“Well, when we arrived, he was sitting with another man. An older man. Not that much older, but older than Declan. He got to his feet when I came close. He pulled out my chair and asked me what I wanted to order. He even held the breadbasket near me so I could grab first pick. Oh, Bella. He was so handsome. Big blue eyes and black hair with just a touch of gray and such a deep commanding voice. I thought I’d swoon every time he spoke. I think he’s the reason I’m here. As soon as our eyes met, I knew instantly I could follow him anywhere.” She wipes a tear with the edge of my sheet and touches her cheeks.
“Emeline Elizabeth Hamilton, you dirty tramp.” I hit her with a pillow and suddenly forget all about stupid Jude’s panic attack.
“Bella! I’m serious. I think I’m in love. He walked me home and kissed my hand when he we said goodnight. He was so sweet and kind. His name’s Killian. He’s Declan’s uncle.” She gushes.
“Killian? The priest?” My mouth falls open. What are the chances an almost nun falls for a former priest?
“Priest?!” She clutches imaginary pearls. She’s not used to being without them.
Oh, shit. He left that part out.
Eleven
Jude
I don’t know what I was thinking. It felt right. Nothing ever feels right, but she did. Every minute we spent together blew my mind and breathed life into my dead heart. She fell asleep in my arms and I didn’t panic. For one night we were alone in the world and nothing felt as good as imagining she was mine. And I was hers. Last week that thought would have made me laugh. But not now, and never again.
How can I let that go?
Until morning, leaving never entered my mind. Last night, nothing could have separated me from that bed, her arms and those lips that destroyed all my bullshit theories on love with one kiss. I needed to be with her. I wanted to stay and spend the morning making breakfast, playing hooky and talking about nonsense only she and I give a damn about. I love talking to her. I love listening to the sound of her voice. The scent of her hair. The look in her eyes when I know she wants to say something filthy but points instead. That girl was giving me directions all night and I didn’t mind. I’ll bring out her nascent naughty girl if it’s the last thing I do.
But nothing compares to the way she comes. She’s got some set of pipes. I was certain the neighbors would knock on the door, bang on the wall or send the cops to investigate the murder taking place in apartment 3C. She drove me nuts and triggered the caveman lurking deep inside. Abstaining from sex almost killed me. Bella’s mine and she needs to know she’s mine. Everyone in this whole fucking city needs to know Bella Hamilton belongs to Jude McCormick. I swear to God, if anyone comes sniffing around my woman, I’ll send them to an early grave.
What’s the matter with me? What am I saying?
I can’t help it. I never thought I’d want to be someone’s first. Women never forget their firsts, and I’ve always wanted to fade into the background when things are over. And they’re always over. But this is different. I never want this to be over. I couldn’t bear it. I can’t go back to feeling nothing after I’ve felt this much. Holding Bella changed everything. For good. Forever. If I don’t step up and be the man she needs then some other guy will.
Oh my God, I’ll fucking kill her. No, not her. Not my baby. Him. I’ll kill him. If she tries to marry someone else, I will bust into that church, drag her groom down the aisle by the roots of his greasy hair and no one will ever fucking see him again.
Jesus Christ. Get a grip, dickhead.
No, this is serious. Her untouched body belongs to me. I’m the only one who gets to pillage it. I’m the only one who gets to make her come. Every time I think of that virgin pussy in my hand, in my mouth, swallowing my dick for the first time, I abandon all reason and consider throwing her over my shoulder and marching us both to City Hall.
But what if I’ve ruined things?
I’m a pathetic man. I’ve been here thirty minutes and I’m too chicken to face her. I can’t believe I left her in bed and bolted with little explanation. I just fear I’ll let her down. I don’t think I can handle the moment she looks me in the eye, having lost all her faith in me. Maybe she’s wised up already. I could tell her mind was churning when I walked out of her bedroom. Maybe I’ve proven her right and deep down she considers herself lucky to be rid of someone so unreliable and damaged.
