The Reality Slap

by Russ Harris

  So what are values, exactly? They are your heart’s deepest desires for how you want to behave as a human being; they are the qualities you want to bring to your ongoing actions. They are different to goals in that goals can be completed or achieved, ticked off the list and finished, whereas values are ongoing until the day you die.

  If you’re a little confused by this concept, you’re not alone. We live in a goal-focused society, not a values-focused one. Indeed, often when people use the word ‘values’ they are really talking about rules or goals, so let me clarify the difference. Values are about how you want to behave, while goals are about what you want to get. If you want to get a great job, buy a big house, find a partner, get married or have kids: these are all goals. They can be ticked off the list: ‘Done!’ Values, in contrast, are how you want to behave every step of the way as you move towards your goals; how you want to behave when you achieve your goals; and how you want to behave when you don’t achieve your goals!

  For example, if your values are to be loving, kind and caring, then you can behave in these ways right now and forever — even if you never achieve the goal of finding a partner or having kids. And, of course, you could achieve those goals of having a partner and kids, but neglect to be kind, loving and caring. Similarly, if in the workplace your values are to be productive, efficient, sociable, attentive and responsible, you can behave in these ways right now, even if your job ‘totally sucks’. And, you could have a great job, but neglect all those aforementioned values.

  Now suppose you want to be loved or respected: are those values? No, they are goals! They are all about trying to get something — in this case trying to get love or respect from others. Your values are how you want to behave as you pursue those goals, regardless of whether you achieve them or not. Now if you want to be loving or respectful, those are values; they are desired qualities of behaviour and we can act lovingly or respectfully to ourselves or to others whenever we choose to. But to be loved or respected are goals (or ‘wants’ or ‘needs’) and they are out of our control; we can’t make someone love us or respect us. In fact, the more we try to make someone love us or respect us, the less likely they are to do so! But if we act lovingly and respectfully towards ourselves and others, there’s a good chance we will be loved and respected in return. (No guarantees, of course; unlike fairytales, life doesn’t always give us a happy ending.)

  What about rules, then? How do we distinguish rules from values? Well, rules can usually be identified by words such as ‘right’, ‘wrong’, ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘should’, ‘shouldn’t’, ‘have to’, ‘must’ and ‘ought’. Rules tell you how to live your life: the right and wrong way of doing things. Values do not do this; values simply describe the qualities you wish to bring to your ongoing behaviour. So ‘Thou shalt not kill’ is not a value; it is a rule. It tells you what you should and shouldn’t do; what is right and wrong. The values underneath this rule are caring (for human life) and respect (for human life).

  Of course, we can use our values to help set rules that guide us, but we do need to be clear that they are not one and the same thing. Values give us a sense of freedom because there are so many different ways in which we can act on them. In contrast, rules often give us a sense of restriction or obligation; they often weigh us down and limit our options. Suppose we help someone out because we’re consciously in touch with our values: we wish to be kind and generous. Now compare this to helping someone out because we’re fused with rigid rules: ‘it’s the right thing to do’, or we ‘should do it’, or we ‘owe them’, or we ‘are obliged to’. The former approach tends to be freeing and energising; the latter is often restrictive, draining and burdensome.

  Values, goals and rules are all very important and we can make good use of all of them in our lives — but we do need to keep in mind their differences, as we use them in different ways for different ends. For example, we can use our values to set goals, to guide our actions, and to help us create useful rules (such as ethics and morals and codes of conduct).

  So what has all this got to do with the reality gap? Well, once we have dropped anchor, we need to take action; to stand for something in the face of all our pain. There is no fulfilment to be found in giving up. So when life asks us the question: ‘What will you stand for?’ we can find the answer in our values: ‘I will stand for being the person I truly want to be; I will stand for acting on what matters, deep in my heart.’ And through this response, we infuse our life with purpose. We give ourselves something to live for. We give life meaning.

  If this still doesn’t make much sense to you, or you get the concept but you’re not quite sure what your own values actually are . . . then, yes, you guessed it, that’s normal. So in the next chapter, there’s a little exercise for you, which I’m pretty sure will make it all clear. In the meantime, reflect further on the list of big questions on page 132 and see if there’s any link between the answers you come up with and these words of the British scientist, Sir Humphry Davy:

  Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of

  little things, in which smiles, and kindnesses, and small

  obligations, given

  habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure

  comfort.

  Chapter 15

  PURPOSE AND PAIN

  Life is both kind and cruel; it doles out both wonder and dread in generous serves. In my years as a GP, I met many people who had suffered terribly in life. I saw children disfigured by fire and babies with fatal diseases. I saw strong capable adults reduced to invalids and brilliant minds wiped away by dementia. I saw bodies misshaped and deformed through all manner of injury — the victims of violence and disaster. I saw refugees from foreign lands, struggling to rebuild their lives after rape and torture, or struggling to start again after losing most of their family. I saw the freshly bereaved, howling in their anguish; distraught mothers clutching their still-born babies. I saw men with weeping sores and blistering skin, and women with broken bones and bleeding arteries. I saw the blind, the deaf and the paralysed, the seriously ill and the newly deceased.

