by Angel Devlin
I pulled his pint and a smile ghosted over my lips. "We're not going on a date."
"Yes, we are. It's almost Christmas. You can't turn me down so near to Christmas. I'll be miserable at dinner with my family and that will upset my mother and it'll be all your fault, so you see, you need to say yes to a date with me, so that my mum stays happy over the festive season."
I passed him his drink. "You're such a dork," I told him.
"Yes, but am I a dork with a date?" He raised a brow.
"Fine. But only because I don't want your mother's misery on my conscience." I answered, smiling a genuine smile I’d not worn for a long, long time.
On our first date we explored the town's festive markets. He bought me a turkey and cranberry sauce sandwich and we went for a beer in the open-air pub. Dale grabbed hold of my hand as we looked at all the handmade crafts in the little pop-up shops, saying it was only because I didn't have gloves and he wanted to keep my hand warm.
And slowly, Dale managed to thaw my cold heart.
Though Ezra was always there inside. Just a tiny piece somewhere lying along the bottom, causing an occasional irregular beat. Just to remind me he'd not entirely gone.
Ezra had not returned home. He'd done that movie and several more. He'd moved to main character roles and theatre runs. He was a superstar. Geoff stuck a photo of him on the wall of the pub, 'the local lad done good'. It was hard to forget someone whose face was presented to you every single day, when at times trade was slow and you were left with your imagination.
One where you appeared on the red carpet alongside the main man.
Over the next year though, Ezra became a distant memory and I wondered if perhaps what I'd done was create a fantasy character in my head. With Dale I had a real-life relationship that only got stronger. I could feel myself falling in love with him. It had taken him a long while to reach my heart, but he'd been patient. One summer night we'd been lying in bed, almost eighteen months after our first date and the words just spilled out.
"Dale?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
He'd leapt on me. Pulled me into his arms and made love to me while declaring his love to me over and over again while worshipping every part of my body.
Two years on from our first date, on the 18 December 2016, Dale proposed to me in the middle of the Christmas market.
I said yes.
A shiny diamond solitaire adorned my finger and we agreed we'd marry in the summer of 2018. That in the new year, we'd begin to organise our big day.
I remember standing in the bar on Christmas Eve, feeling the happiest I'd felt in years. Life was fantastic. I was spending Christmas Day with my future in-laws and we were doing Boxing Day with mine. Talk would be of the wedding. I started thinking of children as my sister-in-law Bron was now expecting my second niece or nephew.
And then Ezra Waite walked into the bar with his family like the Grinch who stole Christmas.
His eyes met mine and my heart remembered.
That tiny piece scratching from deep, deep down.
Let me out. I remember. I remember.
"Hey."
One simple word. We'd not spoken in years and all he said was, 'hey'.
"Hello. What can I get you to drink?" Inside I was in pieces, but I managed to remain outwardly calm and civil.
He gave me the order for himself and the family members that were with him.
"How've you been?" he said.
"Let's not do this, Ezra. If you were interested in how I was, you wouldn't have moved to the states and cut off all contact would you?"
"I thought it was for the best," he said.
"It was. I moved on too. So don't ask me how I've been and just go sit with your family."
I passed a glass over and the light caught my diamond.
"Oh. Y- you're engaged?"
"Yes."
There was a pause. A pause where I saw Ezra’s jaw tighten.
"When's the wedding?"
"Does it matter?"
"I think it does actually," he said through gritted teeth.
"Ezra!" Geoff walked over to him from the other side of the bar and hugged him tightly. "His first pint's on me," he told me before asking him how he was and how he'd been.
My knuckles went white as I gripped the edge of the bar. What the fuck did Ezra mean? 'I think it does'. He had no right to feel anything about the news of my engagement. We were nothing to each other. He lived in America, I lived here, and I was happy and in love with a guy called Dale. Marriage and babies were in my future. Oscars and Baftas in Ezra's.
