Remember Hope

by Ginny Sterling

  “Daisy, is there something going on that you want to tell me?” His dark eyes were instantly wary and she noticed he was staring at her lips. Oh gosh! She had to get out of here! He was too close and they were too alone.

  “No,” she squeaked. “Um, you are blocking the door and I need to head back to group.”

  “Everyone is leaving. We were almost done anyhow.”

  “Oh. You should be going too.”

  “I could,” he hedged and still stood there.

  “Buuuut?” she drawled, feeling nervous that it was just the two of them.

  “But I’d like a towel to dry off Baxter, if you have one available,” he said softly, watching her.

  Daisy got the feeling that wasn’t what he wanted to say to her but he was backing down a bit. It wasn’t that he was coming on to her, but she couldn’t stop her raging imagination as she stared at him. She was infinitely jealous of the crutch handle and wanted to hold his hand instead. A dirty piece of rubbery foam. It made no sense but it was the little things, like that foam, she was noticing now that made him wreak havoc on her mental state.

  She smelled his cologne, noticed his hands, the scruff on his chin- it was everything about him that made her yearn for more. It was also the longing she imagined in his eyes that was the clincher. Was he interested in her too?

  Ethan left not long afterwards. There were no awkward exchanges or weirdness it seemed between them. It made her wonder if she’d imagined the tension between them. She could have sworn that he was coming onto her or wanted to kiss her. She also recognized that feeling in herself. It would have taken nothing for her to lean forward and simply initiate the kiss that would have caused a catastrophe in her world.

  Counselors just did not date clients.

  Clients didn’t date their counselors.

  Combining a damaged heart with a twisted relationship was a recipe for disaster. Maybe someday things would be different for them both or perhaps he would find something that made him happy. Until then, it could not be her. No, Ethan Minter would need to find a way to get past his frustration, depression, and realize that life could be had if he would only grasp at it.

  Two weeks later, Daisy knew she was right.

  She didn’t want to be nor did she expect the verbal attack that came during a group session one evening. They had all been talking about their experiences and if they’d reached their turning point in their lives. She’d just finished speaking when Ethan suddenly exploded from the back of the room.

  “How did you know it would be okay? For me, I knew that I had to pick myself up and that I deserved so much better. It was easier to lay there and cry- but every time I did, I found myself wondering what Slobbers was doing or who was going to feed him?”

  “You know, life is not all sunshine and rainbows.”

  Stunned, Daisy saw the angry look on Ethan’s face as he finally spoke up in group. He’d been sitting at the back each time, listening but never really participating. Tonight, was the first time he’d said anything and it was quite obvious it was directed at her.

  “No, you are right. It’s about perspective.”

  “So, what you are saying is that the world is okay around me but I’m messed up? That is all a bunch of stupid ideas thought up by people that don’t understand how people like me really feel.”

  “Not at all. I’m saying that you should…”

  “That’s right. Tell me what I should do since you’ve dealt with similar issues.”

  “I have.”

  “No, you haven’t. You think that… but it’s not true.”

  “How?”

  “You haven’t had everything ripped from you. You haven’t lost your entire world and had to find yourself again.”

  “I went through a very similar thin-“

  “Don’t!” he bit out angrily, causing Baxter to growl protectively under Ethan’s chair. The pup had taken to spending time with him, hovering around him as much as possible when Ethan came by the building. “Acting all upbeat and chipper doesn’t make the past go away nor does it change how people look at you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Of course, you wouldn’t know,” he lashed out, his eyes pained. “There is no way you’d understand it. I hate the pitying looks and…” Ethan grabbed his crutches and left the room. Part of her wanted to run after him but another part of her knew he was a very proud man battling some demons.

  “Everyone- I think we’ll cut it a bit short tonight. I don’t know about you but I think maybe we all need to think about our moments that are triggers for us and how we get past them. Let’s share a few ideas together next week.”

  Filing out of the small room, Daisy walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on. She wanted something warm and calming to soothe her nerves. She hated that Ethan stormed out tonight. Sometimes when you finally broke through the shell, it was painful and this wasn’t unexpected. Counseling dredged up feelings and emotions that were tough to deal with but it was learning how to cope with them that got you through the day. She would call him later and see how he was doing, she thought as the kettle began to whistle. Daisy poured a cup and as she stirred it, she heard Baxter whining nearby. She had thought he’d finally taken the little puppy with him but obviously not and he missed Ethan.

  Walking into the front living room/office area, she was surprised to see Ethan sitting there on the small couch in the corner. He was sitting in the dim room that was barely lit by a lamp. It was casting a warm inviting tone on the room in the stillness. He was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, his fingers in his hair. He was staring down at the floor and Baxter was on the couch nearby, licking his arm and whining softly.

  “I thought you’d left,” she whispered softly, handing him the cup of tea she’d just made for herself. “Baxter, let’s get you something to snack on while your friend and I talk for a bit.” Daisy set the cup down on a coaster near Ethan and silently put a box of tissues near the cup, just in case.