  And in the midst of all this pain, I saw courage, kindness and compassion. I saw people reaching out and helping each other; families bonding through crisis; friends and neighbours holding each other’s hands. I saw men and women facing death with dignity; love and affection pouring from broken hearts. I saw parents slowly rebuilding shattered lives, finding the strength within to persist and grow.

  It never ceases to amaze me that in the midst of great pain we find great passion. A terrible crisis frequently brings out the best in us. It prompts us to open our hearts and search within — to reach inside and discover what we are made of.

  Now, obviously, none of us likes or wants a reality gap. Indeed, the greater it is, the more intensely we dislike it, and the more desperately we want to get rid of it. But we can all make a choice about how we respond to it, and at times of great crisis many of us surprise ourselves. We may doubt ourselves or blame ourselves, but still rise bravely to the occasion and discover courage and strength in abundant supply.

  Sadly, many of us only find these inner resources when reality knocks us over and stamps on our head. So why wait until that happens? Why not get in touch with our hearts right now and get clear about what we want to stand for in life, so we can align our actions to a chosen purpose? That way, when the reality gap opens wide (and it will) we can be prepared for it. This preparation is important, because when we have a strong sense of purpose in life, it is easier to make peace with a reality gap and make room for the pain that goes with it; it enables us to find vitality through taking meaningful action, despite all the pain. Without a sense of purpose, we can easily give up on life when the pain gets too great; we lose hope, ‘fall into a heap’ or put our life on hold. But if we take the time to infuse our life with meaning, we are far less likely to give up on it when the going gets tough.

  Now as I mentioned earlier, when I ask m
y clients about meaning, purpose or values, they commonly become anxious, confused or go blank. At that point, I often take them through an exercise called ‘The Sweet Spot’, which was created by one of my mentors, the brilliant psychologist Kelly Wilson. I invite you now to try a simplified version of this exercise.

  The Sweet Spot

  First, retrieve a memory — it could be a recent one, or one from the distant past — which encapsulates some of life’s sweetness for you. (Yes, even though life serves up much sorrow and pain, it also serves up much that is rich and sweet.) This memory does not have to be dramatic. It could be something momentous, such as skiing in the Swiss Alps, hiking through the Himalayas, holding your newborn baby in your arms, or having mad passionate sex with the love of your life. Or it could also be something as simple as sitting in a café and reading the paper while sipping your freshly brewed coffee, or riding your bike through the park on a sunny afternoon, or playing tennis with a friend, or reading a book on a beach, or having a hug with a loved one, or playing your favourite music. Literally anything that captures a taste of life’s richness will do.

  Now close your eyes and make that memory as vivid as possible, as if it is happening here and now. See if you can tap right into the sweetness; to drink it in and let it flow through you; to appreciate the fullness of life as it was in that moment. And you may well find as you do this, that the sweetness of this memory is mixed with pain. You may encounter some sadness, longing or regret. This is hardly surprising, because whatever we hold precious will usually bring us pain. So as you engage with this memory, be open and make room for all that arises: the sweetness and the sorrow; the pleasure and the pain.

  When you reach the end of this paragraph, put the book down, straighten your spine, let your shoulders drop and push your feet gently on to the floor. Close your eyes and take a few slow, deep breaths. Once you are calm and centred, relive your chosen memory in vivid detail. Take at least a minute or two, or longer if you wish. And as you relive this memory, look around inside it and explore it and notice what you can see, hear, touch, taste and smell. And really savour that sweetness — really let yourself feel it, and as you do so, make room for all that arises.

  ***

  So how did you find that? Did you find it enjoyable? Did sadness or other painful emotions arise? If so, did you open up and make room for them? That was actually just the first part of the exercise. The second part is to go back into that memory, take a good look at yourself and:

  Notice, inside that memory, what are you doing?

  Notice, inside that memory, how are you behaving?

  Notice, inside that memory, what personal qualities you are exhibiting?

  Notice, inside that memory, the nature of your relationship with whatever activity you are doing: are you connected or disconnected; engaged or disengaged?

  Notice, inside that memory, how are you treating yourself, others, and the world around you?

  Then ponder the following questions for at least a few minutes:

  What does this reveal about the personal qualities you’d like to embody?

  What does this suggest about the way you’d ideally like to behave?

  The Three C’s

  From an ACT perspective, there is no such thing as a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ value. For example, suppose you wish to be loving, caring, spontaneous, generous, supportive, sensual or forgiving: those values are not ‘right’ in any objective sense. Your social group may well judge your values and if the consensus is that they are ‘good’ they are then called ‘virtues’. But values themselves can’t be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, any more than our taste in pizza, ice-cream or wine can be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Like our taste in food and drink, our values simply express our preferences: they describe how we wish to behave on an ongoing basis.