I was in the bar on December 27th. Dale and I had shared an amazing Christmas, full of love and hope for the new year where we'd set in concrete the plans for the summer of 2018.
But Ezra Waite stepped through the wet concrete and ruined everything.
"Is that Ezra Waite sitting in the corner or are my eyes deceiving me?" Dale said as he sat on a barstool to the side of where I was serving. He did that now and again. Called in for a pint and sat nearby while I worked. Geoff didn't mind. He liked Dale, and if we got busy Dale would start collecting glasses and make himself useful.
"Yeah, he's home for Christmas."
His eyes had been searing into me since he'd first sat there. Now he was positively glaring over. For an actor, he wasn't doing much to disguise his hostility towards my fiancé.
Then he walked over to be served.
"Pint please, Lissy."
Lissy. What the actual fuck? He had NEVER called me that and yet here he just said it, a verbal attack. A clear 'I know her so intimately I gave her a nickname'. Two could play at that.
"My name's Lisa, not Lissy. You’ve forgotten, but then it has been a long time since we saw you around these parts so I'll let you off. This is my fiancé, Dale. Dale, this is Ezra Waite."
"Great to meet you, Ezra." Dale beamed at him. "I've seen a couple of your movies. Loved them."
"Thanks. I've not seen you around here before, though like Lisa said, it's been a while since I was home. You live around here? Just wondering how you two met?"
"I work in the computer shop next to the supermarket. Lisa played hard to get with me for a long time, but I got there eventually. I can't wait to make her my wife."
"I bet. She's a beautiful woman. She tell you we used to date?"
"What?"
I turned to Dale. If I wasn't at work, Ezra would be wearing a pint and glass shards. The expression on Dale’s face was one of complete shock.
"No. I didn't tell him because it wasn't important. We had a few dates when we were younger. I've dated a few people besides you, you know." I turned to Dale. "Ezra was my brother's best friend, so although we went on a couple of dates, we didn't tell anyone. Then he went to the US to become a superstar and that was that. We're very proud of our local superstar." I grinned at Ezra, hoping the loathing I felt for him right now was seeping out of my eyes and into him, despite my smile. "So how long are you back for before you disappear off to your amazing career again?"
"I go back after New Year. We'll have to catch up. I need to go see George and Bron and that cute son of theirs I've not cuddled yet."
"You've missed a lot. Life moves on quickly. Jackson is two now and Bron's having another, you know? I'm going to be an auntie again."
Our conversation seemed friendly, a catch up against old times, but our tone held an edge, mine clearly warning that he'd been gone and we'd not stopped living while Ezra lived the high life.
"Oh that's amazing news. I must stop by and see him for definite. Perhaps your mum would cook a family dinner and we could all get together before I leave?"
"My mum and dad are in Tenerife and anyway, Dale and I have our own plans for the new year."
"Actually, we're spending New Year’s Eve with George and Bron. They're coming to ours. Why don't you come as a surprise?" Dale suggested like it was the best idea ever. Clearly the thought of a Hollywood superstar coming over to help bring the new yea
r in was irresistible to him.
"That would be fabulous. You sure you don't mind? I wouldn't be in the way? I mean it's couples, and I have no significant other."
Dangerous words sent as a clear message.
I.
Have.
No.
Significant.
Other.
No, but I do, Ezra. You need to accept that. I tried to communicate with him through my eyes and thoughts.
Let me be. Please. But I felt like I was walking through ground with hidden landmines, not standing behind a bar.
"Not at all. Feel free to bring someone of course, but no pressure either way. Have you got notes on your mobile? I'll give you our address."
Ezra took down the details and grabbed hold of his pint.
"I'll see you then. Looking forward to it," he said, and with a smug and satisfied smile he walked back to his family.
"You sly thing, not saying you dated a movie star. It would be the first thing I said to anyone." Dale’s eyes twinkled.
I shrugged. "Like I said, no one knew, and can we keep it that way? My brother never knew. He'd have killed Ezra for taking his baby sister out on a date."
