Even More Pongwiffy Stories

by Kaye Umansky

  ‘I help you find hat later.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  There was a little silence. Together, they watched King Futtout finally disentangle himself from his throne and wander off towards the palace, clutching his box of unwanted medals and moaning a bit. A footman came running out and led him away.

  ‘He voulda been rubbish judge anyway,’ said Hugo.

  ‘He would,’ agreed Pongwiffy. ‘Too scared to say who’s won. No powers of decision.’

  ‘Big royal scaredy cat.’

  ‘Don’t know why we chose him.’

  ‘Zoze medals!’ Hugo gave a sneer. ‘You see zem? Ze pits. Nobody vant vun, I sink. Not me, not you, not no vun.’

  Pongwiffy fumbled in her pocket and brought out a handful of fluff-covered Hoppy Jumpers. They were all stuck together. They didn’t look appetising.

  ‘Want one?’ she said.

  ‘Sure,’ said Hugo. He selected the least fluffy and popped it in his mouth. Pongwiffy stared down at the rest, shrugged, then crammed them in her mouth.

  ‘By the way,’ she said indistinctly. ‘I never did ask. Who was doing what in your team?’

  ‘Me on ze Veights. Dudley on ze Sack Race, Barry and Speks on ze Three-Legged, Rory on ze High Jump, Vernon on ze Egg and Spoon, nobody Tossink ze Caber, Steve and IdentiKit and CopiCat and ze fastest Bat on ze Relay.’

  ‘I’d like to have seen Rory doing the High Jump,’ said Pongwiffy.

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘I wonder how Steve would have coped with the baton? In the Relay? Swallowed it or something?’

  ‘Wound himself round it and rolled,’ said Hugo. ‘I see him practise. He voz gettink quite good. I sink maybe ve vin zat.’

  ‘Maybe. It doesn’t matter now though, does it?’

  Together, they sat quietly chewing, staring around the deserted stadium. It was quite nice really. Peaceful. Companionable. The calm after the storm.

  And then Philpot arrived.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Philpot’s Journey

  You may be wondering what happened to Philpot after Pongwiffy shot out of his life without so much as a goodbye. Well, it’s quite simple. He followed her.

  For once in his short life, Philpot had eaten enough. Being weaned on a diet of pretend medicine, he had a cast-iron stomach. He had tried everything that Sugary Candy’s had to offer. Together, more or less silently, he and his new friend had raided every jar – crunching, slurping, chewing and generally sampling everything except for the blinking eyeballs.

  All that gorging meant that Philpot was full to bursting. The spilled mountains and open jars held no more secrets. He was all done with eating, bursting with energy and more than than ready for something new.

  Finding himself suddenly alone and abandoned, he decided to see where his new friend had gone. Perhaps she was around the corner, hiding behind a tree, waiting to play peek-a-boo with him, like Nana Su-Su. Or even better, Hide and Seek. His eyes sparkled at the thought. He missed Nana Su-Su. He wished she was here now. But she wasn’t, so his new, smelly friend with the pointy head would have to do.

  Trailing his leash, he waded across the sticky, glass-strewn floor and stepped out into the sunshine.

  There was no sign of his new friend. She must be hiding. Ooh, what fun, he would find her.

  Giggling hopefully, he set off along the trail.

  We won’t bother to go into detail here. Philpot’s journey is not that interesting. It goes in fits and starts and it takes a while. He fell down and cried once or twice. A bush scratched him. He saw a stone he liked but got bored with carrying it. At one point, he found a stick and waved it around a bit. Then he remembered his new friend and toddled on.

  You may be wondering how he knew which way to go. It was the smell. Simple as that. Pongwiffy is nothing if not easy to trace.

  At one point, Philpot found her hat. He picked it up and tried it on, but it was too small so he dropped it in the mud and stepped on it before moving on.

  And so it went on.

  The main event in Philpot’s journey was probably the mob. He was quite surprised when he came face to face with that. He wasn’t expecting a rampaging mob to come charging at him at all. He stood his ground, though. He stood swaying on his tree trunk legs, frowning a bit, waiting to see what the mob would do. He might be only a baby, but he was a big one.

