Undoing

by L. L. Diamond

  Elizabeth reminded herself to focus on Lady Vranes’s comments on the work in front of them. She might as well enjoy as much of London as she could. After today, she had a fortnight before she would be force-marched from London to the isolation of Worthstone. While home held a certain appeal, the lack of company rendered her melancholy. How long would she be on her own? And how would she bear it?

  Elizabeth stood by the side of the dance floor while her husband spoke to some lord or another behind her. He never enjoyed watching the gowns and the people on the floor turn and step the pattern of each and every set while Elizabeth found a certain enjoyment in the graceful lines and movement. With a lack of partners in Meryton, she was occasionally forced to sit out a dance so all the ladies could have an opportunity to enjoy a set. During those times, she had learnt to appreciate the show as well.

  Jane’s hand gripped hers a little tighter. They had only arrived moments ago, so the poor dear was beside herself at the thought of a ball as grand as this one. The hosts, another lord and lady of some title she had no interest in remembering, held this ball annually to celebrate the commencement of parliament, which was why her husband had been so set on attending.

  “Good evening.”

  She and Jane startled and turned at Fitzwilliam’s deep voice from behind her. He stood tall dressed in a fashionable yet understated black suit with his black armband prominently displayed.

  “Mr. Darcy,” she said, curtseying and gripping her free hand into a tight fist. “I hope you are well.”

  “I am, thank you.” He held out a hand next to him. “I hope you remember my cousin, Viscount Carlisle.”

  Elizabeth dipped her head in greeting. “Yes, sir. How are you, my lord?”

  “I am very well.” Carlisle allowed his lips to curve slightly as he bowed. “Pray, would you introduce me to your companion?”

  “She is my sister, Miss Jane Bennet.” Elizabeth leaned a bit closer to her sister. “Jane, this is Viscount Carlisle. You met his mother, Lady Matlock, at Madame Bonheur’s.”

  Jane curtseyed and wore her usual placid smile. “I am pleased to meet you, my lord.”

  The viscount looked to the dance floor where the most recent set now disbanded. “Miss Bennet, are you perchance free to stand up with me?”

  Her sister’s eyes gave a slight flare, she licked her lips, and nodded. “I am.”

  “Would you do me the honour?” Jane placed her hand atop Carlisle’s, and he led her to the line as the next dance formed.

  “He surprised her,” said Elizabeth. “Did you tell him to ask her?”

  “No.” Fitzwilliam stepped forward to stand beside her while they watched the dancers join the line. “He spotted your sister upon entering the ballroom and requested me arrange an introduction. I would have done the duty myself only he became impatient.”

  She could not help her grin. “My mother always says, ‘Jane could not be so beautiful for nothing.’” That low laugh from near her shoulder again filled that familiar aching hole.

  “Carlisle dances but rarely,” said Fitzwilliam, leaning a bit closer, “and I have never seen him so eager to meet a lady.”

  She exhaled audibly, watching Jane blush as she curtseyed to Carlisle’s bow. “I must counsel her to keep this to herself, or Mama will begin predicting their marriage within a se’nnight.”

  “How are you?” Though they were in company, his voice had changed to a softer, more intimate tone. With the music and so many people dancing, the likelihood someone would notice was slim.

  “I am well. The child has quickened. I depart for Worthstone in ten days.”

  He inhaled in one long, even sound. “You will miss your sister greatly. I know you planned to spend a great deal of time with her this Season.” He was correct. She would miss Jane terribly. She had waited so long to spend that time with her beloved sister only to be made to separate from her once more.

  “I shall miss many of the diversions of London. Do you intend to remain much longer?” How she wished he could return with her!

  “Another month. Lady Catherine has decreed we shall spend Easter at Rosings this year. Georgiana and I shall travel to Kent, then back to London for a fortnight before we return home to Pemberley. I do not look forward to the time at my aunt’s. I would have remained in Derbyshire had I not felt I was cheating Georgiana of the masters here. I confess I am greatly anticipating our return home.”

