffin, for till the affair of the duel theother had never been credited with deeds of bloodthirsty gallantry,whereas he had enjoyed no end of a reputation in amorous and honourableaffairs. Marriage no doubt would settle it satisfactorily, but thisbachelor life, with plenty of golf and diaries, was not to be lightlyexchanged for the unknown. Short of that ...

  A light broke, and he got to his feet, following the gleam and walkingvery lame out of general discomfiture.

  "Tell you what it is, Puffin," he said. "You and I, particularly you,owe that estimable lady a very profound apology for what happened lastnight. You ought to withdraw every word you said, and I every word thatI didn't say."

  "Can't be done," said Puffin. "That would be giving up my hold over yourlady friend. We should be known as drunkards all over the shop beforeyou could say winkie. Worse off than before."

  "Not a bit of it. If it's Miss Mapp, and I'm sure it is, who has beenspreading these--these damaging rumours about our duel, it's becauseshe's outraged and offended, quite rightly, at your conduct to her lastnight. Mine, too, if you like. Ample apology, sir, that's the ticket."

  "Dog-ticket," said Puffin. "No thanks."

  "Very objectionable expression," said Major Flint. "But you shall do asyou like. And so, with your permission, shall I. I shall apologize formy share in that sorry performance, in which, thank God, I only played aminor role. That's my view, and if you don't like it, you may dislikeit."

  Puffin yawned.

  "Mapp's a cat," he said. "Stroke a cat and you'll get scratched. Shy abrick at a cat, and she'll spit at you and skedaddle. You're poorcompany to-night, Major, with all these qualms."

  "Then, sir, you can relieve yourself of my company," said the Major, "bygoing home."

  "Just what I was about to do. Good night, old boy. Same time to-morrowfor the tram, if you're not too badly mauled."

  Miss Mapp, sitting by the hot-water pipes in the garden-room, looked outnot long after to see what the night was like. Though it was not yethalf-past ten the cowards' sitting-rooms were both dark, and shewondered what precisely that meant. There was no bridge-party anywherethat night, and apparently there were no diaries or Roman roads either.Why this sober and chastened darkness?...

  The Major qui-hied for his breakfast at an unusually early hour nextmorning, for the courage of this resolve to placate, if possible, thehostility of Miss Mapp had not, like that of the challenge, oozed outduring the night. He had dressed himself in his frock-coat, seen last onthe occasion when the Prince of Wales proved not to have come by the6.37, and no female breast however furious could fail to recognize thecompliment of such a formality. Dressed thus, with top-hat andpatent-leather boots, he was clearly observed from the garden-room toemerge into the street just when Captain Puffin's hand thrust the spongeon to the window-sill of his bath-room. Probably he too had observedthis apparition, for his fingers prematurely loosed hold of the sponge,and it bounded into the street. Wild surmises flashed into Miss Mapp'sactive brain, the most likely of which was that Major Benjy was going topropose to Mrs. Poppit, for if he had been going up to London for someceremonial occasion, he would be walking down the street instead of upit. And then she saw his agitated finger press the electric bell of herown door. So he was not on his way to propose to Mrs. Poppit....

  She slid from the room and hurried across the few steps of garden tothe house just in time to intercept Withers though not with any idea ofsaying that she was out. Then Withers, according to instructions, waitedtill Miss Mapp had tiptoed upstairs, and conducted the Major to thegarden-room, promising that she would "tell" her mistress. This wasunnecessary, as her mistress knew. The Major pressed a half-crown intoher astonished hand, thinking it was a florin. He couldn't pre
ciselyaccount for that impulse, but general propitiation was at the bottom ofit.