  The mob consisted of a motley assortment of Witches, Skeletons, Trolls – oh, you know who they were. It may interest you to hear that the faddy Werewolf was in the lead, closely challenged by Gaga, although Sourmuddle had a surprisingly fair turn of speed, as did Rory. Overhead was a collection of flying things, some of whose names we know.

  The mob didn’t even attempt to mow Philpot down. They just neatly parted and ran straight past him, like water round a boulder. So what if there was a Giant baby loose in the Wood? They’d think about that later. There were free sweets!

  The howls died away, the dust settled and Philpot moved on.

  In time, the trees thinned out. Ahead of him was something new. A high wall. Beyond the wall, he could see pretty flags fluttering in the breeze. There were gates in the wall and they stood wide open. In fact, one of them hung off its hinges.

  Philpot’s eyes widened. What adventures lay beyond?

  He knew one thing. That was where his new friend had gone.

  ‘Well, would you look at that,’ said Pongwiffy to Hugo. ‘If it’s not the Giant baby. That’s all we need.’

  Hugo stared. There was certainly a Giant baby. He could see that. Philpot was hard to miss.

  ‘Vill it attack?’ he whispered cautiously.

  ‘No. I’m afraid it rather likes me. Don’t move, perhaps it won’t notice us.’

  The pair of them watched to see what Philpot would do. He stared around, thumb in mouth, observing the overturned chairs, the smashed spellovision camera, the thousand and one scattered items left behind in the mass exodus. None of it made any sense to him. Then he caught sight of Pongwiffy. He broke into a delighted grin.

  At last! His new friend! Found her!

  ‘GA!’ he bellowed triumphantly. ‘GA! GA!’

  And he came lumbering unsteadily across the lawn, arms outstretched in happy greeting.

  ‘Oh bother, it’s spotted me,’ said Pongwiffy tiredly. ‘I suppose this’ll be something else I have to worry about.’

  But just then, something unexpected happened. There came a shout from the gates.

  ‘Baby Philpot! Dere you is!’

  Philpot froze in mid-toddle. He knew that voice. He turned around. An even bigger grin split his fat pink face in two.

  ‘NANA SU-SU!’

  The two of them ran towards each other. You can add slow motion here if you like, but it’s not necessary. At any rate, their reunion was emotional. There was a lot of smiling through tears.

  ‘Hugo,’ said Pongwiffy slowly. ‘Am I dreaming, or is that Plugugly in a dress? Wearing a – flowery bonnet?’

  ‘Ya,’ said Hugo. ‘It is. And look! More of zem!’ He pointed to the gates, where the rest of the Gaggle were skulking nervously, clearly too frightened to enter.

  ‘Goblins?’ Pongwiffy was outraged. ‘The whole Gaggle? Here? In broad daylight? Are they mad? If this doesn’t call for a zapping, I don’t know what does.’

  ‘Ze brazen cheek of it!’ cried Hugo. ‘You vant I bite zeir ankles, get rid of zem? Just say ze vord!’

  ‘No, hang on. I want to know what’s happening. Why is Plugugly dressed like that? And why is he hugging the baby’s leg in that ridiculous way?’

  In the very centre of the arena, Plugugly was indeed hugging Philpot’s leg. It was one of the few remaining bits of Philpot he could get his arms around. Philpot had expanded even more since the last time they were together. The leg felt unpleasantly sticky, as though he’d been rolling in something. But Plugugly was brimful of joy to see him. It was such a relief to find him safe and sound.

  Philpot was delighted to be reunited with Nanny Susan
too. He was chuckling with glee and trying to crawl into Plugugly’s arms, which in effect meant knocking him over. Plugugly didn’t mind one bit.

  It would be nice to linger on this tender scene. But then . . .

  VROOOOOOOOMMMMMM!

  There was a great, thunderous, roaring noise. Through the palace gates came a massive, shiny red motorbike!

  The Stonkings had returned from Giant Town!

  The visit had been a partial success. Largette had gone shopping and bought some lovely shoes. Bigsy had had a tattoo done. It was across his stomach and said BABY PHILPO (the tattooist had run out of ink). The two of them had eaten well, gone dancing and caught up with old friends. The family barbecue hadn’t gone too brilliantly, however. It had ended in a squabble, which is a shame.

