by P. Dangelico
“Why not? I know I really messed things up today, but let me make it up to you. Please, Blue. Give me another chance?”
Crossing the wood floor, he takes my face in his hands before I can stop him and the tears I was holding back gush out.
“Why are you crying, shirina? Tell me and I’ll fix it.” He kisses me gently, reverently even, and I completely lose it.
“Because I love you, you complete idiot. I love you and I don’t want to love you. Because I don’t get to keep you. And for once in my life I want someone to pick me. I want someone to be in my corner. I want someone to think I’m the most important person to them. Why can’t I have that? What’s wrong with me?”
He’s listening and he’s not letting me go. There’s compassion on his face and understanding. I know he understands me. So why can’t he say it?
Pulling me closer, he wraps his arms around me and holds me so close we’re touching everywhere.
“I am in your corner. I do pick you.” Exhaling a deep steady breath, he continues, “And you are the most important person to me even if I didn’t prove it to you today. I don’t want to deal with her anymore and I chose my comfort over your feelings and I’m sorry. Give me another chance.”
He kisses me softly, closed lips brushing back and forth. “Morning, noon, and night. I choose you.”
Chapter 19
“Gosh, that is some terrible dancing.” It looks painful. “Ease up, Hughes. You’re gonna dislocate a shoulder if you continue like that. Then you won’t be able to do the new Scorsese flick.”
He turns up the music on his speakerphone. Levitating by Dua Lipa and Da Baby. Hazel brays and the mini horses start racing around the paddock. It’s pure mayhem and I love it. Shane is in L.A. meeting with his agent today and Aidan and I are fixing more of the fence before my free labor leaves for good.
“You think this is bad?” Aidan says, jerking around. He honestly has no idea how truly bad he is. Bless his heart.
He drops the hammer. Good thing, I was afraid he’d hit himself for a minute.
“I don’t think, I know it is. That is hands down the worst dancing I’ve ever witnessed, thank God.”
He stops moving, expression stumped. “Did you just thank God that I’m a bad dancer?”
“Yes, you do everything else perfectly. No man should ever do everything perfectly. That would be boring. And who would trust you?”
His expression changes to one of subtle satisfaction. “You think I do everything perfectly?”
“I’m not trying to compliment you. It’s empirically true.” He stalks towards me with a sly grin and I take a step back. “What are you doing?”
He pounces and I scream. Picking me up, he twirls me around and around. Then we start dancing. I scream and laugh. The ponies take another gallop around the paddock. It’s pure mayhem.
“Stop. You’re gonna break my arm.” Aidan kisses me on the cheek and blows a raspberry. I scream again and laugh. “Put me down you beast.”
He does as he’s told. Both of us grinning, we pause to catch our breath. “I’m gonna miss you, Tweetie,” he tells me, smile fading. The sentiment is real and heartfelt. I can see it on his face. “Will you come visit me in L.A.?”
He looks so hopeful, I don’t want to ruin the moment. But I won’t lie to spare his feelings. Too many people in his life already do that.
“You know I won’t, Aid. That’s your world, and I don’t want any part of it. But promise me that if you lose your way again, you’ll come back and see us… or even just to say hi and help me fix something.”
He takes me in for a moment, then exhales and runs both hands through his hair. “You’re in love with him?”
“You know?”
“That you two have been humpin’ for the last two weeks? Yeah, everyone knows.”
I’m sure Shane will be thrilled to hear we’ve been hiding it for no reason. I don’t think twice. What’s the point in denying it anyway? “I love him.”
“The real kind?”
“The kind I used to dream about.”
“Good…” He smiles sweetly. “Shane deserves someone like you.”
“Would ya look at that,” Mona drawls, wearing a sly smile. “Almost exactly the same, but better.”
A baby blue Chevy pickup truck is in the process of being lowered from the flatbed of the delivery truck. It’s completely restored. It looks so shiny and fancy I’m going to be scared to drive it.
