by Jaime Reese
There was a hint of wonder in Ben’s expression mixed with a little worry and a whole heck of a lot of curiosity. Bull pondered the question as a memory of a video chat flashed in his mind. “No one’s ever wanted to be with me that way. I guess it’s too hard.” He had suspected Ben kept a guarded distance to avoid attachments he perceived as temporary. And there wasn’t a doubt Ben’s experience was limited. But the extent of that limitation surprised him. “Have you ever kissed anyone before?”
After a quick nod, Ben ducked his head, but not fast enough to hide his reddening cheeks.
Bull wasn’t buying it, but he could play along. For now. Ben’s inability to disappoint others and his promise to be honest would eventually make him reveal whatever he was hiding. Regardless of whoever came before him, from this point forward, Bull wanted to be the last. He tucked a finger under Ben’s chin and pulled his face up. “Start, middle, or end. Any time you want to kiss me is fine. We’re running at your speed, so it’s up to you.”
The red crept up to Ben’s ears as he nodded again.
Bull reached for the cake knife and plated a second slice for himself. He slowly ate each bite as a steady green stare remained pegged on him. The horny prick inside him itching to break free licked the icing off the fork a little longer and slower than necessary. He would wait for Ben to make the first move, but he wasn’t going to play a part in slowing things down.
“I would give up hamburgers for you,” Ben signed, his eyes glassy and heavy lidded. He almost looked as if he were in a trance.
Bull gulped the last bite of cake past the sudden rock lodged in his throat, wondering if Ben would have revealed the thought if given a few more seconds to think about it. That silly declaration said just as much or more than his lust-filled stare. Turned-on-Ben was a sight Bull would memorize and recall again when he was back home, alone in bed. “And I would eat burgers and cake all day, just for you.”
Ben huffed out a faint laugh. Even the whisper of his breath as it pushed through his lips was turning Bull on. With his control running thin, he had to get out of there. “Video chat tonight?” he signed.
Ben nodded. “Those are my favorite dates.” The movements of his hands were as seductive as the way his teeth dug into his bottom lip.
Bull hadn’t expected the effect lusty-Ben would have on him. The mix of innocence, need, and mischief was a powerful potion. If he was going to keep his word, he had to get the hell out of there.
Taking a deep breath, he finally stepped away from Ben. He swore he heard one of his testicles yell in protest. But he had enough self-control and patience to resist whatever Ben threw his way.
Yeah… Right. Even he called bullshit.
Ben pressed the button to wake his phone and sighed at the time display. Today was their date night, but he still had another hour to burn.
After wrapping up an early dinner, he sat at the dining table as Matt cleaned up the kitchen. He had wanted to help, anything to keep busy, but Matt had insisted he stay put. Staying busy would be better. After two days and two more nightly video chats, he still hadn’t fessed up. The lie was wearing on him. It was a silly white lie, but he hadn’t wanted Gabriel to think he was inexperienced or naive. Lying about having kissed someone was easy, but the regret that had struck him since was impossible to deal with.
He rubbed at his chest, just as he had for the last two days when the sudden ache appeared. He wondered if this lie would jeopardize Gabriel’s trust in him.
He glanced up at Calvin, standing under the archway to the living room. “Someone’s here for you.”
With a nod, he stood and rubbed his palms against his jeans. Gabriel was early, but maybe he was just as anxious about their date as Ben. He could hope. Shoving his phone into his back pocket, he tucked the chair under the table. He stepped out into the living room, determined to come clean. There was no way he was starting off this date on a bad foot.
He stilled when a familiar green gaze stared back at him.
Maddy.
His heart thrashed and protested in his chest, battling with the odd twist in his stomach. He hadn’t seen his sister since the morning of his second arrest. She hadn’t visited him in prison or responded to any of his text messages since his release.
“Can we talk?” she asked.
