Child of an Addict

by Timia Carruthers

  “I know you probably don’t have much to say to me and that’s ok, I just wanted to hear your voice and let you know I was ok.”

  “It’s not that I don’t have anything to say to you, because honestly, I have a lot to say, I just don’t know how to put it into words at the moment. However, it’s good to know that you are alive and somewhat well.”

  “Thank you. How are the kids and your husband?”

  “Everyone is well, thanks for asking. So, I have to ask you why now? Why, after two years, did you call Mommy? Is it because you have a clear mind now and you have time to think about things?”

  “Tiffany, it’s not that I don’t want to call you and its definitely not that I don’t think about you, because I do daily. You don’t know what it’s like to know that you have failed as a parent. I have never been the mother you deserved. You didn’t ask to be here. I made the decision to act in an adult manner and you were the result of that. When I had you, I was scared of being like my mother and instead of me breaking the cycle, I allowed it to continue and dwell in me. I accepted addiction and dysfunction as my way of life. I took the things I saw as a child and just followed suit. I live with things that have controlled my mind, body, and spirit for so long that I don’t know how to live without them. You have no clue how it hurts me to know that I don’t know you. I don’t have a clue about you as a person. Yes, I know you are an excellent parent. I know that you are successful at your job, and you have been with the same man since high school. But I don’t know what makes you uniquely you.”

  And though Tiffany was listening to the heavy sobbing and labored breathing on the other end of the phone, Tiffany would not allow her mother to hear the tears that she was shedding. She cleared her throat and said, “You are absolutely right; you don’t know me.”

  “I know. I promise you I’m going to get to know you and my grandchildren. I love all of you.”

  Tiffany laughed and said, “Love. Do you even know the meaning of that word? How can say you love me but yet I have no visible proof of it. It’s an action word. What I can say is that you gave me the best opportunity to have a relevant and meaningful life by leaving me and allowing Granny to raise me. And for that I am grateful.”

  “Tiffany, I get that you may be angry, disappointed and possibly even confused with me. There is a lot about me that you don’t know, and I don’t expect you to because I have never been around long enough to explain them and I know Granny didn’t tell you because she would never want to add any of it to your already full plate.”

  “So, enlighten me, please.”

  “I will when the time is right.”

  Tiffany busted out in a loud, sarcastic laugh. “You have got to be kidding me, when the time is right? It sounds like this conversation is done. I pray for a successful recovery for you this time. You have a good rest of the day.”

  Just as she took the phone from her ear to hang up, she heard her mother say, “Tiff, wait.” She brought the phone back up to ear.

  “What is it?”

  “I have said everything I have the strength to say to you today. Visiting day is on Sundays, maybe you can come see me and we can sit down and talk face to face. I’m at Saint V’s. Please just think about it. I love you, bye Tiff.”

  “Good-bye Mommy.” As soon as the call ended, Tiffany’s silent cry became loud and enraged. She had so many emotions she didn’t know how to contain it. So, she did what she knew how to do. Something that has never failed her. She fell to her knees right where she stood in the middle of her bathroom and prayed. After God calmed her spirit, Tiffany got up, pulled herself back together, and headed out for her hair appointment. Her thoughts were consumed with so much she couldn’t catch up with them as soon as one thought would leave, another would occupy the space. She didn’t know what to make of the phone call she received from her mother. She was relieved to know she was alive, but furious that her mother still thought it was ok to walk in and out of her life when she deemed it necessary. Tiffany stopped and grabbed a cup of happiness to cheer her up a little. Her mood had flatlined before she reached her destination and she was ready to let her beautician Tia work her magic.

  Tia greeted her as she walked in the door, “Hey girl. Afternoon to you. Come on back I’m ready for you. What are we doing today?”

  “Just wash it and iron it out.”

  “Can’t get any easier than that.” Tiffany was in and out of the shop within the hour and off to let Danni work her magic. When Tiffany arrived to get her massage, she was caught off guard to see someone other than Angela sitting at the front desk.

  “Afternoon, you must be Mrs. Newton.”

  “Hello, yes I am. And you are?”

  “I’m Amy, the new receptionist.” Tiffany was quite confused and very concerned.

  “What happened to the young lady who used to work here?”