  Miss Mapp meantime had sat down on her bed, and firmly rejected the ideathat his call had anything to do with marriage. During all these yearsof friendliness he had not got so far as that, and, whatever the futuremight hold, it was not likely that he would begin now at this momentwhen she was so properly punishing him for his unchivalrous behaviour.But what could the frock-coat mean? (There was Captain Puffin's servantpicking up the sponge. She hoped it was covered with mud.) It would be avery just continuation of his punishment to tell Withers she would notsee him, but the punishment which that would entail on herself would bemore than she could bear, for she would not know a moment's peace whileshe was ignorant of the nature of his errand. Could he be on his way tothe Padre's to challenge him for that very stinging allusion tosand-dunes yesterday, and was he come to give her fair warning, so thatshe might stop a duel? It did not seem likely. Unable to bear thesuspense any longer, she adjusted her face in the glass to an expressionof frozen dignity and threw over her shoulders the cloak trimmed withblue in which, on the occasion of the Prince's visit, she had sat downin the middle of the road. That matched the Major's frock-coat.

  She hummed a little song as she mounted the few steps to thegarden-room, and stopped just after she had opened the door. She did notoffer to shake hands.

  "You wish to see me, Major Flint?" she said, in such a voice as icebergsmight be supposed to use when passing each other by night in the Arcticseas.

  Major Flint certainly looked as if he hated seeing her, instead ofwishing it, for he backed into a corner of the room and dropped his hat.

  "Good morning, Miss Mapp," he said. "Very good of you. I--I called."

  He clearly had a difficulty in saying what he had come to say, but if hethought that she was proposing to give him the smallest assistance, hewas in error.

  "Yes, you called," said she. "Pray be seated."

  He did so; she stood; he got up again.

  "I called," said the Major, "I called to express my very deep regret atmy share, or, rather, that I did not take a more active share--Iallowed, in fact, a friend of mine to speak to you in a manner that didequal discredit----"

  Miss Mapp put her head on one side, as if trying to recollect sometrivial and unimportant occurrence.

  "Yes?" she said. "What was that?"

  "Captain Puffin," began the Major.

  Then Miss Mapp remembered it all.

  "I hope, Major Flint," she said, "that you will not find it necessary tomention Captain Puffin's name to me. I wish him nothing but well, but heand his are no concern of mine. I have the charity to suppose that hewas quite drunk on the occasion to which I imagine you allude.Intoxication alone could excuse what he said. Let us leave CaptainPuffin out of whatever you have come to say to me."

  This was adroit; it compelled the Major to begin all over again.

  "I come entirely on my own account," he began.

  "I understand," said Miss Mapp, instantly bringing Captain Puffin inagain. "Captain Puffin, now I presume sober, has no regret for what hesaid when drunk. I quite see, and I expected no more and no less fromhim. Yes. I am afraid I interrupted you."

  Major Flint threw his friend overboard like ballast from a bumpingballoon.

  "I speak for myself," he said. "I behaved, Miss Mapp, like a--ha--worm.Defenceless lady, insolent fellow drunk--I allude to Captain P----. I'mvery sorry for my part in it."

  Up till this moment Miss Mapp had not made up her mind whether sheintended to forgive him or not; but here she saw how crushing a penaltyshe might be able to inflict on Puffin if she forgave the erring andpossibly truly repentant Major. He had already spoken strongly about hisfriend's offence, and she could render life supremely nasty for themboth--particularly Puffin--if she made the Major agree that he couldnot, if truly sorry, hold further intercourse with him. There would beno more golf, no more diaries. Besides, if she was observed to befriendly with the Major again and to cut Captain Puffin, a very naturalinterpretation would be that she had learned that in the originalquarrel the Major had been defending her from some odious tongue to theextent of a challenge, even though he subsequently ran away. Tilling wasquite clever enough to make that inference without any suggestion fromher.... But if she forgave neither of them, they would probably go onboozing and golfing together, and saying quite dreadful things abouther, and not care very much whether she forgave them or not. Her mindwas made up, and she gave a wan smile.