  Because of this, no ACT coach or therapist would ever dream of telling you what values to live by — only you can make that choice for yourself. However, I would like to share some information with you in the hope that it might help you clarify what your values are. You see, I’ve questioned thousands of people about their values and, while they come up with dozens of different words, their answers usually fall under three main headings: Connection, Caring and Contribution. And I’m willing to bet that your ‘sweet memory’ involves some or all of these three values. So let me ask you:

  In this memory, are you deeply connected (i.e. engaged or fully present with someone, something or some activity)? Are you connected with another person, or with some miracle of nature, or with some type of food or drink or art or music? Are you connected with some activity: whether it is physical, mental or creative? Are you connected with your body, mind or spirit?

  And within this memory, are you caring about someone, something or some activity? Is your heart wide open? Are you in touch with something that matters to you? Are you expressing concern or affection for yourself or others? Are you treating someone or something as precious or important?

  And in this memory, are you contributing to someone or something? Are you contributing to your own health and happiness? Are you contributing to others and either sup -porting, nurturing, helping or loving them? Are you looking after nature or taking care of the environment? Or are you looking after your body, mind or spirit? Are you creating something for others to appreciate, or contributing to a team, group or community? Are you sharing something special with a loved one? Are you reaching out with kindness, warmth or tenderness? Are you contributing love, enthusiasm, curiosity, courage or creativity?

  ***

  I must confess that I am feeling quite nervous as I write this section of the book. This is because, as I said earlier, in ACT we do not tell you which values to choose, but offer all sorts of exercises to help you clarify your own values. (You’ll find such an exercise in Appendix 3.) Therefore, let me say once again, the three C’s are not the ‘right’ values, or the ‘best’ ones, or the ‘proper’ ones, and there is no need to agree with them or embrace them as your own. However, the three C’s are very common and many people find them useful as a starting point for living life with purpose. (This is why you’ll repeatedly encounter them in virtually all spiritual, religious and personal development pathways, across many societies, in virtually every period of human history.)

  Now obviously there are many human values. (Indeed, you’ll find a list of fifty-eight common values in the aforementioned exercise in Appendix 3!) However, if you look closely, you’ll find that almost all values grow from within the soil of the three C’s. For example, values such as love, compassion, kindness, honesty, intimacy, trust, creativity, authenticity, openness, forgiveness and courage all have their roots in connection, caring and contribution. To help make this clear, let’s take a look at the roots of love.

  The Three Pillars of Love

  When you hear the word ‘love’ what springs to mind? Most people think of it as a feeling: a blissful emotion that floods your heart with joy. But we can also think of love as an action. For example, when we say ‘she is a very loving person’, we are not referring to her feelings, we are referring to the manner in which she acts: her words, her deeds and her gestures. And if we wish to love well — to love anyone or anything, including ourselves — we will need the three C’s to do so.

  For example, consider the love of a parent for a child. If you want to be a loving parent, then feeling love for your child is hardly enough. There are plenty of parents in the world who have feelings of love for their children, but neglect or abuse them. To be a loving parent, you need to act with love.

  You need to connect with your child: to engage with him or her and be psychologically present. (If you are distracted or disengaged and not paying attention, then what message are you sending?)

  And you need to care about your child: to care about his or her health, wellbeing and happiness; to understand his or her fears, passions and dreams, the way he or she sees the world, and his or her hopes for the future. (If you are uncaring, then wh
at message are you sending?)

  You need to contribute to this child: to actively nurture and support him or her; to help and encourage him or her; to soothe and reassure him or her; to give kindness, understanding and affection; to give time, energy and attention. (If you contribute little or nothing, then what message are you sending?)

  Hopefully you can see that connection, caring and contribution are the three pillars of love, not just if we wish to be loving towards a child, but also if we want to be loving towards a partner, a parent, a pet, a project, a friend, a relative, a hobby, an activity, the environment, the planet or ourselves. And if you explore other values in a similar way, again and again you’ll find the three C’s at their root.

  Purpose and Relationships

  Suppose we think of our life as a huge and complex network of relationships: relationships with our body and mind; relation -ships with our family, friends and colleagues; relationships with our work and environment; and so on. If we want to live with purpose — to stand for something that matters — this idea is a very useful starting point. It enables us to let go of unhelpful stories such as ‘Life has no meaning’, or ‘I don’t know what to do with my life’, or ‘Is this all there is?’ Instead, we acknowledge that our life — no matter how wonderful or dreadful it may be — is a rich tapestry of relationships, and our purpose is to make them as good as possible.

  If you agree with this proposition, then here is all you need to do, in any moment, to infuse your life with purpose: choose a relationship that matters and help it to flourish. And what might that involve? You guessed it: connection, caring and contribution. Let’s talk this through.