“You’re angry and you don’t want to hear what I’m sayin’. I understand that. But I can waste energy being mad and raging at the unfairness of it all, or I can use that energy spending time with people who love me. Who’ll remember me when I’m nothin’ more than a leaf on the wind. Tragedy isn’t dying, it’s not living while you still have the chance.”
With my head in my hands, I pressed my palms against my eyes to hold back the burning sting of tears.
“I’m not ready Danny. I can’t lose you. Not yet.”
“Nobody’s ever ready. Sometimes you need to hang on. And other times you have to learn when to let go. I’m ready to let go now son. I’ve got a date with my girl, and I think I’ve kept her waitin’ long enough.”
“Are you talkin’ about Lily?” I said, remembering the name inscribed on the plaque behind us.
“She used to call it serendipity, us meeting. Said it was the only way two complete strangers from Ireland could fall in love in a park in the middle of England. I was a feckless twat back then. Had a couple of titles under me belt and a little money in my pocket, when a stupid injury killed my career. The day I found out from the doctor I’d never box again, was the day I met her. If that wasn’t fate, I don’t know what is!”
“How did you meet?” I asked, my voice cracking slightly from tryin’ to keep the waterworks at bay.
“She was just sittin’ here, feedin’ the birds. Her long, blonde hair, glowing like fuckin’ sunshine. It was love at first sight. I wanted to talk to her so bad, but the minute I sat down I couldn’t think of a feckin’ thing to say. Open and closed my mouth so many times, I looked like a bleedin’ goldfish!” he said, laughing. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard that sound, but he was clearly remembering his happy place and I couldn’t help but smile.
“I remember her just lookin’ at me with those big blue eyes and the most serene smile, like she didn’t have a worry in the world. Then she opened up her hand and gave me half her bird seed.”
“Did you speak to her?”
“No! I sat there like an idiot feedin’ those stupid pigeons, and when the seed ran out, she smiled at me, stood up and walked off.”
“And you just let her go?”
“Tommy, it was a full five minutes before I regained the use of me vocal chords, let alone me legs. But I ran through that park twice a day, every day for the next month, until I found her again.”
“And then you asked her out?”
“I tried!” he said, chuckling again. “But for how quiet and shy she was, my girl was no push over. It took me months of chattin’ her up and courtin’ her before she agreed to let me take her to the pictures, and in those months I turned my life around. Eventually, I followed her suggestion to open a gym, and really started making a go of it.
“There was no love lost between me and her family mind. How someone so gentle and fuckin’ beautiful could come from such shitty stock, I’ll never know. It was no skin off my nose when they didn’t approve of us getting’ married, but I know it hurt Lil.
“She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and not a day goes by where I don’t count my blessings for every second I had with her.”
“You think she’s waiting for you?”
Danny paused, a small smile playing at his lips. “When I die I imagine I’ll close my eyes,” he started. “And when I open them, I’ll be a young man again. Walking the green hills of Killarney with the sun on back, watching my girl who’s waitin’ for me. Her beautiful hair blowing in the wind, as she smiles and waves at me to hurry up.”
“Then that’s what I’ll imagine too,” I told him. He turned to me, and laid his gnarled, fragile hand over mine.
“And that’s how you let go,” he said.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
EVELYN
Tommy text me that he was outside, so Father Pat let me out of the church, and waited until Tommy waved before locking back up. I knew as soon as I saw him that something was wrong. He walked up the stairs as I came down and meeting me halfway, he wrapped his arms around me and rested his head against my chest.
“Hey. What’s wrong?” I asked, and he gave me a little squeeze, as though he lacked the energy to reply. Knowing he’d tell me when he was ready, I hugged him to me like a child and ran a hand rhythmically through his hair until I felt some of the tension drain out of him.
“That feels good,” he said. At least, that’s what it sounded like. His face was still buried in my boobs when he spoke, so I couldn’t be sure.
“Let’s go home, Tommy,” I suggested, more than a little worried by his behaviour. “You can take a hot shower while I order pizza, then we can pig out, cuddle up on the sofa and watch a movie. It will make you feel better.”
Dejected wasn’t a natural state for Tommy. I didn’t realise how dependent I’d become on his positive outlook and sunny disposition, until it was gone. It was like seeing the most colourful rainbow, swallowed up by clouds.
“Promise?” he asked, moving back to face me. The look on his face broke my heart. So forlorn and lost, and I had no idea how to help him.
“I promise,” I whispered. There was no heat in the kiss I gave him. Just comfort and a whole lot of love.
It wasn’t until later, when he was curled around me in bed, that I got him to open up.
“I went to see Danny today. I told him what that fucker Declan Murphy had done and he talked me out of beatin’ the living shit outta him,” he said.
“Good. You know he’d press charges, and I don’t want that hateful man being the reason you lose a career you love.”
“Babe, d’you think I give a shit about my career next to your safety?”
“Tommy, beating Declan black and blue might be about justice or revenge, but it’s most definitely not about my safety. Men like that don’t scare easily. If you make him feel weak, he’s just going to hurt someone else to make himself feel more powerful.”