  Stepping in the kitchen, she poured herself another cup and reentered the room silently. Sitting on the opposite end of the couch, she silently watched him. He was breathing heavy and looked like he was in the process of a mental fight with himself. Whatever memories he had, they were raw and brutal. Her heart broke remembering her own bouts of crying and hopelessness she’d gone through.

  “You aren’t alone, you know. Sometimes it’s not the talking but simply knowing that someone is here for you and that you’ve got a friend. If you want to talk, we can talk – but if you don’t feel like it yet, lets just take your mind off whatever you are dealing with and watch a little television. No pressure, just companionship for a bit,” she offered, wondering if he could even hear her right now or if he was so far gone that she couldn’t reach him. After a few silent moments, she spoke again.

  “It’s like Baxter- you need something to make you feel normal and I get it,” Ethan glanced up at her words. His brown eyes were shiny with unshed tears and he had a tortured expression on his face. He didn’t speak, he just stared at her… waiting. Daisy took a deep breath and continued talking to him.

  “I used to watch The Weather Channel over and over again on the television. It’s not like I cared whether it rained, snowed, or hailed at the time but I knew that every eight minutes that report would come on the screen. It was ritualistic and became something I could expect that made me feel like I could make it another eight minutes. Then that became sixteen minutes… which turned into a few hours. Grab normalcy where you can find it- the peace and acceptance come later when you are ready.”

  Instead of waiting for him to speak, she picked up the television remote and turned on the TV. Flipping through channels, she settled on a game show. They’d been around for decades and it was something that people knew and recognized. She remembered being home from school during break and watching the TV- bored to tears. There had been nothing but cooking shows, painting, or game shows. Patting the couch beside her, Baxter jumped up
and immediately settled down to gnaw on the small snack she’d given him. Staring at the TV, Daisy pretended not to hear Ethan trying to calm down his attack as he took several deep breaths. Baxter was between them, making sweet little grunting noises as he chewed.

  “I think Adam will make it to the end and win the money. Even if he bets it all at the end he is so far ahead that he’ll still be in the lead. What do you think?” Daisy asked quietly, trying to distract Ethan as he began to relax.

  “I should go,” he said thickly.

  “You haven’t finished your tea and the show isn’t over.”

  “No, but group is.”

  “Are you in a hurry?”

  Ethan didn’t say a word and Daisy could feel his eyes on her at times. She concentrated on watching the TV and sipping slowly on her chamomile tea. Eventually, she slid a sideways glance at the man opposite of her and saw him sipping on the cup she’d given him. She had to fight a smile of satisfaction knowing he was doing better. Whatever he was thinking about earlier might be something they needed to talk about outside of group where he could vent freely away from others.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Embarrassed,” he admitted quietly. “I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve got nothing to apologize for and I should be apologizing for hitting a nerve. I didn’t intend to but glad I did. It gives us something to talk about when you are ready- but not tonight.”

  “I don’t know that I will ever be ready.”

  “Sure, you will,” she said confidently.

  “Sunshine and rainbows?” he repeated, shaking his head.

  “Hey, enough of that,” she chided. “There is enough anger, hatred, and disappointment in the world. I kinda like sunshine and rainbows. I could lie to you and tell you that you’ll be all hunky-dory in a week but I think you’ve had enough dumped on you. How about some honesty, some understanding, and some freakin’ sunshine?”

  “Don’t forget the rainbows.”

  “Those are the best part and usually the most beautiful rainbows follow the mightiest storms.”

  “Thank you for all of this,” he uttered quietly, understanding the meaning behind her words.

  “That’s what I’m here for,” she encouraged softly, reaching out to pat Baxter. “Me and this little guy.”

  “He’s pretty great and… you… ah,” Ethan whispered and then hesitated, surprising Daisy. He grabbed his crutches and got up. He closed his mouth quickly and started to make his way towards the door. Confused, Daisy stared at him, trying to analyze his stance and the confused look on his face. He looked like he was warring with something all over again, but this time it wasn’t something unpleasant. He looked like he wanted to blurt out something, like a kid with a secret he couldn’t stand to keep any longer.

  “I… ah… I’ll see you next time.”

  “Certainly.”

  Puzzled, Daisy sat there for a moment before getting up to peek out the blinds. She watched him walk slowly through the parking lot towards his truck. As he got inside, the dim light on the overhead console barely illuminated the man before the door shut and she was completely alone again. As if the puppy understood, he barked from across the room once as if to say, ‘remember me?’

  Surprising herself, she missed having Ethan in the room. His presence left a void now that she was alone. She hadn’t realized that she wanted company, something so simple as watching TV together once was all it took to make Daisy no longer enjoy the solitude. She was lonely and hadn’t realized how much until just now.

  Chapter 8

  Ethan thought back to that evening two weeks ago repeatedly. He’d been in such a bad place and had lashed out after having a bad day at work. On his way home, all he could think about was how relieved he was to have group that evening. He didn’t want to analyze why- only that he wanted to go. He’d been sitting there at the back of the room when everything hit him at once.

