by P. Dangelico
“We’re engaged.” Mona holds up her left hand, her purple polish catching the light, and spins a simple silver band around. The action exposes a small round diamond. I take one look at it and burst into tears.
You would think that with time things would get better. You would think that, wouldn’t you?
You’d be wrong.
I knew I was in trouble two weeks ago, but I was living in a state of denial, trying to reason it away as stress and a lack of appetite. I’ve lost six pounds already and it doesn’t look pretty on someone my size.
I look around the bathroom of the guesthouse I’m back to living in and sit on the edge of the tub. This place is haunted with so many happy memories it’s unbearable to live here. Jess was right. Damn her.
I close my eyes, give it a few seconds, and take a deep breath. I crack open one eye, then the other. A sinking feeling comes over me. And with it comes an awareness that I’m headed straight for a brick wall traveling a hundred miles per hour and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I look at the stick…
It’s a plus sign.
Grabbing my cellphone, I hit speed dial. “Twisted sisters.”
“Right now?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“I’ll pick up some Chinese takeout and be there in an hour.”
Less than an hour later, we’re seated on my couch, the very same one that I had sex on repeatedly with the father of my child.
“You need to make a plan,” my pillar of strength says whilst stuffing her face with honey sesame chicken. She glances up with a deliberately blank expression. “You know I have to ask…”
“Yes, I’m keeping this baby.” He bent me over that armrest Jess is leaning on right now. She wouldn’t appreciate the information so I keep it to myself.
“Keeping baby. Check. First problem solved. Are you telling Shane?”
Just the thought of having to tell Shane makes my stomach twist in knots. I’m not sure he’s against kids. But I’m also not sure he’s for them, either. He wasn’t exactly elated at the prospect that day we lost the condom.
“I have to, but maybe not right away. I could have a miscarriage. It happens.”
God, please, no…
“Telling Shane the puta. Check.”
I rode him on the pillow she’s sitting on right now.
“You’re making quick work of that list.” I knew I could count on her.
“I’m an efficiency expert. What about Mona?”
“I’m telling her tomorrow. I’ll wait to tell my dad and Athena. Just in case something happens. My dad will worry.”
Nobody will be happier to be a grandparent than Alan Baldwin. But I haven’t considered how much I want Athena involved. She didn’t have much value as a mother, which leads me to believe the same about her being a grandmother.
“What about Aidan?” Jessica says with a look of anticipation. This is a tricky decision. I know they’ve been speaking because Aidan has been dropping hints.
“I don’t know… I’m seeing him next weekend.”
“This is a stupid idea. And I’m not hanging all over you like a groupie…. I’ll be in the corner hiding.” I pull the fabric away from my butt and it snaps right back. This dress cost a fortune. As much as the Jetta my dad bought me when I graduated high school.
Aidan and Jules’ big idea is to have us photographed at this charity party at the Beverly Hilton. Because as Jules says, it’s good for Aidan to be seen with someone who’s a ‘salt of the earth.’ type. I think that’s her code word for unattractive. Aidan thinks that if Shane sees the press while he’s in Europe, he’s going to come running back. He doesn’t know his brother if he thinks Shane can be that easily manipulated.
I still don’t know whether to tell Aidan. Mostly because I know that when I do, Shane will know, too, and I won’t handle it well if he’s unhappy about it.
“So ungrateful,” Aidan says and yanks me closer to him on the leather back seat of the Mercedes. He’s like the little brother I never had that I want to constantly punch. “I dress you up and take you out to make my brother jealous and this is how you repay me. You’re my date. Act like my damn date.”
I pinch his side and he makes a face.
“He’s not coming. Your brother doesn’t play games. He’s honest and good and… he’s just hurt. Or mad at me… I’m not sure which.”
I think of my little secret baby and smile.
“Then do it for me,” Aidan says. “As my friend.”
Aidan looks so vulnerable I can’t say no.
“Fine.”
We step out of the back of the Mercedes and the lights go off. Thousands of them flashing in our faces. I don’t know how Aidan does it, or why. I will say that he seems pretty much at ease and in his element with all the attention. Why anyone would want to live under this level of scrutiny is beyond me, but he definitely has the temperament for it.
The party is long and boring and my face hurts from smiling so much. I’m making my way to the exit when Jules intercepts me. “Where are you going?” She’s wearing black again tonight, her red bob even more severe since it’s been flat-ironed straight.
“I’m leaving, Jules. Back to the sticks. We took a million pictures. He’s having a good time with his new costars. Cut him some slack. He’s a good man. Raise your standards for him and he’ll rise to the occasion.”
Jules makes a face. “That’s some hokey bullshit.” She checks me out. “How are you getting home?”
“I don’t know yet…” That’s a tricky one. Taxi? Uber? Walking? Los Angeles is impossible without a car.
“Take the Mercedes. I’ll text the driver to bring the car around.”
A huge grin breaks across my face and a weight is lifted off my chest. “Thanks, Jules. Thank you. Really.” I give her a big hug which she tries to squirm out of.
“That’s enough tacky displays of camaraderie.”