  On the whole, though, it had been a nice break. They were back now, and eager to be reunited with Baby Philpot. Had they missed him? Not a lot. But they were very keen to see if he had grown much. Besides, Largette had bought him a big blue bib, in preparation for that exciting day when he went on to solids.

  How did they know that Philpot was to be found in the palace grounds, you may wonder. Had their way home taken them past Sugary Candy’s? Had they overheard one of the ransacking mob talking about a Giant baby, in between hoovering up sweets? Or had they just driven past and spotted him by accident? Nobody knows. All that matters is that they are here.

  The giant bike raced past the Gaggle, who scattered. It roared through the gates and across the lawn, which was already badly churned up. It came to a screeching halt right in the middle, where Plugugly and Philpot were still hugging each other.

  Bigsy turned off the engine. Largette planted a red high heel on the lawn and dismounted.

  Over on the podium, Pongwiffy and Hugo watched the proceedings with drop-jawed disbelief. For once, they were speechless. They were used to strange things happening in Witchway Wood, it was that kind of place. But this was seriously weird. A Giant baby was one thing, but a couple of full-sized Giants arriving from nowhere on a blooming great giant motorbike was a step too far.

  For a moment, nothing happened. Plugugly stared at the Stonkings and the Stonkings stared at Plugugly. Then they stared at their baby.

  Their baby was a baby no more. He was a proper toddler. He was unbelievably filthy. He was clearly massively sticky. He was HUGE. My oh my, had he grown. Was this the same child they had left behind?

  Philpot broke the spell. He stared shyly up at the two strangers, held up his chubby arms and said really sweetly, ‘MAMA? DADA?’

  Largette burst into tears and Bigsy fell to his knees and scooped Philpot into his arms.

  He was absolutely perfect. They loved him!

  Over on the podium, Pongwiffy and Hugo continued to watch the bewildering scene that was unravelling before their eyes.

  What was this? Plugugly talking to Giants? Laughter, even? A lot of hugging and kissing and baby throwing? A large bag of gold being taken from a saddlebag and deposited in Plugugly’s eager arms? More talk and happy laughter? Fond farewells? The Giants roaring off on the bike with the baby perched dangerously on the female’s shoulders, screeching his delight to the wind?

  And Plugugly’s reaction when they had gone. That was worth observing. The short, noisy weep into the apron, followed by the instant cheering up when he suddenly remembered what he was holding.

  They watched him pick up his skirts and race towards the rest of the Gaggle, who had regrouped at the gates, looking impatient. There was a brief exchange of words, and then they were gone.

  That was it. Drama over. Once again it was back to a deserted stadium. Pongwiffy and Hugo were alone again.

  ‘Well,’ said Pongwiffy after a bit, ‘I wonder what all that was about?’

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  What You May Want To Know

  For those of you who like to have everything neatly tied up, here is a short summary.

  RONALD

  For Ronald, just like everyone else, the prospect of free sweets had proved irresistible. He had raced off with the mob, intent on getting there first and helping himself to the best ones. Sadly, he got knocked over and trampled on by a Zombie en route. Then his shorts elastic gave way and he had to slow down and walk, which meant that he was the last to arrive.

  Sharkadder spotted him as he came shuffling into Sugary Candy’s. She had her long arm stuck into a jar of Bat Splatz at the time. But that didn’t stop her eagle eye from noticing a suspicious-looking spoon handle protruding from his pocket. A single barked command later and a red-faced Ronald was forced to disclose his shocking secret to the world. He was revealed as a sneaky cheat in front of everybody. Although it has to be said that nobody cared that much, because the O’Lumpicks were now over – well, they would never begin, put it like that – and the rules regarding sportsmanship no longer applied. It was back to the old ways, with every man for himself. Besides, they were all too busy scoffing sweets.

  Ronald got punished, though. He got a strong lecture from Sharkadder. She wouldn’t let him take any sweets either. He was sent back to the Clubhouse in disgrace, expecting another telling-off when he got home.

  Luckily for him, his fellow Wizards never even knew that he had applied. They had forgotten that the O’Lumpicks were on and were watching something really boring on the other channel. So it could have been worse.