But it would have been nice. No, it would have been better than nice. Being with Bella could have been the greatest thing I never did.
Fuck, that hurts my heart.
“Jude, do you know who hired Isabella Hamilton?” Seth pops his head in my office but refrains from entering.
I stare at him in confusion. “What do you mean? Isn’t she here?” Where is she? Where’s my Bella?
He shakes his head and taps the door frame. “No, I received a message on my voicemail. She resigned her internship. She thanks us for the opportunity but said she got a better offer somewhere else.” Before I can ask for more information, he disappears.
Without thinking, I jump out of my chair and rush after him. He’s not at his desk. He’s not in the lounge. Little shit drops a bomb on me and vanishes. I still don’t understand. Bella’s gone? She quit? She got a better offer? What the shit does that mean?
Did she just dump me?
“Jude! I’m glad you’re here. May we speak?” Uncle Killian surprises me with a pat on the back as he casually surveys the surrounding area. “In private.”
“Uncle Kil, what’s up? You look anxious.” His hair is messy, his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and his tie has been pulled loose. This is unusual for anyone at 10:00am but especially Killian. I assumed he stayed fully dressed until he changed into flannel pajamas at night.
“I need some advice. Let’s go to your office.” He leads the way.
Confused that he would come to me, I ask the obvious question. “Is Declan here?”
He nods, runs his hand through his hair and closes the door behind me. “Of course, he is.”
“And you want to talk to me?” I’m shocked.
His brow creases and a scowl appears. “Why do you do that? You’ve done this since you were a little boy. You always sell yourself short. I came to you because this deals with matters of the heart and you have the biggest heart of anyone I know.”
I fall into my chair. “Me?”
“Yes, you. You shouldn’t deny who you are and who you were always meant to be. When you were little, you wanted to love everyone. You got so little affection from your parents, you would rush up to strangers and wrap your tiny arms around their legs. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He stops and reconsiders his words.
“Sorry, I broke you out of that particular habit for safety reasons, but there’s nothing wrong with love. You know how to love, you’ve just convinced yourself you’re unworthy. That’s on your parents. That’s not on you. Jude McCormick is worthy of the best kind of love and don’t you dare stop fighting until you get it.” He releases a heavy sigh and walks to my window.
His words sink into my soul and frame after frame, image after pitiful image of my empty life flashes before my eyes. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. And I don’t need to push people away. I don’t want to push her away. I love her.
Ah, fuck. I really love her.
I’m in love with her and in less than twenty-four hours, I’ve pissed her off with my flaky bullshit. I’ve gotta go. I have to make things right.
I jump out of my chair and reach for my jacket. “Thanks, Kil. You always know…”
He cuts me off. “Enough about you. I think I’m in love. No, that’s not true. I know I’m in love.”
Stunned, my knees give out and I slide back into my chair. “With whom?”
“We just met last night, but a man knows. When the perfect girl walks into your life, I promise you’ll know. Her name is Emi. She’s adorable. Clever. Kind. And such a lady. We both arrived in town on Monday. This is fate, Jude. This girl… she’s th
e one. This is why I turned in my collar. I knew something more was waiting for me. I knew I had a chance to serve God in a different way and this is it. He placed me on this earth to love that beautiful girl and I will. I won’t let this opportunity slip through my fingers.”
I’m confused. “You seem to know what you want. Why do you need advice?”
He turns away from the window, tugs his tie off and stuffs it into his pocket. “She’s young. Too young. She’s half my age. Do you think I’m a lecherous fiend?”
I chuckle. “If she’s half your age, she’s in her twenties. She’s not a kid. I suspect she knows her own heart and mind.”
Lost in thought, he casts his eyes to the floor and smiles. “I want you to meet her. She’ll be at Declan’s tonight. This could be your aunt.” He laughs to himself.
“Declan’s? She knows Declan?” My mind spins.
He nods. “I met her through Ava. She took over her apartment uptown.”
“Oh my God, is her name Emeline?” I want to laugh at the coincidence.
He nods. “Yes, Emeline Hamilton. Why? Do you know her?”