  "Oh, Major Flint," she said, "it hurt me so dreadfully that you shouldhave stood by and heard that Man--if he is a man--say those awful thingsto me and not take my side. It made me feel so lonely. I had always beensuch good friends with you, and then you turned your back on me likethat. I didn't know what I had done to deserve it. I lay awake ever solong."

  This was affecting, and he violently rubbed the nap of his hat the wrongway.... Then Miss Mapp broke into her sunniest smile.

  "Oh, I'm so glad you came to say you were sorry!" she said. "Dear MajorBenjy, we're quite friends again."

  She dabbed her handkerchief on her eyes.

  "So foolish of me!" she said. "Now sit down in my most comfortable chairand have a cigarette."

  Major Flint made a peck at the hand she extended to him, and cleared histhroat to indicate emotion. It really was a great relief to think thatshe would not make awful allusions to duels in the middle ofbridge-parties.

  "And since you feel as you do about Captain Puffin," she said, "ofcourse, you won't see anything more of him. You and I are quite one,aren't we, about that? You have dissociated yourself from himcompletely. The fact of your being sorry does that."

  It was quite clear to the Major that this condition was involved in hisforgiveness, though that fact, so obvious to Miss Mapp, had not occurredto him before. Still, he had to accept it, or go unhouseled again. Hecould explain to Puffin, under cover of night, or perhaps indeaf-and-dumb alphabet from his window....

  "Infamous, unforgivable behaviour!" he said. "Pah!"

  "So glad you feel that," said Miss Mapp, smiling till he saw the entirerow of her fine teeth. "And oh, may I say one little thing more? I feelthis: I feel that the dreadful shock to me of being insulted like thatwas quite a lovely little blessing in disguise, now that the effect hasbeen to put an end to your intimacy with him. I never liked it, and Iliked it less than ever the other night. He's not a fit friend for you.Oh, I'm so thankful!"

  Major Flint saw that for the present he was irrevocably committed tothis clause in the treaty of peace. He could not face seeing it torn upagain, as it certainly would be, if he failed to accept it in itsentirety, nor could he imagine himself leaving the room with a renewalof hostilities. He would lose his game of golf to-day as it was, forapart from the fact that he would scarcely have time to change hisclothes (the idea of playing golf in a frock-coat and top-hat wasinconceivable) and catch the 11.20 tram, he could not be seen inPuffin's company at all. And, indeed, in the future, unless Puffin couldbe induced to apologize and Miss Mapp to forgive, he saw, if he was toplay golf at all with his friend, that endless deceptions andsubterfuges were necessary in order to escape detection. One of themwould have to set out ten minutes before the other, and walk to the tramby some unusual and circuitous route; they would have to play in aclandestine and furtive manner, parting company before they got to theclub-house; disguises might be needful; there was a peck of difficultiesahead. But he would have to go into these later; at present he must beimmersed in the rapture of his forgiveness.

  "Most generous of you, Miss Elizabeth," he said. "As for that--well, Iwon't allude to him again."

  Miss Mapp gave a happy little laugh, and having made a further plan,switched away from the subject of captains and insults with alacrity.

  "Look!" she said. "I found these little rosebuds in flower still, thoughit is the end of November. Such brave little darlings, aren't they? Onefor your button-hole, Major Benjy? And then I must do my littleshoppings or Withers will scold me--Withers
is so severe with me, keepsme in such order! If you are going into the town, will you take me withyou? I will put on my hat."

  Requests for the present were certainly commands, and two minutes laterthey set forth. Luck, as usual, befriended ability, for there was Puffinat his door, itching for the Major's return (else they would miss thetram); and lo! there came stepping along Miss Mapp in her blue-trimmedcloak, and the Major attired as for marriage--top-hat, frock-coat andbutton-hole. She did not look at Puffin and cut him; she did not seem(with the deceptiveness of appearances) to see him at all, so eager andagreeable was her conversation with her companion. The Major, so Puffinthought, attempted to give him some sort of dazed and hunted glance; buthe could not be certain even of that, so swiftly had it to betransformed into a genial interest in what Miss Mapp was saying, andPuffin stared open-mouthed after them, for they were terrible as an armywith banners. Then Diva, trundling swiftly out of the fish-shop, came,as well she might, to a dead halt, observing this absolutelyinexplicable phenomenon.

