“Well, here she is- my child,” Sandra said, as the three made it to the top of the steps where they found Tiffany standing and peeping around the corner. Although Tiffany didn’t know much about her, she had memorized her voice and her face was etched in her brain. When Tammy reached the top, she looked at the child standing in front of her and reached out for her. Tiffany went to her. The mother and daughter embraced for a quick second. Not saying a word, Tammy walked down the hall into the bathroom and shut the door. Sandra had already made her way and was starting on her normal routine.
“Granny, what’s wrong with her? Is she sick? Why does she look like that? Does she have a cold, is that why she didn’t say anything to me?” As May wiped the tears from Tiffany’s face she took all the questions in and prepared herself to give the child the answer she so desperately needed. May took a deep breath and as she exhaled, “Help me Jesus” escaped her lips.
“Yes baby, she is sick. She is very sick. She didn’t say anything to you because she doesn’t quite know what to say to you and sometimes people say things to you without ever saying a word.”
“Is she mad at me?”
“No, baby, she isn’t mad at you.” The tears continued to fall from Tiffany’s eyes and it was breaking May’s heart. Tammy was just a few steps away and had no clue or motherly intuition that the child she carried in her own womb was hurting and longing for her mother at that very moment. May took Tiffany into her bedroom pulled her in her lap as she sat in her chair and rocked her until she fell asleep. Once she was asleep, May got up from the rocker, walked around to the other side of her bed, laid her down, covered her up, kissed her ever so gently on her plump cheek, and walked out of the room closing the door behind her. She didn’t want to wake her up with what was about to happen next.
May opened the door to Tiffany’s room to find her daughter and granddaughter lying in bed. Sandra was eating cereal and Tammy was watching television. Neither of the two even noticed that she had entered the room. May took a moment to take in what she was looking at. Lord, I don’t know what the lesson is nor can I comprehend why you picked my children to fight this fight. I’m tired, worn out, and desperate for an answer! Tell me what to do! Help me help them! She took a deep breath and called out Tammy’s name “Tammy,” she said in a calm loving tone.
“Yes, ma’am?” she responded in a timid childlike voice.
“We need to talk baby and I know you don’t want to, but it must happen.”
CHAPTER 4
S andra interrupted before May could go on, “Mother, why do you always have to start up that shit? Don’t nobody wanna hear that every time they come home.” May composed herself before she spoke, she didn’t want it to escalate like it had the night before, Tiffany had been through enough for the night.
“Sandra, it’s best you keep your mouth closed. Last night I was controlled, tonight is a different story and I can guarantee you the outcome tonight will leave yo’ ass speechless, try me if you want to.” The calmness in her voice was scarier than any anger either had ever heard May speak.
Without a word, Sandra turned her whole body away from May and whispered to Tammy, “Take that shit in the other room.” Tammy sat up and was about to stand to her feet, but just as she began to get up, May shut the door and sat down next to her. On the other side of the bed Sandra was rolling her eyes and biting on her inner bottom lip as she often did when she was irritated or angry.
“Tammy, you know I love you, right?”
“Yes, ma’am. I know.”
“Ok, so I want you to keep that in mind throughout this conversation because I am going to say some things that may have you question that love. Just know that I am only saying these things because if I don’t, no one else will.” May saw the tears swelling in Tammy’s eyes and, although May felt her emotions rising, she knew she had to keep it together because she could not allow Tammy to see her break this time. “It’s been months since I have seen or heard from you. I’m sure you have picked up a phone at some point to call someone. And I’m almost certain that you have passed this street a few times or more as well. Did it slip your mind that you have a child? Did it cross your mind that she is now old enough to know that I am her great-grandmother and you are her mother? Do you even comprehend the mental damage that has already begun? She is becoming more and more aware of her surroundings and it’s becoming harder and harder for me to keep the lid on the reality of our family. You have no connection at all with her and although I have taken on the responsibility of being her mother, I cannot replace you. I can love her with every fiber of my being, and I do, but it’s just something about a mother’s love that a child longs for. She constantly asks me where you are and if you have called. She wants to know if we can come to your house. This baby is going to be something amazing when she realizes she has worth, because right now she doesn’t know that. She looks at herself in the mirror and talks to herself as if she is you. Saying things like, ‘I promise I will be back to get you’, ‘You are so pretty’, and ‘Mommy, loves you.’ Do you know what that really means, Tammy?”