  How tedious this was to carry such a neutral conversation. She did hope he understood her hint that she would miss him.

  “Fitzwilliam!” Her husband emerged from the group where he had spent the last twenty minutes. “Did you come alone? You rarely attend a social function without Carlisle in tow.”

  Fitzwilliam smiled though it was still not as joyful as before his father’s passing. “I believe he drags me along, cousin.”

  Thomas shook Fitzwilliam’s hand. “Too true I believe.” He held out his arm for Elizabeth, which she took lest it appear she was angry with him. She might have lost a great deal of respect for him due to his scheming, and yes, she also held resentment at his officiousness, yet he was still her husband. They were also in a crowded room full of those who would latch onto any discord and promote it for their own selfish reasons. “So, where is Carlisle?”

  “Dancing with Jane,” said Elizabeth, pointedly looking at Jane when she responded. Her sister’s cheeks still held a healthy pink hue while she demurely watched Carlisle out of the corner of her eye.

  Thomas’s eyebrows lifted high. “Carlisle is wearing a ridiculously lost expression, and they have only just met. Perhaps I should raise her fortune?”

  “I would prefer he care more for her than her fortune.” Elizabeth’s lips pressed into a tight line as her eyes met Fitzwilliam’s. “Happiness in marriage is not simply a matter of chance. A couple should be in love.”

  “I do not believe you should have a problem there. He appears half-way in love already.” Thomas chuckled and returned his attention to Fitzwilliam. “I hope you will join us for dinner soon. Elizabeth wishes to return to Worthstone, and as you know, I can deny her nothing. I am certain she would dearly love to visit with Georgiana before she departs.”

  Not exactly the truth, but again, too many people milled about.

  “Georgiana will be eager to spend an evening with both of you. I shall look forward to your invitation.”

  Fitzwilliam disappeared not long after, presumably to check on the colonel, whom they had left in the card rooms. Meanwhile, Carlisle returned Jane and fetched her punch when she was not dancing. He even requested the supper dance upon the conclusion of their first set together, though he also stood up with Elizabeth.

  After supper, Elizabeth begged fatigue, so they departed for Worth House. As soon as Elizabeth entered her bedchamber, she nearly fainted at the sight of Fitzwilliam sitting on her bed.

  “What are you . . .? How?”

  “Before supper, Thomas put me in his carriage, claiming I had overindulged on spirits. Worth House is significantly closer than Darcy House, or so the driver said when he helped me inside. I was shown to a bedchamber and shortly after, your maid brought me through the servants’ passages here.”

  “This is too risky,” said Elizabeth, covering her face with her hands. “I cannot deny that I want you here—more than anything—yet what of our situation. What of Georgiana?”

  “Your maid will wake me before the servants are about so I can remove to my bedchamber. Tomorrow, I shall depart as any other guest.” He stood and pulled her into his arms. It was so difficult not to sink into him—not to breathe in the scent of his cedar-tinged cologne combined with that unique part that was only him. “I have missed you so. I only want to hold you in my arms for what time we have. I am more likely to be caught sneaking back now than in the middle of the night.”

  “I suppose.” Her arms wrapped around his waist. “I have missed you dreadfully, yet I worry for our exposure. My sister would not understand.”

 
“Do you expect her?”

  “No, she knows I begged to depart due to exhaustion. Carlisle danced a second time with her. Does she have reason to hope?”

  “He has never danced a second at a ball with the same lady. I would expect him to call.” He rubbed his hands down her sides and grasped her hips. “Turn around. I am your abigail tonight.”

  She laughed while she turned in place. “You are a rather handsome abigail. I have never seen one so tall or wearing trousers.” He had shed his topcoat, his waistcoat, and his cravat before her entrance. His dishabille only made him appear manlier.

  Her gown loosened, and she helped him remove it, laying it across a chair with her stays following suit. He brushed her hair once it was free from the pins and ran his fingers through her long curls. “Your hair is lovely. Pray do not cut it.”