“It’s too much.”
“Of course it is,” Mona chimes in. “Like all good things.”
Shane signs the packing slip and the delivery driver climbs back into the cab and drives away.
“Nice ride,” Aidan says, hands stuffed in the pockets of his track pants, smiling broadly.
“Did you know about this?” I ask him.
I’m so torn about this gift I don’t know what to do or say.
He tips up his sunglasses and squints. “Yep. Had fun looking for it, too. And it wasn’t easy.”
“Tell me how much?” Shane won’t tell me how much he spent. Which scares me even more.
Aidan makes a face. “Never.”
Shane walks over to us with a lazy smile. I’ve never seen him more at ease. Comfortable in his own skin. Content.
The fight over Kaya almost forgotten, we’re back to having fun and great sex. Everything is perfect. Except he hasn’t told me how he feels. I want to be mature about this. It’s not like I don’t feel his love. Because I do. It’s in every touch, every glance. It’s everywhere. Except out of his mouth. I don’t want to put any pressure on him, but if you have a hard time saying I love you then maybe you don’t feel it? Just a thought.
“What do you think? The same but better,” Shane says, echoing Mona’s thoughts. He looks pretty proud of himself. He’s so sweet. I’m dying a million tiny deaths. “Registered to Mother Goose Non-Profit. Paperwork is in the glove compartment.” He holds out the keys for me and I reluctantly take them.
“The engine’s a rebuilt V-8 with a turbo charger,” Aidan adds, excitedly.
“I can’t ever thank you guys enough… I can’t ever repay what you’ve done for us.” Here come the tears again. Brimming, falling, gushing. The barn’s rebuilt and painted. The new wash stall with all the gadgets. I never even got a bill for the materials. And now a fancy new pickup truck.
They’re leaving in a few days, going back to their lives, and me back to mine.
“Get in.” When I open the passenger side door he swallows a chuckle. “Behind the wheel. I want you to get used to the power of this engine.”
“You’re scaring me now.”
We drive into town and pass the bookstore and the cafe where I saw him having dinner with Kaya.
“Let’s grab a cup while we’re here,” he says. “Park at the end.”
“Yes, sir.”
We order our coffee and the girl behind the counter, barely sixteen, blushes and gives him a coy smile. He steps closer, our bodies brushing together, and whispers in my ear, “How come you don’t blush when I smile at you?”
I glance up at him and take a sip of my latte. “I blush, Colonel. I blush all the time. Just not on my face.” His lips twitch and cover mine. He kisses me right in front of the blushing girl.
On our way back to the new pickup truck, we pass a magazine stand at the open-air bookstore. Shane’s boots come to a sudden stop. I keep walking until I realize that I’ve lost him and turn around. The look on his face tells me everything I need to know. Turning, I see the headline and the pictures.
“What the actual fuck! What did I say about being careful not to give away your location?”
Jules is positively beside herself as she paces back and forth in her high-heeled Chanel moto boots. She holds up her cellphone as if any of us can see what’s on it.
“First, your ex-sister-in-law goes public with the affair, and now this!”
Shane has been quiet since we found out yesterday what Kaya had done: given an interview
to an entertainment show. After we got back to the ranch, he dragged me into the guesthouse, into bed, and we didn’t leave until it was time to feed the animals this morning. She knew how to hurt him, the value he places on his privacy, and she went after it deliberately. Foxes are destructive.
“It seems an enterprising journalist who will never work in this town again, if I can help it, put two and two together and recognized the ponies in the pictures with Aidan. She tracked him back here and somehow got plenty of footage of Aidan and you,” she points to me, “dancing in that dust pit.”
“It’s a paddock,” I say, for the record.
The Airstream is already tight without her treating it like a treadmill to burn off her misplaced anger. Meanwhile, Mona, Aidan, and I do our best to look remorseful sitting side by side on the banquette against the wall like a group of juvenile offenders. I’m not even sure what we have to be sorry for.