Dale mimed zipping across his lips.
"Can't believe a famous actor is coming for dinner. It will be a lovely surprise for your brother too."
"Yeah." I smiled at Dale. His face was a perfect picture of innocence. His thoughts that of making my brother happy, because he was an extension of me, and all Dale wanted was to make me happy.
Leaning across the bar, I kissed him. I wasn't supposed to do that while I was at work, but I didn't care. My kiss thanked him for what he was and at the same time apologised for the fact that small part of my heart still beat for Ezra. And for the fact that after I broke off our kiss, my eyes met Ezra's across the bar.
His narrowed gaze told me everything I didn't want to know.
That this was eating him up inside.
He was not happy.
He still had feelings for me.
And now he was coming to dinner.
It felt like the last supper, not a happy new year.
Chapter Seven
Ezra
Alice had been quiet in her room when I'd got home last night. I wasn't sure if she was sleeping, but she clearly wanted to be alone in any case, so I made my own way to bed. My body remaining in the wrong time zone meant I only got a few hours sleep, but it was enough to get up and start the day at eight am UK time. Although I had no doubt that I’d be tired today, I needed to get myself on track.
This morning I would find a doctor who could see Alice and then later Jules was coming to talk with her. Something Alice didn't know yet. I'd been up for an hour-and-a-half and was enjoying a second, strong black coffee when she made her way downstairs.
"Morning, Ezra," she said hesitantly.
This was unusual. We were alone in a small space. I couldn't give her money and dismiss her here.
"Do you want a drink? The kettle just boiled."
She nodded, "I'll go make it."
I got up from the sofa and followed her through into the kitchen. "Jules would like to come to see you today. She has questions."
Alice turned and stopped what she was doing, taking a seat at the table. "I didn't expect that. I thought she'd be like Milo. Wanting to stay as far away from me as possible. To be expected really from the younger ones. They'd wonder why I stayed to let you and Silas grow up and not them."
"She has questions. Maybe because you did that? I don't know. I didn't ask her. She did however ask me to stay present while you two chat and so I'll be doing that."
"I understand." She worried at her bottom lip. "Why did you never ask me how I ended up leaving?"
"Because I didn't care. You left. End of story."
She smiled but it wavered on her lips. "So I left you, and you just carried on as if your life was normal and you didn't give a shit?"
"No, you left. I began my descent into destruction and a guy in my drama class told me not to let the past define me but to use it to channel into my performances."
"Wow, there's one for your Oscar speech."
"Like I'd ever thank you for anything. I'm going to go back to my room and make some calls so I can arrange for a doctor to see you."
"Okay. I'll get some breakfast and have a shower and then wait for your next instructions either about the doctor or Juliet. I'll be in my room reading."
"You do that," I said tersely. I was going to be hearing her story whether I wanted to or not as she sat with Jules.
It made me uncomfortable to think that what she had to say had the potential to change the feelings I’d carried around with me about her for so long. So I left and went upstairs and busied myself in telephone enquiries to distract myself.
Money gets you anywhere. I found a doctor who suspended all that day’s appointments just to deal with my mother and we met him in a room at a private hospital where he sat and explained the tests and scans he would do there.
My mother had passed him a sheaf of papers about her care.
"Thanks for these. We'll do the tests. I'll look at these and then we'll take it from there."
"I'm untreatable, but my son would feel better if it's confirmed by a British doctor," Mum declared. "He's finding it hard to believe."
The doctor looked at us both, his head nodding in sympathy. "I understand. It's hard to accept a terminal diagnosis. You're very fortunate that your son can afford to get you the best possible care whatever the outcome, but he's bound to always look for a chance of a successful one. You never know, we may have some trials in the U.K. you could be eligible for."
I turned to Alice, but she shook her head. "It's too late for me, but I'm willing to do whatever tests are necessary to get my family to accept the truth of my prognosis."