  "Good morning, Diva darling," said Miss Mapp. "Major Benjy and I aredoing our little shopping together. So kind of him, isn't it? and verynaughty of me to take up his time. I told him he ought to be playinggolf. Such a lovely day! Au reservoir, sweet! Oh, and there's the Padre,Major Benjy! How quickly he walks! Yes, he sees us! And there's Mrs.Poppit; everybody is enjoying the sunshine. What a beautiful fur coat,though I should think she found it very heavy and warm. Good morning,dear Susan! You shopping, too, like Major Benjy and me? How is your dearIsabel?"

  Miss Mapp made the most of that morning; the magnanimity of herforgiveness earned her incredible dividends. Up and down the High Streetshe went, with Major Benjy in attendance, buying grocery, stationery,gloves, eau-de-Cologne, boot-laces, the "Literary Supplement" of _TheTimes_, dried camomile flowers, and every conceivable thing that shemight possibly need in the next week, so that her shopping might be asprotracted as possible. She allowed him (such was her firmness in"spoiling" him) to carry her shopping-basket, and when that was full,she decked him like a sacrificial ram with little parcels hung by loopsof string. Sometimes she took him into a shop in case there might besomeone there who had not seen him yet on her leash; sometimes she lefthim on the pavement in a prominent position, marking, all the time, justas if she had been a clinical thermometer, the feverish curiosity thatwas burning in Tilling's veins. Only yesterday she had spread the newsof his cowardice broadcast; to-day their comradeship was of thechattiest and most genial kind. There he was, carrying her basket, andwearing frock-coat and top-hat and hung with parcels like aChristmas-tree, spending the entire morning with her instead of golfingwith Puffin. Miss Mapp positively shuddered as she tried to realize whather state of mind would have been, if she had seen him thus coupledwith Diva. She would have suspected (rightly in all probability) someloathsome intrigue against herself. And the cream of it was that untilshe chose, nobody could possibly find out what had caused thismetamorphosis so paralysing to inquiring intellects, for Major Benjywould assuredly never tell anyone that there was a reconciliation, dueto his apology for his rudeness, when he had stood by and permitted anintoxicated Puffin to suggest disgraceful bargains. Tilling--poorTilling--would go crazy with suspense as to what it all meant.

  Never had there been such a shopping! It was nearly lunch-time when, ather front door, Major Flint finally stripped himself of her parcels andher companionship and hobbled home, profusely perspiring, and lame fromso much walking on pavements in tight patent-leather shoes. He was wearyand footsore; he had had no golf, and, though forgiven, was but a wreck.She had made him ridiculous all the morning with his frock-coat andtop-hat and his porterages, and if forgiveness entailed any more ofthese nightmare sacraments of friendliness, he felt that he would beunable to endure the fatiguing accessories of the regenerate state. Hehung up his top-hat and wiped his wet and throbbing head; he kicked offhis shoes and shed his frock-coat, and furiously qui-hied for a whiskyand soda and lunch.

  His physical restoration was accompanied by a quickening of dismay atthe general prospect. What (to put it succinctly) was life worth, evenwhen unharassed by allusions to duels, without the solace of golf,quarrels and diaries in the companionship of Puffin? He hated Puffin--noone more so--but he could not possibly get on without him, and it wasentirely due to Puffin that he had spent so outrageous a morning, forPuffin, seeking to silence Miss Mapp by his intoxicated bargain, hadbeen the prime cause of all this misery. He could not even, for fear ofthat all-seeing eye in Miss Mapp's garden-room, go across to the houseof the unforgiven sea-captain, and by a judicious recital of his woesinduce him to beg Miss Mapp's forgiveness instantly. He would have towait till the kindly darkness fell.... "Mere slavery!" he exclaimed withpassion.