  KING FUTTOUT

  It took him several days to recover and many long weeks to set his garden back in order. He got it in the neck from Queen Beryl and Princess Honeydimple too, when they finally returned laden with dresses, handbags and shoes. Queen Beryl made him write a letter of complaint to Grandwitch Sourmuddle, and sent a footman to post it this time.

  He didn’t even get a reply.

  SCOTT

  Like the trouper he is, Scott put the experience behind him and moved on. He made a small bonfire of his poems, then went off to start rehearsing for his next film, which is currently doing good business at the box office. It has yet to be seen by Pongwiffy, although Hugo says it’s good. It’s called Dark Night of the Mad Mutant Horror Hamsters, so he would say that.

  THE YETIS

  They weren’t too happy about things, particularly when they saw the state of their lovely shop, even though they hadn’t exactly been paying it much attention since putting the notice on the door. They decided to abandon the whole project and go back to what they did best – kebab stalls, pizza parlours and greasy spoon joints. Although Spag is wondering whether an ice-cream parlour in Witchway Wood might catch on. They are currently away in the Antarctic, looking for a source of cheap ice.

  THE GOBLINS

  You will be interested to know that the Goblins finally made it to Sugary Candy’s, armed with their bag of gold. Sadly, the mob had got there before them. When they finally showed up, there wasn’t a single thing left. The place had been swept clean, apart from the untouched jar of blinking eyeballs.

  But Goblins will eat anything. They fell upon the jar, wrenched off the top and got stuck in. While they were thus occupied, someone stole the bag of gold, which was a shame. They never did find out who.

  Plugugly kept the dress. He still tries it on from time to time, in memory of Baby Philpot. Even though the others jeer at him.

  THE STONKINGS

  They moved back to Giant Town, taking Philpot with them. He is the apple of their eye and both his grandmas adore him. He is the centre of attention at family barbecues, is growing bigger every day and can say whole sentences now. He has forgotten Nanny Susan.

  So there you have it. You know what happened to everyone. Except Pongwiffy. Perhaps we’ll pop into Number One, Dump Edge, one last time, to see how she’s doing.

  A week has gone by since we last saw her. Right now, she is sitting at the table, banging a fork and waiting for supper. Outside, night is falling and the stars are out.

  ‘You know what I’m sorry about, Hugo?’ said Pongwiffy.

  ‘No. Vot?’

  ‘I’m sorry I
never got to hear Scott’s poem. The one about me.’

  ‘Mmm,’ said Hugo.

  ‘I wonder how it went? Sharkadder’s pretending she’s forgotten. I don’t suppose Dudley said, did he?’

  ‘No,’ said Hugo quickly. ‘Not a vord.’

  He was being kind here. In fact, Dudley had repeated it to him, word for word. It went like this.

  A word of thanks I’m forced to say

  To she who organised this day.

  She worked quite hard to sort it out

  Of that I do not have a doubt.

  We should have given her a prize

  But we forgot, surprise, surprise.

  I end now with a final plea.

  Pongwiffy, stay away from me!

  Do not visit, write or call.

  I do not like you, not at all.

  ‘Oh well,’ said Pongwiffy. ‘Perhaps it’s just as well. I don’t want to get big-headed.’

  ‘Mmm.’

  ‘And at least the O’Lumpicks weren’t a complete waste of time. Everyone enjoyed the race to the sweet shop. And they all keep coming up and telling me how much fitter they feel these days and how they’re going to keep eating healthy stuff and carry on working out. So am I actually. In fact, I’m quite looking forward to the Coven Meeting tonight. We’re flying to Crag Hill, did you know? For the exercise. Get down, Broom, not yet. Come on, Hugo, I’m hungry. What’s for supper?’

  ‘Skunk stew,’ said Hugo. ‘Your favourite. I make special.’

  ‘Really? Well, that’s very nice of you. I won’t have too much, mustn’t be greedy.’

  In the event, though, she was very greedy indeed and had three platefuls.

  But – and this is important – with a healthy dish of peas on the side.

  This omnibus edition published in Great Britain in 2019 by Simon & Schuster UK Ltd

  A CBS COMPANY

  Pongwiffy and the Pantomime first published by Puffin Books in 1997

  Pongwiffy and the Spellovision Song Contest first published by Puffin Books in 2003

  Pongwiffy: Back on Track first published by Bloomsbury in 2009