I stand and walk him out. I need to find Bella. I need to make things better before she writes me off. No way is the priest beating me to the altar. “Not her. But I know her sister. And I’ve heard wonderful things about her. You may be right about fate, Uncle Killian. In a city this big, you found the one girl who almost became a nun.”
He stops in his tracks. “Nun?”
Twelve
Bella
“Run this by me again.” Ava lounges on a chaise outside the dressing room while she waits for Emi and me to change into our last outfit. We’ve tried on dresses in six boutiques for the last two hours and I’ve had my fill. That man is not worth this much trouble.
Pissed and fussy, I peel off the black dress Emi insisted looked refined and throw it over the door. Stomping, I hop into my leggings, pull on my sweater and carry my boots in my hand. “Scoot over.” I push Ava’s legs and tug on my boots.
“He left. Okay, I got that part. He went downtown. You used him to give you multiple orgasms, your firsts ever and you did not reciprocate. You simply enjoyed the ride. Okay, check. Come morning, he gives you a chaste kiss and heads off to work. What part am I missing?” She twirls her finger in her hair while she mocks me.
“Are you going to belittle my feelings? I’m heartbroken. I think I love him, and he abandoned me. He left so fast he might as well have left a few hundred dollars on my nightstand.” I recline into the chaise and cross my arms at my chest. She wouldn’t understand. Declan never leaves her side for more than a few hours. I’m surprised he’s not lurking behind a dress rack waiting to steal a kiss.
She chuckles and elbows my rib. “You really think you’re worth a few hundred? You did nothing but what... lie on your back? Sit on his face? Spread eagle on the kitchen counter, reclining into the cabinets? These are not the acts of a woman who earns three to four hundred dollars. You should pay him.”
I push into her side and try to knock her off the lounger. “Cut that out. You said you’d kill him. Why are you here instead of plotting his murder? Aren’t you going to avenge me?”
“Look, if I’m going to kill my brother-in-law, I need better grievances than you’re peddling. Have you checked your phone since you turned it off this morning? Maybe he’s text. Why does your mind go from zero to one hundred without idling by the twenty or forty marks? It’s not all or nothing.” She hands me a flute of champagne.
“Where did you get this?” I sniff the contents.
“The ladies pass them out to skew our judgement. They don’t know how old I am. They see that black Amex and drool.” She holds her glass but never drinks it.
I grab my phone and power it on. I’ve been avoiding this. There’s no way he’s text. There’s no way he’s called. Jude was a bit of fun on a Thursday night and.... wait a minute. I mentally retrace my steps. I cleaned the kitchen. Showered. Gathered yesterday’s clothes off the floor... and a sudden wave of panic rushes through me.
My panties! That rat took my panties!
“Bella!” Ava jostles me out of my daze. “You have six missed calls and nineteen texts! Look!” She lifts the phone to my face. “They’re from Jude.”
“How do I look?” Emi sashays out of the dressing room in a red wrap-around dress that hugs every curve. I can hardly believe it’s her.
“You look gorgeous! A vision! It’s the best one by far.” Ava jumps to her feet and clinks her giant engagement ring on her glass.
“Emeline Hamilton, you nasty girl!” I whistle and make her blush.
“Do you think it’s too showy? Too revealing? It feels right, but I don’t want my unladylike attire to shock Father McCormick. She smooths her hands down the front of her dress and twirls in front of the mirror.
Ava rushes over to yank the tag off the collar. She insists on treating us, and it’s her way of making sure Emi doesn’t change her mind. “You look elegant but sexy. It’s perfect. And stop saying Father. He’s not a priest anymore!”
“She’s doing it on purpose. I think it gets her hot.” I catch my sister’s gaze through the mirror and see her stifle a wicked smile.
What lowdown nasty-ass nun.
Thirteen
Jude
Just after 7:00, I arrive on the front steps of Declan and Ava’s brownstone. It belonged to our grandparents. He’s owned it since he was in college, but he never used it until he became engaged. Suddenly, his penthouse on Fifth Avenue was tiny and he needed room for his family. I guess he’s getting a head start.