  “Lalande trims the ends when they require it, but I do not want it too short. My sister Mary keeps hers just below her shoulders, and it looks very pretty when styled. I simply prefer mine longer.”

  When they finally climbed into bed, he drew the chemise over her head and tossed it on the floor. “I know you are tired. I only want to see you and hold you close.” He had shed what remained of his own clothes before he laid down.

  He trailed his fingers along her breasts before resting his palm on the swell that was his child. “You have changed so much.”

  “We have discussed that my breasts are larger. I have needed to order new gowns. I do not believe I mentioned that they ache too.”

  “Your nipples are darker.”

  “Are they?” She rolled to her back and looked down, trying to discern if there was truly a change.

  He kissed one and reached up to press his lips to hers. “Yes, but it is slight.” His fingers began to trail soft circles over the babe while he moved down and touched his lips just above her navel. “I love you, little one. I should not be here as often as I would like, yet never doubt my feelings for you or your mother.”

  Tears welled in her eyes and stung mercilessly. He rested his head against her abdomen while his eyes held hers and her fingers trailed up and down his back. “What does it feel like when he moves?”

  “A very light flutter—like a butterfly’s wings. I almost did not recognise it for what it was when it finally happened.”

  “My mother found herself ill early on with Georgiana.”

  “I felt poorly. I was sick a few times, but nothing too arduous. The journey here did not help one bit. However, now that the sickness has waned, my stamina is better, and I am also hungrier than I was. The midwife also said I would have a greater appetite for marital relations.” Her face burnt during the confession.

  He drew up on his elbows. “And do you?”

  She concentrated on where her fingernail scratched the bedsheet instead of looking at him as she nodded. “I have missed you so dreadfully. I suppose I also desire that connection.”

  Fitzwilliam crawled over her, lifting her face so they were eye to eye. “You no longer fear my constancy?”

  A warm tear landed upon her cheek which she swiftly wiped away. “I fear you abandoning me due to our hopeless situation. None of this is easy—especially for you.”

  He touched his forehead to hers and his chest heaved. “I do find this arduous, yet you have it no easier. My affection for you is not so trifling or inconstant, though I confess seeing you carry our child is more painful than I could have imagined. I want so much to drag you away, so I can be with you both—so he will know I am really his father.”

  She reached to kiss him, to convey every bit of her heart with every movement of her lips. “I love you. You are this child’s father. You always will be, regardless of what society believes.”

  He carefully covered her and deepened the kiss while one of his hands cupped her breast.

  “Careful. They hurt.”

  She ached for him more than she ever had in the past. This one night would likely have to carry her through to her confinement since she had no idea when they would see one another again. Her hands dug into his shoulders as that same hand abandoned her breast and slid between her legs. Her fingernails dug small crescents into his skin, and she moaned.

  “You are so warm.”

  “I need you so much.” She reached down to guide him toward her core. “I need you to love me.”

  When he slipped home, they both groaned and started rocking with one another, their gazes locked and holding steady. How was this so much more fulfilling than before? Was it merely the effect of the babe or had missing him made her more sensitive to his touch, his smell, his mere presence? Another warm tear landed upon her cheek, this one trickling down her temple and into her hair. Fitzwilliam brushed his lips along that damp trail and pressed his forehead to hers.

  “I shall always love you, Lizzy. Do not ever doubt me. I shall love you until I die.”

  February 27th 1810

  Worth House

  London

  My dearest Fitzwilliam,

  I must depart London in the morning, yet how I wish to stay and have more time with you! The past month has passed far too swiftly and too little time was spent in your embrace to satisfy me. I do not know, however, if all of the time in the world would appease me. We can stand in the same room, and I want naught but to be in your arms. ’Tis useless to deny. I can control my feelings no more than I can control the movements of our babe in my womb.

