The Friendship Formula

by Caroline Millington

  And hours spent working together doesn’t count as much as quality time spent socializing. ‘When people transition between stages, they’ll double or triple the amount of time they spend with that other person in three weeks’ time,’ Dr Hall explained. ‘We have to put that time in. You can’t snap your fingers and make a friend. Maintaining close relationships is the most important work we do in our lives – most people on their deathbeds agree.’

  As you get older, you’ll probably find yourself with fewer close friends. A study in Finland in 2016 found that both men and women make more friends until the age of twenty-five. After that, the numbers begin to fall rapidly and continue to fall throughout the rest of our lives.

  ‘We come from homes far from perfect, so you end up almost parent and sibling to your friends – your own chosen family. There’s nothing like a really loyal, dependable, good friend. Nothing.’

  Jennifer Aniston

  The elusive ‘F Factor’

  We’ve established that spending time together creates close bonds and can turn an acquaintance into a close friend, but that’s evidently not true of everyone we hang out with. Sometimes you click with someone, but often that spark is simply missing. What draws people together as friends – and keeps them close?

  Proximity

  According to those clever social psychologists, the proximity theory accounts for our tendency to form relationships with those who are close by – which makes total sense when you think how many hours you have to spend with someone before they become a friend. While you may be able to maintain a long-distance friendship, it’s hard to form a bond with anyone you don’t have regular face-to-face time with. The friends we make are often made at work (and transferred into after hours), on the same sports team, or with those who live close by. The proximity theory is also the reason you might meet someone who lives in another city or works for another company, who you know is a potential new best friend, but never quite get there.

  Shared activities

  You might not have as many extra-curricular activities in your diary once you’ve left school, but many close friendships are kick-started at some sort of club or group. Find a pastime you love and you’ll meet like-minded people too: sports teams, book clubs, charity fundraising, a choir. You can’t make new friends until you meet potential ones.

  Common interests can be the most important ties that hold a friendship together because you commit to spend that time together. If either of you give up the activity, many see the friendship dwindle. While I met many of my closest friends through work, I also have a fabulous group of women in my life who I met through charity fundraising. Our friendship was a glorious surprise, as meeting new people wasn’t the motivation to get involved. Now I can’t imagine life without them. My advice: if you’re looking to make new friends, start with volunteering for a local charity and you might just meet friends for life.

  Go online

  Forget dating apps for a minute, there are apps and websites where you can make friends too. Bumble BFF helps you meet like-minded people in your area. Peanut and Mush are both apps that connect mums. Meetup is also a great way to find people who share an interest in the same activity as you.

  Life events

  There are many events in life that either introduce you to new people or open up the possibilities of seeking out new friendships. Sometimes these are from a place of pain – a new job because you were made redundant, or the end of a relationship freeing up your evenings and weekends. Take the chance to turn something negative into a positive.

  Starting a new job can be nerve-racking but it’s also an opportunity to find new friends. Newly single? Throw yourself into doing all the things you never had time for – art classes, gin-tasting, stand-up comedy nights, evening classes – and you’ll meet new people too. Happy occasions also give you a chance to broaden your social group – many of my mum friends have made brilliant mates at baby groups and at the school gates.

  Thirteen Traits of Friendship

  According to Professor Suzanne Degges-White, author of Friends Forever: How Girls and Women Forge Lasting Relationships, there are thirteen traits of friendship that fall into three categories: integrity, caring and congeniality.

  Integrity is a core value cited as the bedrock of any relationship, and includes trustworthiness, honesty, dependability, loyalty and the ability to trust others. Basically, following your moral and ethical convictions to do the right thing. Meeting someone you believe has integrity makes you feel safe. Professor Degges-White also points out that caring – from empathy and listening to offering support and not being judgemental – is a key trait we look for in a friend. Finally, congeniality, which Professor Degges-White describes as self-confidence, humour and fun.

  It seems three really is the magic number when it comes to finding a friend. And there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have this list of traits in mind when ‘auditioning’ someone you’ve met as a potential friend. They might be fun and confident, but if they love to entertain a room and never stop to listen, are they going to offer you the friendship you deserve? Or they might have integrity but lack a sense of humour and just be too sensible for you.

  Really, friendship is about two people each bringing half a jigsaw puzzle to the table and fitting their pieces together to make the perfect picture.

  Auditions are open!

  For me, finding people I have things in common with was easier when I was younger. You’re on a similar path of discovery, finding out where you fit in the world. As we get older, we get stuck in our ways and seek like-minded people to complement us. I know these days I’m less likely to spend time with people I’m not emotionally invested in. I’ve definitely become more intolerant of people’s nonsense and drama over the years, and have downsized my friendship group.