  “I’m not sure, I was told she called in one day and never returned. Let me show you to your room, Mrs. Newton, Danni will be with you shortly.”

  “Ok, thank you Amy.” The news of Angela not working there was unexpected and alarming for Tiffany partly because Angela had made no mention of it at the meeting. Before she began her massage, she sent a quick text to Angela simply saying, ‘Call me, I have a last minute question for you about the reception.’ Tiffany was unable to completely relax during her massage. Her mind was racing and her sprint was unsettled. As soon as her service was over, she got dressed, paid for her services, and made her way to her car. As she was walking, she rummaged through her purse looking for her phone in hopes of finding that she had a missed call or had received a text message from Angela. Disappointment and worry settled in when she saw she had neither.

  A couple of days went by and Tiffany still had not received any communication from Angela. Her worry had turned into full blown fear at that point. She sent a text daily and, normally, she would get a response right back from Angela. She knew something wasn’t right; they were a week away from the wedding and before the last meeting, Tiffany and Angela would speak over the phone every other day. While Tiffany was in route to pick up her children, she received a phone call from a number she was unfamiliar with so she immediately pulled over and took the call.

  “Hello?”

  “It’s me, Tiff.”

  “Ang, are you ok? Are you safe?”

  “I’m safe.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t work for Danni anymore?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I was ashamed.”

  “Ashamed of what?”

  “Mike came up there one day and acted a fool. Calling me all kinds of bitches. Snatched me up out of my chair and drug me outside and when I finally came back in, I had his hand print on my face. I called in the next day and never went back.”

  “Where are you? Can I come get you and the baby?”

  “I’m in a safe place and the baby, well my mom has her. She has been with her since my mother caught wind of my situation.”

  “And what situation are you speaking of?”

  “When she found out I was stripping she took her. But since then, she has found out that Mike is abusive and I’m using.”

  “Do you know how she found out?”

  “No.”

  “Is that all that’s happening to you, Ang? Is there something else keeping you there, Ang? You said he won’t let you leave.” There was a long pause of silence.

  “He said he will kill me if I leave.”

  “It’s ok to be scared Ang, but you have to think about yourself and that little girl of yours. Do you want to leave?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then let me come get you. I’ll take you to a safe place so that you can get yourself together and back to being a mother to your child.”

  “It’s not that easy. I have tried that before. And he found me.”

  “Is he supplying you with the drugs?”

  “Yes.”

  “I recall you saying he came in the club you worked at. Do you still
work there?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did he really just come in one night or is there more to that story?”

  “It’s his club. He recruited me to work one night when a dancer called off and I have been there since that night. Everything was fine for about a month. Then he started to change. I was bringing in more money than any of the other girls. And, one night, a customer asked for more than I was willing to do. But Mike called me into the private room and forced me to perform oral sex on the man while he watched. The man gave Mike one thousand dollars for the act. He gave me twenty-five of it and said from that point on, I would do what he said when he said it and that I would like it.

  “My God. So, you are using to numb the pain of your current reality. Ang, I am so sorry. Please let me help you.”

  “I must go now, he will be coming back any minute. I will call you the next time I get the opportunity to. But before I go, can you please do me a favor?”

  “Sure.”

  “I’m going to text you a number when I hang up the phone. It’s my mother’s. If anything ever happens to me, please be there for my baby. My mom knows who you are.”

  “Nothing is going to happen to you, Ang, until God says so. But if that time comes and I am still on this earth, I promise you I will make sure your daughter is taken care of.”

  “Thank you, Tiff. Talk to you soon.”

  Before she could say her good-byes, she had hung up the phone. Tiffany was not willing to accept the facts that were just laid down before her about Angela. But the question was why didn’t she believe it? She knew from experience that every word that Angela spoke to her were real life issues that she herself had first-hand experience with. The conversation provided clarity to two questions that Tiffany often pondered in her alone time: Angela wore her sunglasses to hide the battle scars her fiancé was inflicting on her, and her first instinct was right, Angela was definitely in trouble.