Not the icebreaker he had hoped to receive. He blinked, his brain finally catching up to get a read of her lips. His legs kicked in and jolted him forward. He led her to the back porch and gestured toward the bench. After she sat, he took the seat next to her.
“Sam called me this morning. He said you were getting out of here soon. He wanted to talk about your living arrangements.” She paused for a moment to frown.
He rubbed his arms, fighting a sudden chill.
“Benny…you’re not moving back in with me.”
Words he knew would come but had hoped they wouldn’t. The air rushed in and out of his lungs out of sheer instinct. He wanted to escape what he sensed coming. Instead, he rapidly blinked, clearing the sudden blurriness in his vision so that he wouldn’t miss a single word she spoke.
Years had built distance the size of a gorge between them. But he had persevered, doing everything in his power, hoping and begging for her to see him as a man who could stand on his own two feet, even when he stumbled. Not as the baby brother who needed extra care and attention. He didn’t want to be treated with kid gloves. He wanted respect and equality. He thought he had made some strides after they had reconnected.
At least, he had hoped.
She shook her head. “I love you, but I just can’t anymore.” Isn’t love supposed to conquer all? She rubbed her hands along her thighs, the same way he did when he was trying to gather his thoughts. “It’s too hard.”
“What is?” he signed, his hands shaking with each movement.
She shook her head. “You know I don’t understand when you do that.”
He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and typed out a quick note on his app, turning the display toward her with the same message he had signed.
She squinted at the screen, then straightened. “You don’t get it. I searched for you for years after Mom died. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. But when I didn’t find you, I moved on, until that detective contacted me years ago.”
He frowned at her words: “I thought that was what I was supposed to do.” Had she not wanted to find him?
“But after you moved in, it’s like everything came back. And I remembered how tough it had been growing up. How much extra attention you needed.”
He stiffened. After he had moved in with her, his job at Shaw and Drayton’s office paid him enough to cover half the rent and bills without issue, just as she had requested when she had agreed to take him in. He bought the groceries each week and always cleaned up after himself. He even cleaned the house on weekends so she could sleep in and wouldn’t have to worry about it. He always walked several blocks to the bus stop rather than inconveniencing her for a ride or taking the car.
All because he refused to be a burden.
He had adapted, just as he always had, never requesting a change or expecting a favor in return. Only that she accept him as he was. As family should.
“You have to stop texting me. I want my life back.” He bent toward her, chasing her facial expressions when she lowered her head, needing to keep sight of her lips as she spoke. “I can’t do this anymore.”
He grabbed his phone, his fingers shaking as he typed out a short note. “Do what? Be my sister?”
Her gaze snapped to his. Those green eyes staring back at him blazed with rage. “Don’t you dare try to make me feel guilty! Don’t you dare try to hurt me like that. You think I didn’t try? I took you in, didn’t I? Gave you a roof over your head. But that wasn’t enough. You still screwed up.”
A chill rippled through his body. Over the years, he had learned to read people. He didn’t need to hear yelling to know when voices were raised. He wouldn’t deny he had screwed up. He had made a
foolish mistake. One he regretted each and every day over the last two years.
But hurt someone? Hurt his sister?
No, he would never do that.
He rubbed his hands against his jeans and took a few deep breaths. He wasn’t the young, naive kid he once was, and after two years of repeatedly dissecting the tiniest of details in his mind, there was one glaring piece to the puzzle he could no longer deny.
This wasn’t about him.
“I want my life back.”
He had lost each of his parents—his father to a heart attack and his mom to a car accident a few years later. Having them suddenly ripped from his life from one day to the next had left him with no choice but to push through the grief that had torn through his heart. But this was different. He had lost his sister a little more with each passing day.
He wasn’t sure which was tougher to manage.
With her, there had still been a tiny shred of hope. Teasing him. Promising him a chance at a future again with family. But somewhere deep inside his heart, he’d known this day would come. He could no longer pretend, not when there was so much resentment and blame in her hard stare.