  A tap at his sitting-room door interrupted the chain of these melancholyreflections, and his permission to enter was responded to by Puffinhimself. The Major bounced from his seat.

  "You mustn't stop here," he said in a low voice, as if afraid that hemight be overheard. "Miss Mapp may have seen you come in."

  Puffin laughed shrilly.

  "Why, of course she did," he gaily assented. "She was at her window allright. Ancient lights, I shall call her. What's this all about now?"

  "You must go back," said Major Flint agitatedly. "She must see you goback. I can't explain now. But I'll come across after dinner when it'sdark. Go; don't wait."

  He positively hustled the mystified Puffin out of the house, and MissMapp's face, which had grown sharp and pointed with doubts andsuspicions when she observed him enter Major Benjy's house, dimpled, asshe saw him return, into her sunniest smiles. "Dear Major Benjy," shesaid, "he has refused to see him," and she cut the string of the largecardboard box which had just arrived from the dyer's with the mostpleasurable anticipations....

  Well, it was certainly very magnificent, and Miss Greele was quiteright, for there was not the faintest tinge to show that it hadoriginally been kingfisher-blue. She had not quite realized howbrilliant crimson-lake was in the piece; it seemed almost to cast aruddy glow on the very ceiling, and the fact that she had caused theorange chiffon with which the neck and sleeves were trimmed to be dyedblack (following the exquisite taste of Mrs. Titus Trout) only threw thesplendour of the rest into more dazzling radiance. Kingfisher-blue wouldappear quite ghostly and corpse-like in its neighbourhood; and painfulthough that would be for Diva, it would, as all her well-wishers musthope, be a lesson to her not to indulge in such garishness. She shouldbe taught her lesson (D.V.), thought Miss Mapp, at Susan's bridge-partyto-morrow evening. Captain Puffin was being taught a lesson, too, for weare never too old to learn, or, for that matter, to teach.

  Though the night was dark and moonless, there was an inconvenientlybrilliant gas-lamp close to the Major's door, and that strategist,carrying his round roll of diaries, much the shape of a bottle, underhis coat, went about half-past nine that evening to look at therain-gutter which had been weeping into his yard, and let himself out ofthe back-door round the corner. From there he went down past thefishmonger's, crossed the road, and doubled back again up Puffin's sideof the street, which was not so vividly illuminated, though he took theprecaution of making himself little with bent knees, and of limping.Puffin was already warming himself over the fire and imbibing Romanroads, and was disposed to be hilarious over the Major's shopping.

  "But why top-hat and frock-coat, Major?" he asked. "Another visit of thePrince of Wales, I asked myself, or the Voice that breathed o'er Eden?Have a drink--one of mine, I mean? I owe you a drink for the good laughyou gave me."

  Had it not been for this generosity and the need of getting on the rightside of Puffin, Major Flint would certainly have resented such clumsylevity, but this double consideration caused him to take it withunwonted good-humour. His attempt to laugh, indeed, sounded a littlehollow, but that is the habit of self-directed merriment.

  "Well, I allow it must have seemed amusing," he said. "The fact was thatI thought she would appreciate my putting a little ceremony into myerrand of
apology, and then she whisked me off shopping before I couldgo and change."

  "Kiss and friends again, then?" asked Puffin.

  The Major grew a little stately over this.

  "No such familiarity passed," he said. "But she accepted my regretswith--ha--the most gracious generosity. A fine-spirited woman, sir;you'll find the same."

  "I might if I looked for it," said Puffin. "But why should I want tomake it up? You've done that, and that prevents her talking aboutduelling and early trains. She can't mock at me because of you. Youmight pass me back my bottle, if you've taken your drink."

  The Major reluctantly did so.