  CHAPTER 12

  I t was Sunday afternoon and the Newtons where headed home from church. The word was one that was needed and delivered right on time entitled “Damaged but not Distorted.” Although the message was one that gave Tiffany some understanding on recent events, it also caused her to think about something May use to say to her when things would get to her. Without speaking a word, May would always know when Tiffany was deep in thought. It was like second nature to her. And because Tiffany never wanted to burden May with additional headaches, she would always say ‘It’s nothing, Granny. I’m just in a mood, it will pass so don’t worry.” May’s response would always be, “The proof of the situation is what’s easy to see, it’s your faith that is hard work”. Tiffany’s was, indeed, working overtime on her faith. When the family reached the driveway, Tiffany told Chris that she had something she needed to do and that she would be back in about an hour. Chris kissed his wife and said, “Ok, I’ll see you when you get back.” About ten minutes later, Tiffany was standing at the check in desk at the rehabilitation center. “Yes, I’m here to see Tammy…” Before she could complete her sentence, she heard the voice of her mother.

  “Tiffany, you came.” She turned to face the voice that was approaching her.

  “Hello, Mommy.” Tammy was so happy to see her daughter that before she could even look at her good, she embraced her with a hug and kissed her on the cheek. After Tammy released Tiffany, she had the opportunity to examine her mother with her eyes and what she saw was horrible. Tammy was so small and frail you could see her ribcage through the t-shirt she had on. Her face was a skeleton with a thin layer of skin over it. And, as much as Tiffany fought it, the tears began to fall. She quickly wiped them away.

  “I really wasn’t expecting you to come.”

  “I wasn’t, but I needed to.”

  “Why?”

  “I need you to help me get some kind of understanding and closure. Please, I have had countless sleepless nights over you. Why are you the person you are? Is it because of me? And, if so, just tell me. Don’t sugar coat anything. I can handle anything you say, trust me.”

  Tammy looked at her child and said, “My decisions have nothing to do with you baby. I was just a victim of my circumstances. I let the enemy consume me years ago. After my mother became a junkie, I watched men come in and out of our home like a revolving door. We began to lose everything. The relationship I had with my mother was never the same as the one she had with my sister. She had a favorite. And when I lost what connection I had with my father, things around me went down like a domino effect. My father left us when he found out about the many affairs my mother had. From there, she lost the job she had been on for over fifteen years. And with no job, the everything fell apart. We had no heat, no lights, and no food. And, one day, I remember the car being towed away by the tow truck. She moved us into a small two-bedroom apartment and it was there that, at one point or another we all; her, me and my baby sister, were abused in some shape, form, or fashion. So, no, my issues didn’t start with you, they have been dwelling in me almost all my life. You may not believe me, but I think about you every day.”

  “Why didn’t you fight for me? Was I not worth the effort? You just said you knew how it felt to lose everything. And, in so many words, you just told me that your own mother didn’t love you the way you needed to be loved, right?”

  “Yes, that’s right. But what you don’t see is that I couldn’t love you the way you needed to be loved because my mother didn’t teach me how to be a loving and caring mother. My mother was the bare necessities type of mother. Even before she became a product of the society. She kept us clean and fed and made sure we went to school. Did she show us love? Yes, she showed us love. But everyone has their own way of loving.”

  “Why didn’t you just stay with Granny?”

  “She didn’t want us to. She wanted to keep her kids with her. And by the time she was willing to let us, the damage had already been done. We had seen and knew way too much. And the behavior that was going on in my mother’s household would not be tolerated in Granny’s. You have every right to feel the way you do about me. I am truly sorry for not being the mother you needed. And I hope you can find it in your heart one day to forgive me. Is there anything you want to say to me? I promise to just listen.”