  I am indebted to Lalande, Colin, and Thomas for arranging our night together, which must keep me contented until we can see one another again.

  Do not doubt that a part of my heart remains with you. You claimed it from nearly the first moment of our acquaintance, capturing me with those crystal blue eyes and your caring soul. In the past year, I have learnt every emotion you feel is with your entire being and is conveyed through your expressive eyes. Though you do your best to mask your emotions, your love for me and our child shines from them when you look at us. I know you too well. I see what you try to hide from the rest of the world. I see you.

  If you and Georgiana can journey to Worthstone for the summer, you would be most welcome. My dear aunt is with child herself and is unable to travel for my lying-in, my sister will be home (unless your cousin claims her first). Thomas was kind enough to offer for Jane to journey and remain at Worthstone with me for a time, but she receives your cousin’s attentions with pleasure. I do not wish to remove her when she may find her heart’s desire is indeed Carlisle. I cannot deny her what I would want with all my heart if I had the same opportunity.

  I will not invite my mother—no matter how much she cajoles me to do otherwise.

  I know it will be difficult, but I ache for you to be near. I do understand if it is more than you can bear.

  With all my love,

  Lizzy

  Chapter 16

  March 28th 1810

  Gracechurch Street

  London

  My dear Lizzy,

  How much has occurred since you departed nearly a month ago! As you know from my last letter, I remained in London with my uncle and aunt, who wrote to father and requested my continued presence. You must help me believe all that has happened, for I still have difficulty crediting what has occurred for myself.

  Before I returned to Gracechurch Street, Viscount Carlisle called upon me several times as did one other gentleman who I met at the same ball. I did not confess to you at the time, but for some reason, I felt unfaithful to the viscount by allowing the other gentleman to call. I am not certain why I felt as I did on such a trifling acquaintance, yet I did.

  The other gentleman ceased his calls once I removed to Aunt and Uncle’s home—thank goodness! Perhaps he felt Gracechurch street below him, though Viscount Carlisle did not. He has continued to call, Lizzy!

  He is everything a gentleman should be. He is handsome and kind, and I enjoy his conversation. He is livelier than me, but I do not mind. He brings roses when he comes, he takes me on walks in the park, and he has planned excursions w
ith aunt and uncle. We shall attend the theatre this evening.

  I must thank you for inviting me, even if for just a few weeks. For had not you and your obliging husband allowed it, Viscount Carlisle would not have expressed his intention to court me last night after dinner. I can scarce believe it! I asked Aunt to pinch me after he departed. Lizzy, I am so happy!

  Elizabeth wiped the tears from her face as she folded the missive. All she had ever hoped was Jane and her sisters marry for love, so why was she weeping like a babe when she should be celebrating her sister’s happiness?

  April 14th 1810

  Longbourn

  Hertfordshire

  Dear Lizzy,

  Have you heard the news of our dear Jane? Oh, I am beside myself with such flutterings and nerves I do not know what to do. I have insisted upon travelling to London to help Jane ensnare this viscount who is courting her, but your father adamantly refuses to allow it. He will not give me the carriage or even the funds to travel by post! You must write to him and tell him how much Jane needs my aid. Your aunt is a lovely woman, yet she will not push Jane along as I shall. You must see that! I know he will listen to you.

  While we are indebted to your aunt and uncle for allowing Jane to remain, I am appalled at your departure from London—and without your husband! Jane indicated in her latest correspondence how you abandoned him while he remained for the House of Lords. He is such an important man, so you must have displeased him in some fashion. He requires an heir, Lizzy. You cannot become with child when you live separately. Oh, what am I to do with you? I am certain you have disgraced us somehow, and Jane’s suitor will abandon her. You ungrateful child!

  Now, you must return to London post haste! I care not for your excuses. Do as I say, child. I know what is best for all of you. Besides, now that Jane looks to be so advantageously wed, you must invite Mary and introduce her to rich men as well. She certainly will not attract a duke, but a gentleman would do quite well.

  Your mother,