  "You must please yourself, old boy," he said. "It's your business, andno one's ever said that Benjy Flint interfered in another man's affairs.But I trust you will do what good feeling indicates. I hope you valueour jolly games of golf and our pleasant evenings sufficiently highly."

  "Eh! how's that?" asked Puffin. "You going to cut me too?"

  The Major sat down and put his large feet on the fender. "Tact anddiplomacy, Benjy, my boy," he reminded himself.

  "Ha! That's what I like," he said, "a good fire and a friend, and therest of the world may go hang. There's no question of cutting, old man;I needn't tell you that--but we must have one of our good talks. Forinstance, I very unceremoniously turned you out of my house thisafternoon, and I owe you an explanation of that. I'll give it you in oneword: Miss Mapp saw you come in. She didn't see me come in here thisevening--ha! ha!--and that's why I can sit at my ease. But if sheknew----"

  Puffin guessed.

  "What has happened, Major, is that you've thrown me over for Miss Mapp,"he observed.

  "No, sir, I have not," said the Major with emphasis. "Should I besitting here and drinking your whisky if I had? But this morning, afterthat lady had accepted my regret for my share in what occurred the othernight, she assumed that since I condemned my own conduct unreservedly, Imust equally condemn yours. It really was like a conjuring trick; thething was done before I knew anything about it. And before I'd had timeto say, 'Hold on a bit,' I was being led up and down the High Street,carrying as much merchandise as a drove of camels. God, sir, I sufferedthis morning; you don't seem to realize that I suffered; I couldn'tstand any more mornings like that: I haven't the stamina."

  "A powerful woman," said Puffin reflectively.

  "You may well say that," observed Major Flint. "That is finely said. Apowerful woman she is, with a powerful tongue, and able to be powerfulnasty, and if she sees you and me on friendly terms again, she'll turnthe full hose on to us both unless you make it up with her."

  "H'm, yes. But as likely as not she'll tell me and my apologies to gohang."

  "Have a try, old man," said the Major encouragingly.

  Puffin looked at his whisky-bottle.

  "Help yourself, Major," he said. "I think you'll have to help me out,you know. Go and interview her: see if there's a chance of my favourablereception."

  "No, sir," said the Major firmly, "I will not run the risk of anothermorning's shopping in the High Street."

  "You needn't. Watch till she comes back from her shopping to-morrow."

  Major Benjy clearly did not like the prospect at all, but Puffin grewfirmer and firmer in his absolute refusal to lay himself open to rebuff,and presently, they came to an agreement that the Major was to go on hisambassadorial errand next morning. That being settled, the stillundecided point about the worm-cast gave rise to a good deal of heat,until, it being discovered that the window was open, and that theirvoices might easily carry as far as the garden-room, they made malignantrejoinders to each other in whispers. But it was impossible to go onquarrelling for long in so confidential a manner, and the disagreementwas deferred to a more convenient occasion. It was late when the Majorleft, and after putting out the light in Puffin's hall, so that heshould not be silhouetted against it, he slid into the darkness, andreached his own door by a subtle detour.

  Miss Mapp had a good deal of division of her swift mind, when, nextmorning, she learned the nature of Major Benjy's second errand. If she,like Mr. Wyse, was to encourage Puffin to hope that she would accept hisapologies, she would be obliged to remit all further punishment of him,and allow him to consort with his friend again. It was difficult toforgo the pleasure of his chastisement, but, on the other hand, it wasjust possible that the Major might break away, and, whether she liked itor not (and she would not), refuse permanently to give up Puffin'ssociety. That would be awkward since she had publicly paraded herreconciliation with him. What further inclined her to clemency, was thatthis very evening the crimson-lake tea-gown would shed its effulgenceover Mrs. Poppit's bridge-party, and Diva would never want to hear theword "kingfisher" again. That was enough to put anybody in a goodtemper. So the diplomatist returned to the miscreant with the gladtidings that Miss Mapp would hear his supplication with a favourableear, and she took up a stately position in the garden-room, which sheselected as audience chamber, near the bell so that she could ring forWithers if necessary.