  “As a matter of fact, I do. I want to thank you for giving me a chance. At some point your mind was clear enough to make a decision to want something different for me. By giving me to Granny, I was able to conquer things the generations before me didn’t really have the opportunity to do. And, as I have grown stronger in my faith, it has become more and more apparent that God has been camped out around me my entire life. He timed your heavy addiction to take place after you gave birth. He supplied Granny with the strength to be the mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother we all needed her to be. He had a timeline of events planned out for me to get to this very moment that I’m at today. I can’t honestly say that I have forgiven you completely, but I can say I’m on the road to recovery because I can sit here and look at you without feeling the rage that I once did. You have caused me pain that you couldn’t possibly realize. I just refuse to believe that you would be evil and selfish or that you would knowingly do it. Do I believe that you know you caused me pain? Absolutely, I do, I just don’t think you know how deep the pain goes. But, I cannot allow it to continue to keep the power over me. I have got to let it go and take over the power of me. When I think back over our relationship, there are two instances in which you had the opportunity to show me that I meant something to you. Opportunities where you could have been the loving mother that comforted her child that was hurting. But you didn’t. The first time was when you showed up at Granny’s house in the middle of the night with Mama San. Without saying a word, you swiftly hugged me and then walked right by me as if I was invisible. The other was when you walked out of the hospital doors and left me standing in the middle of the emergency room floor, in tears, seconds after the doctor informed me that Granny was about to pass away. And yes, I know she w
as your Grandmother, but she was my Mama in addition to being my great-grandmother. You didn’t even call to see if she lived through the night, how I was doing, or nothing. I’m sure it was scary for you, but, how do you think I felt? She was all I had.” As Tiffany was pressing through her tears and anxiety and releasing some of her deepest thoughts to her mother, she watched her mother release a river of tears and rock as if she was in May’s old rocking chair.

  “Before I go, I want to give you something. I have been seeing a counselor. I have come to realize that some things you just can’t handle on your own no matter how hard you try. My emotions just became too overwhelming. They started to show up outwardly in places and situations I didn’t even realize. My counselor gave me an assignment one day to write a letter to the person I was most angry with. So, I wrote to you. Before you read it, if you read it, know that I am in a much better place than I was when I sat down to write it. But I want you to know that it is full of raw emotion. In my heart, I know we will never have the mother/daughter relationship I always wanted, and I’m ok with that now. I am grown and there are no do-overs in life. But you do have grandchildren and it’s not too late for them. But me, being the mother that I am, I will protect them at all costs from dangers seen and unseen. With that being said, until you are clean and sober and attending regular NA meetings, I won’t allow you to come in and out of their lives like you did with me. I will never speak negatively about you to them because as they get older, it is something they will see on their own. And know that this is not me being vindictive towards you, it’s a mother protecting her children as she should.” After those words left her lips, Tiffany leaned over with tears still streaming down her face, hugged her mother, and softly said, “I love you.” She stood and removed the white envelope from her purse and handed to her mother. Then, just as gracefully as she walked through the doors, she walked out.

  Upon her return home, she went straight to her room, shut the door, and fell into Chris’ arms and cried like a motherless child in her father’s arms. Without asking any questions, Chris held her and rocked her until she saw fit to speak on what had just transpired in her life. He was worried, but at the same time, was relieved that she came to him instead of bearing the burden on her own as she had in the past. When Tiffany got herself together she explained to her husband what she had just experienced with her mother. Chris asked her if she was second guessing her decision to go see her mother. What she said was proof of her growth. “I have never been satisfied with me. I can’t remember not searching for something real to fill the voids of what I felt I was missing. I was looking for something deeper than what I saw and felt. It took me years, but I am now satisfied with just me- the real me and my flaws inside and out. So, to answer your question, no, I actually did something I have been wanting to do for years. I told her how she hurt me. Something I have never had the courage to do. It makes me feel light as a feather. Yet, there is a part of me that doesn’t want her to hurt because of something I said to her. She is my mother and no matter how much she has hurt me or how many times she consumes drugs, I love her.” Tiffany went on to say, “Looking at her in the state she is in right now hurt me and the only thing I can do for her is pray. Today I realized that she only did what she knew to do when it came to being a parent. I hope you don’t take what I say to you the wrong way, Chris, but I think I need to say it. You still have both of your parents and your grandmother and, in my opinion, you take it for granted. Not because it’s intentional, but because you have not suffered a loss. You have the opportunity to call them daily even if only to say hello. You still have the privilege and capability to hug them and say I love you. And, even if you choose to do none of those things, you can sit in silence in the room with them and feel comforted by their presence. Take advantage of the time while you have it because one day that opportunity may not be there. You will think about the day you thought about them and didn’t call or the time you rode down their street and didn’t stop to just say hello. Small things that didn’t take any effort to do is what means the most to them and what will give you the most joy. Don’t miss those moments, Chris.” And without saying a word, he held his wife tighter and she knew he was in agreement.