He’s always been a planner. No detail escapes him.
I hear he’s paid a ridiculous amount to have it ready and decorated before the wedding but kept the price tag a secret. Declan typically gets what he wants and makes no excuses. But in this case, he’s hidden all his receipts from his future wife. He fears no one’s opinion but dreads one look of disapproval from Ava.
Despite my initial apathy, I’m happy he’s found someone to love. He wasn’t always a shitty brother. He tried his best to look out for me after Uncle Killian left for the church. I feel no real rivalry. Not anymore. We want different things and I want to be free from a legacy that means nothing to me. As soon as he returns from his honeymoon, I want to move forward with my plans. I’m ready. No more loafing around and making excuses. With Bella at my side, I know I can rise to the occasion.
I reach for my phone and check my messages again. Nothing. Goddamn, that girl’s trouble. Huge trouble. Thirty fucking texts. Eighteen damn calls. I stopped leaving voice messages when I ran out of ways to say I’m sorry.
And I’m not even sure what she thinks I did. This is more than just a premature departure. I’ll bet that girl has had countless arguments with me in her mind and blown it way out of proportion. Just before I sound the doorbell, I take the panties out of my pocket and bring them to my face. This is what I’ve become. A panty-sniffing pervert. I’m not even sure I care how it looks if I get caught. They’ve become my fix. If I didn’t have them handy, I would have gone ape-shit hours ago.
“Mr. McCormick, please come in.” The housekeeper lets me in and directs me to the living room. I’m never early and I generally avoid these gatherings if I can, but my girl’s frozen me out and I need to see her. She needs to listen. I’m not sure how, but I’m not leaving this place without her.
“You’re early! Oh, wow! Declan said you wouldn’t arrive until the very end.” Ava swoops in for a hug in the hallway.
“You know Declan. Always the optimist.” I wink and she covers her smile with her hand.
“I’m glad you’re here before the others.” She links her arm through mine and leads me in. “Bella’s on her way.”
My heart skips a beat. She’s talked about me with her best friend. That’s significant. Needing a surge of confidence, I pat the underwear in my pocket. “Do you know why she quit? Why is she so angry? She’s ignored all my messages.”
Her eyes fla
re with surprise. “She never got back to you? Oh, dear. She’s always been a stubborn bird.”
I shake my head and spot Declan heading our way.
“Bella’s a clever girl. Sometimes too clever for her own good. She thinks she can control the way she feels. It’s silly. But she’s been that way since we were kids.” She pats my bicep and leans in as we walk. “Have you ever read romance novels?”
What an odd question. “A few when I was younger. I’m not sure I remember much.”
She giggles to herself. “Channel your inner bad boy and take charge the moment she gets here. Sexy, not overbearing. Like an alpha claiming his woman. Oh my God, she’ll be putty in your hands.” Before she can elaborate, Declan hands me a drink and whisks his woman away.
With no time to spare, I rush to the bathroom, open the e-reader app on my phone and search through the top-selling romance novels. I’ve always been good at research and the stakes were never this high.
I’m not leaving anything to chance.
Fourteen
Bella
“Oh, my goodness. Bella, my heart’s beating too fast. He’s in there. My future husband might be in that house and look at the way I’m dressed.” Emi holds me back and covers cleavage that isn’t showing.
“You look stunning. Gorgeous. I don’t care if that man used to be a priest. If he’s attracted to women, he’ll love this dress. He gave you the first pick from the breadbasket. That’s a man in love.” I squeeze her hand and lead her up the steps. I should be a nervous wreck. Ava sent word that Jude arrived twenty minutes ago. But calming Emeline has left me little time to worry about myself.
Now, I’m here and he’s just a few feet away. Tall, roguish, ripped, with heavenly blue eyes that gaze into my soul. That beautiful man will bring me to my knees, and I’m terrified of giving anyone so much power over my heart.
Filthy Love Page 5