On my way out, I see her smile.
The Mercedes pulls down the Harris Ranch driveway at midnight. How fitting. All dressed up, and holding my high-heeled shoes in my hand because my feet hurt and I’m always fatigued now. A knocked-up Cinderella.
The headlights hit the porch of the guesthouse and shine a light on a man sitting in one of the Adirondack chairs. The thrill of seeing him is quickly replaced by pain. He’s wearing a closely-tailored suit with a white shirt underneath, so handsome my entire body hurts seeing him. It’s official––he’s here to dump me.
A quiet voice in the back of my head says… no. I will not let him bring me low. I’m a mother now. I have a child to protect. I won’t be pushed around, left high and dry, or lied to anymore. For the sake of this child, I will not put up with any of the nonsense that I was willing to accept from him before.
I will not accept crumbs.
The car stops. The driver gets out and opens the door for me. I put my shoes on and step out.
“Thank you so much for the ride, Charles,” I tell him, but my attention is entirely on the man standing on the porch with two suitcases at his feet. He’s headed somewhere else after he breaks-up with me. That must be it. I’ve never seen Shane dressed so elegantly before. I didn’t even know he owned clothes like these. I wonder what hearing about the baby will do to his plans. Then I push the thought aside because it doesn’t matter either way.
I step forward with my heart hammering inside my chest and my eyes watering. I really didn’t want to cry, but my hormones are throwing everything off my game.
“Hi,” he says, followed by a slight smile.
“Hi,” I echo, dispensing with the smile. I couldn’t muster one up if my life depended on it. Brushing past him, I step inside the guesthouse, and he follows without being asked.
“What are you doing here, Shane?”
When he doesn’t answer, I glance over my shoulder and find him watching me with an unblinking stare that could strip the bark off a tree. “You are so beautiful…”
The dress is stunning, a credit to Ju
les’ impeccable taste. An Armani pale lavender chiffon column with crystals on it and a split up the leg. Shane’s never seen me dressed up either.
“The dress was Jules’ idea.”
He shakes his head. “You… You get more beautiful every time I see you.”
Ironic, I said the same thing about him once.
“Why are you here, Shane?” I don’t want to fight with him. And I definitely don’t want to waste any more time.
Feet aching, I kick off my shoes and go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I’m bone tired and ready for sleep.
“I’m here to apologize…” He stuffs his hands in the front pockets of his slacks and hangs his head. “For leaving you the way I did.”
“Apology accepted. You can go.”
“Blue…”
“Tell me what you want to hear so we can cut to the chase and get it over with. You want absolution? You got it. You want to be on friendly terms? I may be able to manage it in small doses. You want sex on tap? Never happening again. I’m not the same girl you left behind.”
“I can see that,” he says quietly. We stare at each other, and as the seconds pass, the tension grows. I’m tired and pregnant and barely holding onto my composure.
“You have to go, Shane,” I manage to get out without my voice shaking.
“I thought of you every day. Morning, noon, and night. I wanted to call you but I trained myself not to––”
“I don’t care anymore,” I say, cutting him off before he makes me cry.
“You scared me.” He takes his jacket off and throws it on the couch. “I’ve never loved someone the way I love you. I didn’t even think I was capable. You read about this kind of love in books, but you think they’re exaggerating for the sake of a good read. You don’t think it exists and you definitely don’t think it can happen to you.” He looks up at me, his liquid eyes filled with some much pain I feel sorry for him. I’ve been there. It’s hell.
The tears are getting harder to hold back as the first crack in my resolve appears.
“It feels like someone cut my heart out, but I’m the one holding the knife… I did it to myself. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I love you sooner. And I do––I love you with every part of me. I should’ve put you on a fucking pedestal the minute I met you because you deserve to be there.”
My eyes slam shut, watering so much I can barely see. When they open, he’s closing the mile-wide gap between us. I put a hand out to stop him from touching me.
“Don’t… I can’t do this with you anymore. I can’t be jerked around.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“Like the last time you promised?”
His shoulders fall. “I knew it was wrong the minute I said it.” He rubs the back of his neck. When he looks up at me, he’s unguarded. Another first. “I figured something out when I was in Europe… ” He steps closer. “The restlessness––the feeling I’ve been running from my entire miserable life came back. That’s when I realized I haven’t been wandering, Blue… I was looking for you.”
My heart is crying out. But it’s not just me I’m protecting.
“I have to tell you something…” His brow wrinkles. He’s preparing himself for the worst. He thinks I’m going to tell him I’m seeing someone else when that couldn’t be any further from the truth.
“It’s no longer just me… I’m pregnant.”
He takes a few steps back, unsteady on his feet. “You’re having a baby?”
“Yes, I’m with child. That’s what pregnant means.” My quip shakes him out of the state of shock.
“We’re having a baby?”
“I’m having a baby. You contributed the sperm.”
That breaks the spell. The sharpness in his eyes returns, his natural confidence and assertiveness snapping back into place.
“I’m the father. I’m not a sperm donor.”
“You’re the man I haven’t seen or heard from in two months.”