Tammy couldn’t speak a word as the tears ran down her face and May could only pray the words she was speaking was having an impact on her grandchild. “It means that even though you are not doing it intentionally, you are causing emotional and mental damage to your child. The kind that won’t go away even after you are clean and sober. The kind that will haunt you and her for years to come. The kind that will have her searching for love in all the wrong places, just like you are now, do you want that for her? Have you even thought about the background she has already? The one we have given her; starting with me. Let me tell you, and this is just the background of her great-grandmother, grandmother and mother, I’m not even going to touch on the dog you chose to lay down with. I never went to high school, was a mother at sixteen, had two failed marriages, never been financially stable, and to top it off, I’m a weekend alcoholic. Your mother went to high school but didn’t graduate, was a mother at sixteen, a marriage ruined due to her affairs and drug use. She has lost her house, car, job, money, and most importantly, her family to the street life she chooses to live. And then there is you, another high school dropout and mother at sixteen. And now you’re 25, living on the streets, selling your body, and addicted to drugs. Do you see a pattern of any kind? Do you want her to travel down the same road of teen pregnancy, addiction, and prostitution? Do you want her to be uneducated and working fast food and checkout lines all her life? The foundation that she was given was not asked for. But, for whatever reason, God chose us for her and it’s up to us to change these patterns and allow her the opportunity to break these generational curses. But the shit she is witnessing now is not good. Hell, I know it’s wrong, but I drink to drown out the fact that my only child and my two granddaughters are all strung out on drugs. And somewhere down the line I failed as a parent. Last night when your mother came in here, I was praying it was you when I opened that door. You don’t know how much it hurts me to lay in bed at night with a million and one questions, yet no answers. Is she laying in an alley or abandoned building somewhere, is someone holding her against her will, is she sleeping outside in the cold, is she alive? Every time that phone rings there is an uneasiness that comes over me. I hate watching the news because every time I hear about them finding a body of a female I get sick to my stomach. This is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The thoughts alone will drive a person insane. Do you realize that you walked up the steps and hugged her as if she was a stranger and walked away from her without saying one word? She doesn’t know the reason she doesn’t live with you or why she can’t talk to or see you when she wants. And after tonight that child will be scarred for life. She hasn’t seen you in months and you couldn’t even say hi or I love you. She notices everything, Tammy. She wanted to know if you were mad at her, if you are sick because of the way your appearance is. I can only make up the answer so many times. And when she does come to know the truth I pray to
God that He gives her the strength to handle the ugly ass truth! When are you going to make the decision to love you? How many times do you think you can just walk away from the situations you place yourself in unharmed? You do know that sometimes God has to allow things to happen to us to open our eyes, and in some cases, those eye openers are things we can’t come back from.”
“Tammy, there is going to come a day when I won’t be here to handle your responsibilities as a mother. God forbid it’s anytime soon, but when that day does come, if you and your mother are still in the state you’re in now, she is going to be lost and alone. I can’t even imagine if it happens while she is under age. You are my first grandchild, I love you more than life itself, but I can’t make you change something you have no desire to change. This is your life you are playing Russian roulette with. You have the ability to win, yet you are allowing yourself to lose. He has equipped you with the tools you need to win, you just have to find the will within yourself to fight. Fight Tammy, fight for your life, fight for your child’s life because right now her life is at stake also.”
And after that statement, May stood to open the door and Tammy said, “Is she sleep?”