He took a deep breath, trying to accept what he had known for years. She wanted freedom, and he loved her enough to give her the gift she craved. He could grant her selfish wish, even if it tore his soul. He typed out another note on his phone and turned the display toward her.
She scoffed and shook her head. “Really? You’re asking about that stupid bunny. Why do you love that ugly thing?”
Because you gave it to me when you still loved me.
“It was old and worn out. It had so much patchwork it barely looked like a bunny anymore. I threw it out. I knew you wouldn’t, so I did. You’re not a kid anymore. You shouldn’t have toys.”
Toy? That toy had been his one trusted friend over the years. The one consistent piece in his life puzzle and the only source of comfort when his smiling facade had faltered while growing up.
“Don’t text me again.”
Readying the virtual scissor in his mind, he met her steely gaze and nodded.
She stood and straightened her dress. They stared at each other for a moment, another habit they seemed to share. He wanted to memorize her face, knowing it would be the last time he would ever see it again.
She turned away, walking down the few steps of the back porch toward her car. She hadn’t taken the time to learn sign language. But he had hoped she would have at least given him a wave goodbye.
She backed her car out of the rear lot, turned onto the road, then disappeared from sight.
No backward glance, no hesitation.
He sat frozen on the bench, staring at the empty space where her car had been parked. He lost track of how many times he had wiped at the wetness on his cheeks before Matt hauled him back inside the house.
He felt the weight of Julian’s and Calvin’s stares as Matt tried to comfort him. He sensed their concern and felt their sympathy. But nothing eased the numbness spreading through his body.
His only blood tie had been severed, leaving him more alone than he had ever felt in his life.
= ♥ =
Bull shut the door of his SUV and made his way toward the back door of Halfway House. For the last hour, he couldn’t shake the weird feeling that something was off. You’re nervous. He scoffed at himself and the silly thought. He wasn’t shy, didn’t embarrass easily, and sure as hell wasn’t the nervous type.
The rear door opened just as he stepped up onto the back porch.
A wash of coldness blanketed him at Julian’s expression. “What’s wrong?”
“Ben’s sister stopped by.”
Bull stilled. Maddy had been a recurring subject during their video chats. Ben had texted her every week since his release even though she hadn’t responded to a single message. Her lack of visits while he’d been inside and unanswered texts had always been a tough subject for Ben to share.
“Calvin let her in. He knew Ben was going out tonight, so when she showed up at the door, he thought Ben was leaving with her. He didn’t know about the strain in their relationship.” Julian trailed off as he rubbed his shaved head. “I was upstairs, and Matt was in the kitchen. When Cal said someone was here, we just thought you had gotten here early.”
“Excuse me.” Bull left the rambling version of Julian behind as he pushed through the back door. Quickly scanning the room, his breath froze in his throat when his gaze landed on Ben sitting on the living room couch.
It was Ben, but it wasn’t.
The usual nervous and curious energy that thrummed through his body were on hiatus. There wasn’t a single twitch or shift of movement in his body, only the slight rise and fall of his chest and blink of his eyes, proof his Ben was still present.
“Do something,” Calvin said, his voice hard and strained. “Please.”
“Do you mind giving us a few minutes alone?”
“Bull—” Matt said, shaking his head. He glanced at his partner, his eyes pleading.
Julian walked over to Matt and extended his hand. “C’mon, give them a few minutes.”
“He’s been through so much tonight, J.”
“And if it were you, would you listen to anyone but me right now?”
With a defeated sigh, Matt took Julian’s hand and stood. They left the living room and headed upstairs with Calvin trailing behind them.
Bull waited until they disappeared from sight, then stepped around the living room furniture and between the couch and coffee table to stand in front of Ben. He slowly knelt on the floor, lowering himself one knee at a time. Ben had been evasive the last two days, even during their video chats he seemed a little closed off and nervous. But this…this was different. Those green eyes were distant and vacant, absent of the usual wonder and curiosity.