“Blue, I am in love with you… I love you. And yes, I fucked up…” He exhales harshly. “We’re having a baby. You and I.” He suddenly smiles the sweetest smile and my resolve loses another brick. Then he frowns. “Wait, were you not going to tell me?”
“I would’ve told you eventually. Yes. When I was out of the risk period.”
“You’re the most maddening woman I have ever met. But you are hands down the best person I know. No one has ever come close. No one will ever come close. Baby, please give me another chance. I am begging you. Let me show you I can do a lot better.”
Tears pour down my face. I wipe them away with the heel of my hand. “You broke my heart.”
He takes me in his arms, holding me gently but firmly. And I melt into him. He smells the same. He sounds the same. He feels the same. Even in his fancy clothes.
“I don’t deserve you. I’m a terrible person,” he murmurs next to my ear. “But I’m going to do everything I can to make it up to you every day for the rest of my natural life.… I pick you. You are the most important person to me.”
It won’t be easy, but I’m going to let him. Because that’s what you do when you love someone.
My knees start to buckle.
“What’s wrong?” I’ve never once heard Shane sound anxious like he is now.
“I’m exhausted. I have to lie down.”
Tipping my chin up, he cradles my face in his capable hands. “Can I stay here tonight? I just want to hold you and watch over you.”
“I’m still mad at you,” I say, leaning in and letting his warmth seep into my skin.
“I know.”
In the bedroom, I strip. Dropping the dress on the floor, I step out of it and grab a wet wipe to clean the makeup off my face. Shane watches from the threshold of the room, leaning on the jamb with arms crossed, a look of wonder on his handsome face.
“I missed you every day,” he says to me. “Truth is…”
“Truth is what?”
“Truth is loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. As easy as breathing.”
Tears fill my eyes again.
“As necessary, too,” he adds and I can’t stop them from falling any more than I can stop myself from loving him back.
I get into bed and watch as Shane slowly gets undressed. Just like I did the first time, but with one major change. Crawling over me, he places a kiss on my belly. It’s almost surprising how natural and familiar it all feels. The only difference being the life growing inside of me.
Turning on his side, Shane places his hand on my flat belly. “Thank you for this,” he says in wonder. “How far along are you?”
“Ten weeks according to the doctor.”
“The feed room.” He grins broadly.
“Yep.”
His smile melts into reverence. “I’d be here on your doorstep like a stray animal every day even without the baby. Every time I hear your voice, when I see you smile, I think...” He stops and shakes his head.
“You think what?”
His cheeks flush. I’ve never once seen Shane look embarrassed. “Someone read my mind and made you for me.” He sighs. “What do you think, Blue? You think you can give me a few more chances to screw this up? Because I sure as hell need them.”
My heart is a ticking time bomb full of love for this man. I think about how we grew up and how different this child will have it. When has anyone ever put him first? When has anyone ever picked him?
“I pick you,” I whisper. “I’m in your corner. You’re the most important person to me.”
Our eyes connect. A million apologies in them. For the past and for the future.
“Come here,” he murmurs, the rasp extra raspy tonight. Then I let him wrap me in his arms and place sweet gentle kisses on my face.
Wild things can’t be domesticated. You have to love them for who they are.
Epilogue
“Are you ready?” I ask the bride who as usual is an hour late to her own wedding.
“Dios mios, y
ou would think it’s a royal freaking wedding. Tita always say––”
“No, not today,” I cut in, shaking my head vigorously at Jess. Shrugging, she drains the rest of her non-alcohol beer in one gulp.
“Wait! I forgot my Kippy’s belt.” Mona rushes into her walk-in closet clutching the train of her red wedding dress and comes out wearing her signature silver belt around her waist.
Time to get this party started.
Holding my lower back, I push myself up off the stuffed armchair in her bedroom one small increment at a time. “If this kid doesn’t come out soon, I’m going to start stabbing people, starting with the one who did this to me,” I grumble as I head for the door.
“A few more weeks. You’re almost at the finish line,” Mona kindly reminds me.
“Remember when you said you wanted like… ten of them?” Jess chuckles––at my expense.
“I can’t wait until this happens to you. Man, revenge is going to taste soooo sweet.”
Jess isn’t showing yet, but we both know what’s coming for her.
We head downstairs to face a house crowded with family and friends, Mona waving and smiling like she’s the crown winner in the Miss USA pageant. This is the fifth time that Mona and Darby will renew their vows with a big party and there are no less people here today than there were five years ago when they first tied the knot.
Mona said they’ll continue to do it every year because ‘you just can’t know when you’ll see your beloved waiting at the end of that aisle for you for the very last time.’
I make it downstairs one slow step at a time––with the girth of an elephant you don’t have much choice––and scan for a head of thick brown hair threaded with silver rising above the rest. When I can’t find him inside, I search the back patio and… bingo.
He’s seated in one of the many white chairs on the bride’s side playing with our son, our daughter sitting next to him reading a book. Looking over his shoulder at me, a broad smile stretches across his stunning face. Time has been good to him, honing all that natural symmetry and balance into something more refined.