The Friendship Formula
Page 8
Here’s what I learnt about being friends with boys:
♦ Men don’t hold grudges the way women do. They are quicker to let disagreements go.
♦ Sometimes we don’t see each other or speak for years, but the expectation that the friendship hasn’t faltered is still there. We just pick it up where we left off.
♦ They don’t over-analyze what you say. My male friends take things on face value and never expect to read between the lines of what I’m saying.
♦ There’s no point being subtle or dropping hints. Just get to the point and don’t expect them to be a mind reader.
Friendship between men and women is a fairly recent phenomenon. For hundreds of years women only spent time with male relatives, potential suitors and then their husband. The idea that straight men and women could be friends and nothing more was questionable until more recent decades.
When I was younger there were complicated platonic friendships, but in my adult years I’ve had some fantastic friendships with men with no hint of sexual tension. I’ve had other great friendships with guys I’ve fancied but never told. I’ve also asked out guy friends believing there was more to their attention only to be directed to the ‘friend zone’ for my efforts. Gutted at the time, I later realized it was their loss. But if you think it’s possible for men and women to be ‘just good friends’ – in the sense that there is zero sexual attraction felt by either party – you’re in the minority.
A 2012 study at the University of Wisconsin showed that it’s impossible to escape from sexual tension. Scientists studied 88 opposite-sex friend couples and found that men were more physically and sexually attracted to their female friends than the women were to the guys. The study found that these men were also more likely to overestimate how attracted their platonic female friends were to them, while the women underestimated how attractive they were to their male friends. Basically, the men assumed the women were secretly attracted to them and the women assumed the men weren’t interested in them sexually. The men and women who said they had no physical or sexual attraction to their friend were in significantly longer friendships when compared to those who felt an attraction.
We can blame evolution for the base belief that men and women can’t be ‘just good friends’. According to lead researcher, April Bleske-Rechek, men tend to be more attracted to their female friends because they face the risk of being genetically ‘shut out’ if they don’t take ‘advantage of various reproductive opportunities’.
All friendship is based on a chemistry of sorts, so it’s easy to see how this can develop into sexual attraction. There will always be some of us who struggle to be platonic with friends – particularly men with female pals if the study is anything to go by.
Back in 2000, a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reported that out of more than 300 college students, 67 per cent had had sex with a friend. However, 56 per cent of these friendships decided not to take it to a romantic level after the encounter – they clearly valued their friendship over sex.
A 2017 survey of 6,500 people commissioned by social network MeetMe found more than half had fantasized about sleeping with their best friend of the opposite gender. Nearly 40 per cent had actually slept with said best friend – and two-thirds admitted they would if the opportunity presented itself!
What I’ve learnt about being friends with heterosexual men over the years is that they offer something different and unique compared to my friendships with women and gay guys. My straight male mates offer up a varying perspective on relationships, offer solutions to problems, always make me feel valued and treat me as an absolute equal. While our conversation differs wildly from those with the women in my life, I’ve been surprised by just how similar men and women actually are. I’ve sat with some of my closest guy friends as they’ve shared fertility issues, marriage breakup stories, honest views on being a father and grief.
I think the biggest difference in these friendships is the emotional attachment and commitment. I don’t expect the same level of understanding and support from men as I do women. There’s a deeper level of understanding from women, simply because they are more likely to have walked a mile in my size 5s. According to author Ronald Riggio, research shows that men bond over activities, like sporting events and travel, while women are more likely to share emotions and talk about feelings.
What makes friendships between women arguably closer than those of different genders is that emotional bond – but emotions run high and can also be the cause of conflict and fallouts. Platonic friendship between different genders offers a similar closeness but without the heightened emotional attachment and high expectation of investment from the other person. My male friends seem to be more laid-back in their approach, more casual in locking in plans and chilled if you have to rearrange them. I know this isn’t because they don’t care, they just don’t feel the need to overstate something; just by wanting to hang out with you they feel they are communicating – they just don’t feel the need to make declarations of their (platonic) feelings for you. In my experience, men show you they care about you just by spending time with you. They don’t need to reinforce this with words or big gestures.
I go to England rugby matches with a girlfriend, to the theatre and on holiday with a mixed-gender group. I talk emotions and relationship hopes and dreams with guys as well as girls. So, rather than making sweeping generalizations, I’d preach we should discard the gender stereotypes of friendship and be friends simply because of who the person is and what they bring to your life in conversation, acts of kindness and fun.
Perhaps men’s relationships have evolved. I’ve certainly witnessed the closeness between men I know supporting each other when dealing with a health crisis or death of a parent in exactly the same way a woman would. Ultimately, if you’re a good person, your reproductive organs are not going to dictate the kind of friend you are.
Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight says…
‘We can definitely transcend our animal brains and be friends with members of the opposite sex. For one, we’re not attracted to every single potential partner out there and the longer you know a person in a specific context, in this case as a friend, the less likely you are to want to try and turn that friendship into something romantic. It’s within us to preserve our friendships, so doing anything that may endanger them is usually something we tend to avoid. Having a friend of the opposite sex can be hugely beneficial to you; they can provide a different take on life, one that you might not get from friends of the same sex.’
The Friendship Formula survey…
Do you believe men and women can be ‘just good friends’?
80% Yes
20% No
‘Of course you can just be good friends. I am bisexual so I have to believe this otherwise I’d have no friendships. Sex doesn’t have to complicate everything.’
‘I’ve been friends with two guys since nursery and we’ve never been anything other than friends.’
‘I feel some kind of sexual chemistry always gets in the way. I think people have a much stronger bond with friends of the same gender as them.’
‘I have had and do have male friends where I believe there are no feelings. We have fun together, can provide advice that someone of the same sex can’t and the sex thing doesn’t have to get in the way.’
‘As a man it’s so important to have female input into your life. I have a whole load of female friends and instead of a best man I had a best woman at my wedding.’
Friends with benefits
So you’re just good friends… and there’s an attraction. Maybe an alcohol-fuelled flirtation. You end up sleeping together – and decide to keep having sex but just as friends. Are friends with benefits a good idea or is a fallout inevitable?
One study in 2005 by Mikayla Hughes, Kelly Morrison and Kelli Jean K. Asada identified the motivation for people to seek friends-with-benefits (FWB) relationships: relationship avoidance, sex
, relationship simplicity and emotional connection. There are many advantages to a FWB agreement. You can enjoy sex without romantic complications but within the safety and trust of a friendship. A step up from casual sex, many people enjoy the ease of a FWB arrangement, and on paper it seems like the ideal set-up – there’s an attraction but not enough to develop into a romance, you don’t want to commit to a relationship or you may have come out of something long-term and are looking for something less intense.
A FWB relationship often fizzles out when one or both people meet someone they have a romantic connection with and decide to be in a committed relationship instead, leaving the friendship side of things intact. Of course, there are rules to FWB. If one of you is more emotionally invested than the other or develops feelings, things can get very complicated and the friendship can come crashing down – so communication and honesty is key.
There’s always the possibility that FWB turns into something more serious. Look at Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, who ironically both starred in movies about this very kind of friendship arrangement: Mila in Friends with Benefits (2011) and Ashton in No Strings Attached (2011). The pair started out as friends after meeting on the set of That ’70s Show in the late 1990s. Mila was only fourteen, Ashton was nineteen. Many years and a few relationships later they started adding benefits to their friendship.
‘We were in similar movies and we should have paid attention to them because this doesn’t work in real life. We clearly didn’t pay attention and we shook hands on it and said we would just have fun. We literally lived out our movies,’ Mila has said in an interview. ‘He had just got out of a marriage and I had gotten out of a relationship. But we were in agreement that it was just fun. And three months later, I was like, “This isn’t just fun anymore.” And then a year later we wanted to get married. I think it took everyone by surprise.’
While moving from FWB to a relationship is rare, it isn’t impossible. Have fun, stay fun and just be honest!
Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight says…
‘When it comes to “Friends with benefits”, it will only work if you’re on the same page. It may seem like a great idea on the surface, but usually the situation works better for one partner than the other. It’s almost inevitable that some sort of feelings will develop for one of you. This can cause all sorts of problems surrounding jealousy, a sense of ownership, or that you’re owed a certain level of exclusivity. Proceed with caution!’
The Friendship Formula survey…
Have you ever had a friend with benefits?
48% Yes
52% No
‘Yes, it didn’t end badly, we just went separate ways.’
‘During my single days there were always some friends you could turn to if desire struck!’
‘We both moved on with partners and the benefits ended there.’
‘I ended up having stronger feelings than I planned for him and he’s now my fiancé!’
‘We enjoyed benefits for a while and then stayed friends but moved on with our personal lives.’
‘It was a short-term thing, to fulfil our needs in a safe manner. We’ve met other people and are still friends.’
The ex files
A quick note about staying friends with exes, as this seems one of the most divisive topics.
For many, the idea is hell. Personally, I think it all depends on the ex and what level of friendship you take away from a breakup. I’ve remained friends with most of my exes, at least on a basic level of Facebook and the odd text. I’ve also been to the weddings of ex-lovers, happy to see them married to the love of their life. Yes, it was slightly awkward making small talk with an ex’s parents, and there was a cringe moment when a groom’s best friend proceeded to inspect my empty ring finger, only to be shown my middle one instead.
I don’t think there’s one rule for staying mates with a past love. If you still care for each other, and new partners don’t have a problem with it, then keeping in touch and meeting up is lovely.
Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight says…
‘Staying friends with your ex is totally possible, and completely healthy, if you’re both firmly on the same page. No, not even that, you have to be same line, same word. If one of you has residual feelings then it just won’t work.’
The Friendship Formula survey…
Can you stay friends with an ex?
32% Yes
18% No
50% Depends on the ex
‘I don’t think it is important but if you ended mutually as just friends and enjoy their company then it’s the same as any other friend. I do think this is much easier as you get older however!’
‘Yes, because I love them as a person and would miss them being in my life. I just don’t fancy them!’
‘They are part of your history and if it ended on good terms then why not remain friends? You obviously had a connection to begin with and it would be a shame to lose it if things ended ok.’
‘He’s not ‘in my life’ but we are in touch because we dated for a long time and had a mutual break up.’
‘My past relationships have always been too intense to just be friends.’
‘I don’t think it is important that they are still in your life. Just makes things less awkward when you bump into them.’
‘Sadly, I haven’t managed this due to new partners not being comfortable with me being friends with my ex.’
‘Yes, we’re friends because ultimately they were a great friend – not a great boyfriend!’
12
Social media mates and meeting IRL
Pokes. Likes. DMs. RTs. Shares. There’s a whole other language on social media with a bunch of strangers who are online friends and potentially friends IRL (in real life) too.
I was an early adopter of Friends Reunited (remember the thrill of a school pal finding you while avoiding others?!), Myspace, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. I loved being able to communicate with friends around the world online. In fact, I ended up incorporating it into my job, and the digital world later became my career. Funny how things turn out, right?
Since the launch of Facebook in 2004, more than a billion people have created Facebook accounts. Americans spend about 56 billion minutes on the site each month! There are many glorious things about social media – but I want to flag some of the more dangerous things, too.
Digital platforms can be full of infighting and smoke and mirrors, projecting images of a perfect Insta life. An online life is not somewhere you should live but simply visit, while remembering it’s somewhat of a wonderland. Have fun, use it to support good causes, spread positive messages and bond with like-minded people – but beware the trolls and negativity, and don’t be drawn into comparing your real life to other people’s online profiles, which are often heavily edited and filtered.
We’ve looked at friendship circles in Chapter 4, but of course those don’t include your social networks. Professor Robin Dunbar from the University of Oxford admits digital platforms can increase the total number of friends we can have at the same time. His studies show that the maximum number of friends it is realistically possible to engage with is about 150, while on social media such as Facebook people will typically have 120–130 friends. Social media has changed the way we interact with people. ‘What Facebook does and why it’s been so successful in so many ways is it allows you to keep track of people who would otherwise effectively disappear,’ Professor Dunbar explains. A 2015 study by Adriana M. Manago, a psychology professor at the University of California, found that millennials have a wider network but their feelings of fulfilment from these interactions are heavily based on shallow connections and public perception.
Lurking – reading posts on social media and watching what people are doing without engaging or posting yourself – isn’t particularly good for your well-being or mental health. If you only spend time on social media to gather information about people’s lives and compare them to your own, you’re g
oing to come away feeling bad about yourself. Facebook – or Facebrag in the case of many people – only offers a glimpse into your friends’ lives, while Instagram images are often heavily filtered.
Research suggests that social media can lead people to think that their peers are doing better socially than they are. The 2017 study found social media posts are predominantly focused on projecting the most positive versions of ourselves. Well, of course! The digital world is seen as a benchmark to compare our lives with others, and often the fallout of that is a feeling of failure, envy and FOMO (fear of missing out).
However, having a huge group of online friends can result in ‘friendship lite’, according to social psychologist Sherry Turkle – meaning we can have lots of surface connections but a lack of deep and meaningful friendships in real life. It’s important to cherish those friends we have in our real lives and be fully present while in their company rather than distracted by social media.
Remember:
♦ Just because you’re having a good time doesn’t mean you have to document it to the world.
♦ Take photos and videos at an event but save the posting until after, so you can fully enjoy your time with friends rather than worrying about which hashtag to use.
♦ Put your phone away during meals. OK, you can take a photo of your food if you have to, but then it goes straight in your bag!
♦ Remind yourself that you’re seeing the best bits of someone’s life on social media while living the reality of your own. They are not comparable.
♦ Keep an eye on how much time you spend on social media compared to time spent with your friends either in person or on the phone. If you realize you’re online more, cut back and make more effort to catch up with your real friends – and enjoy that hug!
I’ll admit, there are people on my Facebook that I probably should unfriend because their status updates annoy me (hello friend!), but it’s easier to roll my eyes if they come up in the feed and keep scrolling than hit that ‘unfriend’ button and face questions by people we mutually know. And don’t forget to say a little prayer to the algorithm gods that their status updates don’t show up in your feed!