He tucked his finger under Ben’s chin and nudged his face up, drawing his attention.
Those green eyes filled with tears the moment their eyes met.
“It hurts,” Ben signed as the faint sound of a sob tore from his lips and echoed through the quiet living room.
All the emotions packed into that barely audible sound were a wrecking ball to Bull’s heart. “I know,” he signed, not voicing the words as he spoke, wanting to keep this conversation as private as possible.
“She didn’t want me anymore. So I let her go,” Ben signed as the tears spilled. “She was supposed to be permanent.”
Bull swiped his thumb across Ben’s cheek. “Blood doesn’t make a connection permanent,” he signed. He knew that fact far too well. The strain between him and his father was a lead weight in his stomach.
“She threw away Bunny.”
Bull ducked his head, begging for an extra dose of patience to work its way through his system. During their chats, Ben had mentioned that his sister and the one gift she had given him were the two things he had thought about most during his time inside. And now, all in one fell swoop, both had been ripped away from him.
A tap to his forearm pulled him from his thoughts.
“Are you leaving me too?”
“Why would I leave you?” he signed with a frown.
Ben chewed his bottom lip as the tears pooled in his eyes again. “I lied to you.”
“About never having been kissed?”
Those green eyes rounded. “How did you know?”
“You’re a bad liar,” he signed, hiding a smile.
“So you made me suffer for two days?”
He slowly arched an eyebrow.
“That wasn’t fair.” A rush of color flooded Ben’s cheeks. “I was the one who lied. I’m sorry.”
“Is that what’s been bothering you for the last two days?”
Ben nodded.
“Was lying worth the worry?”
Ben shook his head. “You should have said something.”
“No, I wanted you to tell me the truth because you wanted to be honest with me.”
“So…you’re not leaving?” Ben si
gned his question, the movements of his hands almost hesitant, as if scared of the reply.
Bull slowly shook his head. “I want all the firsts you’re willing to give me.” He stilled his hands from signing to swipe at a fresh tear spilling from Ben’s steady gaze. “I want to be permanent.”
His back almost hit the coffee table behind him when Ben threw himself into his arms. He closed his eyes and held Ben close, breathing him in, begging for the somber cloud hovering over them to finally vanish. Still holding Ben, Bull stood. He was rewarded by the arms slipping around his neck and squeezing him closer. After stealing a few more seconds, he finally set Ben’s feet on the floor and broke away from the embrace to sign.
“Do you want to stay in tonight?” Bull signed. “I’ll understand. We can go out another night.”
Ben’s eyebrows twitched. He looked away as if debating the question. Seconds later, he met Bull’s gaze and shook his head. “I can’t change what happened. I think…I knew it was coming. But it still hurts. If I stay, it’s all I’ll think about.” He hesitated, worry creeping into his gaze. “Can we still go out? Even if it’s just for a little while. Is that okay?”
Bull nodded. “Anything you want.”
Ben chewed his lip, obviously battling with something. He glanced up and made eye contact. Then, with a jerky step forward, Ben slid his arms around Bull’s midsection and rested his head on Bull’s shoulder.
Closing his eyes, Bull wrapped his arms around Ben and lowered his face into his dark hair, wanting to suffocate his senses with this man. He splayed his hand on Ben’s back, possessively, moaning when fingers tentatively touched the back of his neck. The power this man had over him was alarming. But not as alarming as his willingness to cave to his every whim.
They finally pulled out of the embrace. Peace filled Ben’s expression. He might be young and have moments when his innocence shone through like a bright light, but there were times when his resilience proved to be an equally powerful force.
“Are you ready to go?” Bull signed his question.
Ben nodded.
Seconds after Bull yelled up the stairs, three worried men appeared. Their response time left little doubt they had been eavesdropping. “We’re going out. I’ll have him back by eleven.”