“Yes, she cried herself to sleep, Tammy.”
Still crying, Tammy had mustered up a little courage to speak, “I never meant for it to go this far. It started off with just a joint, but then that didn’t do anything for me, so I moved on to something a little stronger and, yes, the lines were good and I could manage it and hide it from everyone. But then things started to fall apart. I lost my job, my husband started becoming violent, I started having affairs with men who were into the things I thought was takin’ the pain away. And then there was that fateful afternoon, I can remember it like yesterday, I came home from the store and they were down in the basement.”
“They who, Tammy?”
“Mama and Brooks.” Brooks was Tammy’s on again off again boyfriend who weaseled his way into Tammy’s life at her weakest moment. He was able to manipulate Tammy into submission and married her. In the eyes of the public, he was a stand-up guy, but behind closed doors, Tammy saw a completely different side of him.
“Oh, ok.” By this time, Sandra may as well have been comatose; she was unaware that the truth that has silently haunted her the past couple of years was about to come to light. Tammy was about to tell May.
“They had it all set up, it was like they were waiting for me. My mother and my husband- the two people who were supposed to look out for me, love me, and protect me from hurt, harm and danger, were the very two who caused the most damage. It was that day that one held my arm and the other pushed the crack into my veins.” What no one knew is that right above their heads Tiffany was watching, peeking through a vent in the floor. The vent had a hole just large enough for her to clearly see her stepfather shoving a needle into her mother’s arm while her grandmother held her down. This happened to be one of the rare days that May had allowed Tiffany to stay at Tammy and Brooks’ for a few hours so that she could run a few errands. Not knowing what she had witnessed, Tiffany never mentioned the encounter to anyone.
May could not believe the words she just heard. Her rage for Sandra instantly returned to her body and tears filled her eyes. “That was the day I found my safe place,” Tammy continued. “The place I can go to and hide the ugliness I see when I look in the mirror, the unworthiness to be happy and loved. It’s so hard to do the right thing and I have tried to do it more times than none, but then the reality of it all sets in. I have nothing! No job, no car, no house, and no money. So, I stay in the streets and make money the best way I know how. Selling my body and stealing anything and everything to get my next fix. I am tired, I don’t want to do it anymore but I have nowhere to go.”
“Have I ever turned my back on you?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Then you know you can come here, but there is some foolishness I’m just not going to put up with in my house. So, if you are ready to make the change, I’m willing to help you do that. But you have to do it for you and it’s not going to be easy. There will be times when you will want to give up but you have to think about the reason you are choosing to do better. And in the end, you will come out clean, sober, and ready for the life you deserve.” May took Tammy in her arms and held her tight. The two embraced as if it was their last. May whispered to Tammy, “Get some sleep, baby, and in the morning, I will fix you a good breakfast and you can spend the day with Tiffany. She needs you as much as you need her.” Tammy got in bed, May pulled the covers over her and tucked her in as if she was an infant, then turned and walked out the door.
CHAPTER 5
I t was 4am and, as usual, the alarm was going off unnoticed by Chris. Just like any other day, Tiffany had to wake him up, “Chris, get up the alarm is going off.” And as any other day; he jumped up, turned the alarm off, and ran to the bathroom. Normally, Tiffany would go right back to sleep but was unable to this day. The light was creeping in through the crack in the door and, for some reason, she felt uneasy and restless and decided to stay put. Just like any other time she is still, her mind began to wander off to her upbringing and what she had made of herself. Chris interrupted her thoughts with a kiss and said, “Love you” just as he was about to walk out the door.