  He was crippled and no woman would want him- least of all Daisy. All of the ‘I can’t do this’ ideas were whirling through his mind and he felt like the meeting that night was a joke. He wanted to go out with the guys or pick up girls just like he and Wilkes used to do. There was no more jogging or driving a stick-shift car. Suddenly, all the negativity was overwhelming and he lost his cool. But instead of rejection or shame when he’d stormed out of the room- he’d had understanding.

  Daisy had the kindest heart of anyone that he’d ever met- even if it was because she was paid to care. She seemed genuinely nice. No one else had ever made him something to comfort him or simply waited with him while he had a meltdown. No, people always backed away- sometimes muttering at the ‘weirdo’ or ‘headcase’ when they thought they were out of range of him hearing them.

  He heard them all though- and their voices, the tones of their words echoed in his mind… but not Daisy. She shared with him and he found himself calming down. The scent of her perfume and soothing taste of the tea had him relaxing in no time. She’d turned on the television, but he’d barely paid attention. Instead he had sat there tense, expecting a snide comment or a trigger that simply never happened. He’d felt at peace for the first time in a long while by the time the TV show was over, realizing that it wasn’t the talking, the tea, or the puppy.

  It was her.

  Ethan wasn’t a bright guy but he knew in his heart it was a supremely dumb idea to become enamored of his counselor. He needed the help and knew it. He wasn’t exactly a chick-magnet anymore and felt like the loss of his leg would turn away most women. He’d asked out women in the past only to have them let him down gently, or so they thought. No was still a rejection no matter how much someone smiled or asked you ‘is everything okay?’… or better yet… his favorite line- ‘we can be friends, right?’. If he screwed things up here, then he would have to find someone else for his therapy… and the idea of that having to happen, bothered him tremendously.

  People were filing in the room for group tonight and he was starting to recognize a lot of the faces. Smiling faces. He was always surprised by how content people seemed to be coming here to share their most painful experiences. One of the men was speaking tonight, and while it shouldn’t surprise him any longer, his words chilled him.

  “I’d been taking my car in to the service place for weeks and I’m embarrassed now when I look back. I remember yelling at that guy repeatedly. I would come in; they would check my car for an oil leak and find nothing. I’d go home, park in my spot and suddenly there was oil leaking again. This went on for weeks. Finally, I got sick at work and found out that it wasn’t my truck leaking oil,” the older man took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “My wife had someone that was parking in my spot in the garage and taking my place.”

  “I’m so sorry, Murphy,” Daisy told the older man and Ethan felt his eyes immediately turn to her. She was beautiful and so genuine. He could feel her sorrow. He felt bad for the guy and it was terrible, but he couldn’t help being drawn to Daisy.

  “You know, looking back now, I realize that while it was horrible – it was the best thing that happened to me. I would have never known if I hadn’t had that lobster roll that day- bad shellfish,” he explained.

  “But then I saw her face and knew that she didn’t regret her actions- only being caught. As I look back, I realize now that she was glad that I finally knew. I wish I had known that then. At the time I was so mad I hit the man that had been sleeping with my wife. Unfortunately, it resulted in assault charges which led to my needing counseling but I don’t regret it. I feel like I can finally handle the terrible things because there’s a reason that things happen.”

  “Not everything happens for a reason,” Daisy hedged, glancing at Ethan. He felt his face flush and body tense immediately feeling defensive. Was she thinking of him losing his leg? That he was another victim of fate? Just as he felt himself begin to simmer with rage; she spoke again.

  “I believe that sometimes we are just dealt a bad hand. I didn’t ask to lose my legs and yo
u didn’t want to find your wife like that.”

  “No. I know that but maybe you lost your legs for a reason and you just don’t know it yet?”

  “Do you truly believe that?”

  Ethan felt himself getting angry on Daisy’s behalf. Her calm features looked so smooth and he realized it was a mask she wore to protect herself. He wasn’t sure how he knew that, but it hit him all of a sudden like a ton of bricks when it occurred to him.

  “Crime victims are hurt because there’s a bigger reason behind it?” Ethan blurted out angrily. “Is that what you are implying? That babies are born hooked on drugs because there is a purpose to it? What about amputees? Did they deserve that?”

  “Everyone is entitled to their opinion or beliefs. This is a free zone where we can share our thoughts without fear of reprisal or ridicule,” Daisy said gently, her green eyes locking with his. She was obviously trying to keep him from getting upset again and he felt like a fool for speaking out.

  “Does anyone else want to share something?”

  A timid woman raised her hand slightly. She was fairly new to the group and Ethan had only seen her once before. Daisy smiled at her openly, and Ethan found himself wishing that Daisy would smile at him like that.

  “Ava, you have the floor.”

  “Thank you,” she said quietly. “I don’t get to come to these meetings very often because I have to find a sitter. You see, I am dealing with something that hurts on the inside and trying to figure it out. My daughter is a product of that injury and I am trying to get past the paralyzing rage that I feel.”

  Ethan was shocked and a bit taken aback by the hostility in the softly spoken voice. The woman looked like she was maybe twenty and reminded him of a porcelain doll. Pale hair, pale skin – her eyes blazed with a ferocity that resembled the footage of Mt. St. Helens exploding.