“She figured it out from the ponies. It’s hard to hide the ponies you wanted Aidan to pose with because it was a ‘cuteness factor of ten,’” I say, quoting her exact words.
The glare she shoots me should’ve killed me on the spot. I’m not sure why I’m still alive.
“We are where we are now,” she says, seething. “And so are they. A bunch of those vultures are camped out in town, clogging the roads and making a nuisance of themselves. Thankfully, the police department is being helpful and has stationed a black and white outside the property’s main entrance.”
“Is that really necessary?” Aidan finally jumps in, taking the words out of my mouth. He’s been really chill about the circus this has turned into. I’m sure he’s had plenty of practice. I guess that’s something to be happy about.
“If you would’ve kept your grabby hands to yourself,” Jess says, lurking behind Jules while staring at her fresh manicure. She looks up and skewers Aidan with a glare, “this wouldn’t be an issue now, would it?”
“Jessica?” Cruella says, and scoffs.
“Well… it’s true.”
I’m starting to think Jess is no longer intimidated by Jules. Something is definitely going on there.
I glance over at Aidan who’s now watching Jess. His brows are smashed together in deep concentration, but his mouth isn’t sure whether it wants to turn up or down. “Nothing happened. Tweetie and I are friends––”
“Oh, no, you didn’t,” Jess mumbles, biting her lips to stop from laughing.
“You did not just call her a pet name!” Jules hisses.
Aidan looks lost for a minute.
“He’s joking,” I say in his defense. “No, really, who’s going to take him seriously?”
Aidan side-eyes me. “Thanks?”
“I’m trying to save us,” I hiss.
“We need to come up with a plan.” Jules resumes her pacing. “Spin this is in a way that will turn it into a win for us.” She stops and stares at me. “We can make her your new girlfriend. She’s got that Plain Jane thing down pat. It’ll go perfectly with your new clean image as a laid back, salt of the earth type.”
Salt of the earth? The same man who refuses to drink any brand other than Fiji water?
Jess’ eyes get as big as saucers while my face turns beet red.
“No,” Mona finally says, possibly saving us all.
“Why not?” Jules queries.
I’m not worried. This is where Mona shines. She will concoct some diabolical reason that Jules will never see coming. This is where all those strange stories Mona told me over the years will finally come in handy.
“Because…” She squints, makes a pensive face. “Because he’s not her type.”
I stare and wait. She’s just getting warmed up. Just getting started. She’s going to pull one out of a hat now…
“Because he’s not her type?” Jules repeats. “Who gives a shit? He’s a famous movie star. She’s a nobody. I can make it work.” She eyeballs me. “Get her cleaned up.”
I turn to Mona and mutter, “That’s the best you can do?”
“She makes me nervous.”
We’re doomed.
“Aid,” I say, glancing at Aidan, “you know I love you, but I can’t do this.” I turn back to Jules. “This isn’t going to work. Tell them the truth or I will. Aidan and I are friends. I am sleeping with his brother.”
“I knew it!” Mona yelps.
“Goddammit!” Jules shouts. “Now I have to deal with a love triangle?”
“No, no love triangle. It’s a straight love line. From me to Shane.”
Jules looks around, her mouth pursing. “Where is Shane?”
“Hello?” I call out upon entering the guesthouse.
“In here,” Shane answers.
Something’s up; I can feel it. And it’s not a good thing. With my heart lodged in my throat, I walk to the bedroom and find him there. He’s in the middle of dumping drawers of clothing on to the bed. He’s moving so quickly that if I didn’t know better, I would think he’s on the run from the feds.
“I have to go,” he says in a low voice. He crosses the bedroom and grabs the unmentionables drawer. T-shirts, underwear, socks. It all gets dumped into a messy heap. Red flags everywhere. They are flying high right now. My pulse races and my stomach flip-flops.
Then he starts grabbing clothing out of the closet and stuffing it in his army green duffel bag. “The publisher wants me in London and Geneva, maybe Rome. London for an interview and the other two for signing.”