  Here are a few of my friendship rules – feel free to add your own!

  Never be embarrassed by your passions and hobbies – they will lead you to like-minded people and potential new friends.

  Put time and effort in. Keep in touch with regular texts and calls. Make your friends feel loved. It takes seconds.

  Ask yourself: who sees you when they have free time and who frees up their time to see you?

  Accept you’re not a perfect friend. I know I’ve disappointed people I love in the past and I’m sure I’ve unintentionally hurt people’s feelings along the way. Be ready to say sorry to the people you love.

  Don’t make false promises. If you bump into someone you used to be close to, say how nice it was to catch up but don’t suggest meeting up again out of politeness unless you mean it.

  Accept that some people see you as an acquaintance when you’d like to be a friend. Unrequited friendship is painful but it’s not you, it’s them. Often it’s simply a limitation of free time. And, ultimately, you only deserve people in your life who make you feel loved, secure and cherished.

  ‘Friendship between women is different than friendship between men. We talk about different things. We delve deep. We go under, even if we haven’t seen each other for years. There are hormones that are released from women to other women that are healthy and do away with the stress hormones… It’s my women friends that keep starch in my spine and, without them, I don’t know where I would be. We have to just hang together and help each other.’

  Jane Fonda

  4

  The friendship circle

  So, you’ve got your friends, gathered up over the years from a variety of places, but where do they all sit in your friendship circle? Your friendship circle can be impacted on by your lifestyle – a partner, children and other family members’ needs can leave you with precious little time for friends. If you have a jug of time and people you care about holding out glasses waiting for you to fill them up, there’s only so far your friendship supply is going to go. You choose wisely who to top up before refilling your jug and starting again the next day.

  When I delved into the world of friends, anthropologist R
obin Dunbar from the University of Oxford seemed to be the most quoted expert on relationships, inclusive of friendships. In 1993, Professor Dunbar claimed that we can only maintain up to 150 significant relationships at the same time. He states these 150 people are the number of people you know and keep in contact with. It doesn’t include people you’ve been friends with in the past but no longer have a social relationship with, or people you know but have no particular relationship with.

  So, according to science, that’s your limit: 150 people you may develop valued relationships with at any one time – but the depth of the friendship depends on which circle they are in. Many of them will be casual friends, the people you might invite to a big celebration like a wedding or milestone birthday. To be fair, you might even have more than 150 people in your life if you’re particularly social!

  The importance of the relationship increases as the number of people and size of circles decreases to the core people in your life, right at the centre. It’s up to us who goes where. The outer circle is old school friends, people you once worked with, distant relations and friends of friends – people you’d want to get to speak to if you saw them. They might be on your Christmas card list but you don’t confide in them or rely on them for your emotional well-being.

  The next group of friends are the ones you’re delighted to see at an event; you keep in touch at Christmas and maybe speak or get together a few times a year. There can be between thirty-five and fifty people in this circle. You see them as often as you can but you’ve no doubt uttered, ‘We really must see each other more often’ and then never do. You think of them as a good friend but they are yet to – and may never – become close.

  According to Professor Dunbar, there are about fifteen people in the next circle – the friends you see once a month or so, known as the ‘sympathy circle’. You’re close friends, you can confide in them about most things, enjoy their company and can rely on them for support. You’d miss them if they weren’t in your life and you make an effort to see them regularly.

  Your smallest circle includes the friends you choose to see – or have some contact with – every week and are those you would turn to in a crisis. You invest more of your social time with these people than anyone else. These are your best friends and often include a family member or two, but there’s a limit to how many close friends you can have in your inner clique at one time. According to one study, the average person manages just five close relationships at a time.

  In 2007, Professor Dunbar and his colleagues analyzed phone records of 27,000 people in Europe and found that most people repeatedly interacted with the same four or five people in their phonebook. Professor Dunbar says these close relationships are limited in number because we are only able to fully invest and build connections with up to five people. If you’re in a committed relationship, that person takes two places in your inner circle, leaving you with just the three close friends alongside your partner (more on this in Chapter 10!).

  When it comes to the 150 people in your life, I believe it’s pretty fluid. Different friendships fulfil different purposes and meet different needs. I know I have a handful of people I could turn to in a crisis but don’t often speak to, let alone see every week! I also think I have a lot more than fifteen people in my ‘sympathy’ circle and fewer in my outer circle. You’re either in or you’re out!

  According to Professor Dunbar, these numbers and proportions remain remarkably stable over time because membership moves between the circles. If a close friendship comes to a natural end or the person moves away, we’ll simply slide a new person into the slot. Think of it like the Hunger Games for friendship!