"Well, that is something we shall get underway today," the doctor said in a soft tone. "Now, if you'd like to take a seat back in the waiting room, someone will be through shortly to take you to the private room we've allocated for you. From there they will do your blood tests and then someone will collect you for your scans."
And that was it. The investigations were underway and the truth would soon be confirmed.
Jules texted me to say she'd be around that evening, which was perfect. We'd be home by then, the truth known.
When the doctor called to Alice's room later that afternoon, I could tell by the downturn of his mouth and the regret in his eyes that she'd been telling the truth.
He confirmed everything.
"You have epithelial ovarian cancer and it’s stage 4B. It has spread to your spleen and your lungs. We will assign you a community palliative care nurse until such time as we agree you'd be better placed in hospice care. Try to do some gentle exercise. It works to help fight the fatigue. Your abdominal scan showed no evidence of ascites so that's good."
"What's that?" I asked. Alice no doubt already knew all this, but I didn't and I needed to be able to provide answers to the rest of my family.
"It's a collection of fluid in the tummy area caused by ovarian cancer. It can cause symptoms such as nausea, shortness of breath, indigestion. It can be drained here at the hospital as a day case."
"Right."
"I understand this is a lot to take in. I'm going to give you some leaflets to take away with you and you can call me with any questions. Now, I noticed your legs were just slightly swollen, Alice, so the exercise will help that. Please keep them elevated. If they worsen you need to let us know."
Alice nodded.
"What's the prognosis, Dr Ackburn? How long is she likely to have?"
"At this moment that's unclear. A terminal diagnosis can be days, months, years. At the moment things appear quite stable, so we can take it as not being days at least. We'll keep a close eye on you, Alice, and keep you as comfortable as possible as things progress."
We thanked the doctor and made our way back.
"Do you feel better now you know I was tel
ling the truth?" Alice asked from the back of the taxi.
"Yes, actually. I feel like I can at least know you're not bullshitting everyone in some weird attempt to reunite with your family."
"This isn't for me. It's for them. To give them closure," she said.
Before I'd have scoffed, but since Alice had been speaking the truth since she'd arrived back in Willowfield, this time I actually believed her.
But I would remain cautious because she'd pulled the rug from under me before and I still bore the bruises.
Juliet's fingers twiddled with the skull pendant hung around her neck as she walked into my house. "Is she in there?" she whispered, pointing to the door to the living room.
I nodded.
"Okay." She took a deep exhale and then she pushed open the door and walked inside.
Our mother stood up to greet her and they both stood there awkwardly, me behind them in this small space.
"Does anyone want a drink?" I asked.
"I'll take a glass of water please, Ezra," Jules said and my mother asked for the same. I poured myself a whiskey. A large one. It might have only been early evening, but this had been one hell of a couple of days and I was only surprised I'd not emptied the bottle before now.
When I returned with the drinks I sat beside Jules on the sofa. Alice had taken the armchair.
"Okay, so I get this is weird as fuck, but just talk, Jules. Ask something and let's get this done." My delivery of my lines was clumsy, but this was no stage performance, it was real life: raw, awkward, and unknown.
"How did you go from being our loving mother to a drug user who abandoned us? That's my first question. Might be my last one too," Jules asked succinctly.
I took another large slug of my whisky and sat back to listen.
Alice took a slow sip of her water and began to speak.
"Your dad and I dated from being young. We married young, had kids young. I loved being pregnant with you all. Loved watching you all grow up, even though it was hard work having six kids. You'd bring a drawing home from school and it'd be a chaotic drawing of family life, but it was us. But as the years went on, the family drawings changed. Your dad wouldn't be in them. The building firm was getting busier and he was having to spend more time working. He'd come home, eat, help with bath time and then he'd go sit in the living room because he'd worked hard all day and needed some time to himself. I’d be in the kitchen getting the packed lunches made and the dinner prepared for the next day. Mornings would be chaos as I made sure you had everything you needed."