Nervously, I shift from foot to foot and cram my hands into the back pockets of my shorts to stop them from fidgeting.
Right. Of course. I knew this day was coming. It was only a matter of time before the bear was on the move again.
I nod over and over for lack of a better response. “Okay, yeah. About that nonsense with the press––you know nothing happened. That I didn’t have anything to do with it.”
He must hear it in my voice because he suddenly stops and glances up. His face softens. He reaches out for me, but I step back out of his grasp. I can’t have him touch me now. If I let him touch me, I will crumble and turn into the pathetic sniveling person that I refuse to be to him.
“I’m okay. Really.”
The stiff smile I give him doesn’t work, not even a little bit. If he had any manners, he would pretend to believe the grotesque lie I just told him, but no. His eyes remain fixed on me, filling up by the second with compassion.
It makes me want to scream. I don’t need his pity. I need him to love me the way I love him. Like he can’t exist without me because we share one heart that pumps blood and oxygen to both our bodies. He’s going to take our heart with him to London and kill me in the process.
“I have to go,” he repeats, his voice dripping in guilt.
“I know you do.”
“I’ll be back soon,” he says, attention trained on the bag he’s zipping up.
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
He grabs the bag, brushing past me without hesitation, without a kiss. He makes it to the door and stops. “Come with me.”
He doesn’t mean it and I wouldn’t even if he did. This place is me. This is where I belong.
“I’m needed here. The animals. Mona. I’m right where I want to be.” I manage to get every word out without crying, a calmness coming over me that I have desperately missed these last few years. I should thank him for helping me reclaim it. There’s the bright side.
His head drops. “I’ll call you,” he says. Not my name. Not how he feels. An impersonal, throwaway, nothing of a goodbye.
He walks out the door and doesn’t look back.
Chapter 20
“Hear anything?” Mona asks from across the kitchen table.
I take a slow sip of my coffee and reach across the table for the soft butter. “Nope,” I answer whilst slapping a thick layer on my english muffin.
“You’re gonna hear from him,” the silver mustachioed man sitting on Mona’s left says. Sigh. You know it’s bad when you’re getti
ng pep talks from Darby, the quietest man in the universe.
“Look, guys, I appreciate what you’re doing. But you can stop doing it now.”
Shane has been gone for two months and it’s been hard on everyone. Two months without a word. I can only assume we’re done and he doesn’t know how to tell me. The lovers can’t even be openly in love because they feel bad for me. It’s really not fair to them…. or to me.
Not gonna lie, I’m trying to push through, but my entire body aches for him. I think of him every day: morning, noon, and night. I miss him so much I can barely breath sometimes. It’s like all of a sudden living in high altitude without having had the chance to become acclimated.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days I dream about throwing my cowboy boots at his head. Or running him over with the tractor. Or making a wax doll of him and sticking pins in it. But despite him leaving me high and dry, the love I have for him hasn’t diminished at all. Not even a little. Love is a cruel master.
I will always be in Shane’s corner; that’s what you do for the ones you love. But I won’t pine and I won’t wait. I still want a big family. I’m not ready to give up on that dream. And Mona was right, Shane and Aidan pushed me out of my rut. If nothing else, I will always be grateful to both of them for that.
“You two do not have to live on eggshells for me. It’s totally fine. I am fine. I’ve been through worse. Celebrate your love. Smile, rejoice. Be merry. I will not take it as a personal insult if you’re openly overjoyed.”
I’m thrilled for Mona. I really am. I couldn’t be any happier for her. Nobody deserves it more. I really like Darby. I’m even happy to have his quiet company. It’s nice to have a man living on the ranch with us.
They share a look, the guilt splashed all over their faces. “We need to tell you something, sweetie,” Mona says, visibly uncomfortable at the prospect.
“What?” I ask, terrified it’s more bad news. I can’t handle any more.