  Juggling friends

  Some people actually wish they had fewer friends. The obligation to stay connected with people in our lives can be overwhelming. There can be a nagging guilt in not being a good enough friend and giving enough of your time or attention to everyone. But fear not.

  A 2016 study found that only half of perceived friendships are actually mutual! I hate to be the one to break it to you, but many of the people you consider friends only think of you as an acquaintance, and there are probably many people you have happily popped into your outer circle of friends who think of you as one of their closest! That’s right, up to half of our friendships are actually unreciprocated! So, as you move people between your circles, be prepared to be moved in and out of other people’s. I think sometimes it happens due to circumstance, and can be subconscious or very much deliberate.

  As you get older, your circles are likely to shrink. According to a study led by Cheryl L. Carmichael, we spend our twenties in ‘identity exploration’ mode. I’ll put my hand up right now to spending my twenties dating unsuitable men, partying with some hardcore drinkers and trying to be friends with everyone I met along the way. My inner people-pleaser was more than happy to bend over backwards and make everyone else happy, while I seemed to forget to seek out what made me happiest. It’s a decade spent trying to figure out who we are by socializing with lots of different people, exploring the different facets of yourself and seeing which feels the most like ‘you’.

  Once you’re in your thirties, and perhaps forties, it seems we’re settling into our true selves, and it’s the quality of our socializing rather than the quantity that has a positive effect on our lives. If you follow the traditional life choices – marriage and children – this will naturally impact on how much time you have to spend with friends too.

  Professor Carmichael has said: ‘As individuals approach their thirties, social information-seeking motives wane. Identity exploration goals diminish with the transition into better-defined and more enduring social roles.’ As we get older, our need to seek out new friends and experiences slows down. We know what we like and do more of the same rather than trying new things.

  There are some big differences between my friendships in my twenties and thirties/forties…

  ♦ I’ve stopped being happy to crash on people’s sofas and have started craving my own bed at the end of a night out.

  ♦ Nights out tend to end before midnight on a week night (most of the time!).

  ♦ Weekends away are spent with godchildren as well as their parents – and I’m just as happy staying in and catching up as I used to be going out.

  ♦ I spend less time with my ‘party’ friends and more time with people who like dinner with their alcohol.

  ♦ Brunch with the girls sometimes includes a baby or two in tow and we love it.

  ♦ Long-distance friendships are maintained by travel, social media, FaceTime and WhatsApp voice notes.

  ♦ I know when it’s time to let a friend-ship go.

  The circle of life

  These are my kind of people. Genders are interchangeable, just see who fits into your circles…

  The Twin

  The person most like you – but that means they may have your flaws too. You can clash but also be the closest. More like a sister, your bond is blood even though you’re not related.

  The SOS sister

  Your 3 a.m. emergency contact. Your get-out-of-jail card. The one phone call you’d make when you’re in trouble. Calm under pressure, cool in a crisis. You might not spend all your time together, but they’ve got your back.

  The Prosecco and popcorn pal

  It’s not always deep and meaningful but they’re your go-to person for fun nights out, healthy debate and the must-see movies. Reliable, trust-worthy and always the first to book the latest event, we all need a go-to gig person in our lives.

  The older and wiser woman

  Need some sage advice, they’re the one you turn to. Career, relationships, life choices – an older woman has been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. She’s also the one who checks in with you regularly just to see how you are.

  The flighty friend

  She floats in and out of your life, but that’s just enough. You’d never give up your friendship even though you only catch up once in a blue moon.


  The best bad influence

  Has a heart of gold but always leads you astray. Whether it’s one too many drinks, insisting you ‘just put it on your credit card’ or encouraging you to say yes to an unsuitable date, she’s always up for some fun.

  The school friend

  You go waaaay back and they are the keeper of all your teenage secrets. You shared some of the big moments in life: first period, first snog, losing your virginity and learning how to mend a broken heart. There’s a special soundtrack just for the two of you.

  The adult friend

  You met as grown-ups but bonded over being teenagers at heart. You cover every topic from Brexit to boys and bank balances (or lack of). You muddle your way through adulting together and are bonded for life.

  The soul sister

  Your everything. Your sister from another mister. She’s your everything and life just wouldn’t be the same without her.

  The far-away friend

  You met travelling or at work before one of you made the big move abroad, and now you’re in different time zones with social media keeping you informed of each other’s daily antics and the occasional FaceTime, making sure the bond stays intact. You invest enough to never give up on what you have, and on those rare occasions you do get to see each other in the flesh, it’s like you’ve never been apart.