  * * * * *

  Miss Mapp's mercy was largely tempered with justice, and she proposed,in spite of the leniency which she would eventually exhibit, to givePuffin "what for," first. She had not for him, as for Major Benjy, thatfeminine weakness which had made it a positive luxury to forgive him:she never even thought of Puffin as Captain Dicky, far less let thepretty endearment slip off her tongue accidentally, and the luxury whichshe anticipated from the interview was that of administering a quantityof hard slaps. She had appointed half-past twelve as the hour for hissuffering, so that he must go without his golf again.

  She put down the book she was reading when he appeared, and gazed at himstonily without speech. He limped into the middle of the room. Thismight be forgiveness, but it did not look like it, and he wonderedwhether she had got him here on false pretences.

  "Good morning," said he.

  Miss Mapp inclined her head. Silence was gold.

  "I understood from Major Flint----" began Puffin.

  Speech could be gold too.

  "If," said Miss Mapp, "you have come to speak about Major Flint you havewasted your time. And mine!"

  (How different from Major Benjy, she thought. What a shrimp!)

  The shrimp gave a slight gasp. The thing had got to be done, and thesooner he was out of range of this powerful woman the better.

  "I am extremely sorry for what I said to you the other night," he said.

  "I am glad you are sorry," said Miss Mapp.

  "I offer you my apologies for what I said," continued Puffin.

  The whip whistled.

  "When you spoke to me on the occasion to which you refer," said MissMapp, "I saw of course at once that you were not in a condition to speakto anybody. I instantly did you that justice, for I am just toeverybody. I paid no more attention to what you said than I should havepaid to any tipsy vagabond in the slums. I daresay you hardly rememberwhat you said, so that before I hear your expression of regret, I willremind you of it. You threatened, unless I promised to tell nobody inwhat a disgusting condition you were, to say that I was tipsy. ElizabethMapp tipsy! That was what you said, Captain Puffin."

  Captain Puffin turned extremely red. ("Now the shrimp's being boiled,"thought Miss Mapp.)

  "I can't do more than apologize," said he. He did not know whether hewas angrier with his ambassador or her.

  "Did you say you couldn't do 'more,'" said Miss Mapp with an air ofgreat interest. "How curious! I should have thought you couldn't havedone less."

  "Well, what more can I do?" asked he.

  "If you think," said Miss Mapp, "that you hurt me by your conduct thatnight, you are vastly mistaken. And if you think you can do no more thanapologize, I will teach you better. You can make an effort, CaptainPuffin, to break with your deplorable habits, to try to get back alittle of the self-respect, if you ever had any, which you have lost.You can cease trying, oh, so unsuccessfully, to drag Major Benjy down toyour level. That's what you can do.
"

  She let these withering observations blight him.

  "I accept your apologies," she said. "I hope you will do better in thefuture, Captain Puffin, and I shall look anxiously for signs ofimprovement. We will meet with politeness and friendliness when we arebrought together and I will do my best to wipe all remembrance of yourtipsy impertinence from my mind. And you must do your best too. You arenot young, and engrained habits are difficult to get rid of. But do notdespair, Captain Puffin. And now I will ring for Withers and she willshow you out."

  She rang the bell, and gave a sample of her generous oblivion.

  "And we meet, do we not, this evening at Mrs. Poppit's?" she said,looking not at him, but about a foot above his head. "Such pleasantevenings one always has there, I hope it will not be a wet evening, butthe glass is sadly down. Oh, Withers, Captain Puffin is going. Goodmorning, Captain Puffin. Such a pleasure!"

  Miss Mapp hummed a rollicking little tune as she observed him totterdown the street.

  "There!" she said, and had a glass of Burgundy for lunch as a treat.