No matter what was going on in their lives, Tiffany loved the fact that he did this every morning. It was much like a security blanket for her. You see, although she was well put together in her roles with her family and peers, Tiffany still had open wounds from her childhood, adolescent, teenage, and adult life that were still very fresh. Over the years, she has tried to bandage them up and press on, however, it became harder each time life ripped the bandages off with curve balls. Granted, most of the situations would be simple for anyone else, but Tiffany had been through and seen so much throughout her life that the smallest things would take her into a state of inner depression and turmoil. Tiffany had been considering seeing a counselor for a long time but dismissed the idea with every excuse in the book. But with the heavy burdens and emotions becoming more and more overwhelming, she knew she had to do something. She made up in her mind that she was going to make the call today, her emotional status had changed from coping to self-destructive. And she knew that if she didn’t get some sort of help, the end result of all the issues she had tried so hard to forget, all the mental funerals she attended in her head, every broken piece of her heart, disappointment, and unfulfilled promise would become visible for everyone to see.
It was now 6:15am and, again, the alarm was going off, but this time, it was for Tiffany to get her children up and ready for school. Just as she watched them load onto the bus, the phone rang. The Brian McKnight ring tone told her it was Chris so she took her time getting to the phone.
“Hello”, Tiffany answered.
“What are you doing?”
“Just got the kids on the bus, what’s up?”
“Nothing. Just wanted to call and tell you I love you.”
“Aww, that was sweet, I love you too.”
“Ok, see you later.”
“Ok, have a good day.”
Tiffany, thanked God daily for sending her someone that has shown her that she is capable of being loved and most importantly deserving of unconditional love. She had only felt and received that kind of love from May. But when May passed away, she closed that portion of her heart off in an attempt to block what she felt was an unnecessary emotion. Because the fact of the matter was, if her very own mother didn’t love or want her, clearly no one else could or even want to without asking for something in return.
Tiffany had come to know herself all too well when it came to her emotions. She had learned how to pull away from people when she felt herself starting to feel anything other than numbness. She had learned the art of sabotaging a relationship at an early age. In her eyes, it was best for all parties involved. This way she knew there wouldn’t be a time when anyone could walk away from her or speak any lies of love and unneeded br
oken promises. It wasn’t until she came across her husband that she even allowed herself to take a chance at what she had always dreamed of; unconditional love with someone that would treat her as the precious gem she was. All the while in her mind, she thought of herself as a tarnished piece of jewelry kept in the back of the junk drawer with no real value, just waiting to be thrown away. So, Tiffany felt blessed beyond measure that Chris took his place in her heart years before May passed away because if he had not, she could only imagine the turn of events after she lost her number one cheerleader. And even though the two were very much in love, Tiffany was still learning how to give and receive love from her husband years later. Chris knew the pieces of his wife’s background that she allowed herself to share, but he also knew there were dark shadows of his wife’s life that he knew nothing about, but he loved her enough to take her and all the baggage she came with. He had vowed to himself long ago to do everything in his power to help her unload every piece. And the process of unloading had many pause and rewind phases that included arguments, disagreements, and division on some subjects, but the very thing that brought the two together is the very thing that has kept them, God.
It was a quarter after ten by the time Tiffany had managed to get her morning chores done and gotten dressed for the day. She had a meeting with a possible client at six this evening. Three deliveries were to be made by three o’clock this afternoon, all within minutes of one another. Tiffany took a minute to sit in her rocking chair next to her bed just as she remembered May doing so often. She went into her purse and pulled out a small coin purse that was full of business cards. She was looking for a one in particular. She ran into a nice lady one day at the M.A.C. counter while picking up her favorite tube of lip glass. She was not one that wore anything other than lip gloss and eyeliner, and the gloss must be M.A.C. The older woman reminded her of her favorite grade school teacher, Ms. Williams. She was heavy set, with a dark complexion, well-dressed, and wore her hair brushed to the back. On her face sat a pair of black, wide framed Coach eyeglasses. The moment the two women made eye contact, Tiffany felt a connection, it was as if she knew her. After the older woman made her purchase, she walked towards Tiffany and complimented her on her outward beauty and appearance by saying, “Honey, you don’t need anything M.A.C. is offering. Go spend your money on something else, you are gorgeous just as you are.”
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