“All the more reason the police need to press charges against that fucker. Maybe a year or two of his own company in a box with bars will teach the arsehole to behave.”
“About that,” I said, reluctantly.
“What?” Every muscle in his body that touched me, stiffened. Like he was physically bracing himself for more pain.
“The officer who interviewed me called today. Declan is claiming he ran into me at the pub and was worried because he saw some bruising on me. He says he hid and waited for me in the lobby because he was worried that you were hitting me, and wanted to speak to me without you present. His story is that I already had the bruising when he found me, and he thinks you put me up to pressing charges to cover up the abuse. Because it’s my word against his and there’s no evidence, they won’t be pressing charges.”
“Mother fucker!” he yelled loudly, and I froze. The anger was radiating from him, in waves so powerful, I was choking on it. Despite having a strict and majorly over-bearing mother, violence was never a part of my upbringing. Even Joe, who trained at Driscoll’s Gym and knew how to handle himself, was never anything but gentle with me. It wasn’t so much that I was afraid of Tommy; I knew he’d never hurt me. It was more of a deer in the headlights reaction. I wasn’t expecting it, and didn’t know how to deal with it.
Fighting was a huge part of who he was. I knew that, and accepted it. But it was the first time he’d ever been anything but gentle around me. Sure he’d knocked out Declan in the pub, but this was different. This time it was like he had a well of rage built up inside that had nowhere to go. Having no idea what I could do to calm him down, I just lay there, completely still, and waited.
I wouldn’t have taken back my words though, even if I could. Sugar coating the situation wouldn’t make it any better, and we needed to find a way of dealing with the bad stuff as well as the good.
Together.
I hated the fact that Declan was getting away with attacking me, as much as Tommy did. But I had to find a way to live with it, and so did he.
/> “I’m sorry baby. I didn’t mean to yell like that. I just feel so fucking powerless. It’s been a shitty day. No matter how much crap I’ve had to face before, there wasn’t much I couldn’t handle with my fists or sheer fucking determination. But this time, there’s nothing I can do, and I fucking hate that feelin’.”
“Everyone does. Accepting that there are things you just can’t change is the only way you can move forward. If you don’t, you’ll drive yourself mad. The best justice I can get for what he did, is to let him see me live a long and happy life with the man I love. It might not be the retribution you were looking for, but letting go of hate will make you a lot happier than holding onto it.”
“How d’you get to be so fuckin’ wise?” he said, kissing the back of my head. His tone was soft, but I could still feel the stiffness in his body.
“What else is wrong?” I asked. I knew it was something bad by his sigh, and I braced myself for what could be worse than the news I’d delivered.
“The fucker sucker punched me today.”
“Who? Declan?”
“Yep, that lyin’ sack of shit.”
“What d’you mean he sucker punched you?”
“Danny and I went there to confront the Murphys. Figure out why they’re starting trouble after all this time. Turns out they aren’t scared of Danny anymore since they heard he’s dyin’ of lung cancer.”
Twisting around, I turned to face him. His eyes glistened with unshed tears, barely visible in the moonlight, and the pain etched on his face was indescribable.
“No?” I was hoping that I’d heard wrong, but the look on his face was all the confirmation I needed. I didn’t know Danny that well, but he was like a second father to Tommy and the rest of the guys.
“He smoked two packs a day for years. We rarely saw him without a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Looks like it finally caught up with him.”
“Do the others know yet?” I asked, conscious that they were all going to take the news hard.
“No. Danny wasn’t going to tell any of us, until he was too sick to hide it anymore. Said that he wanted to enjoy the time he had left without seeing us upset. Guess Declan’s taken that decision away from him now though. I don’t think he realised that Danny hadn’t told us, and I didn’t give anything away, but fuck I hated finding out like that.”
“I can understand Danny’s reasons. He’ll have to tell the others now though. If Declan knows, then half the Irish in London will know, and it’d be horrible if they found out the same way you did. Besides, surely they’d work it out anyway when he started treatment. I don’t know what kind of medication plan the doctors have him on, but I’ve heard that chemotherapy makes you feel really sick.”
“He’s not having treatment,” Tommy replied, his voice sounding so small in the dark. “The cancer is inoperable and very aggressive. It’s already spread beyond the lungs, and treatment would only prolong the inevitable. Danny says he doesn’t want to piss away what time he has left getting sick and that he’s ready to let go. He’d rather focus on living life while he still has it. Which is all fine and fucking dandy for him, but what about the rest of us? He’ll close his eyes one day and that will be it. He’ll go to sleep and never wake up, and we’ll all be left behind trying to figure out how to keep it together without him.”
“You don’t really believe that do you? If he’s made peace with dying, that’s a good thing, right? You think this would be any easier on either of you if he was scared and angry? And just because he’s ready to go, doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking every minute of every day about how you’ll cope without him. You’re his kids. He’s always going to love and worry about you. But you’re not alone. You all have partners and families who care about you, but most importantly, you have each other. He knows that, and it’s probably the only thing getting him through this. It sounds like he’s being really brave, and as hard as it is, you need to be that for him as well. Don’t let him see your grief before he passes on. Let him see your love, and make that the last memory he takes with him.”
“It just hurts, Evie. He’s a mean, moody, cantankerous, stubborn bastard. But I fuckin’ love him,” he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion.
“He knows that, but you should tell him anyway. And after you do, and he tells you to feck off like you know he’s going to, then you go back to life as normal, at least around him. But if you need to fall apart when you’re with me, then do it.”
“I hate being weak in front of you,” he admitted.
“Strong men show emotion. Weak men pretend they don’t have any. I will never see you sharing how you really feel with me as weakness. Just do me a favour and don’t bottle things up okay?”
“I’ll try. For you, I’ll try,” he whispered, and cuddled closer. Eventually, he began to relax and when his breathing evened out, I knew he’d drifted to sleep. Since I’d known him, he’d been badly injured in a car accident, had come close to losing his life in a fire and now he had to watch a close friend and father figure fade away. The only thing worse than your own pain was seeing pain in someone you loved, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. Tommy had endured more than a person should ever have to, and still he took care of other people. He was the strongest man I’d ever met, and as I drifted to sleep beside him, I sent up a quick prayer of thanks that we’d found each other.
When we woke the next morning, he seemed better. Still a little sad and melancholy, but he talked more about how he was handling things. He also told me all about Danny’s connection to the Murphy family. Em was supposed to be at the gym that afternoon to work on the books while Con, Kieran and Liam were training, so Danny was going to break it to them then. Tommy hadn’t volunteered to join them, and when I asked him why, he explained it was because he knew Em would break down and he wasn’t strong enough to see that yet. I think he felt ashamed for feeling that way, and I knew he was dodging calls from the guys until they heard from Danny. Everything was so raw for him, but once everyone else knew, they’d have each other to lean on and he wouldn’t have to hide how he was feeling from them.
If they’d heard his voice, they’d know straight away that something was wrong, and they’d push until he told them. Now the news was out, Danny wanted to tell everyone himself about the cancer and about the crime his wife had helped conceal, so Tommy continued to call dodge. It was going to be a rough day all round, and to make matters worse, I had to work.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call in sick?” I offered.
“Love, you’d feel guilty all day, like you were playing truant from school. I’ll drop you there and pick you up after, and I promise I’ll be fine when you’re gone.”
“I just hate the thought of you being here alone all day. You don’t have work and you can’t go to the gym. I should be here with you.” I bit my lip, mulling over my options. I really hated calling in sick. Never actually having done it before, I feared worrying all day about letting people down. Then again, if I did go, I’d end up fretting all day about how Tommy was doing.
“Actually, I was thinking of maybe taking Ma and Da out for some lunch,” he said. “I haven’t spent much time with them lately and they’ve always been good friends of Danny’s. If they find out from anyone, I think it should be from me.” My heart melted. That he was thinking about them and not himself just made me love him even more.
“Tell them first and take them out after. I know your mam and she’ll want a chance to fix her makeup after she has a good cry, and before she goes out in public. And text or call me if you need to. I’ll keep my phone on me all day. Library rules be damned,” I said, knowing it would make him smile.
I was filing returned books later that morning when I had an epiphany. The last few drama-filled weeks had put me through the emotional wringer, but thinking about Danny and his relationship with the boys reminded me that life was short and precious. Unpredictable and finite.
My entire life I had battled with my mother. Feeling con
stantly repressed and suffocated, but lacking the strength to do anything about it. It was easy to think that Tommy had given me the power to grow a backbone, and maybe that was true. But it was also the truth that I’d lacked the maturity when living at home to appreciate what I was capable of, and that the only person who really controlled my destiny, was me. It was easy to blame my parents for subjugating me. But distance from them had allowed me the luxury of perspective. If I’d wanted a different life, and if I’d acted responsibility, I could’ve had it.
Being with Tommy gave me a different lens through which I could see my life. I used it to look back on the choices I made, and how it affected my relationships and I realised I was at a turning point. Once I’d made that realisation, I called my mother.
We met in the same café where we’d had lunch before. Perhaps it was my imagination, but it didn’t seem as awkward or strained as it had before. This time I wasn’t reaching for conversation, or struggling for common ground. This time, I knew exactly what I wanted to say, and I should’ve said it a long time ago.
“I love you.” She looked at me as though I was an alien from another planet. When I started to squirm uncomfortably, I remembered it had probably been a long time since she’d heard those words. From anyone. I put my hand over hers on the table and continued.
“Everything good I have inside me, I have because of you. My love of reading came from our weekend trips to the library. No matter how much you moan now about how you had to carry home bags filled with heavy books, you still carried them for me. And I remember now that every Saturday before we’d get the bus home, you always took me for a bag of chips, and had them drown it in salt and vinegar for me. I don’t know when we stopped doing that, but we should do it again.
“My faith makes me who I am, but you’re the one who took me to church. Even when Dad wouldn’t get out of bed on a Sunday morning, you made Joe and I wash and dress for Sunday service. You took us to volunteer at soup kitchens and with the elderly. When I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I realised that all the things that give me joy, came from you.
The Fire (Hurricane Book 4) Page 25